Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    SouthernSweetie's Avatar
    SouthernSweetie Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Aug 10, 2016, 09:49 PM
    TORN...
    I love my husband and we've been together for 8 years. Just as most married couples we have had our good and bad times. However I can't begin to tell you the numerous times we have split and gotten back together. I'm so tired of the same pattern and I don't know if I want to remain married to him anymore! This last split was pretty terrible and I truly believe in my heart I am over this! Five months past with no contact on either end and a few weeks ago he contacted me. Like a dummy I replied,and well guess what we're back together again. What really bothers me is before we split I begged him to quit his job and move home. It was a job that required constant travel. Well I knew he had a girlfriend and I told him the grass wouldn't be greener, that I'm his wife and I've always been there. Well he quit his job during our split and moved with her! It didn't work and so what does he do runs home. I love him and he knows I would let him back as usual. This time though I don't feel the same and I don't think I want to be with him anymore. I feel as if he's with me out of convenience and not to mention family problems. My family hates me (the feeling is mutual) and my family hates him. How do I tell him this isn't going to work and him take me serious. I've mentioned it 2days after him being home! It's been 2weeks and my feelings haven't changed. How do I end it and not feel bad or like I'm wrong?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #2

    Aug 11, 2016, 02:22 AM
    You give very mixed messages in the same breath (and you do admit it in your title). You are his wife and have 'always been there' despite him running off with another woman? And then wonder why he runs back to you every time, and guess what, you let him? You are equally responsible for this marriage, and seem to be equally unable to make it work. YOU are the one who has to be clear about whether or not you mean total split and divorce. It isn't a matter of how to say it in a way that he will 'take you serious.' Saying it is easy. You have to mean it. You just sit down and say that you are done and here is how it's going to work, as far as divorce and splitting up possessions.

    You haven't told us what the living arrangements are, but often that's the toughest part of the logistics.

    Again: YOU are the one calling the shots. You make a list if you have to. A, B, C. This is how this divorce is going to happen.

    IF you read this and realize that you really are still torn and don't want a divorce, you get couples counseling. There you will be taught how to communicate. It isn't 'who's right' kind of therapy. Just lessons on talking out problems. Some people can get it from a book. No one says it's easy to learn.

    If you can't forgive him for the girlfriend, then don't even try to make it work. Hurt and anger will resurface constantly. File for divorce.
    SouthernSweetie's Avatar
    SouthernSweetie Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #3

    Aug 11, 2016, 05:22 AM
    It's way more than the girlfriend situation! I know what to do I just feel guilty for not being able to save him I guess. Like his family is a BIG issue his father introduced him to drugs, he's mentality abusive to EVERYONE including my husbands mother. So I guess that's what they think love is, because they still love the evil man. I'm tired of it and I'm tired of never getting ahead in life, period I feel like my husband drags me down. I was happy without him for those 5months we were apart. Unlike him I have a wonderful family which includes 3 wonderful grandchildren, and my father is a good father. We live with my father and he is super good to us. I just want to not feel like the bad guy by saying hey this last split did it for me. I thought I wanted my husband back,now that he is I realize I am done. This last split his last words to me were "I was a b*tch and the only thing I was good for was spreading my legs" that's because I texted and told his girlfriend we slept together! Well needless to say him and his girlfriend didn't work out 5months later and he is jobless and has a 500 dollar truck note. I just can't get past all of the drama, but I feel bad about wanting to walk away. Plus he's already told me he won't give me a divorce so is there a way I can get one granted if he won't sign?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member
     
    #4

    Aug 11, 2016, 05:34 AM
    It all depends on where you live if you even need the other person to agree or sign.

    Now if they don't they can make it a significantly more expensive task, but many places they don't HAVE to agree to it.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,881, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #5

    Aug 11, 2016, 08:40 AM
    I just want to not feel like the bad guy by saying hey this last split did it for me.
    Be the bad guy, and kick the bum to the curb! You want your freedom... then take it, and quit whining! Harsh, yes it is, but you stand in your own way, and create your own drama.

    Take it upon yourself to talk to an divorce attorney. No doubt you both created this mess but you have to clean it up on your own. Sorry that's just the way it is in life so get busy and find a lawyer and let him guide you through the process.

    Ask your dad to help you.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,253, Reputation: 5642
    Expert
     
    #6

    Aug 11, 2016, 08:46 AM
    "He won't sign" is an excuse. When it goes to court the judge signs the order of divorce and that is final.

    "He won't sign" is an excuse. When it goes to court the judge signs the order of divorce and that is final.
    Precious7's Avatar
    Precious7 Posts: 333, Reputation: 61
    Full Member
     
    #7

    Aug 11, 2016, 10:38 AM
    May be, you yourself has to first accept and self realize what you both are going through is real and its happening no matter how many times you got together.
    You have to realize, you can't save him (as you stated in your post) unless he wants to help himself and get together with you to be in a mutual terms. If you know that he has been going out and sleeping with other GF and coming back to you when its convenience or for whatever reason, you make your choice if you want to be in this kind of relationship or not. You have to decide if you want to give it a chance and go for counseling together or you want to end this 'circle'. Whatever you choose, it won't make you a Bad person in any way, be sure of that.
    SouthernSweetie's Avatar
    SouthernSweetie Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #8

    Aug 11, 2016, 01:23 PM
    Yes this is all true and I know this will be hard but in the end I'll have a better and less stressful life.I just don't even know how to tell him and how do I get him to take me serious. He knows I love him and he always says the right things to make me stay.
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
    Senior Member
     
    #9

    Aug 12, 2016, 01:35 PM
    Sister, I don't think you have been listening to what has been told to you. There is nothing for you to save, it is done, it is over. If you want for this same game to continue on for years and years, just keep listening to yourself say "He knows I love him and he always says the right things to make me stay."
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #10

    Aug 12, 2016, 02:14 PM
    A. This is the United States! You don't even need a lawyer. Kids? Expensive property to divide? No? You trot down to the courthouse and get the forms to file a divorce, and pay a fee when you file. He doesn't have to know about it until it's half done. He won't contest it; he can't afford the thousands just to retain a lawyer.

