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    pab's Avatar
    pab Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 11, 2006, 09:47 AM
    Weighing staying
    I know my husband is abusive. I have four daughters, 2-11-15-17. He is 70% good and when he is bad, I hate him. But I weigh the stay or go. It would create more of a problem and upset the whole applecart to leave then to let the problem subside. I have spoken with my girls about situation at every episode, and they understand. I don't have family in our town and do not want to pull the kids out of their sports, schools, freindships... as this would be devastating to them. So we just talk till were blue in the face about everything... I tell them that their Dad is "sick" at times and they understand. I have strong kids... everyone that knows them tells me how great they are (teachers, friends, family, coaches). It has always been important to me to stay home with my kids until school age. I have only worked around their school schedule. Now that I have a 27 month old, I have been home for that long, and my kids reap the benefits of that. But when there is an incident in my home, I then avoid my husband, can't wait for him to leave for work, then I have a non-productive day weighing my options. His power is MONEY. He threatens we that he'll make my life hell if I left him, and that he would tie up all our money and assetts in lawyer fee's and I'll be left with nothing. So I stay, pray, and know that one day I will be prepared, and the time will be right. I don't get punched, nor do my kids. He acts like he could sometimes, and will clench his teeth, invade my space, finger poke me. Last night he had me in a corner in the kitchen and wrung the kitchen wash cloth onto my head. This morning we didn't talk but I noticed he pulled all the bedding off two beds. I think his point is since you are a stay-at-home mom, make the beds. I won't make his bed today. WOw, I KNOW this sounds so childish but this is what I deal with. There may be months in between, but I know another episode will come. He has episodes with the older kids, lately he'll take away kids TV, cell-phone, ground, over the littlest thing. A mountain from a molehill...
    Believe me I am strong and so are my kids. I just know my husband has problems, and he does not have the tools to change. If I or my daughters challenge him though, watch out. I have trained my kids not to put gasoline on the fire. They understand but its hard with strong females. I will leave when the time is right, and if my kids get hurt------They won't... Believe me!! I know what I'm doing... It's just hard at times!! I wish there was someone out there that can understand my situation, and tell me that I REALLY DO KNOW WHAT I AM DOING!!
    pab's Avatar
    pab Posts: 14, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Apr 11, 2006, 10:37 AM
    :o You know what you are doing. You know when you need to leave. You will not put your kids in danger. You are wise. You are dealing with a child.
    bizygurl's Avatar
    bizygurl Posts: 522, Reputation: 110
    Senior Member
     
    #3

    Apr 11, 2006, 11:49 AM
    You need to get out of this situation, honey. For you and your children. You all deserve to be happy. Even if you don't have immediate family I'm sure there are organiations in your community that can help you find away to get out. Anyway that you can think of will be the best way and the right way.
    aqua@home's Avatar
    [email protected] Posts: 565, Reputation: 107
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    #4

    Apr 11, 2006, 08:59 PM
    Hi Pab,

    Hooray for you! At least you know what you are facing. A few months ago I put a post up in Relationships called Abused?? I think this is the link to it if you want to read it or some of the responses. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=23164

    I totally understand and I don't think you're crazy for doing what you are doing. It's hard to be going through though. One of the biggest problems is your kids seeing this. They need to know that this not normal and not what they should have in a relationship. I know if you decide to leave they WILL understand. They want you to be happy. Kids adjust. I also understand the fear about the money. You are a very strong woman. After the first two responses I got, I just about threw up. You are doing great! I hope you figure things out. I just got the impression all you wanted was a little support. You have it on this end. Take care. :)
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #5

    Apr 11, 2006, 10:31 PM
    If you are sure you can keep the record hidden, you might want to document these events.

    My wife had an ex boyfriend that was threatening, but never escalated beyond emotional distress. Her documentation helped her deal with him through proceedings that basically got him fired.

    You are in a tough spot, with such a young one and depending on him for money. Wish I had an answer that was easy.
    milliec's Avatar
    milliec Posts: 262, Reputation: 55
    Full Member
     
    #6

    Apr 11, 2006, 11:00 PM
    Dearest "Pab"
    I know exactly what you're going through and I admire and perceive your strength.
    People like this man can only go on doing what they do only with someone strong like you. They usually are control freaks -see the bed sheet episode- by the way, I've seen couples (in real life) where the woman played this part, though it's usually the man. (look also at the thread "what's the heck?")
    You must plan you future carefully.
    Now that your youngest is 27 months old, you can start a job. I don't know what's possible where you live, there must be something, maybe something you can do at home?
    I can feel your tension, you're afraid he might be doing something to them.But you 're very young, and I'm sure you're very intelligent .
    So, start something which will enable you to stay on your own feet when time is right for you.
    Don't wait too long!
    You must also learn to see him for what he is. You say he's "70% good" -is this being "good" some kind of control? I think there is no such thing "partially good" how can you be REALLY good and kind at times, and then CRUEL? And being offending and mocking at the pain you suffer thanks to him, is a terrible form of cruelty.
    I know time heals, but, like broken bones, it's faster and more complete the younger you are.
    So, make a plan, and follow it,step by step.
    Rebuild your life (and your kid's) while still young.
    Please let us know how're doing and what can we do to help you more.
    Take good care of yourself and your daughters.
    Bye for Now,
    Millie
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,926, Reputation: 674
    Ultra Member
     
    #7

    Apr 12, 2006, 04:33 AM
    HI,
    By now, I guess you have considered trying to get him to go to Marriage Counseling, together. Sounds like he wouldn't go with you, even if you have tried. Threatening to "tie up" money is some people's way of threats. Have you talked with a Lawyer?
    Your children are the ones who are being hurt. You said the children have not been hurt. You will be amazed, later, when they are a little older, at finding out just how much they are being emotionally hurt! Children raised in "fighting" families, constant fighting and arguing between parents "pay for it". When you said you have told the children to learn when not to speak to their father, you have taught them their father is bad during those times, and possibly their father is bad to them also. This is a "no-win" situation for both you and your children. The longer you wait to end this, with a lawyer, the worse it will get.
    I am 64 yrs old, married 1st time for 7 yrs, Divorced, then re-married later, now for 29 yrs. My two children, 5 and 6, when Divorced, were saying the same things we did when my ex and I argued, and the Divorce was the best thing that could have happened for them. Our unhappy marriage was having a very, very bad effect on them.
    Your children aren't as "emotionally" happy as you think. They will have problems with all this. If you possibly can, talk with a lawyer, and get out.
    milliec's Avatar
    milliec Posts: 262, Reputation: 55
    Full Member
     
    #8

    Apr 13, 2006, 02:50 AM
    Dear Pab
    You can send me a private message here, or to [email protected]
    I'll do my best to help
    Take care,
    Millie
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
    Expert
     
    #9

    Apr 13, 2006, 07:35 AM
    GET OUT

    Period, he has convinced you that he can make your life "hell", well guess what it is time to make his life hell.

    Next your kids are not fine, they will have hidden emotional problems that will hurt them ever have a good married life latter. They are a time bomb getting ready to explode.

    And no, you need to call the police and have him arrested if he continues also. He does these things only because you allow him to. You need to stand up for yourself and your kids. It will only continue to get worst.

    There are shelters, or move out of state, your kids will be much better for it.

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