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    xoxg002's Avatar
    xoxg002 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 14, 2010, 11:21 PM
    Is it OK not to get along with your husbands family?
    Ive been married for my husband for years now and iVe never really gotten along with his brother and his wife. Possibly because we attended h.s together. Just recently I found out that they had been talking behind my back? Is this OK. Do I let my husband know? Is he or I suppose to confront them? What can I do to make things better?
    cmarcus's Avatar
    cmarcus Posts: 19, Reputation: -3
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    #2

    Feb 15, 2010, 12:02 AM

    Sweetie I have never gottinng a long with my husband family but my husband always have been on my side no matter what and I been married to him for 2 years and been with hm for 7 I would tell him always tell him what's on your mine
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #3

    Feb 15, 2010, 02:17 AM
    The best possible thing to do is not react to anything you hear, especially second hand.

    I wouldn't drag your husband into petty rumours that may or may not be true. It's enough that you don't get along with them, and he's aware of this.

    I have been in the same boat with my husband's sisters, who hated me from the moment they met me, without reason. Right from the get-go, the things they said and did were ridiculous, and that eventually turned into predictable behaviour. In part I think, because I didn't react, they felt invincible, so they blabbed their nonsense to anyone and everyone.

    Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that your relationships with his family members, does not necessarily mean close fuzzy relationships.

    Be kind and cordial, don't bite, and don't expect that your husband will be able to change them either.
    xoxg002's Avatar
    xoxg002 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Feb 15, 2010, 09:30 AM
    Well I guess this makes sense better one idiot and not two, however I just can't stand the fact that they are spreading lies about me and my husband has no idea. I know because I'm around a little more than he is. We have had discussions about his family in the past and he says to ignore them. They're just going through a bad time. But can you imagine how I feel. In reality I just want to approach his brother and say hey "why are you and your wife speaking about me, you dont even know half of her past", but I guess I'm a bit more better than that. You know this guy has spoken so badly of me even to his younger brother and my husband doesn't have a clue. Yes he knows that we don't get along but that's all. I didn't even find out until just recently. I don't know what to do I'm just so disappointed in everything that going on.
    Devorameira's Avatar
    Devorameira Posts: 2,461, Reputation: 981
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    #5

    Feb 15, 2010, 09:32 AM

    Itís never okay for people to talk behind your back. Are they saying really bad things about you or is it meaningless chatter? If itís more petty talk, Iíd try to ignore it and tolerate them to keep the peace.

    BUT if itís really badmouthing, I would by no means allow anyone to disrespect me. You might consider discussing it with your husband. You are his family now too and he should support you. If he wonít, then I would confront them and let them know that you wonít tolerate being disrespected.
    xoxg002's Avatar
    xoxg002 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Feb 15, 2010, 09:34 AM
    My husband is always on my side, but we have gotten into a few arguments over this. I want to let him know but I really don't feel like getting into an argument over something like this. I know hell stand by my side. I just don't want to make things worse.
    Devorameira's Avatar
    Devorameira Posts: 2,461, Reputation: 981
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    #7

    Feb 15, 2010, 09:39 AM
    If you don't want to involve your husband and IF what they are saying is really bad, then I would definitely confront them and let them know that you wonít tolerate being disrespected. Sounds like you don't have much of a relationship with them anyway, so what do you have to lose?
    xoxg002's Avatar
    xoxg002 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Feb 15, 2010, 09:42 AM
    No if it were just petty talk id ignore it, but its not its really badmouthing me. I guess that's why its gotten to me so much. Its things that should never be said about a family member. And the worst part is my husbands brother is talking so poorly of me to other family members and my husband doesn't have a clue. He does know we don't get along though. You know its funny recently my family and I took a family photo and gave one to his mother. One day I was looking through the photo and somebody scratched my face off. I was so angry I called my husband to let him know. He called his mother and she said she had no idea and probably one of the kids did it. My husband just fell into that one. I knew better than that. I know it wasn't her, but I know she had an idea of who did it yet she made up a lie. I did approach her and tell her that I did not appreciate that being done to my family photo. I gave that to her.
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #9

    Feb 15, 2010, 09:42 AM

    I would ignore the comments as long as they are not malicious,and be as nice as pie to them,laughing at their jokes,handing out compliments hand over fist,nothing will bug them more then knowing you are not bothered by their pettiness.

    Mostly people who do this,will do the same about each other,and other friends and family,confronting them will only give them more fuel.


    You don't have to live with them,you can close your door at night,if you're the only topic of conversation at night for them,they must not have much going on in their own lives.
    xoxg002's Avatar
    xoxg002 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Feb 15, 2010, 09:55 AM
    You know its true. If I do confront them I'm giving them what they want. I will try this do go on with my own life, ignoring what's going on. But what if it continues? How long am I suppose to allow this to go on. Apparently this has been going on for a little more than 1 year. I just found out recently..
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #11

    Feb 15, 2010, 10:02 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by xoxg002 View Post
    you know its true. if i do confront them im giving them what they want. i will try this do go on with my own life, ignoring whats going on. But what if it continues? how long am i suppose to allow this to go on. apparently this has been going on for alittle more than 1 year. I just found out recently..
    IF this behavior is impacting on your health or marriage,YOUR husband is the best one to tackle his family,a rift in a family is terrible for everyone,esp the kids as they don't understand.

