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    momma5's Avatar
    momma5 Posts: 134, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 4, 2017, 05:41 AM
    Is it really as bad as I see it?
    Me and my husband have been going through our fair share of stress due to a previous job. On top of that, he came out to me as bisexual about 3 years ago, and I've tried to remain supportive. He wanted to explore this side of himself, and I had no issue with it at long as it didn't interfere with our marriage. Now it has. All he can think about and focus on is this . And when things or plans would fall through, it would be my fault. My fault because I didn't help him enough, or I wasn't supportive enough. Now he's decided "he'll just change for our marriage". He won't think about his 'wants' or 'needs' anymore, and since I refuse to change, he'll change instead. He is now withholding sex, refuses to talk to me, if he does, again this is all my fault that he's this way, I should've just let him experience things. I'm lost as to what to do. He was previously married and while being bisexual was never brought up, he along with he previous wife had an open relationship to an extent. Basically they cheated on each other and the other would get back at the other and cheat even more. I'm sorry but that's not okay. Help please.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #2

    Jan 4, 2017, 08:27 AM
    Unreal. Selfish. And thinking only of himself. If I was in your shoes I would give Mr. Confused his freedom to explore whatever he wants to explore. I wouldn't tolerate an open relationship regardless of what sex he wants to be open with. He is thinking of himself and only himself. Plus in an open relationship your chances of getting an STD are increased. I would not tolerate this amount of unselfishness. Just my opinion...
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #3

    Jan 4, 2017, 08:29 AM
    Hi,

    Your husband came out as bisexual and that is awesome!

    There are a few questions I have:
    1). How would exploring a person's bisexuality NOT interfere with your marriage? As I read it, he is wanting to explore love/romance/sexuality with males as well as keeping status quo with you, his wife.
    2). Does he understand that he is still checked in and part of your marriage and that it isn't all about this? I understand that this is new and great for him, but there are bigger more important issues then him exploring his sexuality.
    3). Hoe did the plans fall through? How did you not help him enough?
    4). Is he always Passive Aggressive and petty?
    5). How did you stop letting him experience things?
    6). Is your marriage open? Are you strictly Monogamous? Or monogamish? Hav


    What I am seeing here is a huge lack of communication. I don't think that either of you set boundaries or expectations for his explorations. What are his expectations? Is he going to go look on Craigslist or Grindr for a Leather Daddy for a series of meaningless trysts? Is he going to look for another partner? How involved are you? Are you expected to join in? Is this couple going to turn into a threesome?

    I think you need to figure out what is going down before things get out of control.

    As a side note, your husband is being very childish and very petty. He also needs to understand that with marrying you it signified a commitment to YOU. When someone who is bisexual marries someone else, it doesn't mean that they've still got the right to play the other side of the field. Many Bisexual will be monogamous with the person they marry, even though they're still attracted to the sex opposite of their partner. He needs to put on his big boy underpants and realize that he might not get all that he wants or expects. Being bisexual in a relationship doesn't entitle him to diddle around with someone else.

    What do you do? Talk to him. Hammer out a framework on how your relationship is going to work. It has to be a Mature Adult conversation. I would also start preparing an exit strategy. He might be great but this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. You need to protect yourself and your family.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #4

    Jan 4, 2017, 09:23 AM
    You have 3 children from different marriages, right? And they all are going through tough times, 2 girls with a bio mother who lives nearby but can't be bothered to be part of their lives, and an autistic son. Their good home and parenting is first. Your husband is being.... words can't describe how selfish he's being.
    momma5's Avatar
    momma5 Posts: 134, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jan 4, 2017, 09:25 AM
    I appreciate your answers. My main boundary or rule, so to speak, was that if it interfered in our marriage, I wouldn't be okay with his extra stuff. Maybe I messed up by being supportive of him throughout all this? I just feel lost. All we have done since I put my foot down on everything, is fight. It was my fault everything went to , yet "he'll take the blame for the sake of our marriage". I've never cheated on him, at all. However years ago, he did mess around with a man, didn't tell me until after the fact, and I forgave him. Never brought it up again. I'm just hurt that he's being this way. I walk on egg shells with him. He says I make him real like a freak now because I know he's bisexual but won't let him do anything...

