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    Eaeason16's Avatar
    Eaeason16 Posts: 12, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Nov 25, 2017, 08:37 PM
    Taken for granted
    To make a long story short, my husband and I have been married 3 years. We have two children together and I have one from a previous marriage. My husband is a military veteran, and has mild PTSD. He has been on medication for about two years now ( His gets depressed/ withdrawn, hyperaroused, anxious and has a trouble with anger and snappiness). For a little over two months he has quit taking his meds (he has to see dr before they will prescribe more) For a little while it was OK, but for the past month it has been rough. He never seems happy at all, he gets way over protective of the kids, second guesses my constantly with our children (one has severe food allergies), our oldest is 7 and has severe adhd so when his meds wear off he can be a handful (the other night my husband went overboard, got in his face screaming and holding his finger in his face and was s mad he was visibly shaking) I pulled him out of the room and told him that he was out of line, he argued but later apologized. My poor son was crying a river, it was the first time that I actually felt scared of my husband around of children. A few weeks ago he also got upset at me and left the house he said that he was on the verge of choking me. I can't remember what we were arguing about but I believe it was something very small. Fast forward, he's still off his meds even after multiple tries to get him to schedule his appointments, I even offered to do it for him or go with him but he still won't go. Things are progressively worsening.. he is distant, cold, and honestly acts like he doesn't want to be here, he doesn't do anything to help me with the kids or around the house except for every once in a blue moon, I feel so alone. We are also having financial problems, my husband makes good money but we have gotten behind on bills and now are struggling to catch back up. I sld everything of value that I own to pay for our children Christmas and birthday presents and I feel like I am the only putting forth real effort. When he's on his meds at least he is more loving and less hostile and distant but he keeps refusing... I don't know how much more I can stand it. Tonight he left to go hang out and drink with his friends and I asked him to please not be out all night, or at least come home by midnight and he got angry with me, and did I mention the money he took to buy his drinks was the only money he has to last until his next paycheck a week away! =( advice please!
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #2

    Nov 26, 2017, 01:34 AM
    It's time to sit down with him and tell him how his actions are making you feel. PTSD is a serious thing, but if the meds help him he should be taking them, and if his actions while not taking his meds are disrupting the family, he needs to know that, and he may not know.

    So sit with him, tell him everything you just told us, tell him how stressed you are, and ask him why he hasn't gone to get his prescriptions filled, what's holding him back from doing so?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #3

    Nov 26, 2017, 06:03 AM
    Ask him for a time in the next 3 days when you can both sit and have a real quiet, calm talk. Plan what you will say. Leave out the recriminations - he knows what they are, how he's acting.
    Tell him that you want to save the marriage, and that you need to know if he does too. That's the crux of this all, right?
    If he says he does, then say that you both need to work on a plan.
    Two concrete steps in that plan include talking about how each of you feels about the marriage, the kids, and about life.
    TRY not to make this all about his failings. That can be worked into the talks gently and slowly. It takes two to tango. Say so.
    The second step is finances. Studies of failing relationships have shown that most are about money.
    Just from what you have said here, you don't strike me as a good manager of money any more than he is. Presents for the kids? No, cut them way back and explain in one sentence that you don't have the money this time. My father was self employed and we had good years and bad, and there were Christmases when we got nothing.
    If he makes good money, then both of you are overspending. Do bills together once a month, keep an expense book, and draw up a budget. It doesn't take bookkeeping knowledge.
    Starting on the finances will take a lot of strain off the emotional problems. It is solid. It's doable. Talking about the rest of it will fall into place.
    Pretend you are in a therapist's office together, twice a week. 9 pm - pick a time. You tell him how you are feeling for 10 minutes, then he does. Telling how you feel is NOT a list of what he does wrong. It must NOT start with ''you make me feel'' either. Work on this the way you would for a course in psychology, for credit!

    Any attempt on your part to launch right into his drinking and going off meds will backfire.
    All meds have side effects and many are pretty awful. Several disrupt sexual function. If any of that is true for him, wait for him to say so. Be gradual, and remember, talk about how you feel, not about what he is doing wrong.

    If he refuses to do any of this right off the bat, then go away to calm down, come back, and tell him that you feel that you need to talk to a divorce attorney.

    Sadly, many military spouses do struggle with marriage, and many just can't handle it. Most VAs are not much help. But it doesn't mean that YOUR marriage has to fail. I think you have what it takes to save this one.
    Eaeason16's Avatar
    Eaeason16 Posts: 12, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Nov 26, 2017, 08:52 AM
    Thank you both, this helps tremendously.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,108, Reputation: 10852
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    #5

    Nov 26, 2017, 09:26 AM
    Do you have family and friends that can help you through these difficult issues? Sometimes just a little in person support can help and go a long way. Obviously you are overwhelmed by many things with the small kids and finances, and add to that a stubborn husband who doesn't want help. I can feel your stress. Hard to get through this ALONE. I have seen a few people go off their meds before, and the thing that worked best was intervention by more than one person. Even if you must contact his doctor yourself, and hopefully get a referral for additional help. Folks don't seem to know the stress and trauma they cause others around them, especially during difficult times, when they refuse to help THEMSELVES.

