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    GracieCR21's Avatar
    GracieCR21 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 12, 2010, 04:23 PM
    Newly married... I don't Love my husband.. need help?
    I feel I have come to a point of desperation in my relationship. My husband and I have been married for all of 18mnths however I feel I've fallen out of love with him.

    We have had a rocky first year with quite a lot of family strife and troubles and in our first Christmas as man & wife I found out he had been in trouble with the Law. This was only 3mnths since we were married! He got into some trouble and was charged with Theft but at the time he had chosen to keep it from me. I felt completely let down and ashamed of him, not only had he broken our trust but his actions of dishonesty shocked and appalled me. This was totally out of character from the man I believed I had married.

    I have spent the past 12mnths trying to forgive him for his actions however I donít feel I can trust him. We have now spent so much time arguing and things just keep getting worse. The fights are more volatile and he has a really bad temper to the point, at times I am scared.

    I have not told any of my family of my husbandís actions as Iím so ashamed. My Mother has never really liked him as she feels he is'nt good enough for me. My sister also dislikes him and they have argued in the past. My Father says he likes him now, however they have had volatile disagreements in the past and have a tense relationship. I really think I have tried to put this in the past but I have lost all respect fro my husband. I don't like him and certainly don't love him anymore

    Some of my friends feel I am being too hard on my husband and feel I should give him the chance to change. However I just feel I have completely fallen out of Love with him and think I should cut my losses with him.

    I would really appreciate some impartial advice?
    Many Thanks.xx
    justcurious55's Avatar
    justcurious55 Posts: 4,360, Reputation: 790
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    #2

    Mar 12, 2010, 04:31 PM

    Are you willing to stick around and try to make it work still? You would both have to be committed to working things out. And I'd suggest a marriage counselor.

    Otherwise, if you're not both committed 100% to keep trying to work it out, sounds like its over. Trust and communication are the two most important things in any sort of relationship. You you two can't get that, well, its not much of a relationship
    GracieCR21's Avatar
    GracieCR21 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Mar 12, 2010, 04:37 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by justcurious55 View Post
    are you willing to stick around and try to make it work still? you would both have to be committed to working things out. and i'd suggest a marriage counselor.

    otherwise, if you're not both committed 100% to keep trying to work it out, sounds like its over. trust and communication are the two most important things in any sort of relationship. you you two can't get that, well, its not much of a relationship

    Thanks
    Your right about the trust and communication, without this I don't feel we have a relationship to work for. There is no Trust and at this rate I don't feel there ever will be..
    I really would like to work this out but it feels impossible
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #4

    Mar 12, 2010, 04:43 PM
    Has he ever hit you or abused you physically? Emotionally he has.
    Is there someone else in the picture? Another man or woman? If you are truly scared I would leave or ask him ro leave. Give yourself time alone to think. Good Luck!:)
    justcurious55's Avatar
    justcurious55 Posts: 4,360, Reputation: 790
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    #5

    Mar 12, 2010, 04:43 PM

    If that's how you really feel, then it probably is time for you to "cut your losses." you both have to want it to work and have some hope for things to work out for there to be any chance of it actually working.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
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    #6

    Mar 12, 2010, 04:48 PM

    How long did you know him before you married him? Was there an indication of his temper then?
    If he is violent with you, leave him. If you both want to make this work do some marriage counseling. But I can see your point. If he lied to you about a criminal record, who knows what else there may be.
    I wish you well
    GracieCR21's Avatar
    GracieCR21 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Mar 12, 2010, 04:49 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Kitkat22 View Post
    Has he ever hit you or abused you physically? Emotionally he has.
    Is there someone else in the picture? Another man or woman? If you are truly scared I would leave or ask him ro leave. Give yourself time alone to think. Good Luck!:)
    There's no one else in the picture, on my part anyway. I am only scared as the arguments get more and more volatile as time goes on.
    He has been very threatening in the past, punching doors, walls, lamps, tables and pushed me a few times too.. I just don't know where it will end
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #8

    Mar 12, 2010, 04:54 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by GracieCR21 View Post
    There's no one else in the picture, on my part anyway. I am only scared as the arguments get more and more volatile as time goes on.
    He has been very threatening in the past, punching doors, walls, lamps, tables and pushed me a few times too.. I just dont know where it will end

    Then you need to get out! Go back home! It will only get worse. I'm so sorry! Maybe if you leave he'll seek help and you may see the person you fell in love with. If the trust and love is gone don't put yourself through it. I'm really sorry! You seem like a nice person.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
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    #9

    Mar 12, 2010, 04:55 PM

    It will probably end with him hitting you.
    The signs were there you just ignored them.
    I would not advise any woman to saty with an abusive man. You have no kids, you have not been married that long. If it were me, I'd leave. But that's me.
    justcurious55's Avatar
    justcurious55 Posts: 4,360, Reputation: 790
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    #10

    Mar 12, 2010, 05:01 PM

    It starts with him hitting things like doors and all too often moves onto him hitting you. Like homegirl said, you don't have kids yet. It's that much harder to leave when there's kids involved, and that much worse. I'd leave now too if I were you in your shoes. But please don't feel pressured. I would hate for you to be rash and leave if it's not truly what you want. I don't want you to do anything that you'll later regret. Just because some of us would leave, I don't want you to feel like you have to if that's not what you want.
    GracieCR21's Avatar
    GracieCR21 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Mar 12, 2010, 05:03 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Kitkat22 View Post
    Then you need to get out! Go back home! It will only get worse. I'm so sorry! Maybe if you leave he'll seek help and you may see the person you fell in love with. If the trust and love is gone don't put yourself through it. I'm really sorry! You seem like a nice person.

