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    LonelyLover's Avatar
    LonelyLover Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    May 14, 2007, 03:52 PM
    Should I leave?
    My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years and we have a 2 1/2 year old boy and a 5 month old girl. When we first got together he asked me to go to las vegas to get married and I told him no because my family would be furious. I find out a few months ago that he was joking, that if I had said yes he would have found some way to get out of it. When I was 7months pregnant with our first baby he proposed to me in the hospital parking lot. I was very upset about a health issue I was having and I find out that he was lying about that too just to shut me up. This whole relationship he has talked to me like I am an idiot, and says that I do the same to him. He never hits me but sometimes I wonder if he is verbally abusive. I feel like I am a bad mother, he constantly tells me he is both mother and father to the kids and last year he said I should give him a mother's day card. This year he said mother's day by grabbing my crotch then hugging me.

    We broke up when I was 7 months pregnant and he started to see this girl within weeks of breaking up. We got back together when the baby was a few weeks old but we broke up again when she was 2 months old. I find out that he is talking to this other girl and still seeing her to this day even though we got back together on the 29th. He says he wants to break up with her but he has only talked to her on the phone, never in person and doesn't want to break up on the phone. Recently I snooped through his cell phone and he is talking about having sex with her. Not real seriously, she started the conversation and he just answered once, but I don't know what to think.

    I am not sure anymore that I even want to be with him anymore. We have never lived apart because of financial reasons and the initial reason we broke up is because he said that I needed to live alone for once in my life, which I never have. I admit that a lot of our problems are my fault because I have bi-polar and refused to get on medication while I was pregnant and didn't know how to pay for my medicine after wards. Every time that I asked him to understand he would tell me that it was my problem and I needed to deal with it on my own. The last year and a half I have been on medicine and trying to fix everything that I screwed up (I got the car repossessed, and I am thousands of dollars in debt) but I still feel as if he thinks everything is my fault.

    I want to go to counseling but he refuses. Right now he is in the middle of finals and when he is, it's like he's not there. He doesn't talk to me, doesn't acknowledge my existence and he is a bear to deal with. School is out tomorrow and I can't wait, but I wonder if it really is school making him treat me like this right now, or if it will continue even after school is out.

    I still love him so very very much, and I want to get married to him so much and spend my life with him, and own a home with him but I don't know if I should. I am very unhappy right now and it's mostly because of him. I don't know if I feel this way because of my bi-polar which makes me blame people for my problems, or if it really is him. I need help to understand my feelings and whether I should stay, or break up for the third and final time.
    burstbubble's Avatar
    burstbubble Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #2

    May 14, 2007, 05:32 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by LonelyLover
    My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years and we have a 2 1/2 year old boy and a 5 month old girl. When we first got together he asked me to go to las vegas to get married and I told him no because my family would be furious. I find out a few months ago that he was joking, that if I had said yes he would have found some way to get out of it. When I was 7months pregnant with our first baby he proposed to me in the hospital parking lot. I was very upset about a health issue I was having and I find out that he was lying about that too just to shut me up. This whole relationship he has talked to me like I am an idiot, and says that I do the same to him. He never hits me but sometimes I wonder if he is verbally abusive. I feel like I am a bad mother, he constantly tells me he is both mother and father to the kids and last year he said I should give him a mother's day card. This year he said mother's day by grabbing my crotch then hugging me.

    We broke up when I was 7 months pregnant and he started to see this girl within weeks of breaking up. We got back together when the baby was a few weeks old but we broke up again when she was 2 months old. I find out that he is talking to this other girl and still seeing her to this day even though we got back together on the 29th. He says he wants to break up with her but he has only talked to her on the phone, never in person and doesn't want to break up on the phone. Recently I snooped through his cell phone and he is talking about having sex with her. Not real seriously, she started the conversation and he just answered once, but I don't know what to think.

    I am not sure anymore that I even want to be with him anymore. We have never lived apart because of financial reasons and the initial reason we broke up is because he said that I needed to live alone for once in my life, which I never have. I admit that a lot of our problems are my fault because I have bi-polar and refused to get on medication while I was pregnant and didn't know how to pay for my medicine after wards. Every time that I asked him to understand he would tell me that it was my problem and I needed to deal with it on my own. The last year and a half I have been on medicine and trying to fix everything that I screwed up (I got the car repossessed, and I am thousands of dollars in debt) but I still feel as if he thinks everything is my fault.

    I want to go to counseling but he refuses. Right now he is in the middle of finals and when he is, it's like he's not there. He doesn't talk to me, doesn't acknowledge my existence and he is a bear to deal with. School is out tomorrow and I can't wait, but I wonder if it really is school making him treat me like this right now, or if it will continue even after school is out.

    I still love him so very very much, and I want to get married to him so much and spend my life with him, and own a home with him but I don't know if I should. I am very unhappy right now and it's mostly because of him. I don't know if I feel this way because of my bi-polar which makes me blame people for my problems, or if it really is him. I need help to understand my feelings and whether or not I should stay, or break up for the third and final time.
    Wow you really are going through a lot arnt you? Im from England but we can have medication on our health service so it is not as difficult for us. Im sorry to hear about this man, he seems to feel like he is the back bone of your relationship, juggling the children and school. With finals this is prob a stressful time for you both. Marriage does not really sound like a good idea at tis moment in time? Perhaps after finals sit down with him and say how you feel. Maybe councilling by yourself would be better as an alternative now to deal with your stress? Then tell him about it when you have been and then see how he feels about it? Bi polar is hard but this will make you smile I hope some famous artisits had ni polar and when treated lost their creative genius so it is not always such a negative aspect. The main important thing is your children. Where do they stand in all this? But if you are trully unhappy because of him and this is making feel down please do not stay with him. Perhaps it would be best for you to leave him and clear your head and live your own life. It seems he does have control over you and rationalises this with the idea that he is bith mother and the father figure.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,305, Reputation: 7692
    Expert
     
    #3

    May 15, 2007, 07:38 AM
    Well first school and finals can make you a bear, ( god help you when I am craming for exams and doing study.