    Do you indeed have such family, or family friends, around you? If not you have no choice, but take a firm stance for your own sanity, and maybe seek some help for yourself first, if possible, AND it is, so you have the strength and support to get him to see his doctor. Yes you start with the calm talking but you must be willing to go further, and be more proactive, with someone with his issues.

    The harsh part from me is the money management part, which I feel it's never acceptable to sell your stuff for holiday stuff. I think in this area you need to own your part in this and not even try to just blame him. Bad finances are but a symptom of the failure to communicate and work together to properly plan and execute the plan. Having said that his issues may contribute greatly so be aware that with or without meds the alcohol helps NOTHING, it makes things worse.

    I feel you are already at the point that an intervention is NECESSARY. Hope you can add some feed back to what has been suggested by all of us so far.
    Eaeason16's Avatar
    Eaeason16 Posts: 12, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    Nov 26, 2017, 10:31 PM
    Unfortunately no, I do not have a big support system. I have one friend that I could tell anything to but every time we try to plan something together something else comes up. My husband is my support system, so its tough when we butt heads. Yes, I agree financial responsibilities are both of ours but its difficult to really help when I do not have any earned income. All that I receive it child support once a month and every penny goes to groceries and sometimes even that isn't enough. We would be OK if we can just get caught up, that is what is getting us. Why pay what's overdue but cannot afford to get ahead so it's a vicious cycle. I myself have my own issues too, bad post partum depression but I am taking zololf which helps and have an appointment to adjust my dosage or try a new medicine. I am not trying to blame our issues on him alone, we both have issues and are both under a lot of stress, I just feel like when he's off his meds that we cannot not communicate like we normally do, and he's so edgy and harsh its difficult for me to approach him because he will not talk, he'll listen but not say anything. I have tried writing him letters too because sometimes its easier for me to articulate what I am trying to say on paper. It also helps to just be able to get it off my chest to someone completely unbiased too. I love my husband, he's a good man. I just wish he would get some help so we can go back to being calm and talking to each other without feeling like we are attacking one another
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,108, Reputation: 10852
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    #7

    Nov 27, 2017, 08:23 AM
    Eaeason, I well remember those struggling years where we were balancing babies and bills, and trying to build the bonds between us despite the challenges we were going through. I know for fact it's extremely difficult. Do you happen to know WHY your husband doesn't want to take his meds as he is supposed too?

    Many complain of the harsh side effects and the bad feelings that they have to endure, and I wonder if he too is in this same category. It's a very common complaint and logically a doctors visit for adjustments is in order, but obviously logic is over ruled by feelings and I suspect he thinks he doesn't need the meds, despite your pleas for him to take them.

    You may well have to back off the idea, or wish that he will do the right thing concerning HIS issues, and adjust your focus to the things within your own power to MANAGE, which is YOUR heath, and your kids. Leads to the question of WHO manages the finances in your home? I know you are a stay at home mom, uncompensated of course, LOL, and he works, but WHERE is the GLITCH that makes you broke besides the HOLIDAY? Let me tell it, 3 kids, 3 years of marriage... LOGICALLY you are supposed to be broke and overwhelmed by such an enormous challenge! The reality is you are just starting and defining yourselves.

    No doubt this latest chapter of your life has thrown you off, and maybe you both have lost sight of the important things that got you together, since there is much here to distract you. You already have some good basics to build on, a friend, and a way to express yourself, keep writing those letters! I know my suggestion was for an intervention but thanks to your greatly appreciated input, and feedback, that doesn't seem possible at this time, so I think your best course of action is FOCUS on what little you have, and not so much on what you don't.

    Do very FIRMLY express to him, meds or NOT about his behavior around the kids AND YOU. In small ways you can begin to set the boundaries of good behavior you can both live with, and hopefully build on. The goal should be endure the storms of life, of which there will be MANY, and persevere through the challenges that are but obstacles to happiness to be overcome.

    Marriage is a PROCESS, not an event, and best go slow, careful, and thoughtfully. As long as you remember you cannot control him, his thoughts, or actions just your own, you will be just fine. Stop fretting about what he ain't doing, and plan what YOU are going to do.

    So how do you plan to deal with TODAY?
    Eaeason16's Avatar
    Eaeason16 Posts: 12, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Nov 27, 2017, 09:38 AM
    Well put! I think our first step tonight will be to sit down and calculate our debts and work on a plan to get out of our current financial hole since that has been our primary stressor. Then sometime this week try to get our family on some sort of schedule that we can set aside a time for certain things instead of rushing around trying to do everything at once. Focus less on the negative and more on the positive.

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