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    sandybk's Avatar
    sandybk Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 14, 2010, 05:42 PM
    Recently found out after 22 years, husband had affair with best friend's wife.
    Hi All -

    I've been married for 19 years, together for 22. He was 29 and I was 26 when we got together. Last year in the basement I stumbled upon my husband's old journals in an old gym bag. I pulled out a envelope with pictures of my husband and his best friend's wife (who were separated at the time) with whom he had an affair with about a year prior to meeting me. He had journals describing in great detail their physical relationship/poems written for her, etc. They only saw each other 4-5x in a 9 month period as they lived in other states. I was shocked he would do that to his friend, but he was young (27) and we all do things we regret later. As well, married people don't necessarily share everything about their past. It was before me and it was something he says he is deeply ashamed of.

    Anyway, back to the pictures. They are pictures of a weekend tryst in San Francisco. Mostly pictures of them in various touristy places in SF. There were also 2 pictures sexy pictures of her in a "teddie" laying on the unmade bed in the hotel.

    I guess my question is... why would a guy keep pictures/journals about a relationship he states wished never happened and makes him sick to his stomach when he thinks of it (he lost a very good friend as a result of this). My husband said when going through junk he looked at them a handful of times since we have been together. Said he did not know why he kept them.

    Any insight would be appreciated. Just trying to understand how a man's mind works. Had it been me, everything would have been thrown out years ago.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #2

    May 14, 2010, 06:47 PM

    Did he/does he look at the pictures or were they (hopefully) in a dusty drawer somewhere, forgotten?

    Did you ask him why he kept them? What did he say?
    sandybk's Avatar
    sandybk Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    May 14, 2010, 07:48 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    Did he/does he look at the pictures or were they (hopefully) in a dusty drawer somewhere, forgotten?

    Did you ask him why he kept them? What did he say?

    They were in an old gym bag downstairs with a lot of other clutter, other old pictures, cards and such. According to him, he knew they were there and had looked at them a handful of times since we have been together. At the time he looked at them he said he thought about throwing them away, but just shoved them back in the bag.

    When asked why he kept them he initially said he didn't know, then after thinking a bit said he has a hard time getting rid of stuff like that (i.e. he doesn't have a lot of pictures of himself from that time of his life/it was the one and only time he had been to S. Francisco and it was a good time)
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #4

    May 14, 2010, 08:25 PM
    I don't think it's such a big deal. He wasn't hiding the pictures, and the history of the people involved at the time has long ago been dealt with.

    The relationship probably had some good memories for him let's face it. Even if it was a crazy, living on the edge, being a bad boy, going for it sort of way. Like you said, most of us have done things we regret.

    It really only matters that as long as the history of that short time is safely tucked away in an old gym bag, why bother about it. If he comes across them while looking for his hockey tape, and it puts a smile on his face, no big deal.

    My husband still has a picture of a girl he dated when he played football in California. Even though it was so long ago, it was a part of his life then, a very important part, and she meant something to him, even though it only lasted as long as the season.

    I would just let it go and not mention it again.
    Devorameira's Avatar
    Devorameira Posts: 2,461, Reputation: 981
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    #5

    May 15, 2010, 04:12 AM

    I think Jake2008 is right.

    We all hang onto things from the past that doesn't always make sense.

    It's just old pictures in an old gym bag. Since he isn't carrying them in his wallet or isn't looking at them daily, I would just not worry about it and let him keep his old memories.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #6

    May 15, 2010, 05:47 AM

    Hmm - I got rid of everything. I regret doing it.
    jmjoseph's Avatar
    jmjoseph Posts: 2,727, Reputation: 1244
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    #7

    May 15, 2010, 06:49 AM

    I don't think it's a big deal.

    I have a bad habit of hanging on to things. Most guys do.

    Even though he says that he regrets doing this, he must have enjoyed HER. And her teddie.

    He lost a friend because he lost the battle of "lust and attraction". Maybe these pictures and notes remind him so that he doesn't do that again.