    I have 5 kids altogether, my 3 biological Children, autistic son included, and my 2 adopted daughters... His biological daughters.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #6

    Jan 4, 2017, 09:41 AM
    He's a freak because he doesn't care about your needs and it doesn't sound like this is a new behavior for him. Why should you have to be the one that walks on eggshells? He's the unfaithful one NO MATTER WHAT SEX. He's the one thinking only of himself NO MATTER WHAT SEX. This isn't about his choices. It's about a marriage where he agreed to be faithful and a bunch of other stuff that isn't happening. I would so give him walking papers.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #7

    Jan 4, 2017, 09:43 AM
    Someone did a study of husbands who are breadwinners. Turns out that their biggest concern isn't sex and attractiveness, it's bringing home the bacon. If they don't make enough, hate their job, or lose their job, they tend to fall apart in man-type ways. Your husband's petty and petulant behavior might be covering up all that. Is it possible to help him find new work, and bolster his ego with how good he is at any job he has ever done (even if not true)? Maybe you both need a distraction from the bi wanderings.
    momma5's Avatar
    momma5 Posts: 134, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jan 4, 2017, 10:09 AM
    I don't want to give up but I'm to the point I don't know what else to do.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #9

    Jan 4, 2017, 10:46 AM
    It may be time to ask him if he is looking for a way out of the marriage. Does he want the marriage to continue or is he still in it because he is afraid of losing custody.

    If he wants the marriage succeed, then Marriage Counseling may be a way of working through the issues.

    I will honestly say that I think he will escalate his behavior until you walk out. It seems that he wants you to be the 'bad guy' in the eyes of the outside world so he can keep all the marbles.
    momma5's Avatar
    momma5 Posts: 134, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Jan 4, 2017, 11:00 AM
    I agree there. I think he thought that he comes out of the closet so to speak, than it would give him a free pass because he isn't cheating on me with another woman. I'm so torn on what to do though. He's becoming very narcisstic...
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #11

    Jan 4, 2017, 11:32 AM
    Momma5 I did a similar thing to my wife while we were married. But we were married so there was no thought of being unfaithful. We did end up getting divorced but we are still friends to this day.

    You deserve more than this in a relationship. He wants other things that you can not give him. It makes me wonder if his passed infidelity incident was his only unfaithful moment. Although in my mind that's water under the bridge at this point.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #12

    Jan 4, 2017, 12:04 PM
    "Is it really as bad as I see it?"

    NO!! It is but the latest challenge in this 6(?) year marriage. There have already been many, and will be many more. You are just caught up in the emotional frustration that this current one has got you in. This is not that unusual when you accept you are in the middle of this storm, and have to wait for it to end, specifically until this husband catches up with and deals with his own emotional turmoil. Unfortunately that won't happen until he takes responsibility, and owns his own words and action AND REACTIONS!

    I think your best action is step back and let him rant and rave and enjoy his hissy fit. Then maybe you both can deal with him exploring his bisexuality, what ever the hell that really means. I suspect this is all about you giving him permission to have a dude to explore with, and like any manipulative child's antics, you ignore him and don't feed his wishes.

    Stay firm, and defend YOUR boundaries of good behavior for this marriage. Eventually you talk, resolve the current issues, and move forward stronger for having weathered yet ANOTHER crisis together, or it tears you apart. That makes the real question how will you weather THIS storm? Its simple if not an easy task, but just don't make his emotional baggage YOURS!

    Give him space to grow up, but don't let him drive you nuts. Stay focused on the right thing for YOU! ​He obviously is not logical, rational, or cooperative at this time.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #13

    Jan 4, 2017, 12:19 PM
    Meanwhile, he needs a job. It's been months.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #14

    Jan 4, 2017, 02:12 PM
    He is completely unworthy of you, if as you say, you have never cheated on him and have started as supportive when he first mentioned this. Your first mistake was of course being supportive of his decision. That is when you should have put your foot down; and you say he is withholding sex ! I am sorry momma5 but that would be a deal breaker for me, plus his attitude about his new found sexuality that doesn't include you. If he plays with any more men, then that is quite dangerous. Just think of what he might be bringing home to you, and I am talking about STDs specifically. And that would be the most selfish he could accomplish and would show absolutely no respect for you at all.

    I would have to say, show him the door and make sure he uses it.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #15

    Jan 4, 2017, 02:21 PM
    Being bisexual isn't a pass for cheating in a relationship. If he expressed an attraction to other women, would it be okay with you for him to explore that attraction?

    Don't let the fact that his attraction goes to men as well cause a change in what you find acceptable in your marriage. Exploring an attraction with someone outside of your marriage is either okay or it's not.

