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orlycst · Dec 18, 2008, 07:59 PM

Hello,
In the last few years I've found many of my friends getting through nasty divorces and losing everything. I've been married for about two years, don't have kids, and I don't think I want them. I think I love my wife, but sometimes I feel suffocated in the relationship. Should I just get divorce before getting deeper into having kids, etc?

liz28 · Dec 18, 2008, 08:51 PM

You shouldn't have your marriage base on everyone else. All because their marriage didn't work it doesn't mean your won't last.

Marriage takes work and it only will last if the two people in it wants it to last and is willing to put in the work for it to last.

You seem unsure about a lot of things. You don't know if you want kids nor if you love your wife. How is everything going between you two? You only been married for two years and am thinking about leaving.

In life you never know what could happen but don't you want to stick around to see what could? I am getting married and I know plenty of people that get divorce but I also know that most of them got married for different reasons, other than love, and the relationship wasn't solid before they said "I do".

N0help4u · Dec 18, 2008, 08:51 PM

You can't base your relationship on what others do.
If you feel suffocated try and weigh why you feel that way
What you would be doing different if you weren't married and
Is it all that important to you that you would give up your marriage.

And/or

Count your blessing and
Communicate and discuss things with your wife
Work things out and put the spark back in your marriage.
Don't be a statistic for the divorce rate.

BlackVY · Dec 18, 2008, 09:01 PM

You think you love your wife?

Dude... be sure... Don't play with other people's lives and emotions...

It does take work... but you got to decide if you want it to work or not... don't just jump ship because your scared... be sure of what you want... because as far as I believe, marriage is forever, you made that choice... be 100% sure if you want a divorce or not... because once you leave, there is no coming back... it just won't be the same... Good luck...

orlycst · Dec 18, 2008, 10:47 PM

Originally Posted by BlackVY

You think you love your wife??

Dude... be sure... Don't play with other people's lives and emotions...

It does take work... but u gotta decide if you want it to work or not... don't just jump ship coz ur scared... be sure of what you want... coz as far as I believe, marriage is forever, you made that choice... be 100% sure if u want a divorce or not... coz once u leave, there is no coming back... it just won't be the same... Good luck...

First of all thanks for your answer,
Sure enough I can tell you I'm having problems with my wife but these problems come from a variety of issues. Case point, I just graduate after 13 years of long medical school. She would like to have kids (she's only 24) but I don't think she truly understand the responsibility of that, in fact, I believe she just want kids as a "solidification" of our relationship. At this point, I am wait too early on my career and my relationship with her to commit to do that but if she try to force it on me, divorce will be inevitable.

N0help4u · Dec 19, 2008, 07:27 AM

A. children do not solidify a relationship. There are MANY divorced single mothers.
B. divorcing because she wants children and you do not really is no reason to abandon the marriage.
C. I had FOUR kids and lived on less than $1,200. A month. It is not about how much you make but how you budget your money. Sure it is sacrifice but with your medical career it doesn't sound like having at least one kid would put too much of a financial cramp on you.
D. It seems like you are looking for outs instead of solutions so maybe it is inevidible that you will divorce no matter what so I agree with BlackVy it is not fair if you stay if you are not willing to work it out and make compromises. DO NOT have kids until you know you are over your doubts about being with her though.

I knew a guy that said he divorced because his wife wouldn't always have dinner ready at to a.m. when he got home from partying and she expected him to take the garbage out on garbage night. Pick your battles, compromise and don't look for outs if you hate it that bad just get out.

Jake2008 · Dec 19, 2008, 07:47 AM

Having been married for 32 years (I know, I'm the odd one out here), I can say that doubts about everything are normal. Especially the decision to have or not have kids. Everything is a compromise, and will come in its own time.

It took us six years of debate before we had children. Both of us had careers, and it is a huge decision. Maybe the biggest one you'll ever make.

I don't know too many couples who agree on everything. You are still in the honeymoon phase of your marriage, and it is far to early to be talking divorce!

Why base these thoughts and possible decisions about what might be i.e. the possible pressure to have kids, that you may not be ready for.

Marriage isn't a magic bullet that will guarantee problem-free lives. You can't avoid major conflicts. The key is solving them. To come up with a solution without first finding a way to solve problems and deal with them, isn't the way to go.

