BTW, Get a Passion in your life.

It can't be her.
It has to be something else.
A Goal you are approaching... will ignite her passion for you.

Read the Book... it explains it in more details.

My wife and I have been through a lot with each other over the past 5 years we've been married. Probably married too young before we figured ourselves out. She had an affair a couple of years ago which took a lot out of me and changed me. We decided to work on it and did for about 9 months. I then learned my office was closing and had several opportunities elsewhere. I struggled with the idea of saying we tried, but it's not working out (it was working but there was still something missing), but literally that week we found out she was pregnant. Immediately I pushed those feelings down to make room for everything that one feels when they're learn they will be a parent. After our daughter was born, a lot resentment I had apparently built up came out in the manner of working late and not really stepping up to help and support her emotionally. Also, looking back my attitude changed toward my wife. Now, the present. We just got back from a trip where we were on the worst behavior imaginable for a married couple with a baby. I saw it and was horrified that we acted this way and really started to look at myself and get to the root of my problem (previously discussed).

I vowed to never let my daughter see that ugliness again, so I brought this up with my wife 3 days ago. We are both at a 50/50 point on whether to stay together for her but essentially be married "friends" as most of the problems we've had in the past have been the emotional/sexual connection. We both are of the opinion that if we divorce, it should be now since she is so young and it would have less affect on her in terms of emotionally scaring her if we were to stay together and divorce later. We also agree on pretty much everything in terms splitting things up and to a degree custody. She would keep her as sole physical custodian, but allow me to have as much visitation as I wanted. I agree to this, but only until a point, when she is older and would be able to spend more time with me (being 14 mo, she's still breast feeding and my wife is extremely attached to her so I'm talking 5-6 years down the road). This is where my wife refuses to budge. This is the part that is emotionally devastating for me as I want a relationship with my daughter and want my daughter to have a father in her everyday life not just weekends.

I truly want what's best for my daughter, but I know how life is and all the what if's come up like if they move, if I meet someone who takes time away from my daughter, if my wife meets someone who doesn't like me coming over everyday and everything in between. At this point, I am considering staying to be present if we can work it out, but I don't know if I'm being too selfish? This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with and it's killing me. Thanks for any advice

This post makes my heart ache BUT I think children sense a lot and adults don't realize it. Would you rather have your daughter raised by two unhappy people in an unhappy marriage or two presumably happy people who may or may not be in other happy relationships? My late husband was long divorced when I met him but his daughters said his divorce was relief because they were frightened by the anger and silence in their home. They were happier being raised by divorced parents and both parents remarried, happily.

It's a rough call. As far as what anyone likes or doesn't like you would have a Court Order which would specify how custody/visitation are to be handled and whether a new partner likes it or not, that would be how it is.

It sounds like you two have really discussed all the pros and cons of being apart, being together, together with your child to the inth degree. That's good that the two of you can really get into the logistics.

You know the old saying 'if you love them let them go'; it certainly applies here but not necessarily to let them go period. If you and she divorce, it certainly wouldn't see any purpose of you visiting every day, every other day, I don't think that is a good thing. Especially if your wife finds happiness with someone else, and she has you almost like a second spouse, around all the time. I don't think anyone can live like that. And, yes, I think you are being a little selfish in that line of thinking.

I hope you can work it out, get another chance at life and love; your new little one may do that and I hope it works out that way.

Tick

Have you two tried counseling?
Even if you do divorce, I think counseling will do you both good. There seems to be bitterness and anger there and it will spill over into the divorce and still affect the child.
Do the counseling, before you do anything.

I too think it comes down to a court order. It takes all question away and spells it out.

Children do better if they have both parents in their life if the parents are not fighting and causing stress.

For sure I would recommend counseling before divorce if for nothing else to help settle any other differences besides visitation. Advice from a professional never hurts.

Need to spread rep but am agreeing with all who have posted.

I wish you well and hope you find happiness

Before you throw it all away, try couples counseling to see if the marriage is worth saving.

If you do decide that you want to divorce, just remember that YOU are this baby's Dad and you both have a legal right to see each other. It doesn't matter what your wife wants, it's what's right for both you and your daughter.

Also, don't wait until your daughter is 5 or 6 years old to spend quality time with her. At 14 months old, your wife should be stopping nursing shortly. There would be no reason at all that you couldn't take your daughter for the weekend and have her take a bottle during that time.

Stand up for your rights!

