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    kat_women's Avatar
    kat_women Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 30, 2010, 11:32 PM
    Stressed
    Hey everyone, I really need some help. My name is Katie and I am 28 years old. I have 2 girls - 4 and 24 months. I've been married for nearly 5 years. My husband is a nice guy. He loves and cherishes his daughters. He has started family night with us which really excites our girls. All around he's an okay guy. However, here is the problem. I am the one that is financially responsible for everything (electric, gas, rent, phones, daycare, cars, food, toiletries, etc.) I've being paying for it all since 2007. It doesn't matter how I complain or fuss. The only thing he says about this issue is he is only working 10 hours a week and if he had it, he would do more. His only contribution is the dishes with the help of the dish washer. When I ask about his check, He says that he has to put it towards gas for his car (that I paid for). My husband is at home 5 days out of each week. When I get home from work, I am responsible for cooking, cleaning, laundry, and getting the kids ready for bed. On the weekends, I mow the lawn (thank God for the fall and winter seasons). I have asked him to leave and give me a divorce but he says that he needs to stay for our daughters. I tell my husband that I am stressed and overwhelmed with all this responsibility. He thinks sex is the answer to everything. It would be nice if he would help me out for just one month.Is he taking advantage of me or am I making a big deal out a small matter?
    TeriRose's Avatar
    TeriRose Posts: 3, Reputation: 7
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    #2

    Oct 31, 2010, 12:05 AM

    If life at your house is as you have stated, no, it doesn't seem like you are making a big deal out of nothing. There are responsibilities that every adult has and especially when children are involved. If he is home all day and you are working, then at the very least it would seem that he would take care of all of the household chores that need to be done so that you could relax a little and spend some time with your kids. It doesn't seem like your husband is dong his part and if you continue as you are, things probably won't improve.

    If you want things to change, you could write things down on paper, get clear in your mind what you need to remain in the marriage, present it and either talk and work out a new plan or stand your ground on the things important to you and be prepared to move on if things don't change. There should be mutual benefits and it doesn't seem like you really have any benefits from the marriage and your kids aren't really learning things that will help them later on in life in their own relationships from the sound of it.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #3

    Oct 31, 2010, 04:58 AM
    It strikes me that you asked for a divorce and when he said no, you let it go at that? There's a suggestion in all this that you are a pushover who allows him to get away with letting you do all the work. I agree about making a list. And sitting down at the table when the kids are in bed and calmly telling him he is to do 4 times as many hours of chores as you do (based on your job being 40 hours?), or get a full time job, or else you will file for divorce without his say so. Assign time to each chore and decide who does what, and do not open any other aspect of it to question.
    Devorameira's Avatar
    Devorameira Posts: 2,461, Reputation: 981
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    #4

    Oct 31, 2010, 06:23 AM

    It's one thing if he were working part-time keeping the housework done, cooking, watching the kids, and doing the laundry, but it's ridiculous that he does nothing. Your husband is a disrespectful jerk. He seems to control you and it appears that you just take all the crap.

    He says he doesn't want a divorce because he needs to stay around for the girls - that's bull. What you aren't noticing is that the girls are watching him disrespecting you and seeing you take it. Since they'll see this as the norm, they may grow up allowing men to disrespect them as well. Don't let that happen.

    You need to sit down and have a serious discussion. Don't allow him to tell you what he's not going to do... tell him bluntly that he either takes care of the house, cooking, kids, and laundry or gets a full time job and helps you with the house, cooking, kids, and laundry.

    Don't take no for an answer! If he refuses, then you need to seriously consider ending it.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #5

    Oct 31, 2010, 06:29 AM

    I don't think a divorce is the answer. I do agree that you should ask him nicely and calmly to help out more with the various household chores. But also understand that he has his hands full with 2 young children all day long. It's pretty hard to keep a neat, spotless house under those conditions. Perhaps if you told him that the more he does the less you'd have to do and that'd give you more energy for sex, maybe that'd light a fire under him.
    kat_women's Avatar
    kat_women Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Oct 31, 2010, 08:19 AM
    Comment on s_cianci's post

    But s_cianci, my children are in daycare which cost me nearly $200 each week. My Husband's day consist of sleeping until 12:00 noon, video games, and the internet.

    Comment on joypulv's post

    Yes, I am a pushover. But I am tired. I've been fighting this battle for more than 3 years. With everything that I have tried, it only makes the situation worse.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,318, Reputation: 10854
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    #7

    Oct 31, 2010, 08:45 AM

    Its quite clear you have a problem setting boundaries. I think you are having the same problem that men have had when they come home, and the house is not as they think it should be and the chores are not done as they think they should be done.

    He works part time, and essentially is there for the kids. Pick the chores that help, and support him, and leave the rest, and don't complain about it, and let him do it in his own time. I have never thought to complain about what chores my wife does, or why its not done to my satisfaction, while I was working to pay the bills. I think being there for the kids means a lot, so give him that space to do what he can, because the rule in my house was always, and still is, if you want it done NOW, DO IT YOURSELF! If you want it done to YOUR satisfaction, DO IT YOURSELF! I think once you get it in mind to define each others roles together and let your partner do the best they can, you won't be so bothered by what they can't do, and appreciate more what they do.