    Decide what you feel/believe, make certain he understands it, and what the result will be to your relationship. It can be difficult, but you can't be wishy washy in what you want in your marriage, or expect from him, out of fear of it ending.

    You gave him the okay to step out a bit, learned that you're not okay with it after all, and it's okay, and important, to make him aware of it. If he wants something different now, then you might need to just let him go, and move on without him.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #16

    Jan 4, 2017, 03:32 PM
    Marriage is marriage, you're either committed to the one you're married to, or you're not. If you're not, then get a divorce so you can screw whoever you want.

    Being bisexual doesn't give you a pass to sleep with your wife and anyone else that comes along that interests you. That's not marriage!

    I have many bisexual friends. Once they find a partner they love and want to be with, that means you're with that one person and only that one person.

    Now, many people do have open marriages, but that's something that is discussed between both people, and agreed on by both people. If you don't want an open marriage, you have the right to say so, and not be made to feel guilty because your man whore of a husband wants to sleep around.

    He's not being fair to you. His being bisexual doesn't give him a free pass to cheat on his marriage. It doesn't give him a pass to make you feel like you're hurting him or holding him back. That's his issue, not yours. If he doesn't respect you enough as his wife, to not do something that you're not okay with, then you should let him go. He obviously doesn't give a crap about your feelings at all, it's all about him and what he wants to do, and him making you feel guilty for not letting him cheat, is the cheapest trick ever. What a jerk!

    I'd cut him loose and find someone that actually loves you enough to respect what marriage means to you, and loves you enough not to make you feel like you're bad because you don't want him to cheat.

    Just mind blowing. This guy would have been kicked to the curb by me as soon as he asked to cheat and got mad when I said no.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #17

    Jan 4, 2017, 03:53 PM
    I have been reading the other responses and thinking on this.

    The first thing to realize is that he's a cheater. He did it with his past wife and he's doing it to you. You forgave one affair, but you have to wonder if there has been others. This does simplify the problem for you if you want it to. You have a great opportunity to divorce him and because of the infidelity, you could take him for all he is worth, but only if you want to.

    If you want to stick around you need to set boundaries for him. Which will require opening the marriage. The rules become tricky though because you need to decide what you want. Some food for thought:
    - Protection, with you AND other partners
    - Do you want to know about his affairs?
    - Do you want to restrict him to just men?
    - Do you want to participate? Either in finding another man OR with him and another man.

    It is my honest feeling that he's come out partially because he's bisexual but also as a way to have guilt free affairs. He is used to, by his previous relationship(s), to sleeping around while being in a committed relationship and he's trying to get your marriage to this point.

    You need to have a honest and clear idea of what your expectations are and what you can accept. Then you negotiate with him. Either you will come to an agreement OR you will split up. Either way you need this dealt with or it will just poison your marriage. These expectations and what you can accept need to be set in stone and you need to be prepared to leave if he can't accept your terms. You're in this together and you can't just cater to him so he is happy. Bottom line is that it isn't all about him.
    momma5's Avatar
    momma5 Posts: 134, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Jan 4, 2017, 05:54 PM
    Thank you all for the responses, I'm sorry I was unable to get back with you, my youngest was in the hospital most of the day. I really tried to be supportive and understanding of him throughout all this. I understood he must have had some confusion and I also was relieved that he had lived with this secret for years and finally felt safe enough in our relationship to tell me. I had set boundaries with this at the beginning, main one being, when it interfered in our marriage, I would put a halt to it. I don't think he thought I was serious... I'm so torn right now. I tried to be there in every aspect of this and he blamed me for holding him back from his ability to experience things. And his reasoning is, he'd be supportive if the table was turned... Of course what man wouldn't be OK with his wife having a girlfriend. But that isn't the situation here. I'm tired of being blamed. And he started withholding sex because if if he can't experience his extra stuff, his only way to shut that feeling and want off is to not want it at all. And it was a choice I would have to live with.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #19

    Jan 4, 2017, 06:13 PM
    Ok, so, make yr choice. Stay with him and experience disregard for your sexuality of needing a man, and wanting close proximity; no cuddling no kissing no skin on skin. I could not do that and don't have to.
    momma5's Avatar
    momma5 Posts: 134, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Jan 4, 2017, 06:21 PM
    He's actually told me on numerous occasions, he'd rather have me as a roommate than not have me at all.

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