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deebo47 · May 23, 2009, 06:13 PM

I have been married for 11 years to my high school sweetheart. We've been together a total of 18 years and have two children. Last summer, I found out that my husband was having an affair with a mutual friend. Six months later, he confessed that he had several affairs in the past before the one I found out about. I was completely devastated, and we have been in counseling since February. The problem is that he continues to make "friends" on Facebook, sharing flirty emails back and forth, sending pictures, etc. I only know this because I logged into his account and read his messages after I caught him lying about going out to lunch with a young woman I'd never met before. I am truly torn. I feel terrible spying, but I also know from the emails that he's keeping up with a number of women and the tone of the messages is very sexy and intimate. When I asked him about it, he was defensive and said they were only friends and I was reading too much into it. I feel like I just can't trust him anymore. Counseling seemed to be helping, but I realize now that he says a lot of things in counseling but has no intention of actually changing. If I were to leave, I'd be financially bankrupt, and I don't have any friends or family to turn to. What can I do?

ChihuahuaMomma · May 23, 2009, 06:16 PM

You leave him. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Look at the glass half full. You may not have the people that he brought into your life anymore, but this frees you up to meet far more amazing people, and someone to treat you right. The counseling obviously isn't working and that's because he doesn't want it to, based on his behavior. BYE.

Gemini54 · May 23, 2009, 07:12 PM

Sorry, but he's still 'cheating'.

He's still got his options open and his commitment is no longer to the marriage. Married men that are committed to their partners don't share flirty messages with 'friends'.

He's a cheater and you'll never be able to trust him while he behaves in this way, if ever again. I don't easily advocate leaving a marriage, but like ChihuahuaMomma says, it's time to move on.

Yes it will be hard, but perhaps you can speak to your counsellor personally (without him) and ask their advice regarding your legal options. Seek legal advice regarding your rights and entitlements as the mother of his two children. You have been together a long time and will have shared property and assets, I imagine.

Don't let the worry of finances stop you leaving a marriage that makes you unhappy - seek good, professional advice on this matter and I'm sure you will be surprised about what your rights are.

WillaWinda · May 23, 2009, 07:26 PM

It doesn't seem like he has any intention to change. It might sound irrelevant, but make a list of the reasons you want to stay and a list of the reasons you want to leave. Also make a list of what keeps you from taking the decision to end your marriage. Then you can go over it, and try eliminating the things that keep you from acting.

Most important thing is to be happy, will you be able to be happy with the way he responds to all this? And his lack of intention to do something real about it?

If he were doing the right things to keep his marriage, you wouldn't be feeling doubts.

I think your real concern is not being able to make it alone. It might be difficult at first, but if you don't do something about it and if you let years go by, you will end up feeling worthless, and that will be a block to being able to do productive things in your life and being happy.

Its much better to take a drastic solution and suffer once, than to suffer a little and then more through out the years until you have no will of your own to do anything about this.

But you do have to prepare before you take the step. Think with your logical mind not with your heart. Logic never makes a mistake.

Prepare without him knowing, get all the legal info you need, and get all the emotional support you can from people that are qualified to help.

I wish · May 25, 2009, 08:40 AM

I'm not sure what you are expecting out of counselling. Couples go into counselling because BOTH of them are willing to work out the issues. He obviously has no intention of doing that, going onto his Facebook just proves it.

It's time to stop hanging on to something that is bound to fail and that continues to hurt you. You don't have to suffer anymore. It's time to leave him and move on with your life. You have two kids to worry about. Why trap your kids in a marriage based on lies and cheating, what kind of example is that? Well I'm guessing that your children have no idea what's going on with their father.

Rich11111 · May 26, 2009, 04:19 AM

I know it will be hard, but leaving him is the best option.
That is Unless you can live knowing that he is sleeping with other women, some of whom are your friends.
He doesn't seem willing to change.
It will be a struggle making it on your own but surly its better than being trapped in an unhappy marriage.