I am so frustrated and angry, hurt, scared and confused. I have been with my husband for 3 years, we have a 4 month old daughter together, I came in this relationship with 2 daughters and he has 3. This in itself is A lot but I accept it and love them all equally. I met him and fell in love, he earned my trust, he spoke kind words, made promises never to hurt me, cheat on me, lie or hit me. I had come out of a horrible relationship where I was controlled and beaten on. It had taken me a long time to consider trusting another man. 2 years later, my husband started to change a bit. I will admit, I am not perfect, not an angel I do have my moments where I am a , I get stressed out, I snap but I am Always sorry and I always say so when I realize I am aiming my frustration on the wrong people. My only real problem, is that I am very insecure with my appearance. I have very bad scarring on my face, every day is a struggle to go out in public, the stares, the comments, the questions... it is Daily when I go out. Its not in my head, these things do happen and make it so hard to feel good and confident. I have been told my many that I'm sexy and not ugly, a good looking girl... nice body.. blah blah. There are very few days that I can actually feel like they might be right and I have Nothing to worry about. Then there is my husband, when I start to feel ugly, want to hide my face behind my hair ( usually after a shower) he gets angry and then instead of maybe saying I look good or giving a compliment when he KNOWS Why I am feeling ugly, he say... " whatever you say". And continues to watch TV or do whatever it was he was doing. Then I feel even more unattractive and want to hide even more... I tell him this, and he still never says anything... he only gets angrier. If I try to shut up, and block out how I feel, it eats me up even more. When its time to go to bed, he will usually kiss me goodnite, tell me he loves me (really ty)then go on to sleep with his back to me when I am feeling like this. I usually end up crying at this point and he ignores it completely. Now lately, over the past two months, it has gotten worse. I feel like I need to change how I look so he will notice me again. I have lost all the weight from the baby within the first 3 weeks, practically didn't eat for 2 or 3 days at a time so I could do it and look sexy again even if I am ugly from the neck up. I am now 112lbs. I ask him, are you satisfied with how I look? Am I Sexy to you? Am I pretty or attractive? He always answers yes.. but its said with an attitude and ty, like its not true or said to shut me up. He is hardly ever interested in sex with me, he will start to kiss me, but then pulls back and just stops Leaving me wondering... do you want me? Tonight he did this again, So I asked him... do you want me? He said NO, I asked him why and he said because I am only going to accuse him again of things in the morning. Last night, he came to bed naked, was excited kissing me but refused to touch me in any other way. I asked him then, what is wrong... don't you like my body or do you want me? He said NO then as well, reason was he didn't want to because I was only going to accuse him of cheating the next day. I spent the night on the couch cause when I started to cry over the rejection he got mad and told me to leave the bedroom. I will admit, I do accuse.. more Ask him if there is something else going on. My husband and I own a trucking company, He drives for someone else still and I operate our truck. He is often out of town which is hard for me where I am juggling the company, running the truck full time... raising the kids, keeping the house, managing bills, making sure dinner is on the table most nights and dealing with the harsh reality that I HAVE to leave the Baby with someone else all the time for long periods. But when he comes home, and wants nothing to do with me, barely says hello or kisses me hello like he used to after days out, then rejects me, I cannot help but wonder Why?? He says he loves me, I've asked him then Show me you love me, make love to me. He will always turn and say... Oh what , you want some? Your going to get mad cause you aren't getting no... What do I do with that kind of comment? I have literally thrown myself at him, and he does nothing then gets angry when I am hurt that he rejected me. Then there is his Constant accusations. For the longest time, the baby wasn't his in his mind, I am cheating on his he insists, he doesn't want to touch me cause he doesn't know where I've been, he calls me a whore, slut, asks me all the time... how much do I charge? This leads me back to tonight ( I do apologize for this being so long...there is so much in my head...so many things....) When he rejected me tonight, I asked him... like I said why don't you want me. When he said I was only going to accuse him in the morning of cheating on me... thats when I asked him again... Is there something going on? Is there someone else in your life? No sooner did I barely finish the sentence he jumped on me and started to choke me yelling at me saying I am a whore, and get the hell out, he wants a F*ing divorce, he's not cheating and that I'm the one whoring around. Then he threw me on the floor, and kept telling me to shut up... before he hit me again. I begged him to just stop it... stop hurting me this way... what am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to think?? I told him over and over, I don't deserve this, I didn't deserve what he had just done, all I wanted was to get close and am so scared that something is going on. I told him that what he just did, how he reacted is making me feel even more that he is cheating, I needed reasurance, and he hit me instead. He will go for weeks and be the man I fell in love with, then he will snap and I turn into this whore, lier, piece of trash that he wished he never married. Wants me to leave all the time, he says he is tired of my... wants a divorce... I'm just like his ex... That woman did in fact cheat on him, she stole his money, she would lie and say bills were paid but she was putting the money in another account. He almost lost his home because of her lies. Him and I were getting along just fine, the way we used to be... until a check bounced the other day. I got it straightened out and told him that money is tight... but the bills are getting paid.. he can see this all for himself, in the file cabinet in the check book on the statements etc. He told me I was just like her, and I am a liar. He also will be fine until usually the Thursday before we get his girls for our weekend. Then he will change, I become a whore again, a liar... HER. I tell him... I am NOT HER. I tell him I am not cheating on him.. he just looks at me and says I am a slut and a whore just like her.
So please, someone tell me am I bringing this on myself? Is it me? If it is me... what do I do? IF its him... how do I handle this and find a way to end these hurtful things? I want my husband, I love him with all my heart... but I don't love the words, the violence and the hatred that brews in the his home. I don't know how to find out if HE IS unfaithful either... there is nothing out of the ordinary on the phone bill, he does however keep his company phone in his truck when he is home on the weekends... usually anyhow. I hate to say, but I have snooped in his truck, there is nothing in there, no porn or anything like that, no evidence of another woman, no sex smell nothing. But it does seem odd, that he will usually end up getting sent out on a run late in the day that brings him home late almost always on fridays. When this happens, he treats me like when he gets home, avoids any contact with me... no kiss no nothing. I am hoping its only because he is tired... but I still just don't know anymore. AS the first line said... I am confused... extremely.