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confussedgirl13 · Sep 1, 2011, 07:49 PM

I am very confused and don't know what to do I love my husband but I'm not completely happy with him. A year ago we separated for a few months but then decided to get back together and try to make things work. A few weeks ago he said nothing between us had changed, he's always questioning everything I do, I have to ask him for money (which I do work 40 hrs a week). He can spend money on things he wants but I can't. Then to make matters worse my first love contacted me about a week ago saying if I wanted to move to where he is now we could start over. Its been 12 yrs since I've seen my ex I don't know what I should do please any advice would be greatly appreciated!

odinn7 · Sep 1, 2011, 07:53 PM

If things are as bad between you and your husband as you say they are, then you are way better off without him. That being said, I am not saying you should leave him and jump to the other guy all in the same move. Leave the husband, live a little, get to re-know the ex and see how things work out there. You don't want to get out of one bad situation and right into possibly another.

confussedgirl13 · Sep 1, 2011, 08:00 PM

My ex and I have talked about if I were to move where he is he would help me get on my feet but I would have to get a job and a place of my own then he and I could date/get to know each other again. My husband and I don't have any kids so that would make it a little easier

odinn7 · Sep 1, 2011, 08:03 PM

I see. I mistakenly thought you were saying you would move in with him. What you're talking about makes more sense. Only you can really know if that is the right way to go. The first thing, and the most important thing here is to get away from that bum you're with now.

Good luck to you.

Alty · Sep 1, 2011, 08:11 PM

There's only one concern I have about your post, and I want you to be honest with yourself about it.

Are you considering leaving your husband because things really aren't fixable, and really are as bad as you think, or is it because your ex wants you back?

If you're truly unhappy, and things really are as bad as you say, then you should leave your husband, but don't make this decision because another man is waiting in the wings. Make this decision because you're truly not able to make your marriage work. Leave the ex out of the equation.

Is your decision the same if you do that?

odinn7 · Sep 1, 2011, 08:19 PM

Couldn't rep you... but wanted to say that is a good point. I had thought about that after I posted my last comment. Glad you mentioned it.

confussedgirl13 · Sep 1, 2011, 08:24 PM

Thank you so much for your input! My husband and I barely speak when I try to talk to him he ignores me when I try to hug or kiss him he pulls away. If I say anything about going out with my girlfriends he immediately thinks I'm screwing around. What scares me the most is if I do decide to move where my ex is its 2000 miles from where I am now, I have a job that would allow me to transfer there but I would be leaving a lot behind.

Alty · Sep 1, 2011, 08:49 PM

Originally Posted by confussedgirl13

Thank you so much for your input! My husband and I barely speak when I try to talk to him he ignores me when I try to hug or kiss him he pulls away. If I say anything about going out with my girlfriends he immediately thinks I'm screwing around. What scares me the most is if I do decide to move where my ex is its 2000 miles from where I am now, I have a job that would allow me to transfer there but I would be leaving alot behind.

No matter what you choose it won't be easy.

Have you considered maybe staying where you are, but filing for divorce, finding a place to live, and being on your own for a while?

I'm just really concerned that you're leaving one man just to be with another.

I think it would be best for you to have some time to yourself so you can really decide what's in your best interest, and not jump from one relationship to another, leaving everything behind.

confussedgirl13 · Sep 1, 2011, 09:03 PM

I have considered that and I do have options here. My family lives in a different state than me and I could always go back there. But my heart keeps telling me to go out where my ex is, not to jump into a relationship with him but to take things slow and see what happens.

Alty · Sep 1, 2011, 09:11 PM

Originally Posted by confussedgirl13

I have considered that and I do have options here. My family lives in a different state than me and I could always go back there. But my heart keeps telling me to go out where my ex is, not to jump into a relationship with him but to take things slow and see what happens.

Then follow your heart, just make sure you do take things slowly. Don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. ;)

Also realize that the divorce, and actually getting things done before you can leave, won't be an easy process, not physically or emotionally. Let yourself heal, because it will be hard, no matter how ready you are to leave.

Also realize that we're here if you need to talk. A lot of people on this site have been through what you're about to go through. I'm not one of them, but I do have a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen, if you need it. :)

confussedgirl13 · Sep 1, 2011, 09:13 PM

Thank you so much you have no idea how much that means to me!

Alty · Sep 1, 2011, 09:20 PM

Originally Posted by confussedgirl13

Thank you so much you have no idea how much that means to me!

You're very welcome. I have to say, you stumbled onto the best site I've ever been a part of. The people here are not only knowledgeable, but they're compassionate, and the best group of people I've never met. :)

That's what keeps me coming back. So welcome to the site. I hope you stick around. :)

confussedgirl13 · Sep 2, 2011, 05:38 AM

I was looking up things last night and stumbled on emotional abuse. The things I read is exactly how my husband treats me. He puts me down, cusses me out for no reason, he hides all the money from (as I said before I also work 40 hrs a week) to get any affection I have to give it first and now that's not good enough for him. So even by taking the ex out of the situation I still think its time to move on

Cat1864 · Sep 2, 2011, 09:06 AM

It sounds like you are probably making a wise choice to leave the marriage. However, before you make any concrete plans to move 2,000 miles away, contact a lawyer who is versed in the Divorce laws where you are and find out what your rights and responsibilities are in ending the marriage.

How did you work out your previous separation? Would it work this time as a way to begin dissolving your marriage?

talaniman · Sep 2, 2011, 03:12 PM

Leave the ex out of the equation for a while, as being dependent on him, while you see how things go, is as bad as being dependent on your unwanted husband. That didn't work out did it?