    Thanks for the advice and honesty...
    I have asked him to get help for his anger but he always makes excuses, as you say this might change if I leave.
    Cheers.xx

    Quote Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    How long did you know him before you married him? Was there an indication of his temper then?
    If he is violent with you, leave him. If you both want to make this work do some marriage counseling. But I can see your point. If he lied to you about a criminal record, who knows what else there may be.
    I wish you well
    We've been together for a total of 5yrs,
    He's always had a fiery tempy but Up until all the arguments started (after we were married) he had never turned his temper on me.
    This is another of the reasons I don't know if he's the same man I married?
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
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    #12

    Mar 12, 2010, 05:11 PM

    How long ago was this problem he had with the law and did he tell you about it, or did you just find out?
    Maybe you guys should talk about this with an impartial third party. You can maybe get to the bottom of his anger problems.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #13

    Mar 12, 2010, 05:20 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by justcurious55 View Post
    it starts with him hitting things like doors and all too often moves onto him hitting you. like homegirl said, you don't have kids yet. it's that much harder to leave when there's kids involved, and that much worse. i'd leave now too if i were you in your shoes. but please don't feel pressured. i would hate for you to be rash and leave if it's not truly what you want. i don't want you to do anything that you'll later regret. just because some of us would leave, i don't want you to feel like you have to if that's not what you want.
    The first time he hits you you will be shocked because your own parents never did that. After a few broken bones you start thinking something is wrong with you so you stay.You go to different ER's after a while. Then you have a child and you decide you don't want that child growing up in the hell you have for three years.

    He senses what you're planning and misses work and when he starts in again this time you fight back and you leave him with a scar on his head . You grab your baby run to the nearest neighbor until the police come for the hundreth time, this time you let them take him and you fly home to your mom and dad.

    You sleep so soundly it's like you're dead. You feel safe and calm and although your parents warned you, they don't tell you, I told you so.
    Your Daddy has tears in his eyes when he see's the bruises but he just hugs you and says, Everythings all right and you never go back and one day you meet the man of your dreams and you marry him and you live happily ever after.

    You get out now. Don't stay another day... :)
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #14

    Mar 12, 2010, 07:05 PM

    I would love to write that essay for you.

    People who cheat are, in my opinion, emotionally and psychologically immature. That does not mean 17 year olds, but all ages.

    At some point cheating becomes an option because it is seen as an alternative to boredom, frustration with a spouse, a temporary departure from the burden and stress of everyday life. It is a break that produces temporary happiness where nobody else matters but themselves. They don't have to share the experience with anyone, and while it is a secret, nobody gets hurt.

    It is also not being able to control yourself. Sort of like the devil made me do it, or thinking errors to justify the betrayal, and the lack of self-control to stop before it starts.

    It is a very selfish act that when discovered, is about the worst possible thing you could do to a mate. Marriages fail, custody battles, psychological fallout, etc. If there is counselling, the one who didn't cheat is often the one blamed for it happening in the first place for really lame reasons like, 'he never paid attention to me', or 'he didn't help with the kids or the housework'.

    It is doing a very wrong thing, and then working backwards to fix it after the fact. I don't know what percentage of marriages fail due to infidelity, I suspect that a good chunk of that statistic is cheating spouses. How many women divorce husbands because they didn't take out the garbage or watched too much TV, but were otherwise good providers, fathers and husbands. Not too many, so that in other words, situations are inflated and made to be much more than the simple truth.

    One final point is that cheaters feel entitled to cheat. There is no remorse going in, and no remorse coming out. The cheating is justified in many ways. People in my opinion, do not try or commit enough energy into making a relationship work. It's just too easy to create a reason to do it, and then the lack of self control or true regard for their partners.

    There is a severe lack of balls in the marriage court. To come clean that there are feelings toward another person directly to the partner, would be the honourable thing to do. A loving, committed partnership can overcome anything that is honest and sincere, before it destroys people.

    What is considered cheating is up for grabs. People know when they are cheating. They don't suddenly wake up and find another man in their bed and wonder how he got there. Or boot up their computer and realize that, Oh My God!- I talked about sex with this guy last night for six hours! nor were they walking in their sleep or unconscious when they met up after work at a little dumpy diner 50 miles from home.

    Anything that involves crossing that line between friendly in a friend way, or neighbourly, is a deliberate act. There are just more convenient ways to cheat in 2010 than there were in 1955. But, it is all the same kettle of fish.
    GracieCR21's Avatar
    GracieCR21 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Mar 13, 2010, 02:51 AM

    Wow... Goood answer Jake..

