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Mac647 · Apr 8, 2009, 09:20 PM

My name is "Mac647" and my wife and I have been married for 10 yrs now. The last 6 haven't been the best. She's says she's been unhappy and is done trying. She wants a divorce and has been "talking" to a friend/co-worker. She has told me recently that he has feelings for her and loves her and she said she feels the same for him. She says we are out of chances to fix this and wants to be happy and that's not with me and she has told me that this new guy may be "the one" and that Im not her soulmate. She has known him for about 2 years and has always been good friends with him. He has turned from talking to me to talk to him about everything even our problems. She has cheated in the past and I forgave her for it but never fully trusted her again. She started being funny with her phone, such as hiding it, sleeping with it under her pillow, he has sent her texts that say I love you but supposedly were meant for his wife(who by the way are getting a divorce too) and has asked her out to dinner to "talk". I at this point was living somewhere else due to her asking me to leave due to problems between us. She invited me back but I just found out today that she felt sorry for me but at that time realized she had feelings for the other guy. We are still married today but she has papers and she is already starting to date him and talking about moving in with him. Our 3 kids are my biggest worry cause I don't trust this guy and I think she is moving way too fast. I don't know what to do. Do I let her go or fight to get her back. Im confused.

MarkwithaK · Apr 8, 2009, 09:22 PM

Why would you want to keep her? She cheated in the past and is obviously doing so again. Divorce her and move on.

artlady · Apr 8, 2009, 09:33 PM

I am sorry to say this but it would seem there is nothing left to fight for.
She has made a decision and I don't believe that once love is gone it can be found again.

You can't make someone love you.Or fall in love with you again.That has always been my experience.

that say I love you but supposedly were meant for his wife(who by the way are getting a divorce too)

Then why is he sending her *I love you texts*,makes no sense at all.

I don't think she is moving too fast at all.I think this has been brewing for some time.

The two cheaters deserve each other and your most vital concern right now is healing from this horrible mess she has laid in your lap and insuring that your children deal with this break-up in the healthiest way possible.

Mac647 · Apr 8, 2009, 09:44 PM

Well, from what Ive been told by her(which I don't know If I believe or not) is that they were meant for his wife because they were trying to work things out but apparently didn't. She has gotten phone calls from his wife accusing them of cheating together which resulted in her changing her number. Now have they? I don't know, she swears up and down both sides they haven't (idk if I believe that either). But a lot of her pulling away has to do with my reactions to things too, I don't handle certain things very well. I have always had trust issues with basically everyone. To me everyone is out to hurt me. Ive been cheated on by every girlfriend Ive ever had. So I can see why she pulled away but then again isn't she suppose to talk to me about things anyway and not him?

artlady · Apr 8, 2009, 09:53 PM

Originally Posted by Mac647

Well, from what Ive been told by her(which i dont know If i believe or not) is that they were meant for his wife b/c they were trying to work things out but apparently didnt. She has gotten phone calls from his wife accusing them of cheating together which resulted in her changing her number. Now have they? I dont know, she swears up and down both sides they havent (idk if I believe that either). But a lot of her pulling away has to do with my reactions to things too, I dont handle certain things very well. I have always had trust issues with basically everyone. to me everyone is out to hurt me. Ive been cheated on by every gf Ive ever had. So I can see why she pulled away but then again isnt she suppose to talk to me about things anyway and not him?

Yes,ideally if you are having problems in your marriage you don't bring in another guy who might be the *one* to help you out. She just added fuel to the fire.

I can understand you having trust issues,her story rings false on too many levels.
If the wife knew,that is a pretty good indication that something more was happening than your wife admitted to.

You don't move in with someone who you have just had a casual friendship with.

I am confidant that they have been intimate.I would not believe anything she tells you.Clearly,she can't be trusted.

Call the wife, I bet she has proof of the affair.

Mac647 · Apr 8, 2009, 10:02 PM

See that's the thing, she said she had proof and I asked what it was. My wife said she just said that to scare him but she really didn't. More or less just texts that they send to each other about work, again supposedly. Now like I said I don't know if they have been together sexually because she said she has learned her leeson and will never do anything like that again or give any reason for me to take her kids away. I would never do that to her, but on the other hand I don't know if I should believe her, in the past few days she has been honest with me about something, especially telling me she has feeling for him and that she loves him. Now the other thing is that she is financially hurting right now too, bad, and she has talked to him about it and he proposed that she move in with him to help out. That's just wrong, move in with someone just to help out with the bills, stupid.

artlady · Apr 8, 2009, 10:07 PM

in the past few days she has been honest with me about something,

That is a classic ploy of a manipulator and a liar.Give them a little truth so they fall for the whole ball of yarn you are spinning.