I agree that if there are problems that separate you emotionally and intellectually, and you have tried all possible methods of resolve (marriage counselling for one), then the very last resort would have to be divorce.

Try not to let these nagging doubts take over, and think long term. It may be difficult now, but may not be down the road a bit, once you two decide upon and agree upon, the major issues you mentioned.

I hope you find time to talk. To each other, a professional, whatever it takes. If you try your best, and you know that you are convinced you've done all you can, then it's time to think of getting out.

KBC · Dec 19, 2008, 08:05 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

B. divorcing because she wants children and you do not really is no reason to abandon the marriage.

This one brought an old idea back,when the woman purposely went without her birth control wanting kids,got the child and divorce shortly after.I would be cautious while dealing with the emotional needs of a women wanting kids,the mind might over ride sensibility,I know this has been an issue for others in the past.

N0help4u · Dec 19, 2008, 08:08 AM

Originally Posted by KBC

This one brought an old idea back,when the woman purposely went without her birth control wanting kids,got the child and divorce shortly after.I would be cautious while dealing with the emotional needs of a women wanting kids,the mind might over ride sensibility,I know this has been an issue for others in the past.

I was thinking of that too. Some women do that but hopefully she realizes this would only make things worse.

KBC · Dec 19, 2008, 08:33 AM

You know upon further thought,this would be exactly the situation,If in her shoes she sees the newly graduated doctor and the want/need for children,those kid(s) would be well cared for even after a divorce as his income would be at the least above what the uneducated or lesser fortunate would be.

Again caution and discretion being strongly advised.

N0help4u · Dec 19, 2008, 08:35 AM

Yeah he maybe should make sure he uses protections that he knows are there right then. Do not rely on her 'pill' alone.

orlycst · Dec 19, 2008, 11:05 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

A. children do not solidify a relationship. There are MANY divorced single mothers.
B. divorcing because she wants children and you do not really is no reason to abandon the marriage.
C. I had FOUR kids and lived on less than $1,200. a month. It is not about how much you make but how you budget your money. Sure it is sacrifice but with your medical career it doesn't sound like having at least one kid would put too much of a financial cramp on you.
D. It seems like you are looking for outs instead of solutions so maybe it is inevidible that you will divorce no matter what so I agree with BlackVy it is not fair if you stay if you are not willing to work it out and make compromises. DO NOT have kids until you know you are over your doubts about being with her though.

I knew a guy that said he divorced because his wife wouldn't always have dinner ready at 2 a.m. when he got home from partying and she expected him to take the garbage out on garbage night. Pick your battles, compromise and don't look for outs if you hate it that bad just get out.

I do love her, yes, I can say that but I'm far away ready for having kids, nor I think I will never have them. Kids are a beautiful thing indeed, but no for the reasons I've heard from her family and some others individuals: "someone will take care of you when you get older" that, to me, is being selfish and bringing someone to this world with a double intention. I recently talked to one of my friends whose teenagers just turned 19. He told me how his only son told him and his wife that they couldn't not count with him in the future because he had his own life and his own worries. My friend was devastated to hear this and although, said he, "I didn't have a kid to take care of me" is hard to hear those words from the son that you raised taking things away from you. I most said that knowing this peoples values and beliefs I don't know what went wrong.
Anyhow, kids, will not be a possibility for me and I will talk to her before June 09. If she agrees we could be very happy with two nice dogs, if she doesn't divorce is the only solution. IF SHE STOPS TAKING HER JAZ BIRTH CONTROL I WON'T CHASE HER AROUND, SHE WILL GET PREGNANT AND I WILL AUTOMATICALLY FILE DIVORCE, THEN WILL TAKE CARE OF MY CHILD THE BEST I CAN.

orlycst · Dec 19, 2008, 11:07 AM

Originally Posted by KBC

This one brought an old idea back,when the woman purposely went without her birth control wanting kids,got the child and divorce shortly after.I would be cautious while dealing with the emotional needs of a women wanting kids,the mind might over ride sensibility,I know this has been an issue for others in the past.

As I expressed before, if she decides to get pregnant behind my back I shall file divorce right after finding out. I will support her throughout pregnancy and take care of my child the best I can; however, I will not be forced into something I don't want.

