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    B91's Avatar
    B91 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 12, 2016, 03:57 AM
    Partner for 7 years, fiancée for 8 months, cheated.
    Partner is in the military and was asked to go to the USA to improve relations. During his time, I had insecurity issues. I kept telling him of my worries, he kept trying to reassure me.

    My partner had been there for little over a week and he had started going to bars, chatting up girls, buying them drinks. My partner stayed there from January to March. During this time, he met girl A at a bar, bought her a few drinks, he continued to text girl A, took her out on a date. Text her saying, 'i'm here, with my hazards on'.
    Hired a jeep on his last few days of his time in the US and took her to the park and kissed her goodbye. Continued to talk to her while he got back to the UK. Would tell her how beautiful she was but nothing sexual was written. However, partner would speak to her more than his fiancée, at some points I would be ignored and she would be spoken to by the minute.

    Girl B, met her at work, a lawyer passing through at the time, happened to work at the same base (this was 10 days before he was due home) Girl B asked him out for a few drinks, partner didn't see this as a date, so didn't mention he was engaged. Girl B asked him to go back to her place, he did. Sat on sofa, she got ontop of him and started to kiss him, he carried on. She led him to the bedroom, he carried on. She sucked him off, he carried on. They had sex, he carried on.
    Partner and Girl B carried on texting. Partner texted her first and they soon talked about coming together again to have sex. I counted 11 times, they had mentioned having sex (tying her down, trying anal, using syrup) and meeting up again. They met one more time to have pancakes together. Partner said he had no intention to go back and have sex again but didn't know why he text her first or why he continued it. He continued to talk to girl B more so than his fiancée and at times, ignoring me to speak to both girl A and B.

    The night he did cheated, I had woken up from a nightmare of him cheating on me, I emailed him, he reassured me and went anyway. He said that it wasn't his intention and he deeply regrets it. Because my partner didn't have any other sexual partners except me, he did it. During his time in the US, he forgot what we had and what it was like to be in a relationship.

    In total, I deleted 5 numbers and found sent emails on his laptop. All to people from craigslist ads. Asking for sex, pictures, bjs, 'not huge but average', 'ever done it with a english guy', how much playing would he have to do with the boyfriend in order to get to the girl. Partners answer, he wanted a thrill and would do this if he was pissed off and never did this while he was with me. He would add them on Skype and vice versa, although he swears he never spoke to them or video chatted them (this I have to take at face value as I cannot find evidence to suggest otherwise)

    I text Girls A & B and explained the situation. Deleted and blocked their numbers off his phone but not before I send a copy of the messages to me, to prevent him from lying.

    Prior to me finding out, my partner couldn't look at me because he didn't know if he wanted to get married (in general). I asked him if anything had happened while he was away and he lied to my face. It took me 3 and a half days to find the whole truth. Partner had tried really hard to forget everything because of how unforgivable he knows his actions are.

    I didn't know he had cheated on me, until he had been home for 2 weeks. During this time we made our wedding rings and partner said he did this because he wanted to carry on with the wedding and thought his cold feet would pass. He had spoken to his dad on his return from the US and explained his problems but I still didn't know.

    Basically, we were due to get married this year, August 20th and I am completely unsure what to do. I have marched him to a STD clinic to get us both tested (I am not running that risk). We have spoken about this at length, it turns out it is nothing to do with me and what I wasn't offering. It was more to do with him, the life he envisaged wasn't what he thought it was. He loves me and doesn't know why he did it. He said he had cold feet and felt like he couldn't talk to me. He said he felt as if his freedoms has gone, he chose to quite sky diving to save for the wedding, I always said he could continue to sky dive. He wasn't happy how we weren't doing as much at the weekends, but this was down to money. He also said he put unnecessary financial pressure on himself and in turn, felt he couldn't do anything. These problems had manifested so much, he started to blame me and then was unsure he wanted to marry me.

    He always knew he couldn't date/have sex with other girls if he wanted to be with me.

    I have said, if I have an STD because of him, I am through. If we are clear, I am willing to give it a go and try and patch it up. I have explained how crappy and hurt etc I feel and that my trust has been destroyed.

    I have made him tell his best man and discuss what has happened, I had to tell his Dad and my parents. In turn, my parents told my grandparents because I couldn't say it (saying it meant it was real).

    I just need advice and anyone who has gone through this and how they made it work and what happened. I do care deeply about him and believe we could make it work but I am struggling when everyone around me is telling me to bin him (completely understandable).

    I also forgot to say, partner had no intention to cheat when he left the UK. He said he took an opportunity to meet new people. Unfortunately it turned out to go pear shape.

    Thanks B91
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,272, Reputation: 7690
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    #2

    Apr 12, 2016, 04:17 AM
    Actually you seem to want to tell everyone, In general you would have broke up with him, or gone into counseling and not announced it to the world. At this point, even if you wanted to try and make it work, the families would never be the same.
    B91's Avatar
    B91 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Apr 12, 2016, 04:19 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck View Post
    Actually you seem to want to tell everyone, In general you would have broke up with him, or gone into counseling and not announced it to the world. At this point, even if you wanted to try and make it work, the families would never be the same.
    I think the families need to know, this is something you can hide, especially if the wedding get called out. We have signed up for therapy, waiting for a appointment.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #4

    Apr 12, 2016, 04:22 AM
    I find it extremely upsetting, this whole mess you have found yourself in.

    I won't spend much time on your question, because I'm not sure you are intelligent enough to make a good decision for yourself.

    Entering into a marriage with this man, is insanity. He is not ready, obviously.