    If it bothers you, he should be more than willing to throw them away.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    May 15, 2010, 08:32 AM

    If he has no clue why he kept them, then no one does. The real question is what's to be done with the pictures now.
    Shadowburn's Avatar
    Shadowburn Posts: 249, Reputation: 179
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    #9

    May 15, 2010, 01:52 PM

    I don't think it's a big deal either. He may have even forgotten they are there. I hate to throw away things myself - doesn't men that boyfriend of 10 years ago means anything to me now. Tell him you don't want those pictures in the house, and let him do whatever he wants with them (he'd probably pitch them).
    sandybk's Avatar
    sandybk Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    May 15, 2010, 04:36 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    I don't think it's such a big deal. He wasn't hiding the pictures, and the history of the people involved at the time has long ago been dealt with.

    The relationship probably had some good memories for him let's face it. Even if it was a crazy, living on the edge, being a bad boy, going for it sort of way. Like you said, most of us have done things we regret.

    It really only matters that as long as the history of that short time period is safely tucked away in an old gym bag, why bother about it. If he comes across them while looking for his hockey tape, and it puts a smile on his face, no big deal.

    My husband still has a picture of a girl he dated when he played football in California. Even though it was so long ago, it was a part of his life then, a very important part, and she meant something to him, even though it only lasted as long as the season.

    I would just let it go and not mention it again.

    Well, actually he was hiding the pictures along with the journals. We've been together for 22 years and this was the first I have ever heard of this woman/affair. For a while made me look at him in a different light and I was quite upset about it (my husband is one of the good guys and the thought of him having an affair with his best friend's wife was disturbing to me). Actually, I don't really care about the pictures that much. Have to admit the one in the bedroom made me feel kind of crummy... crazy things go through your head... did he keep it because he was pining for her (finding about this along with being menopausal isn't a good combination LOL)
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #11

    May 15, 2010, 04:43 PM

    Well, the best friend and "the wife" were legally separated at the time; it's a long time ago; has he ever given you reason to doubt him in the years you've been together?

    Everyone has a history. If you asked him specifically about his history and he lied, I'd be unhappy. Otherwise - it's in the past and I don't know that (other than shocking you) it's really any of your business.

    If you HAD known would you have walked away from him all those years ago?

    I'm an investigator - I've done a fair number of matrimonial surveillances. I hate them - I've seen people, both men and women, allow suspicions of what might have happened or did happen years ago poison their relationship. I see a LOT of this after school reunions when one spouse or the other gets threatened about what happened years ago.
    sandybk's Avatar
    sandybk Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    May 15, 2010, 04:54 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    Hmm - I got rid of everything. I regret doing it.
    Why do you regret it?

    Quote Originally Posted by jmjoseph View Post
    I don't think it's a big deal.

    I have a bad habit of hanging on to things. Most guys do.

    Even though he says that he regrets doing this, he must have enjoyed HER. And her teddie.

    He lost a friend because he lost the battle of "lust and attraction". Maybe these pictures and notes remind him so that he doesn't do that again.

    If it bothers you, he should be more than willing to throw them away.

    LOL it must be a guy thing. I remember when we first met. He had a pic stuffed in his wallet of a gal he had a crush on, but never dated, hen he worked at a department store 4 years prior; he just forgot about it. We had a good laugh about that one.

    I hope he doesn't do it again... we are celebrating our 20 wedding anniversary this year :-O

    Yeah, I suppose he regrets getting caught or the aftermath of the affair, but doesn't regret the relationship per se.

    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    Well, the best friend and "the wife" were legally separated at the time; it's a long time ago; has he ever given you reason to doubt him in the years you've been together?

    Well, yeah. We had 3 children in 2 years (singleton and twins). There was a period where we just were not connecting. I caught him on an adult friend finder site "looking for something he was not getting at home". I was devastated. That was in 2006 and it happened again in 2007. He says he knew he would never really go through with it and I know nothing happened. After the 2nd time he went to counselling for this.

    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    Everyone has a history. If you asked him specifically about his history and he lied, I'd be unhappy. Otherwise - it's in the past and I don't know that (other than shocking you) it's really any of your business.

