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    chrisx3's Avatar
    chrisx3 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jul 22, 2019, 09:35 AM
    She still loves her dead boyfriend
    Recently, I found out that my wife of 3 years has been writing to her dead boyfriend on facebook. I found his former page and she writes things to him...like she loves him....misses his dearly....loves him....will always love him. When I go to her facebook page, I see a few pictures of us but overall when I check her pics, they are all pictures of him and her close and loving. I am crushed as I feel I'm just a 2nd in her life. She doesn't engage me in those embraces yet alone have any desire for me. We have a daughter I love with every being inside me and thought our marriage was good until this. I am thinking of telling her I want a separation. It just crushes me.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,087, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Jul 22, 2019, 12:13 PM
    How long has he been gone? I would love to hear her side, but barring that I can only ask if she had any help dealing with her grief which could decimate anyone. Maybe she still needs some help with that. I would hope through your own frustrations you see that and encourage her to get help.
    chrisx3's Avatar
    chrisx3 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jul 23, 2019, 07:51 AM
    I blew up about it last night. See assures me that she loves me yet I donít feel it or do I under it. I was furious as she denied the findings until I sent her snap shot of the writings. I think whatís even worse is that her friends support her writings with words and love. Yet her friends donít connect with me as they did her dead boyfriend. I am basically on an island by myself for why? This has broken my heart and donít know if it can be repaired. I had been married before but was left because the ex was still alive but feels like a repeat yet the dude is dead, I still feel as though I was cheated on because of her love for him. Saddened because we have a daughter and feel as though I will always be lied too as to coming in 2nd place.
    chrisx3's Avatar
    chrisx3 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Jul 23, 2019, 07:55 AM
    Oh and this has been going on for our entire time together. I was able to accept she still had memories and connections with his family (considered 3rd mom and dad). How he died- he was diabetic and found him dead on the floor of her bathroom the next morning. She was with him I think for 3-4 years. She leaves Rocks our in front of our house (new house- not one he died in) every year. Just has come to the point of really hurting me that I feel I canít grow to love her more...just heartbroken.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,087, Reputation: 10852
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    #5

    Jul 23, 2019, 09:19 AM
    Pretty obvious you cannot help her through her trauma, because of your own traumatic history that you bring to this marriage. Has couples counseling been discussed for a way to stop hurting each other? I don't see this working without a firm commitment to try from you both, because I see years of hard work ahead whether you get help, or separate.

    Two unhealthy people have little hope of a healthy relationship together let alone a healthy marriage, and sorry neither of you was that healthy emotionally to begin with. Is it too late to get better? NO, but that depends on how willing you BOTH are. Regardless of what happens between you next, please get healthy YOURSELF!

    Are you up for that?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,303, Reputation: 7691
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    #6

    Jul 23, 2019, 12:54 PM
    My first wife has been gone almost 30 years now. I still "talk" to her some evenings, I go out and sit, tell her about the kids, the grandkids she never saw and more. Death does not stop love, and should not. They are a memory and you can not fight it. It does not mean they can not and do not love the new person, but they may always have that love for the one they lost (and I think they should)
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
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    #7

    Jul 23, 2019, 04:36 PM
    She apparently has never grieved sufficiently over his death, and very possibly is in a state of denial. (Google the five stages of grief.)

    How about this? Rather than turn away from her, embrace her and her grief and her possible guilt. Allow her to work through this in positive ways. Take her to a garden nursery and help her pick out a young flowering bush or ornamental tree, then plant it in your yard or get permission to plant it in a park or forest preserve. Go together to grief counseling and/or find for her a grief support group. Let her talk about him with you. The grief counselor will have more ideas. This link will walk you through this and give you additional ideas -- https://www.wikihow.com/Get-over-the...meone-You-Love

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