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    lo_4337's Avatar
    lo_4337 Posts: 2, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Dec 5, 2007, 03:17 AM
    Married for 8 years and is in jeopardy
    Hi.
    :confused:
    I've been married for 8 years and the last one had been the most difficult. I think we are at the 7 year crisis. Everything started when she start to work last year. She started to distance her self from me. So I ask her what's was going on with her. She said nothing so I leave it alone. A week after she start getting dress in another room not letting me see her naked our sex life was at the bottom. I started suspecting an affair. I confront her and ask her directly if there was some one els in her life, she didn't said anything so I took it for a yes. We talk and she told me about another guy that was talking to her on the phone and telling her to leave me so he could be with her. I confronted the guy and he said he just wanted a booty call with her. And she listen to him an she told him to never contact her again. So we keep going forgetting that part. But she wanted to have her own space. So I agree I give her space. We got back again after a few weeks. 2 months a go she told me she wanted to leave me with the kids and she wanted to move alone. I ask her why? She explained she needs to be young and be able to go out as she wants. Fine I said go I even help her to find a apartment. Week later she was ready to move out she ask me how much I pay for everything to sustain my family. So I told her then she says to me she is not moving out no more. I told her not to feel petty for me I know how to survive and I'll always make sure that our kids have all they need. She told me she is confuse because she wants to be alone but she's afraid of losing us for good with her stupidity. So I told her I wanted the divorce because I've been patience with her and all this S*&^. She start screaming that that's is not what she wants. Now I'm more confuse. She wan't to be alone and when I finally accept she don't want that.

    Any advice will HELP.:confused:
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #2

    Dec 5, 2007, 03:40 AM
    Being female I quite understand where she is coming from but personally never used any of her tactics. Sometimes we are not aware we are using them. Look at it this way, she wants you to express your undying love and get down on one knee and present her with another ring. She has fallen into a rut, as most of us do at times, and really doesn't know what she wants. She has been given a taste of freedom but not entirely sure that is what she wants and too scared to just do it.

    You are going to have to woo her all over again very patiently to maintain the status quo. Its as simple as that.

    Ms tickle
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #3

    Dec 5, 2007, 09:31 AM
    Tickle,

    I disagree with your response. This situation must be dealt with firmly. Would you even consider telling your husband that you are contemplating and affair and by the way, here's the phone number of the guy? People have been known to jump into the deep end and kill others over this type of information hitting them. It simply is not a test!

    I would suggest that Lo sit this gal down and tell her just how hurtful her behavior and words are to him, their marriage and their children. She is accountable to him for behaving this way. She also needs to realize that she is married not single and that there is no "time out" from marriage to play at being single again.

    Her actions and words are tearing into the heart of her family, how can it ever be considered as a feminine tool to draw out a new pledge of love from Lo.

    Lo, please consider sitting down with your lady and tell her that you love her but that whatever is going on within her is hurting you. Tell her your feelings and how it hurts you and the children. Do not get into a shouting match or battle with her. Tell her you absolutely want her to be married to you and a mom to her children. Do not consider letting her have her own place to live, let her know if she needs space, that's fine. If there is a spare room, tell her you will help her fix it up for her.

    Lo, please make sure that you listen to her replies. Do not stomp all over her words or plan your answers while she is speaking to you. LISTEN to her and then respond!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,244, Reputation: 10853
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    #4

    Dec 5, 2007, 03:39 PM
    I feel your wife needs attention from you, and lots of it. I think your confusion comes from the fact she is willing to go through so much to get it, that her true motives are very unclear. I suspect she has been sending these signals of her own unhapiness and your not receiving. Paying attention to her in a non verbal way, may open her to better communicate, in other words, helping her find an apartment, ain't the thing to do bud. Neither is talking divorce. How old are you both and the kids??
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #5

    Dec 5, 2007, 07:55 PM
    Tickle,

    I disagree with your disagreement. Please, understand that I am not trying to be melodramatic here.

    Think about what's going on here. Follow the path the wife is taking in escalating the pressure. The final step of which is to say to her husband, "I'm thinking of having an affair with this guy, do you want to talk to him?"

    Who to belt in the face first, her for asking such an inflamatory question or him for attempting to comprimize his wife?
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #6

    Dec 5, 2007, 08:04 PM
    Tickle,

    Once again I am in disagreement with you. To me, both of your responses seem to be making this a "play like situation". It is not!

    Think about the path this lady is taking while escalating the pressure on her husband. She tells the fellow that she is thinking about having an affair and asks if he would like to talk to the guy.

    Ah, who to belt in the face first, her for asking such an in flamatory question or the interloper for trying to bed his wife.

    I have seen guys go at each other with knives just because one of them thought the other looked at his girl for to long of a time.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #7

    Dec 6, 2007, 04:33 AM
    Donj, okay,so you are in disagreement with me, I get it. You have your opinion and I have mine. We were both verbalizing them.

    I think talaniman has a good point and a less violent one. This lady needs attention and although she may be going about it the wrong way, she doesn't deserve to be taken for granted in marriage, and quite frankly, this is often the case with the outcome being separation and divorce. Devastating when children are involved.

    I am hoping both parties will come to grips with their problem and sit down and talk in an amicable way after reading here, thinking, 'did I really say that?'. Printed words are usually eye opening because we put to print what we can't say face to face.
    cerisa's Avatar
    cerisa Posts: 247, Reputation: 71
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    #8

    Dec 6, 2007, 12:16 PM
    Sometimes this is the sad outcome of marrying too early. Although most people marry for love, sometimes they are immature and have no clue of the long term effects.
    She has been sheltered from the attentions of other men for a while. Jumping into the workplace after being home for a long while is an exciting experience in itself, Depending on the work of course.
    Workplace romances occur because people are together , sometimes depending on each other for hours of the day. More time than you two have together I'll bet. Or, she is in the company of other young people who are free and she is trying to be like them.
    In any case, we all grow older, she is not a teenager or co-ed anymore. She needs to reassess herself and her responsibilities, maybe counseling would help. Good Luck to you and your Children
    lo_4337's Avatar
    lo_4337 Posts: 2, Reputation: 2
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    #9

    Dec 7, 2007, 01:26 AM
    Since the beginning she always has my full attention in everything, every time she needed anything she would have it. And I'm taking about anything to me she was my goddess. And every time for no reason at all I'll take her out or buy flowers, leave love notes next to her just to make her feel very special. Even when mi kids were born, even now. So is not for attention. So she will have her space and I'm pretty sure this is over for ever. She is 30 years old and I'm 29. My kids are 6 and 3. Believe what I said, I've always pay attention to every little detail not to make big mistakes. Yes I'm human and we all make mistakes. I've never for got her birthday or our anniversary she does all the time. And quite frankly she needs to grow up. I've been trying for year and a half to get this going but she doesn't try. So we are splitting and going back to her parent's house.
    I know for a fact this is over and just have to keep going with my life and my kids. Hope when she realizes the big mistake she is doing it would not be late for her.

    Thanks for everything GUYS

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