    I would say that you need to demand that he goes to counseling, he is a abusive partner and is using his words to convince you thatyou have no worth, this is very common and to me worst than the physcial abuse, since at least it is obvious to everyone.

    If after all this time, he does not want to get married, if after all this time, he is not willing to go to counseling with you to work out the problems, you need to push this issues, since if he is ot committed, only wants you there to build him up, while he abuses you, this is no household to raise a child up in.

    Do yourself and your children a favor, he has not grown up, he is still a child, force him into counseling ( if he does not, leave him, and only go back after a few months of joint couseling) You need to do what is best for the children, and living with a man who will cheat, will abuse verbally their mother, is not a person to be trusted for any long term commitment.

    * opinion based on limited informaton given
    robbob's Avatar
    robbob Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #4

    May 15, 2007, 08:49 AM
    Girl run from this man he is disrepectful to you and your kids will grow up seeing this thinking it is right . Xes are xes for a reason .run fast find yourself and set your standards high find a better man the are out there
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
    Ultra Member
     
    #5

    May 15, 2007, 09:27 AM
    Sweety, when you are being abused verbally and emotionally you do not think clearly... you are in a battle with evil for your sanity... he uses your kids against you. Also I bet that you support him, does he work? You say you love and want to marry him. Make a list of what is loveable about him. 1. make a list of how he makes you feel. 2. how he shows you that he loves you. 3. how he shows that he loves your children 4. what he does good for them 5. what he does that is bad for them.6. Write down what he does or says to make you feel unloved. Does he help provide for the kids? Make a list and do it honestly only you have to see it... Don't ever let anyone tell you how you feel or what you are, that is up for you to decide. Give no one control over you. Act in the best interest of you and your kids. Then decide if he is worthy of you. Good Luck. Peace be with you
    mag oblivious's Avatar
    mag oblivious Posts: 22, Reputation: 4
    New Member
     
    #6

    Jun 30, 2007, 03:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by LonelyLover
    My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years and we have a 2 1/2 year old boy and a 5 month old girl. When we first got together he asked me to go to las vegas to get married and I told him no because my family would be furious. I find out a few months ago that he was joking, that if I had said yes he would have found some way to get out of it. When I was 7months pregnant with our first baby he proposed to me in the hospital parking lot. I was very upset about a health issue I was having and I find out that he was lying about that too just to shut me up. This whole relationship he has talked to me like I am an idiot, and says that I do the same to him. He never hits me but sometimes I wonder if he is verbally abusive. I feel like I am a bad mother, he constantly tells me he is both mother and father to the kids and last year he said I should give him a mother's day card. This year he said mother's day by grabbing my crotch then hugging me.

    We broke up when I was 7 months pregnant and he started to see this girl within weeks of breaking up. We got back together when the baby was a few weeks old but we broke up again when she was 2 months old. I find out that he is talking to this other girl and still seeing her to this day even though we got back together on the 29th. He says he wants to break up with her but he has only talked to her on the phone, never in person and doesn't want to break up on the phone. Recently I snooped through his cell phone and he is talking about having sex with her. Not real seriously, she started the conversation and he just answered once, but I don't know what to think.

    I am not sure anymore that I even want to be with him anymore. We have never lived apart because of financial reasons and the initial reason we broke up is because he said that I needed to live alone for once in my life, which I never have. I admit that a lot of our problems are my fault because I have bi-polar and refused to get on medication while I was pregnant and didn't know how to pay for my medicine after wards. Every time that I asked him to understand he would tell me that it was my problem and I needed to deal with it on my own. The last year and a half I have been on medicine and trying to fix everything that I screwed up (I got the car repossessed, and I am thousands of dollars in debt) but I still feel as if he thinks everything is my fault.

    I want to go to counseling but he refuses. Right now he is in the middle of finals and when he is, it's like he's not there. He doesn't talk to me, doesn't acknowledge my existence and he is a bear to deal with. School is out tomorrow and I can't wait, but I wonder if it really is school making him treat me like this right now, or if it will continue even after school is out.

    I still love him so very very much, and I want to get married to him so much and spend my life with him, and own a home with him but I don't know if I should. I am very unhappy right now and it's mostly because of him. I don't know if I feel this way because of my bi-polar which makes me blame people for my problems, or if it really is him. I need help to understand my feelings and whether or not I should stay, or break up for the third and final time.
    I think you both need some time apart. At least for a week anyway, so you both can think in peace. If you decide to break up, try not to make it too hard on the kids, it's not their fault, and they don't know any better. As far as the bi-polar goes, he's not helping you any by treating you like crap, and, to be honest, he's in love with the conveniece of you, not you.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
    Uber Member
     
    #7

    Jun 30, 2007, 06:53 AM
    It doesn't sound like you're in a position to have a relationship with anyone right at this point. You've got an illness that needs to be treated and brought under control and you've got a child to tend to. I think you have too much on your plate right now, You should explain this to him and then work out financial and visitation arrangements between the two of you for your child - through legal channels if necessary. Then work on getting yourself back on your feet before worrying about having a relationship with anybody.

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