    You want dinner ready when you get home, express that to him, NOT demand, and if its not, leave and get a meal by yourself. Sometimes the best way to get compromise, is to compromise, fairly. To do that you have to not only know YOUR limits, but HIS as well.

    Just so you know, after more than 30 years of marriage, I am still learning to take the garbage out to HER satisfaction. I guess I'm never going to get it right. Hope she doesn't leave me for a guy who can!!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,318, Reputation: 10854
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    #8

    Oct 31, 2010, 09:09 AM
    You posted with new facts and concerns, so let me address them. It helps if you scroll down to answer to this post, since you have new facts to consider, rather than using the comments to this post feature.


    [QUOTE by kat_women;
    Comment on s_cianci's post
    But s_cianci, my children are in daycare which cost me nearly $200 each week. My Husband's day consist of sleeping until 12:00 noon, video games, and the Internet.
    You can take a stronger stance against his laziness, but he works 10 hours a week, and maybe that hurts more than helps the family. Just curious as to what kind of job is just 10 hours a week, and only pays enough for him to get there?

    Comment on joypulv's post
    Yes, I am a pushover. But I am tired. I've been fighting this battle for more than 3 years. With everything that I have tried, it only makes the situation worse.
    Stop trying so hard to change him, and work more for understanding through communicating to see why he is the way he is. That's talking and listening, and being honest that this isn't working for you that well, and you may find out why he doesn't co operate more with you. And explain why you need daycare? You control the money, that you make, and maybe it should be used more wisely, because honestly, he seems to have time to do what daycare does with the proper motivation like an allowance for things he wants. That would also give him something he seems to need but doesn't have, RESPONSIBILITY.

    Don't let your lack of good communication skills, or frustration stop you from finding solutions that work and deal with your issues.
    kat_women's Avatar
    kat_women Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Oct 31, 2010, 06:55 PM
    Comment on talaniman's post

    Lowe's Home Improvement as an sales associate. This week he worked Tues. and Sun. The commute is about 35 miles one way. On the subject of communication, We have discussed this issue several times. He admitted that his contributions are not enough.

    The is no problem for me to do it myself. I'm the only one doing anything. But, I want my kids to see there mother and father working together. This crap that my husband is pulling is not acceptable. If he helps out, it only last a couple of days.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,318, Reputation: 10854
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    #10

    Oct 31, 2010, 07:27 PM

    I would rather just pick up the kids, cook and clean, and sleep till noon, but being home all day would drive me NUTS, and though its not much, at least he gets out, and can be productive, and among people he can be helpful to.

    That doesn't help your stress relief one bit though, and I think that's where your solution may lie. Got any hobbies you like, and can do on your own, jogging, maybe a gym workout for 30 minutes 3 times a week, mow the lawn every 12 days, and not every 7. Modify your routine to get some rest, not sex. Save up to treat yourself for all your hard work, and tell hubby straight up, you need stress relief right freakin' now and that doesn't mean sex. Then take a break from the chores.

    Well that's what my wife does, and she gets her way!! :eek: Hell I learned to make a sandwich, and do my own funky draws. (she was an overwhelmed, stressed out, stay at home mom).

    Everyone needs a break, and some stress relief. Just to be able to feel like keeping on, so announce your 30 days of break, and tell the family they are on their own, and start with a bubble bath.

    Being married to the perfect partner is a challenge for the most creative and dedicated, more so when your partner is less than perfect. But my wife has learned to tolerate me(?).
    kat_women's Avatar
    kat_women Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Oct 31, 2010, 08:11 PM
    Why did my husband change after marriage?
    Hey, its Katie again. Thanks for all your comments on my previous question on the issue of stress. But, now I wondering if all the responsibility of a wife and kids are too much for my husband. Before we were married, we had some of the same goals and ideas. I thought he was the perfect man. We have always had a 50/50 relationship. Now, I wonder if this was his plan all along (for me to take care of him and our kids). We dated 7 years and after the 1st year of marriage I started noticing small things like: he began playing video games until 3 or 4am, hanging out with his friends more, not helping out with the house work, and I began doing most of the yard work which were red flags. After, asking him about it, he would always say he is tried because he worked all night and the video games help him to relax. Back then, his work schedule was the same for everyday and he had weekends off. So, I let it go and began picking up more responsibilities at home. Note: we both worked 40 hours each week. I got off at 5:00pm and he got off at 10:00pm. Now, he is working 10 hours a week and I still work 8 until 5. However, I am financially responsible for everything and take of the cooking and cleaning as well. Therefore, I feel that my husband should help out more with the house work. This is a issue we discuss at least once a week. But, somehow, I still end up doing it all. This is not the man I married.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,318, Reputation: 10854
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    #12

    Nov 2, 2010, 10:04 AM

    Stop doing his chores, and let him do his own work his way. No need to get mad, or nag, just ignore it, and go about your business. The trick is to hide your frustration, or at least ignore it, and merely observe for a month or two. Matter of fact you should be doing things you enjoy, instead of trying to change him, give him space to make his own adjustments.

