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    anonymous1's Avatar
    anonymous1 Posts: 9, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    Jun 15, 2007, 11:01 PM
    Unattentive Husband
    I love my husband and don't want to leave, but I wonder if he can change or if I'll be unhappy (in ways) forever. The problem is that he's totally inconsiderate in any way imagineable. It seems like I put a lot more efforts into his happiness than he puts towards mine. I guess it's just how my mind works, I'm always thinking of others before myself and it really bothers me that he doesn't.

    Specific examples: he's a slob. I do all housework, and he makes no effort to do simple things like put laundry in the hamper or put a dish in the sink. I don't want him to help around the house, just to be aware of his "tornado effect" and responsible for putting things where they belong.

    He lacks in hygiene and appearance. He showers, but things like teeth brushing and other little things are sometimes lacking. Dresses like a slob and doesn't tie his shoes (he knows that irritates me! ). I keep up my appearance for my own good and for him.

    Sex... he's totally selfish. I do everything, (sorry if it's TMI), I enjoy the sex itself, but feel like I'm providing "services" for him all the time. It's like it's always up to me to do new things or to go the extra mile. I'm not going to cut him off, but I just wish he'd put the moves on me in a way that makes me feel wanted for something other than a good time. I also feel like I'm in charge of everything all day long by running the household, I don't always want to be in charge during sex.

    I basically feel like a caregiver/housekeeper/whore. Which I wouldn't necessarily mind, if I got a little back once in a while!

    How can I get him to realize and appreciate all the things I do for him and that all I want is a little bit of attention? I want him to "work" for me like he did in the beginning!

    Sorry this is a bit long...
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #2

    Jun 15, 2007, 11:06 PM
    If you work outside the home, he should be dong a share of the housework,

    1. if he doe not put dirty clothes in hamper, don't wash them.

    2. If he leaves his dishes by his chair, leave them,

    3. if he does not brush his teeth, don't kiss him or have sex with him.

    4. print out this and give him a copy
    Kattalover's Avatar
    Kattalover Posts: 120, Reputation: 20
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    #3

    Jun 15, 2007, 11:13 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous1
    I basically feel like a caregiver/housekeeper/whore.
    Add "mother" to the list and you know how I feel!

    I wish I had any intelligent input for you, but all I can do at the moment is commiserate and send you best wishes. Sorry for not being very helpful!
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #4

    Jun 15, 2007, 11:14 PM
    Yeah, I wonder too--what if you stopped doing some of the nice things you do for him? Will he descend into total chaos or will he pull himself up by the bootstraps? Have you ever taken a "vacation" from housework or even from him? (Of course, that might mean you will have ten times the work when you "return"... )

    Maybe he considers you a nag? And is getting back at you for that? Does he ever talk about this?

    Maybe he needs an Oprah makeover... hmmmmm... Has he always been this way, or is this a new development? If he has always been this way, what attracted you to him? (I am really wondering that since you are so articulate and sound like a dream wife!)
    anonymous1's Avatar
    anonymous1 Posts: 9, Reputation: 3
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    #5

    Jun 15, 2007, 11:27 PM
    I don't work outside the home, and I have to say I like traditional male/female roles. I enjoy being a housewife.

    I've done suggestions 1 and 2 before, and it ends up hurting me more than him. As for #3, I don't kiss him if he doesn't brush. I don't have sex with him if he grosses me out, but I just can't completely cut that off.

    And #4... knowing his personality, I already can see what he'll do. First, he'll deny it all. Then he'll tell me "well, I go to work everyday", or "that's your job". I've tried explaining to him, that while he does go to work, at least he gets off of work, I don't. I have to be on the job 24/7, no breaks. He just doesn't "get" consideration for others, namely me.

    He has the type of mother that did everything in the house, and on top of that babied him for way too long (still does). He has a problem taking responsibility for himself, he always had mom to rescue him in every way. He kind of reminds me of Paris Hilton when she got sent to jail. He is a big deny-er, nothing is ever his fault.

    Maybe I do have to just leave for a while.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #6

    Jun 15, 2007, 11:37 PM
    Housewife is not a slave.

    And why can't you just cut him off if he is not doing hygene.