    B. Why are you telling us more stories? We get the picture. So I was a little off about the girlfriend being the biggie, so what (and that was your emphasis at first anyway). The marriage is a bust.
    I'm not so sure you mean it. You say you do, and then go all over the place again. Am I being mean? Just tough.
    SouthernSweetie's Avatar
    SouthernSweetie Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #11

    Aug 12, 2016, 10:26 PM
    *Update* my daughter is my savior I was talking to her about the situation and she told me she had no problem 'cleaning house' so while I was at work today she made him leave! She just went to my dad's house and walked straight in and said "you gotta go!" He was like "Go huh,go where" she said anywhere but here! He packed his few little belongings and left! Then called me and asked why I had my daughter kick him out lol. I simply replied because "I have tried to tell you nicely I don't feel the same" my daughter is a ruthless savage lol she doesn't care! Plus she said he doesn't deserve me! I feel so much better! If he ever contacts me again I'll just ignore him! Thanks to everyone's opinions it helped more than any of you know 😚😚😚😚
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #12

    Aug 13, 2016, 06:28 AM
    HEY, give your daughter a big smooch for us! She did all the work.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert
     
    #13

    Aug 13, 2016, 06:47 PM
    So glad your daughter has a spine. Hope you get one before he calls you again, because really, your daughter shouldn't be the one fixing your problems. You have to learn to be an adult and handle your own crap.

    Wow, that was harsh, but the truth often is.

    Good luck. I hope you don't cave in to him again.
    SouthernSweetie's Avatar
    SouthernSweetie Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #14

    Aug 14, 2016, 09:20 AM
    He has been calling and texting and I have not replied!
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
    Senior Member
     
    #15

    Aug 14, 2016, 10:00 AM
    Maybe if you keep up the NO Reply for about ten years, he may get the message that you are done. Some guys and gals are slow learners. I included both sexes so as to not get jumped on here.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #16

    Aug 14, 2016, 12:04 PM
    Congrats. Keep telling us this, each day. It's really nice when people write back.
    SouthernSweetie's Avatar
    SouthernSweetie Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #17

    Aug 15, 2016, 09:59 AM
    Yes indeed I agree. So I must confess I talked to him today via fb messenger. He contacted me saying he felt as if the world is against him and he didn't know what to do. Of course the I love you and I feel like this shouldn't end like this. However I tempted him just to see what he would do. I asked him to come over to talk and he said no because he doesn't want me to hurt from all of his stupidity. So today we were talking and I told him he needs to get his life together on his own and that's a big reason I let him gom he wasn't mad or acted stupid. He said he was working on it and we will be OK. He's not asking for my help. Does this mean we might work out in the near future? Do I continue to talk to him or no? It may just be a lure to reel me in. Idk I'm so confused! I love him and he has good potential and he isn't a bad person... :(
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
    Senior Member
     
    #18

    Aug 15, 2016, 10:07 AM
    I was going to respond but on second thought, I decline because you will be going down this road years to come. Have you ever known a Leopard to change its Spots?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member
     
    #19

    Aug 15, 2016, 10:35 AM
    There is a fork in the road.. down one you both need to attend counseling and be able to work on the future and not dwell over the past... and work things out..

    The other you part and both go your own ways.


    You have to decide which you want because it's a decision you have to live with...


    I personally think this is between the two of you..and your daughter shouldn't be put in the middle of it, by anyone's choice...even her own.
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
    Senior Member
     
    #20

    Aug 15, 2016, 10:42 AM
    Smoothy is correct, Actions speak louder than words.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

I am torn.. What do I do? [ 2 Answers ]

I am 20 years old and I am completely torn on what to do. I met this guy in October of last year we have been talking off and on since. He compliments me quite often even when I go into his work. We never dated we just quit talking because I didn't feel we were on the same level at that time,...

Torn between the two [ 1 Answers ]

I've been dating this guy for a year he already had a girlfriend when I met him. He went away for 7 months I met someone else but I still love him and he still have feelings for me He also still have this same girlfriend I just want to know if I should let us go or just let us be:confused:...

Torn [ 15 Answers ]

Hi my name is carmela, I am 38 years old and been married for twenty years to the same man. We have four children together. Recently I have been having these strong attraction feeling with a male friend of ours that I known for 10 years. When I first met the my friend we click instant we are both...

Torn in two [ 3 Answers ]

Hello, This will be a longish question, I apologize in advance. My boyfriend of 4 years chose to end our relationship in February. We had lived together for 2 years. After 6 weeks he contacted me, telling me he had made a terrible mistake and wanted to come "home." I said no, moving back...

Torn about my ex-gf [ 7 Answers ]

I broke up with my girlfriend about 5 months ago. We broke up mainly because she was starting a new school and would be very busy. We both still had feelings for each other, and there were some moments after the break up where we almost did get back together, but for some reason or another...


View more questions Search