Thank you all for your comments. We let things settle for a couple of weeks to decompress and see where we really are. It really hasn't made it any easier. She was ready to let go and to divorce me right then. Now we are more or less in a good place with each other after I was able to pinpoint my issues. There's still a lot of issues to work through to truly make each other happy, affection, emotional, sexual issues that I question if we can get rolling again. All my questions I try to ask myself come back to Divorce being the "easiest" and safest answer for happiness for both of us. I say that because I'm more inclined to think she would have issues again down the road if we stayed, which I don't think we want to go through again. I know it's my emotions pulling me to try and work on this and that's what is difficult. I just need to let this out some where, as my support system here is non existent. Thanks

Have you two done any counseling?

Staying together for the sake of the children rarely works. Especially for such a young child. All THREE of you are better off divorcing now.

But divorce is going to entail some sacrifice. As long as the mother is willing to be generous and flexible with visitation, I don't see a problem. Just make sure that the visitation plan is written into the divorce decree. Quality is better than quantity here. It would be better to spend a few weekends a month in quality time with your daughter then everyday just being there.

It sounds like you want a divorce. File for one.

Again, thanks. We have been to counseling in the past which helped and (unfortunately) she is in the mental health profession as well. I say unfortunately because she now doesn't see the necessity of counseling for herself. I don't argue with the fact that counseling would be helpful for me as I briefly mentioned prior, I don't have a support system here that I can lean on and until it is really a done deal, not ready to discuss this with family.

I am ready to sit down and finalize this decision with her tomorrow because I really can't stand being here knowing the way she feels and live any semblance of a normal, sane, productive life... Thanks again.

Your situation confuses me, I can only imagine how torn you must be with all that is on the table right now.

This really goes back to her affair. That you said you worked it through, and remained together, doesn't really answer the question of, you changed toward her, and, if I read you right, nothing has really mended all the troubles since then.

But for the fact that you were already thinking things weren't working out when you found out she was pregnant, changed everything. Now you were truly obligated to her, and to the life you have both brought into the world.

But having said that, having a baby, doesn't change the original change in you. And that was, things weren't working out, and forcing a truce, or trying to love somebody (again) after the betrayal, wasn't, or isn't going to happen.

You are essentially trying with the same result now, as you were, before she was pregnant. Nothing really has changed between you, and she seems all too quick to throw in the towel anyway. Because she is a counsellor of some sort, is a lame excuse not to have counselling herself. All the more so because of the fact that you have a baby's future to decide here.

Try to look at the whole picture, from when you changed toward her, to where you are now. You can't skip the parts that are unpleasant, or parts you haven't honestly accepted or moved on from emotionally.

If the baby were not in the picture, I doubt you would be together now if I read you right. As you said, as recently as a few weeks ago she was ready to divorce you right then and there.

You can't pick the good parts and simply make them better, while the rest of the history is tucked away somewhere. It is the entire package, the good, bad, indifferent, and ugly, that make up the relationship as it is now, and, understanding that will give you a better idea of what the future together would be.

With her so steadfast in her stance of divorce, no counselling, and generous visitation, and your position of wanting to try to work out your differences, remain together, and raise your daughter as a happy couple and family, doesn't add up. At least to me, on the outside.

Should you decide to split, be very careful to get legal advice, and hammer out the custody arrangements. That is really the only future event you can control. You have no control over who your wife decides to get involved with, and she has no control over you. The only common denominator here is establishing a fair settlement.

And to be the devils' advocate, have you considered a paternity test. I know you said she had one affair, and you remained together, but, how do you know she wasn't unfaithful again if she was so unhappy in the marriage. Food for thought.

Finally, don't be so hard on yourself. I get the impression that regardless of what happens between you and your wife, you are going to be a great father to your daughter, and that's really the bottom line.

My reason for suggesting counseling even if you divorce is so you two can work our whatever animosity is there and it does not spill over into the divorce effecting the settlement and custody.
When you go into a divorce with anger and drama it makes it harder to work things out.
Since there is a child in the picture you guys should be able to communicate without anger and hard feelings.
Get everything out in the open and then divorce on a clean slate.

I think you gain a lot more with some clear guidelines, and rules through the court, than just shaking hands, and agreeing because you never know what changes will happen in the future. I also will say you have to be a bit more flexible in your thinking as everyday is a little much and doesn't give either of you time to breathe and as another poster has pointed out, quality, over quantity time is the better path, and least stressful, as you yourself will need a lot of time to build your own life with friends and activities to look forward to, and help with adjusting to the changes in your life.

I can see that as a long term problem, lack of guidance, and support, as one of your problems with your marriage. Don't let that continue as isolation is not healthy at all.

Divorce is but a beginning for something new and different, and a happy parent, is a good parent.