[sadhubby]

Hi I am a 53 year old man married for 21 years with two sons 20 and 17,the 20 years old is in Iraq until sept. 09. Also my wife has had gastic bypass one year ago and loss over 100 pounds. Over the last few weeks she has ban me from the bedroom I am sleeping in the oldest sons room, she is never home anymore but to sleep says she needs time and space this is very hard for me I have tried everything at am at a dead end , we both agreed no divorce what can I do to win her back I am truly in love with her

[feelslikeimgone]

Hey sadhubby,

I thought I would reply as my cousin is going through a similar thing. I am younger but not so young that I can't be of possible help.
I think you should give your wife space, but don't allow her to call all of the shots. She may be looking for a bit of enthusiasm from you. So don't be pushed over, or at least try not to.
There is always a way to meet new people, groups or classes. Maybe to give her space you could join up. It would show that your not afraid to try new things and give a bit of exploration back into your life as you.
Help her to remember the past, have your wedding song on one day when she gets home. Surprise her. No matter how much a woman says she doesn't want to be surprised, she does inside. Spice up the romance if it has faded. Petals on the bed. Cook her favourite meal. Treat her to a massage and have one next to her.
The biggest thing is to always always be honest with each other. Be open and talk talk talk. Even it will hurt you I would advise her to sit you down and tell you what's happened and where it's gone wrong.
I'm sorry if I've said things that you have already tried.
I really hope you aren't a sad hubby for too long and it gets resolved.

[N0help4u]

You can't make her love you again and if you try it could ultimately push her further away.

[Jake2008]

If the two of you can both agree to no divorce, then there is hope. Good for you for not giving up and throwing in the towel after 21 years.

Gastric bypass surgery is a very long, complicated event in someone's life. Everything about you changes, not just your weight. You think differently about yourself, and how others react to you being drastically changed. You are a different person all the way around.

A friend of mine after this surgery is 160 lbs lighter than she was two years ago, and within a few pounds of being at her ideal weight. She is a totally different person. But, before she actually went for surgery she said the most interesting thing to me, and that was, "I'm afraid to lose myself."

I'm wondering if part of what you are going through now has to do with this major change in her life. While you may not love her differently, or any less regardless of the surgery, she may be struggling with all the changes, and naturally that will include how you perceive her.

Is it possible for you two to go to counselling to figure out what's going on, and how to deal with it? Maybe she would feel comfortable starting that way, with an impartial third party, instead of directly with you. Just taking a stab at it here, but it may be helpful.

If she needs her space, let her have it, but on the other hand, you can't let yourself be left out in the lurch, worrying, and not knowing what she's up to. If she is not willing to go to counselling, go yourself. Not only will you show her that you are serious about your marriage, but you are willing to do anything to make things right.

If she remains unwilling to address issues, attend counselling, and generally communicate with you, then you may eventually be forced to make decisions you'd rather not. Saying you do not want a divorce doesn't mean it won't happen, nor does it mean that things will instantly be better without a lot of hard work by both of you.

Good luck sadhubby; hope to hear from you that things are turning around for the better.

[I wish]

She agreed no divorce, so that means she's still willing to give it another shot. But she did ask for time and space. Respect her wishes, don't give her extra pressure.

Just be patient. Spend this time reflecting on how you treated her during the past 21 years. I'm sure your personality has something to do with it. Work on yourself while you're wait for her.

[Gemini54]

If you still love her, then let her know that you do. You don't have to fawn over her (petals on the bed might be a bit much) but perhaps you can do some of the things that you used to enjoy together. Get out of the house, see a movie, plan a trip together.

She's made some changes to herself, why don't you make some changes as well? Give yourself a bit of a makeover - nice haircut, some new clothes, perhaps a new hobby or interest so that you have something different to talk about.

By all means give her space, but remember it's still a marriage and you need to spend some time together as well.

[sadhubby]

Threads merged

I ask yesterday about my wife needing time and space after 21 years of marriage and have gotten several replies thanks, but she will not go anywhere with me or even tell me were she is going , she swears she has not and is not going to break any of our wedding vows. Says she is spending time with girl friends and I have to give her this time. (should I) or is this a losing battle? She has suffered with lupus for the last 15 years and I have always stood by her. She was at one time taking 17 pills a day including a steroid that caused weight gain but I never complained then she had gastric by pass to lose this weight, and has made a complete turn around in her health issues losing over 100 pounds. I think but am not sure that see steroid taking the steroid she needs to on a daily bases could this somehow be part of the problem. She won't tell me. I have been going to a steroid but she refuses to says I am the one with the problem (not true I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART) and I am not ready to give up. Seems like now she is feeling well and thin she don't need me anymore .
PLEASE HELP

[susangpyp]

If you stood by her when she was sick and overweight and now she's feeling fine and thin and the hell with you, have you told her how you feel?

You get what you put up with. Have you told her that her conduct is threatening your marriage? Spouses should know where the other is going. That's not too much to ask.

The question for you is how much you're willing to put up and how long.

[scott_1976]

If you have no clue what is going on than it sounds to me communication broke down long ago and you need to find a way to open the channel back up. Has she been unfaithful in the past?

[sadhubby]

Yes always

[scott_1976]

yes always

Yes she has cheated??

[sadhubby]

No

[scott_1976]

no

I would sit her down tell her your feelings and then give her the benefit of the doubt that she is not cheating. If things don't improve after expressing your feelings ask her if she will go to counseling with you. I hope you can work it out!:)

[Gemini54]

You need to talk. No way out of it. Take her out to dinner, tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels.

Also, as I said in the previous post - why don't you do something for yourself instead of stressing yourself silly? She's lost 100 lbs, why don't you make yourself look nice as well.

It may be that her change of weight has meant a change of heart, but you won't know until you talk to her.

Once you know, then you can decide what to do.

[sadhubby]

Relationships are not black and white she tended to live a single life prior to the weight loss and now you feel that she looks too good like 22 years ago and don't want people to look at her in a sexual way it makes you insecure. Communication existed to general things but you chose to exist as part of the furniture all these years, now you want to be part of her life and smother her and stop her from living a full life cause your not included. She is searching for happiness within her self. You should do the same thing.

[Holly23]

Maybe she just needs to feel attractive again.I don't think she's going to end the marriage.I personally think she just needs to get out and feel attractive...

[J_9]

Relationships are not black and white she tended to live a single life prior to the weight loss and now you feel that she looks too good like 22 years ago and dont want people to look at her in a sexual way it makes you insecure. Communication existed to general things but you chose to exist as part of the furniture all these years, now you want to be part of her life and smother her and stop her from living a full life cause your not included. She is searching for happiness within her self. You should do the same thing.

I'm confused here. Did you just answer your own question?

[sadhubby]

That's not true we always did things together

[Gemini54]

thats not true we always did things together

Er, what? I'm confused - who exactly is sadhubby?

[scott_1976]

What the?? This is getting strange??