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    Dentist288's Avatar
    Dentist288 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Feb 9, 2016, 09:30 PM
    Relationship with wife
    HI! I am from India. I am married for the last 8yrs. Have a son too. I have looked after all the responsibility as a husband, sacrificed a lot regarding my job and all so that my wife could carry on with hers. The only thing I dislike is her male friends giving her a hug. I have conveyed my disliking for this, but its continuing still. Everytime she tries giving stupid logics as to what can I do, he hugs everybody, sometimes she says I didn't anticipate the hug from some other person.

    I don't smoke, but once during drinks my friend offered me to take one puff. I did, my wife disapproved and its been 7 years I never touched cigarette. The thing is I have always pampered her, got her the best of the best stuff, but she doesn't seem to understand. Once a male friend of hers came to my house with his daughter alone, not his wife, giving reason that his 4 yrs old daughter loves playing with my son, but he was surprised to see me as he expected me to be out of station.

    A couple of times, I have seen her male colleague giving her a hug when I was not around but coincidentally I saw as I was coming to her office. First she refused about hug and later agreed as he hugs everybody. What can I do? Looking forward to your worldly advice.

    Thanks
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,108, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Feb 10, 2016, 03:56 AM
    Step back for a minute and examine why this bothers you. While I am sure you are a great husband and have sacrificed much and love your wife, I also feel she loves you and works very hard for you and your family also. So I wonder why you make such small things in the grand scheme of things larger than they need be?

    Hugging among friends, relatives and colleagues in public is a very common thing here in the US, as well as having friends of the opposite sex. So forgive me for not quite understanding why this is a big deal, because with me it's not (My own wife hugs EVERYBODY too.), and obviously your wife doesn't think so either.

    I can only ask again WHY this bothers you? Or is it just one friend or colleague? Even if you do not completely trust or like this fellow you must at least trust your wife to deal with him (Or any male) in her way and in her own time. Does that seem reasonable? Let me ask if you have any female friends, or colleagues? How does your wife treat them? Are you insecure or jealous? Had to ask because just as you dismiss your wife's "stupid" logic about her male friend(s) hugs, your own logic must be also examined so what is it?

    This keeps coming back to why this bothers you.
    Figure that out, and we arrive at a way to deal with it right? I would be very interested in your feedback and thoughts on that. Surely you can understand if you don't know why this is a big deal to you, then how can you expect your wife to understand why this is a big deal either.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #3

    Feb 10, 2016, 02:13 PM
    Hugging is many times nothing more than a form of greeting common in much if not most of the world (it certainly is in the USA and Europe). A greeting hug lasts at most a few seconds... if it lasted a few minutes... THEN you have something to worry about.

    Talaniman gave some very good points to consider. I see a lot of insecurity in you when you have not shown any clear reasons to be concerned or insecure.

    You need to ease up a bit because the more you try to control someone (this is what you are doing here in a way)... the more you end up pushing them away. And that is something true in all cultures. And as common as it is to oppress women in Islamic cultures...it does cause resentment with Muslim women just like it does American and European women as well.

    I only know a few Indian couples fairly well....and a brief hug upon meeting is normal with them as well, with or without the husband there. Guys would shake hands but the opposite sexes would go to shake and do a quick embrace with the other hand behind the shoulder or back of the other person. Not unlike here in the USA. In Europe the alternating cheek bump is usually added with everyone. Which I found quite awkward at first before I got used to it.

    There is a large difference in a greeting or going away hug from one that would be clearly inappropriate.

    You have to trust her implicitly or you will gradually build a wall between the two of you.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,292, Reputation: 2029
    Family & People Expert
     
    #4

    Feb 15, 2016, 07:04 PM
    The other two posters already covered all the bases. So I am just writing to confirm what has been said.

    What is it exactly that bothers you about her hugging?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Apr 4, 2016, 03:03 PM
    Lightfingers, I rarely argue with anyone in a post about relationships, but this time I am: your advice is terrible!

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