KBC · Dec 19, 2008, 11:11 AM

I would caution you on getting that far into the child rearing on your own.

You have doubt about her(it seems) and you are leaning away from the marriage already,why would you want to have a constant reminder of the marriage beside you all the time,it would just bring back a bad relationship,and kids are permanent,the old no contact/you'll get over her soon,idea doesn't apply,the reminder is there all the time.

Think this through,use your friends as sounding boards and deal with this with a cool head.

orlycst · Dec 19, 2008, 11:12 AM

Originally Posted by KBC

You know upon further thought,this would be exactly the situation,If in her shoes she sees the newly graduated doctor and the want/need for children,those kid(s) would be well cared for even after a divorce as his income would be at the least above what the uneducated or lesser fortunate would be.

Again caution and discretion being strongly advised.

If she does such thing I shall file divorce right away. I too agree with you that some women just wait to find the right candidate to bite down and submit the person. I would like to share a life with her only if when I talk to her she agrees to say no to kids. I don't think that she is really ready for kids either, she has no desire to go back to school and do something with her life whatsoever, it's all like the little bird waiting for the mother with the mouth open. I don't think this is even healthy for her and I have talked to her about it many times. What else can I do?

N0help4u · Dec 19, 2008, 11:14 AM

You need to be up front with her that you do not want kids and let her decide if she can live with that or if SHE wants out of the relationship. You can always go for counseling if you want to try and work things out.
Life is full of what if's. What if you NEVER need your kids to take care of you? Not all people end up in ill health and needing nursing homes. You are looking at this from an entirely wrong perspective which in itself can be considered selfish to your wife AND any future kids you may be swearing off having. Many people will tell you that having kids is very rewarding.
As I said I have 4 and they are my angels. I worry about my son getting killed in Iraq but does it make me wish that I didn't have him? NOT at all.
You need to be up front and let her decide where she feels you should go from here.
Definitely no having children until this is all resolved. Use condoms and gels.

KBC · Dec 19, 2008, 11:21 AM

Originally Posted by orlycst

If she does such thing I shall file divorce right away. I too agree with you that some women just wait to find the right candidate to bite down and submit the person. I would like to share a life with her only if when I talk to her she agrees to say no to kids. I don't think that she is really ready for kids either, she has no desire to go back to school and do something with her life whatsoever, it's all like the little bird waiting for the mother with the mouth open. I don't think this is even healthy for her and I have talked to her about it many times. What else can I do?

Set a boundary and don't compromise until she sees things from your perspective,you are an intelligent man(your schooling/degree says that)Set a time and place where you can address the marriage issues and make it happen.

orlycst · Dec 19, 2008, 11:24 AM

God bless those with kids! Yes, they are a benediction I always hear; however, I don't think they are for me and even if they are for her I will, as a friend, recommend that she waited because:
1- She likes to sleep in long hours.
2- She has no desire at 24 y/o of going to school and do something with her life
3- She doesn't like to clean the house, most time when I come from work I have to do the dishes having a dishwasher at home and other amenities.
4- I have talked to her for over a year about all these problems and she change for a week, then she goes back to the old ways.

Let me tell you friends: a year of talking is telling me that I have tried of fix the little minors problems of our relationship. At this point (Not claiming myself a saint) all I do is working at the hospital and paying the bills, all she needs to do is what she chosen herself: housewife, but guess what, that isn't happening either.
Now, the questions remains: After a year of having this long talking and she promising that everything will change, I'm still with her not intending to file for no divorce.
SHOULD I HAVE KIDS? Be honest to yourself before your answering this.
Thanks you friends!

KBC · Dec 19, 2008, 11:28 AM

NO,you are to see what her problems might be first!

This sounds like a depression.

Has she ever been diagnosed by a professional as to her mental disposition?

I am sure you have contact with someone at the hospital who can help you to see this.

N0help4u · Dec 19, 2008, 11:29 AM

I see that maybe you should approach this different and tell her that you do not want kids and with the way she can not even deal with the little things how can she expect to take care of children. Put the ball back in her court that you have enough dealing with her without either one of you having to taking on more responsibilities. She needs to realize having kids is not going to fix anything.
But if the bottom line is you refuse to ever have kids then you still need to be upfront with her about that. It is not fair to her to go further in the relationship expecting to have kids with you and it ain't going to happen.