    When we first got together, sure we talked about our past relationship histories. Well, yeah, I guess he did lie about it... a week after our first sexual activity I was diagnosed with Chlamydia (and had not been with anyone for 4-5 months). At the time he told me his last relationship had been with someone who was a temp at work and it was pretty much just a sexual one (in reality it was the affair I spoke of above).

    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    If you HAD known would you have walked away from him all those years ago?.
    That's the crazy thing. He said he did not tell me about it when we first met because he "didn't want to lose me." What he didn't know is I was so crazy in love with him it would not have mattered, but I get where he is coming from... he did not want me to think he was a jerk that would have an affair with his best friend's wife (after he told the friend he would not see her again).
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #13

    May 16, 2010, 08:14 AM
    sandybk agrees : Why do you regret doing it?


    You can simply add your answer - I wouldn't have seen it if someone hadn't told me this was posted as an agree on my profile (although I DO appreciate the agree!)

    I regret it because certain people are part of my past, shaped me to who I am, where I've been, where I am today.

    Many memories were good. There were people I loved, people who loved me, sometimes we loved each other at the same time - and I would love to look at the photos and remember.

    When my husband died I went through days of throwing out everything and days of doing nothing and I regret throwing out some things that would be reminders of our happy times together.

    Of course, I have remarried and my husband isn't jealous or uncertain - if he asks about something, I tell him about it, so that's not an issue.

    The same with him - I don't ask because I don't care. I know who he is today and that's what matters to me.

    Do you understand what I am trying to say? (I hope so because I think I just confused myself.)
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #14

    May 16, 2010, 06:49 PM

    Well, I'm a guy and I keep stuff, just because it is stuff. I have birthday cards from the mid sixties still in my top dresser drawer.

    I don't have a problem with my Lady reading any of the e-mails I send or receive. Nor is it a problem for me if she opens my mail or looks in my wallet.

    Although looking in my wallet can be a hit to my financial situation. Just two weeks ago she asked if I had $20. I told her to check my wallet. She found and confiscated $200 +/-. In truth, the money was meant for her but I just forgot to give it to her. "Dirty Words!."

    Truthfully, were I you, I would be very skeptical of our husband's responses.

    They sound an awful lot like some of the lame excuses that I've tried to slide by my Lady.

    None of which have to do marital affairs or premarital partners.

    We went from diapers to married. We were 18 when we shared our vows.

    When I try to slip something stupid past Bon, I either get the, "Just how stupid do you think I am look" or worse a direct confrontation. I really don't know which is worse.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #15

    May 17, 2010, 07:04 AM

    Hmm - his past history would concern me (checking the Internet, specifically). I don't think that's in the same category as having photos of a woman from X years ago. Sounds like he DOESN'T want to lose you so he tells a version of a "story" which he thinks you will buy.

    Again - hmm.

    I'd ask him to get rid of the photos from all those years ago and see what his response is.

    Sort of on the same page - my late husband had a file cabinet which we moved from his condo to our house, never opened it. About 2 years later we decided to shred his old tax returns (which were in the cabinet) and low and behold! Photos! I certainly knew he had dated other women but as I said - Photos!

    I asked him why he saved them. He didn't really know - and then he shredded them along with his tax returns.

    (Love the way you explain things, by the way. Entertaining, informative - nice way about you.)
    sandybk's Avatar
    sandybk Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    May 17, 2010, 03:24 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    I regret it because certain people are part of my past, shaped me to who I am, where I've been, where I am today.

    Many memories were good. There were people I loved, people who loved me, sometimes we loved each other at the same time - and I would love to look at the photos and remember.

    When my husband died I went through days of throwing out everything and days of doing nothing and I regret throwing out some things that would be reminders of our happy times together.

    After your hb died, what made you decide to throw so much out? I guess if it had been a nasty divorce, well I get it ;-O
    sandybk's Avatar
    sandybk Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    May 17, 2010, 03:43 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by donf View Post
    Well, I'm a guy and I keep stuff, just because it is stuff. I have birthday cards from the mid sixties still in my top dresser drawer.

    Truthfully, were I you, I would be very skeptical of our husband's responses.

    They sound an awful lot like some of the lame excuses that I've tried to slide by my Lady.

    None of which have to do marital affairs or premarital partners.