    I feel perhaps having a quite conversation,expressing your concerns to your husband may be in order,if this has been the cause of rows between you,take it easy when bringing it up,don't shout or accuse,they are his family,and as much as they don't like you,he loves them,they are his link to his childhood and his past.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #12

    Feb 15, 2010, 12:38 PM
    Anything you say will cause a reaction. If you speak to your husband, he will feel obligated to talk to them, and that will further the rift between 'them' and you, because they will see you as needing your husband to speak for you.

    If you talk to them yourself without your husband's knowledge, then he will be in a position of 'them' vs. you, and he may not appreciate you doing this without consulting him.

    If one or both of you confront the gossips, that only meets their need to know that they got to you.

    I doubt that any talking will stop them whatsoever. People like that don't quit, they just try harder.

    For whatever reason they are singling you out, you can't make them stop talking, and you can't change them into better people. They are who they are.

    They will find a way to turn anything you say into something you either didn't say, or intend. Being confrontational, even in a caring, concerned way, will likely give you immediate results, because they will 'save face' and show 'remorse', but you know very well, you've only given them more to talk about, because no confrontation or conversation will stop them.

    Be careful not to put a rift in your marriage over this. I have seen where couples end up arguing over the importance of what was said (why react to it it is false), to a point where one party will feel it necessary to stick up and justify the actions of either the spouse, or the family.

    It can only cause heartache for you. Even if you are as right and justified as you are in wanting to end it.

    Whoever is feeding you the information, you need to have them put a cork in it too. Just tell them that you do NOT want to hear it, and stand your ground.

    I personally think that if you take any action, it will never end. They will just up the ante.
    Catsmine's Avatar
    Catsmine Posts: 3,827, Reputation: 739
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    #13

    Feb 15, 2010, 05:24 PM

    The traditional method of dealing with sniping in-laws is snubbing them. Don't talk to them, even if they're in the same room. Ignore the fact that they exist. If you're at another family member's house and they happen to be there, remember They Aren't There At All.

    If that's too hard on hubby, simply leave every time they pull up, taking him with you as often as you can.

    Normally another family member will offer to mediate after a few months.
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #14

    Feb 15, 2010, 08:41 PM
    It's a difficult situation, because you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.

    The thing to remember is that you can't control what other people do or say. Regardless of how you respond, they are likely to continue. And in fact, if you do respond, it will probably escalate and you'll really be the 'bad guy'.

    I wouldn't respond. However, I would tell your husband what's going on. Let him know so that he understands what his family is doing. Make sure that if you've contributed to it in any way, that you let him know this as well.

    Have as little to do with your BIL as possible and if you have to attend family functions be polite but cursory with him and his wife. They sound petty and mean and I'm sure you won't want to spend time with them.

    Ask people not to tell you what they're saying- you don't need to know do you?
    xoxg002's Avatar
    xoxg002 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Feb 16, 2010, 07:32 AM
    So far I have ignored the thought of their presence. I saw his wife this morning and acted as if she did not exist. I still have not gone over this with my husband. I will wait for the right time to do that. As far as asking the source not to tell my any further, it makes sense. No I don't want to know or even care what they're doing or saying.
    xoxg002's Avatar
    xoxg002 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Feb 16, 2010, 07:37 AM
    Yes that is exactly how it is, My husband is a very humble and kind person, he hates situations like this. I know that the way I approach my husband about the situation can make it better or worse. I must do exactly that let him know as calmly as possible although inside I just want to yell "stop".
    xoxg002's Avatar
    xoxg002 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Feb 16, 2010, 07:44 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    Anything you say will cause a reaction. If you speak to your husband, he will feel obligated to talk to them, and that will further the rift between 'them' and you, because they will see you as needing your husband to speak for you.

    If you talk to them yourself without your husband's knowledge, then he will be in a position of 'them' vs. you, and he may not appreciate you doing this without consulting him.

    If one or both of you confront the gossips, that only meets their need to know that they got to you.

    I doubt that any talking will stop them whatsoever. People like that don't quit, they just try harder.

    For whatever reason they are singling you out, you can't make them stop talking, and you can't change them into better people. They are who they are.

    They will find a way to turn anything you say into something you either didn't say, or intend. Being confrontational, even in a caring, concerned way, will likely give you immediate results, because they will 'save face' and show 'remorse', but you know very well, you've only given them more to talk about, because no confrontation or conversation will stop them.

    Be careful not to put a rift in your marriage over this. I have seen where couples end up arguing over the importance of what was said (why react to it it is false), to a point where one party will feel it necessary to stick up and justify the actions of either the spouse, or the family.

    It can only cause heartache for you. Even if you are as right and justified as you are in wanting to end it.

    Whoever is feeding you the information, you need to have them put a cork in it too. Just tell them that you do NOT want to hear it, and stand your ground.

    I personally think that if you take any action, it will never end. They will just up the ante.
    Absolutely correct this is never going to end, I can't make them stop. I just need to go on with my own life and worry about my family. I guess if they feel the need to keep bringin me into their conversation, they must have some life right?
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #18

    Feb 16, 2010, 08:13 AM
    There just isn't any making sense of it. I know over the years, things were said and done to me that never, ever had an explanation. It was like they were exposing secrets I never knew I had! Haha

    At first it hurt, because I thought I must have said/done something! But, eventually I realized that's what they do when they all get together- have disconnected memories of things that didn't happen, and share them! Maybe there is a psychiatric term for that, but I just always called them the 'b' word.

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