    I believe many peoples perception of what is cheating will be very different. Some people would be fine if their partner had a drunken kiss one night, not seeing it as a big deal.
    Me personaly I think cheating will only be defined by the type of relatioinship you have with your partner. If your very close a simple kiss may be the end of the world.

    Jake wss so right in saying there are so so many ways of cheating in today's world. With the internet opening up all kinds of methods.
    I would class cheating as any actions wich betray the trust and boundries in your own relationship. So can be different for everyone..

    All intelligent adults know when they are up to something wrong and when you get that feeling that's when you've crossed the line and could be classed as cheating
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #16

    Mar 13, 2010, 06:18 AM

    It takes two to tango- there is always a dance. What do you do during these arguments; do you participate, is there yelling back and forth, do you both get out of control? Or is it him, just him, and he is getting wound up all by himself.

    I would say you have to take some responsibility here for knowing when to back off, and leave the arguing until later when you can talk reasonably like two adults.

    That's called letting difusing the argument before it gets out of hand. If one of you can't back off, then you both have a problem with anger.

    The worst of his behaviour is happening because you can't let go of something he did, that you haven't said what. Did he steal a pack of bubblegum, or was it a car, money? What I'm wondering is does the anger justify the crime, or are you using this against him because you are just generally unhappy being married.

    Because his anger was worse after you finding out he kept something from you that you feel is important, married couples ttalk things out, in a mature way. You learn to get past it, people make mistakes. Depending upon what he did, which doesn't sound like murder, do you think it is possible that your friends are right and you are over reacting?

    It is probably a good idea for you to leave the opinions of your family and friends out of your business. Your priority is to him, and you have an obligation, now that you are m arried, to work through and solve your own problems- together.

    I hope there is more than you are saying. It is quite a turnabout in a short period, and I don't see what justifies your thinking the marriage is over. Just my opinion here, but marriage is a lot of hard work.

    What did you expect it to be.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
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    #17

    Mar 13, 2010, 08:07 AM

    When you are dealing with a hot tempered person, they can tango by themselves. You can not sat "bless you" after they sneeze and that can set them off.
    At any rate I think you maybe upset about him lying about his criminal record and he may not understand why this lack of trust has you so upset. I think you two could use some counseling. Someone who can help you say what you need and help him understand what you are saying. Unless he is getting violent with you, I hope you two can work this out.

    5 years is a long time to be with someone before marriage and not know this about a person. May I ask how old the both of you are? Is this something that happened when he was a teen? If so maybe you need to get over it. Some teens do some pretty stupid things and grow up into wonderful adults.
    Kitkat22's Avatar
    Kitkat22 Posts: 6,302, Reputation: 1191
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    #18

    Mar 13, 2010, 08:15 AM

    If he is hitting walls and punching things when he is angry, these are warning signs. Maybe he won't hit you! If you think you don't love him anymore you'll have to find that out. Get some help!
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #19

    Mar 13, 2010, 07:33 PM
    I actually agree with Jake. Marriage is about commitment and working things out. Remember your vows? "For better or for worse".

    It seems you haven't been able to forgive your husband for lying to you about his brush with the law. Now you're arguing with him and making out as if your problems and your lack of feelings for him are his fault.

    I felt completely let down and ashamed of him, not only had he broken our trust but his actions of dishonesty shocked and appalled me. This was totally out of character from the man I believed I had married.
    We all make mistakes and we're all fallible. This is part of being human. Our partners sometimes disappoint and embarrass us. This is part of being in a marriage.

    If this is totally out of character for him then why can't you forgive him?

    I would take a step back and look more closely at this situation that is partly created by you being angry with him. His anger, is in fact, a projection of your own.

    Although I would never advocate someone stay in a violent marriage I'd suggest you back off a little. Give your husband - who you loved when you married him - a break. Is it really worth being so unforgiving and angry?

    I also agree with your friends. You are being far too hard on him. Your marriage is not about 'cutting your losses', when things don't go the way you'd like - it's about giving him another chance and treating him with the love and respect that you would expect for yourself.

    Try it. You may be surprised at how the dynamic between you changes.
    jmjoseph's Avatar
    jmjoseph Posts: 2,727, Reputation: 1244
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    #20

    Mar 13, 2010, 08:13 PM

    He stole something and lied to you about it. Even though theft is wrong, he didn't do anything to you like cheat ( or has he?). God is very forgiving. He wants US to forgive each other. However, as far as the pushing and potentially abusive behavior, THAT should be enough for you to either leave, or insist on marriage counseling, and anger management counseling for him.

    He will get worse with time. Guys like that usually do.

    If the love left the marriage along with the respect, then maybe it is in your best interest to admit that it was a huge mistake, and get out.

    People make mistakes all of the time. But for you to not feel safe in your own home, that's a different story.

    You can repair a marriage with a "thief" before you can with an "abuser".

    Good luck to you.

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