I would not believe a thing she says,she is just protecting her own butt.
I would call the wife,see what she knows.
We women have a way of being super sleuths when our men are cheating.I bet she could tell you a thing or two.

I am sorry to be so discouraging and harsh but I think you need to face the reality that this marriage is over.

JoeCanada76 · Apr 8, 2009, 10:52 PM

Let her go. Get the divorce. Reason Spouse cheating.

Fight for your kids. You are worried about this other guy what about your wife?

RANA272 · Apr 8, 2009, 10:56 PM

Runaway fast from this relationship as it has no meaning to convence her for re thinking.better to part and be happy,you will find your real love if you wish

Jake2008 · Apr 9, 2009, 01:03 AM

I have to agree with everybody else.

Both your wife, and her boyfriend, are cheating on their spouses, no doubt about that.

There is nothing to save, and nothing to gain by grabbing at that carrot she dangles in front of your nose. The relationship is over, because she has told you it's over.

I think you should be seeing a lawyer for a separation agreement, and you need to ensure that your bank accounts aren't being emptied, and overdrafts aren't being maxed out. Cancel the credit cards.

Try to think in a practical way here, so that you have some control over your situation. Preserve and protect what you can now, and don't be fooled by a false sense of security because she tosses you the odd bone.

You deserve better, and the sooner you get moving to put your life together, the better off you'll be in the future.

Good luck to you.

Rich11111 · Apr 9, 2009, 04:13 AM

There is clearly no chance of a reconciliation here
Divorce her on the grounds of adultery, and keep a close watch on your finances, empty at least half of any joint bank accounts you have into a separate private account and cancel any credit cards that give her access to your accounts. Definitely make sure you have enough money, that she can't get access to, to get a good lawyer.

phoxphyer78 · Apr 9, 2009, 08:51 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I have to agree with everybody else.

Both your wife, and her boyfriend, are cheating on their spouses, no doubt about that.

There is nothing to save, and nothing to gain by grabbing at that carrot she dangles in front of your nose. The relationship is over, because she has told you it's over.

I think you should be seeing a lawyer for a separation agreement, and you need to ensure that your bank accounts aren't being emptied, and overdrafts aren't being maxed out. Cancel the credit cards.

Try to think in a practical way here, so that you have some control over your situation. Preserve and protect what you can now, and don't be fooled by a false sense of security because she tosses you the odd bone.

You deserve better, and the sooner you get moving to put your life together, the better off you'll be in the future.

Good luck to you.

Definitely Agree, it's time for you to be a little selfish and start thinking about yourself for once.

Mac647 · Apr 9, 2009, 09:51 AM

Thanks for all you advice, I greatly appreciate it. The only thing is that I don't have a bank account.. she is the only one who has one, I haven't worked in over a year and a half. Mainly due to we agreed that I could stay home and go to school, which I had to quit because we couldn't afford it, and it was financially better for us due to daycare. So my bank account went dry and she opened one, and just never put me on it, I should have seen that coming.
Anyway someone mentioned earlier that I should talk to his wife about the "proof", how do I go about getting her number, anyone know? I can't talk to him because she won't let me, I have no way of really getting his number and she keeps making the remark "you dont need to talk to him, your not my dad, he has nothing to do with this, we are getting divorced cause it was over a long time ago." I can't call their work and request his number, cause for 1 that's just a little weird and Im sure she's told everyone there not to give it to me, plus its probably against policy. So how do I get her number?

artlady · Apr 9, 2009, 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by Mac647

Thanks for all you advice, I greatly appreciate it. The only thing is that I dont have a bank account..she is the only one who has one, I havent worked in over a year and a half. Mainly due to we agreed that I could stay home and go to school, which i had to quit b/c we couldnt afford it, and it was financially better for us due to daycare. So my bank account went dry and she opened one, and just never put me on it, I shoulda seen that coming.
Anyway someone mentioned earlier that i should talk to his wife about the "proof", how do I go about getting her number, anyone know? I can't talk to him b/c she wont let me, I have no way of really getting his number and she keeps making the remark "you dont need to talk to him, your not my dad, he has nothing to do with this, we are getting divorced cause it was over a long time ago." I can't call their work and request his number, cause for 1 thats just a little weird and Im sure shes told everyone there not to give it to me, plus its probably against policy. So how do i get her number?