    We went from diapers to married. We were 18 when we shared our vows.

    When I try to slip something stupid past Bon, I either get the, "Just how stupid do you think I am look" or worse a direct confrontation. I really don't know which is worse.

    I do have a hard time believing the response of "I don't know why I kept the stuff." Heck I've even told him you might as well be honest, because any reasons I might imagine could be far worse than the truth. This is someone I pretty much trusted 100% until the internet episodes. Now I occasionally wonder about work trips he took during the time we were not getting along great, etc. but there isn't much I can do but hope he is being truthful.

    Basically, mentally I do not want to go through this type of pain again. Just when I was getting past the internet stuff this old affair came up. Not long after I was learning of the affair, his high school sweetheart friended him on Facebook (dated over 2 years/lost virginity to each other). It was not a big deal at first as he showed me the convos, but as time went on it seemed like she wanted something more... lengthy e-mails, she'd email if she had not heard from him in a couple of days, wanted to come see his band. It was strange.
    sandybk's Avatar
    sandybk Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    May 17, 2010, 03:55 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    Hmm - his past history would concern me (checking the Internet, specifically). I don't think that's in the same category as having photos of a woman from X years ago. Sounds like he DOESN'T want to lose you so he tells a version of a "story" which he thinks you will buy.

    Again - hmm.
    Yes, the internet stuff did bother me. He states he did learn from counselling that cheating could bring on temporary satisfaction, but wouldn't ever solve problems going on in the primary relationship (and he would just feel worse in the long run if he did pursue that route). Instead we started being nicer to each other, taking time away from the kids, reading books about how to spice up our love life (LOL), etc.

    So why tell a different "version" of a story? Now that you mention it, I think he has done this in other instances when I think back about stories from the past he has told me... cleaned up to a PG rather than an R rating :-O
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #19

    May 17, 2010, 03:55 PM

    Business trips, ah they were always fun. He should share them with you!

    Early on in my IBM career there were some trips I took that were miserable. As my salary climbed, I was able to afford to take my Lady with me. I went to work and she did that nasty awful thing women folk do, SHOP!

    When I got back to the hotel, we went out for dinner and toured whatever town we were in.

    The best trip we suffered through was to San Francisco. I was told on a Thursday that I was going to San Francisco on Friday evening. I had to fly first class because of ticket availability. The airport was running a "Companion fare sale" So Bon got to go round trip to San Francisco for the total air fare of $6.

    I was told I was to work through the weekend and be back by Monday. Nobody told the customer because he took off until Tuesday. So there we were in San Francisco on Fisherman's Warf for 4 days. Let's see, there were Wine Country Tours. Restaurant suggestions from friends at work. Tours to Carmel. All I had to pay for was Bon's meals and 1/2 of the room costs. What a deal!


    Good things usually happen when my Lady and I travel together and my behavior is always the same as it is when I'm home. Actually wherever my Lady is home for me.
    sandybk's Avatar
    sandybk Posts: 19, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    May 17, 2010, 04:05 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    I'd ask him to get rid of the photos from all those years ago and see what his response is.

    Sort of on the same page - my late husband had a file cabinet which we moved from his condo to our house, never opened it. About 2 years later we decided to shred his old tax returns (which were in the cabinet) and low and behold! Photos! I certainly knew he had dated other women but as I said - Photos!

    I asked him why he saved them. He didn't really know - and then he shredded them along with his tax returns.

    (Love the way you explain things, by the way. Entertaining, informative - nice way about you.)
    Was your late hb from European descent?. (sounds like mine, i.e. "I don't know") LOL I've seen pictures of my hb and his other GFs and it does not bother me; the secrecy behind this makes it seem like there is more to it, even though there probably isn't. Realistically, it was sooo long ago I shouldn't even care.

    As far as the pic. I never asked him to get rid of them. He knew I was not happy about them and I just figured he would do it himself and throw the pic/journals/poems away. He never did. After a couple of months I just got sick of waiting and shredded the pictures. Very childish, I know, I know... and I regret doing that. The day after I told him I was sorry... those were his to do what he wanted with. He didn't seem to care.

    (thank you for considering my posts entertaining :) LOL

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