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loresta · Feb 1, 2008, 06:53 AM

My husband and I have been married for 39 years. We have two boys who are adults. We have four beautiful grand kids. He is a good provider and mostly a nice person,however during the 39 years of marriage he has always been very insure. He came from a family who always drink and were very jealous people. His parents separated at an early age and he was always around his mother and several aunt who cheated on their husband. All he ever new at a young age was women who cheated. He be came a musian and worked in the clubs before our marriage and after we married and again around the same informant. When my kids were young I could handle some of the false thing he would acuse me of, however I am 62 and he is 65 and I still have to deal with this mental abuse. My family were good God loving people and I pray and ask God to work it out. However just this last week he got angry because my first cousin boyfriend call my home and I happen to answer the phone to invite us over. Because he did not ask to speak to him he feel we were not given respect. He has always said little thing about him but would tune him out. However he call the man and wanted to know why he never wanted to speak to him. I want to save my marriage however he need help and refuse to seek help because he feel there is nothing wrong. How can I convince to get help. At this stage in my life all I want is peace and happiness.

starbuck8 · Feb 1, 2008, 07:34 AM

Hi Loresta,

Do you and your husband belong to a church? Maybe you could speak with the minister (priest, rabbi... ) and let him know about the problems you are having with your husband. They might know the best way to approach him.

If not, does your husband have a close friend or relative who's opinion he trusts? If there is someone like this that you can confide in, maybe this person could very subtely bring up the subject to your husband, and give him some advice. You would need to make sure it's someone that you trust also, because you wouldn't want that person mentioning that you confided in him or her. Also, maybe one of your son's could sit down and have a casual talk with him, as I'm sure your son's must have seen how their father treats you sometimes.

I know it's hard to reason with some men that are this way. My Dad doesn't treat my Mom very well sometimes either, and it makes us kids less close and sometimes resentful to him. So I know it isn't easy to sit down and talk with a man that has got his mind made up. After 39 yrs of marriage and 2 grown kids and grandbabies, you should just be able to sit back and relax and enjoy each other now.

Good luck to you!

George_1950 · Feb 1, 2008, 12:56 PM

Like starbuck8 says, a minister is a good resource. So is someone else in the local mental health clinic or a social worker with training in marital relations. I would not involve family or friends in this because it may make enemies; you need a fair and impartial mediator.

onlinecounsellor_Dale · Feb 1, 2008, 02:43 PM

Hi Loresta
You are clearly very loyal to your husband and [rightfully] proud of the family you share together. I do feel, however, that in trying to understand your husband's behavior you are also making excuses for it, which may in some ways be enabling it.

Accusations of infidelity (where there's clearly none), along with controlling and possessive behavior are forms of emotional abuse. Full stop.

Your desire for peace and happiness is understandable, as is you wanting your husband to get help and change. Unfortunately, it is incredibly challenging to get an adult who is convinced they are 'right' and unwilling to openly acknowledge they have a problem, or who is distrusting of others in general and/or of the helping profession, to seek help.

The good news is that you can seek help for yourself. Talking to a professional will enable you to become clearer on what is going on in your marriage and how best to manage it. It will also give you a forum in which to have a 'voice' and talk freely about your feelings and experiences, something which I am concerned may at times be denied in your marriage.

All the best to you Loresta.