    Doubt and insecurity will plague you with this man, who was, (apparently) for 7 years faithful to you, should you go ahead with this marriage. He has shown himself, over and over and over again, to be a person you did not think he was.

    Now that you know him better, or know better what he is capable of, you still ask for suggestions on how to make this work. It will not work.

    And, that you have involved his entire family into the privacy of your relationship, it seems likely that everybody except you, expects the relationship to be over.

    You cannot overcome, and control any life but your own.

    End the relationship, thank your lucky stars you didn't marry him, or had children with him, and move on.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Apr 12, 2016, 05:14 AM
    'I text Girls A & B and explained the situation. Deleted and blocked their numbers off his phone but not before I send a copy of the messages to me, to prevent him from lying.'

    You aren't his parent, but are acting like one. You can't orchestrate love. END IT NOW! Unless you enjoy the endless stories you can write after the endless infidelities. Some people do like it, because they don't have enough to do in their own lives.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,884, Reputation: 10852
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    #6

    Apr 12, 2016, 06:23 AM
    I hope therapy works for you. A lying cheater and a snoopy blabbermouth have no hope of happiness without it. Don't get married without it, and expect YEARS of therapy.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #7

    Apr 12, 2016, 09:08 AM
    This is going to be harsh.

    IF you want therapy to work, stop doing everything you can to spread your anger and hurt world wide.

    You might think the families need to know every detail of what happens between the two of you, but they don't. All they needed to know was that you were having issues that needed to dealt with if the relationship is/was to continue. Now, they are probably upset and angry just like you wanted them to be and you can sit back and play the innocent victim trying to work this out while he still has to deal with everyone 'beating' him up for you. That isn't fair to him.

    I am surprised you didn't march him down to his commanding officer's office and make him confess to him and the rest of the base. Did you actually stop and think that there were lines you were crossing?

    We didn't need to know all the gory events of what happened. But you made certain you poured them all out in nearly every little detail so that everyone who reads it knows just how horrible and awful he has been. You couldn't leave it at "they had sex". You just had to tell us what kind and when. You wanted us as mad at him as you are. Do you want advice on working things out or retaliation/revenge?

    The reason I am being harsh is because your post is all about your anger, your hurt, your frustration, and other negative emotions. There isn't any real sense of you wanting to heal yourself and your relationship. If all you want to do is strike out at him through nearly every means possible then you won't be willing to listen and communicate in therapy. Therapy is not all about him being in the wrong and you being right. It is about learning to let the negative feelings go so that you can rebuild the trust as a couple. It is about relearning to work together. It will not be him doing all the work. You have your work to do, too. Are you willing to work with him? Are you willing to stop punishing? Are you willing to accept that you cannot run his life for him?

    I am not saying you shouldn't be upset and concerned. He messed up. Big time. I am saying that you need to get a handle on your own emotions. Take some time to calm down your emotions so you can face the problem in a more rational way. Look at the facts as you know them. Do they match up with the story he is telling you? Do the craig's list entries really sound like someone who wasn't thinking about it? You were worried before he left, why? What was already causing you to be concerned?

    If you haven't already, stop looking for evidence when you have doubts he is being honest or you think he is being unfaithful. Don't snoop. Don't ask to see his phone. Give him a chance. If you cannot learn how to trust him again, then walk away before the relationship gets worse.

    General advice for this or any other relationship: Communicate about the good and bad issues. If wedding finances are causing major issues, maybe you should look at scaling back. If your relationship is suffering, find ways to strengthen it as a couple.

    Loving someone does not mean they are the person you should be with. Love and trust go together. No matter what happens, I hope it is for the best and you find peace inside yourself.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member
     
    #8

    Apr 12, 2016, 10:30 AM
    Personally... I think this relationship is beyond saving. What he did might have been bad... but what you did was orders of magnitude worse. Even if you had been married, the fact is you aren't.

    What you did was far worse than just burn bridges... he did a wrong... but you doing ten wrongs out of spite doesn't make you any better or right.

    Personally, and I'm a pretty forgiving guy....I'd have nothing to do with someone who went off on a vindictive spree like this...no amount of counseling could make me forget or forgive that much.

    I'm 55 and to this day....I've never met anyone with enough positives to offset those negatives.

    Harboring that level of negativity and vindictiveness isn't doing yourself any good. Besides the health issues not learning to cope well with stress is going to cause, you are one step away from doing something that might land you in jail and a criminal record. I think anger management is far more in order than couples counseling.

    When you chill out a bit and learn to let go of this anger and need for revenge, you are going to see the point I am trying to make. Its just not worth the trouble you are making for yourself.
    SouthernSweetie's Avatar
    SouthernSweetie Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Aug 11, 2016, 05:49 AM
    Yes ,I agree with all stated above!Take this from someone who is unfortunately married and trying to get out of it! Once you establish bad blood its never going to be the same. I'll use this as an analogy, we all carry staff in our blood stream but once it turns negative it will always make you sick and maybe one day even kill you. Same with a relationship and fortunate for you, the two of you haven't married. Keep it that way! Move on with your life and one day this will be just a lesson learned.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #10

    Aug 12, 2016, 11:49 AM
    I am perplexed why there are so much details that you are willing to put out there for the world to see. I agree with Joy and Smoothy, this isn't fixable so just end it.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #11

    Aug 12, 2016, 02:32 PM
    This post is from April 12, a bit too old to bring up again. Let's wait to see if she responds. She may have un-subscribed. Supposed to get married next week.
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
    Ultra Member
     
    #12

    Aug 14, 2016, 11:47 AM
    Oh dang. I rarely look at the date. Such a rookie mistake.

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