Look in her cell phone.I know snooping isn't cool but when you are up against a wall I think the ends justify the means.

Mac647 · Apr 9, 2009, 10:42 AM

That's going to be kind of hard to do, since she keeps it on her 24/7 and right now I live in another state due to her asking me to leave. Trust me if I had his number I would have called him a long time ago, as well as his wife, I actually should have done it when the accusations were being made, but for some reason I didn't, probably for fear of making her mad.
The other thing is that she had a list of all the phone numbers she had in her phone at one time when she got a new phone, does she still have it? She did before I left I know I saw it and put it on top of the fridge when cleaning up. Is it still there, probabaly not, but even if it is, if I asked for it she would make a big scene and I can't ask my kids to get the numbr for me cause that's just wrong, I don't want them in the middle, they are already heart broken by this.

workedtoohard · Apr 9, 2009, 11:37 AM

I was in a similar stituation, except I was pissed. Are you really ballless? She is a cheating, lying, game playing loser. Where is your anger? You never fight for someone because if they like you, you don't have to fight.

Mac647 · Apr 9, 2009, 09:13 PM

Yea, I will openly admit, that she has always had me whipped. I always pretty much gave her what she wanted, and yea at some point she took my "balls" away. But I had a really good friend tell me that the other night, he said and I quote"you need to regain your manhood and your balls, cause she has always worn the pants in this relationship" and I openly agreed that he was right. Believe me I am angry, not just what she is doing to me but my 3 kids too, she is hurting them just as much as she is me. Its just so hard to let go of her because she was my first true love and at one point we were happy. E have been through a lot together and she has supported me in a lot, now in the last 6 years or so we've had our good and bad just like everyone else but just her in the last year its gotten bad. Hince why I'm here.

talaniman · Apr 9, 2009, 09:24 PM

Enough of that pity stuff, take your balls back by cutting her out of your life, and being a good dad, that has a job, and gets child support, for his kids from his ex wife.

Handle your business, and leave the rest of that wimpy snooping alone, to late for that crap, and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You should be happy to get rid of the lying, cheating, beeyatch!

Mac647 · Apr 12, 2009, 09:37 PM

Update for you guys and gals. Apparently this is going to be WW3. Cause #1 I isn't backing down from this. Now she's trying to turn my kids against me by saying that Im going to take them away from her and telling them stuff and say the typical "dont tell dad" phrase. Well to me when you put the kids in the middle... Its on Chicka.
We were suppose to have dinner and talk about this like civilized people but she was being a uber and wanted it her way and when I didn't give in she immediately turned it down and got mad cause I didn't play her game. Now she will send me texts that say we can work on this together please talk to me, and I just ignore her. Then she will give me the silent treatment thinking I'm going to crack and text or call her... nope... I isn't doing it. Then what does she do?? She will text me "im sorry I got defensive and this that and the other we don't need to do this its hurting the kids, blah blah blah, typical BS. Well when I told her she'd be talking to my lawyer soon she immediately went into overdrive trying to get me to reconcile with her about this cause she openly admitted to having an affair. Stupid move... plus I have witnesses or I guess more or less confirmed sources. She's messed with the wrong guy, I am regaining my balls and not taking this lying down.

brokenpinata · Apr 17, 2009, 05:51 AM

I just went through this same thing last year, the only difference is we were married 5 years and only have one kid. My advice, get all evidence you can of her affair with this other guy. Phone records, online chat logs, witnesses, etc. It's dirty work, but it just might pay off in the divorce and custody battle.

In my case, my (ex)wife knew she didn't have a leg to stand on, especially after she moved out of state with the guy four days before Christmas, abandoning our daughter.

The result, she gave up everything and didn't even try to fight me for custody. I got the house, both cars, most of the big ticket possessions, the dog, primary custody of my daughter and her family (since they disowned her). I was even asked by her brother to be Best Man while she isn't even invited to the wedding. :p

I know the result of my situation is rather unique, but if I didn't have all of the chat logs and solid evidence of her affair, I wouldn't have fared so well. It never hurts to have too much evidence. And be sure to let the lawyer know that she's trying to turn the kids against you.

Good luck!