    Its hard I know when things seem to change for the worse, and you start wondering what's up with this guy? But marriage is about both partners adjusting, and working together, and I, from reading your other post (merged with this one by the way) see a dynamic of things have changed, and your expectations have not. And you want a certain order and effort, and he ain't toeing the line. Observe a few weeks or a month and see what he does without you nagging, and doing things for him. He may get it, he may not, but then you talk, and find out what's up. Talking is not begging, nagging, venting, or ranting because you have had enough, but a conversation where you listen, and get insights, and information.

    I must say that when he slips back to old ways, that's not a signal to pick up his slack.
    answerme_tender's Avatar
    answerme_tender Posts: 1,148, Reputation: 689
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    #13

    Nov 2, 2010, 01:04 PM

    Have you tried to get some professional marriage counseling? Even talking to a local clergy might help. Your husband may need to have a man sit down explain that role of husband and father means more then sleeping until noon and playing video games. It's a shame that your husband doesn't care enough himself to improve his ambition in those roles. Of course why should he, you do everything and allow him to sit right there and watch you do it all. You have enabled him to stay a poor contributor to this marriage. Now that you are at your wits end, you want him to change. That change will not happen overnight.

    I would at least give him opportunity to get that counseling with you, if he doesn't then I would be making some decisions on your marriage.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
    Welbeing Expert
     
    #14

    Nov 2, 2010, 02:02 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by kat_women View Post
    Hey everyone, I really need some help. My name is Katie and I am 28 years old. I have 2 girls - 4 and 24 months. I've been married for nearly 5 years. My husband is a nice guy. He loves and cherishes his daughters. He has started family night with us which really excites our girls. All around he's an okay guy. However, here is the problem. I am the one that is financially responsible for everything (electric, gas, rent, phones, daycare, cars, food, toiletries, etc.) I've being paying for it all since 2007. It doesn't matter how I complain or fuss. The only thing he says about this issue is he is only working 10 hours a week and if he had it, he would do more. His only contribution is the dishes with the help of the dish washer. When I ask about his check, He says that he has to put it towards gas for his car (that I paid for). My husband is at home 5 days out of each week. When I get home from work, I am responsible for cooking, cleaning, laundry, and getting the kids ready for bed. On the weekends, I mow the lawn (thank God for the fall and winter seasons). I have asked him to leave and give me a divorce but he says that he needs to stay for our daughters. I tell my husband that I am stressed and overwhelmed with all this responsibility. He thinks sex is the answer to everything. It would be nice if he would help me out for just one month.Is he taking advantage of me or am I making a big deal out a small matter?


    I know this may seem far fetched, being that I'm a woman and all, but will you marry ME? Lol

    You are quite a catch...

    Seriously though, you are doing too much and taking on a lot. Your plate is full. Is that fair for you? NO!

    I do have a question, why are your children in daycare if the Husband is at home all day?

    Shouldn't the parent that stays at home watch the kids all day, while the other parent works all day? That right there would alleviate a lot, with money and him being more constructive.

    Someone on here mentioned that divorce is NOT the answer, and I have to agree with that.

    I would sit down in a calm way and try to figure out what is going on with him. Some times people get stuck in a funck in which causes them to behave this way. This might be a sign of depression on his part.

    If I can make a suggestion here, when I was married, there was a time when I was the bread winner in my family, so what I did was purchase a dry/erase board and write out a structured day for the household duties as well as the kids. It seemed to work with us. Also, my Husband did openly admit to me that he DID need a list of chores. He said that he was lost and didn't know what needed to be done.

    Just to point out, when the tables were turned, I too followed that list. It was a two way street.

    I think that you need to communicate to him that you are overwhelmed and stressed and you NEED his help.

    I think right now you are so stressed that you are just ready to throw in the towel and divorce him. Try communication with him.

    How does that sound?
    Rose2010's Avatar
    Rose2010 Posts: 15, Reputation: 7
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    #15

    Nov 3, 2010, 09:17 AM
    I don't have an answer, but I think knowing an outside perspective might help you to stand up to your husband. When I was married my husband and I both worked. Although I did more of the housework than he did, he had to do some minimal chores. Now that I am not working I feel responsible for all the chores and try to get them all done before he gets home. I think your husband should want to do more for his own self respect. I can't believe any man would let his wife mow the lawn when he isn't working! I come from a pretty old-fashioned up-bringing where any man, even just driving by, would stop and help a lady mow the lawn. Maybe your husband has stopped working because he has already lost all of his self respect. Maybe he is depressed and that is why he sleeps half of the day and escapes into a fantasy life of video games and internet. If so, then he has to get up, throw out his distractions from real life, and get to work (at home or outside home). That will not only help you and show your marriage respect, but it will also help him to stop feeling like such a loser.

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