Hi I have been with my husband for 16 yrs. Married 11 of them. I have a child from a previous relationship and we have two together... Well over the past 8 yrs. He has left us 3 times saying he wanted a divorce and/or he wanted to see what else was out there. After about a month he would come back home this last time though he actually slept with another woman. He never told me I found out things on my own and then he came clean.

Well he acted very different when he came home. He was supposed to be on a 5 day vacation and called me the day he left asking if I would get him from the airport... I should have known then that he had cheated but I didn't. Anyway I found all this out because two months after he came home I seen him unlock his phone so when he went to bed I got into his phone and seen texts between him and another woman (not the same one he cheated with but they both live about 1100 miles away) anyway a month later I found out he cheated.

We started marriage counseling and why I love him I am so confused about if I want to be with him or not. I see him trying but it's just not enough for me anymore and to make matters worse I have been hanging out with his childhood BFF. Nothing has happened I go over there and hang out or we go to get lunch and talk. Well the other night while I was over there he mentioned to me that he was becoming attracted to me and that he felt bad for my husband (because my husband has no idea I have been going over there). Anyway I have always been attracted to his friend but I know that the feelings I feel lately toward him could just be me hurting and anger over what my husband has done. I do like him he has a lot of great qualities.

I just want to know how to figure out my feelings especially now since I know he is attracted to me. I don't know if I could ever do anything because I know how it feels but at the same time I have kind of given up on my marriage. Even if nothing happened I don't want to lose my husband's BFFs friendship because it means a lot to me. How do you know what feelings are real and what are not real? How can I figure out if my marriage is worth the fight anymore? Sometimes I think I am giving up because I am just tired of the uncertainty and I feel like I put up a hell of a fight for so many years I just don't know if I have it in me anymore.

You will never figure your own feelings out being distracted by his friend who has feelings for you. While its never easy coping with a marriage rocked by cheating, its much worse when the comfort and support is complicated by an outside party.

I think despite the cheating, deal with your own husband first, and leave the BFF guy alone. He is not a safe option for a comfort zone at this time. Your family or female friend is a lot better choice for someone to talk to.

Your situation is confusing enough without being complicated by crossing or blurring the lines of friendship and gratitude, sorry.

Ditto to talaniman.
Value the much needed friendship, and don't start an affair while still married. You have 3 children, 2 under 16. You owe it to them to sort this out in a way that isn't impulsive. Your friend sounds like he will understand and wait.
I'm not so sure I would hide the friendship from your husband just because there is no sex. But that is your choice. If you tell him, tell him at a time that isn't in his face angry. Just going over there to visit. Not only is honesty better, but you have a right to friends. He goes off on affairs while you don't... it isn't easy to maintain any self-respect that way.