    If and when he runs out of clean clothes ( and I really mean it) he will have to wear it dity, buy new, or pick it up. No wife should have to pick up after a husband like a child.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #7

    Jun 15, 2007, 11:41 PM
    Would he go with you to a few counseling sessions, sort of a family meeting with a referee?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #8

    Jun 15, 2007, 11:42 PM
    Well he will have to pick them up to take them to mom.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #9

    Jun 15, 2007, 11:44 PM
    True, but then Anon's reputation will suffer in his mom's eyes.

    I can't get Paris Hilton out of my head now...
    anonymous1's Avatar
    anonymous1 Posts: 9, Reputation: 3
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    #10

    Jun 16, 2007, 12:04 AM
    Thank you guys for all the responses, it's nice to know somebody's listening! I think what I will do is write a carefully worded letter to him, try not to be accusing to avoid his brain shifting into denial or defense... let him know what's on my mind and see if we can have a civil conversation about it. I have no idea how it will go... sometimes we can communicate and other times it ends in frustration. I will most definitely post the outcome tomorrow.

    Thanks again!
    anonymous1's Avatar
    anonymous1 Posts: 9, Reputation: 3
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    #11

    Jun 16, 2007, 09:09 PM
    Well, I did it. It didn't seem to go either good or bad, I really think some things sunk in. I'll have to wait and see if anything actually changes, though!

    At first, he acted exactly as I predicted... defensive, denied things and brought up the fact that he works and I don't. But I was actually able to steer the conversation away form that and I have a good feeling about it!

    Thanks again for listening! :)
    Marily's Avatar
    Marily Posts: 457, Reputation: 51
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    #12

    Jun 17, 2007, 08:45 AM
    I know what you must be going through, please don't respond negatively to his behaviour, I know that like everyone else you also have needs that has to be met. Communication is important in any relationship, try to talk to him and tell him how you feel in a loving respective manner. And if he still refuse to acknowledge you, the only thing I can think of is to be prayerfull. We often find ourselves in situations that's beyond our control and the only one that has help me in my difficult situations was God. Whatever you decide to do, remenber the vows you took . Hope everything works out
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #13

    Jun 17, 2007, 09:54 AM
    If you ask me nicely, I will take out the garbage. (ask 10 times nicely that is)
    Be patient us men have the world on our shoulders and a very limited attention span. He probably meant to pick up his clothes off the floor but was distracted by the smell of bacon. Happens all the time. Just this morning my wife asked me to help her make the bed and when I came out the bathroom 20 minutes later she had straightened up the whole room and had the coffee on, smelled so good, I poured a cup and forgot to take the dishes out of the dish washer, so she ended up with breakfast ready, so I forgot to shave and shower, see how hard it is to be a man?? There is always something you want us to do!!! O Gosh now she wants sex!!! Does it ever end???? Doesn't she realize I have to work in the morning, Hope she makes it quick before the ballgame comes on!!

    Not to make light, but you are not alone. Pick your battles and express yourself. Be patient and be creative. It's a long never ending war.


    Is this an appropriate subject on Fathers Day!
    lovenit's Avatar
    lovenit Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Jan 4, 2011, 01:02 PM
    Classic. Oh so sorry to hear this! I have gone through much of the same... now I realize that in our courtship years ago, we did not have the same perspective of standard of these things... as well as spending time together. No, men do not really change until there is a lightning bolt hitting them! So! What I am doing and it is working for the most part, is don't get angry when he does not do these things. Then, ask him politely and non emotionally to do what you want(one subject i.e. toothbrushing). If he does not... then when he asks you to do something for him, do it but take a small moment to lovingly tell him that you are always happy to help him when he asks, but because he totally ignores what you ask him to do about his teeth, you feel unloved. Period. No crying or yelling or guilt trip. Then when he asks you to do something else, just say... no, but you can ask me tomorrow. Ha! Then wait and see what he does. This has worked for me. Mostly though, we do just have to accept them, and not EXPECT them to change. Also change the way you look at things... like instead of getting mad about his pigginess, let him know you feel that he does not respect your work because he leaves a trail all around the house. Tell him he is the leader and needs to set an example for the family to show respect for you and your efforts. Then just let it go. Sorry no easy answer, but acceptance helps and changes perspective. Much love to you.

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