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    waxnfool's Avatar
    waxnfool Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 11, 2008, 02:16 PM
    Married 16 years - still can't get over former love
    I've been married for 16 years - always faithful - still am - but I've been unhappy forever so it seems. I was in a bad relationship for many years before meeting my current husband, and once we met, I broke it off with my ex (he and I were still having sex - but not a real relationship). So I gave full attention to my current husband and we've worked hard at our marriage. It's not been easy and I've wanted out MANY times - too many - but we have a daughter and I believe that would mess her up - I have to stay at least until she's 18... Problem: Last year my ex found me and apologized for the many things he did - (granted I allowed him to do to me) We've kept in contact and some of the emails have been inappropriate. I know that he would have sex with me - and I don't trust myself if I was to see him. He doesn't love me - I'm sure, nor would it matter - but I finally said today - enough is enough - no more contact. I deserve to either give myself entirely to my husband or to get on with my life - without both of them. But how do I do this? How do I forget him? How come I've never got over him? How come he won't leave me alone? I keep wanting him to say, "You're the one - I blew it" etc... but I know it'll never happen and even if he did - what good would that do? He and I are like oil & water (we don't mix) My husband and I are like oil & vinegar - at least we blend - but we're not truly happy. How do you tell your heart to listen to your head? How do I finally stop loving him?:(
    Justwantfair's Avatar
    Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 944
    Ultra Member

    Nov 11, 2008, 02:55 PM

    Sometimes I don't think that you can ever tell your heart to listen to your head... even when you know what you are feeling is wrong. I think you are right to stop contact and although it is hard it will get better with time and if you focus on making the time with your husband count until your daughter is old enough you may remember the reasons you fell in love with this man to begin with. To continue contact you will be playing with fire and even though you may never be caught I can feel the remorse in your statements. That remorse never goes away and it really never gets easier and if things continue and you were to cross a line that guilt is all consuming. So you may never stop loving your ex but while things are rocky he is filling a void that you are missing from your life. Find a healthier way to fill the void and take everything min by min; hour by hour; day by day. It will get easier.
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
    Ultra Member

    Nov 11, 2008, 03:58 PM

    If you and your husband are unhappy then maybe counseling would help. That's a start and even indivual counseling is good.

    I think you can fully be happy with your husband because of your ex. You admiting that when you got involved with your husband you was having sexual relations with your ex, at least once. How did your ex get your contact info?

    Next time your ex calls you tel him to leave you alone and if that don't work then change your information.

    On a side note if your staying with your husband because of your child that isn't good. If a third party can't help then you are going have some tough decisions to make that only you could make.

    Why do you think your unhappy with your husband, what is missing and what can be done to fix it? Do you talk to your husband about your feelings? If not I think you should start there.

    Your ex is no good and you know that and that should be enough to help you get over him, when thoughts of him enter your mind remember that fact.
    450donn's Avatar
    450donn Posts: 1,821, Reputation: 239
    Ultra Member

    Nov 11, 2008, 04:13 PM

    Sit down and make two lists. First one is all the bad stuff concerning your X. Second list is all the good things you have going for you right now with your husband. And be honest with your lists. If after writing all this down you don't see how good you have it, vs how bad it was something is terribly wrong. Either way I think some professional help would do you a world of good.
    waxnfool's Avatar
    waxnfool Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 11, 2008, 04:39 PM

    Thank you for taking the time - It sounds right - all except for the "in time":( If I haven't got over him in 16 years - how am I suppose to now? I should focus on my marriage - if it's worth saving - I'll guess I'll figure that out - with him around, or not. My vote is NOT. BUT it's going to be hard - I wish I could just take a "forget" pill... Do they make one? :)Thanks again.
    Justwantfair's Avatar
    Justwantfair Posts: 3,422, Reputation: 944
    Ultra Member

    Nov 11, 2008, 06:38 PM

    There aren't any forget pills, but time away does make things a little easier, as I am sure you know while your ex was not in your life. Sometimes when we get bored it stands to wonder if the grass is greener somewhere else, but I would focus on your marriage. When you start thinking too much about your ex, hop online, chat with a friend, stop in the forum and help someone else, do anything that helps you keep your mind off your ex. Remember how much it would hurt your husband to know any of this and keep that in mind if you need to imagine how the shoe would feel on the other foot. It won't be easy but you can only change one step at a time.
    lwbr6's Avatar
    lwbr6 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 6, 2008, 09:12 PM
    I feel your pain. I am in a VERY similar situation and the "forget pill" would be a wonderful invention. My ex is telling me how much he loves me and wants me back. My husband in a wonderful man and I love him. I am just in IN love with him. I have also tried to stop talking to him over the last 4 years but for some reason start taking his calls again. I think that counseling would be the only way to move forward and see what is worth working for and what we should ditch.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
    Uber Member

    Dec 7, 2008, 07:52 AM

    You need to really realize that often through the years we forget the negative things and focus on the better memories. You are romanticizing the good times you had with this guy and it is sort of a cushion you fall back on because you aren't happy with things now.
    You know that if you really actually ever hooked back up with this guy it wouldn't work but thoughts of him are comforting. Talking on the phone is a whole different world from living with a person because they are putting their best image out on the phone. Once you are with them they take you for granted and revert back to the old ways that made you break up in the first place.
    You need to start thinking future and goals on making your life work. Instead of thinking of someone as a crutch for your soul think about ways you can put a spark back in your marriage.
    Think of things you admire, love and cherish about your husband.
    You can make your marriage work but you need to come up with ways to make it work.
    waxnfool's Avatar
    waxnfool Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 12, 2008, 10:17 AM

    Thanks, Nohelp4U. I haven't read this in a month, but I've stumbled and thought I should re-fresh my mind as to the issue. I believe your words "crutch" really hit home - I used my husband to get away from this ex and feel in love with my husband, but only for a short time - the time it took for he & I to move away from everything I knew and this place I've lived for 17 years just isn't home - so when my ex tracked me down - he googled me and there I was - it seemed too good. My defenses were up and I even told him, "an ex is an ex" for a reason - and I do firmly believe that with ALL relationships!! But, he seemed like he had changed and he's very mentally attractive - and physically (hasn't changed via pictures). BUT the fact is - I know what I need to do and I think the only way I can is through professional help. Airing it out to strangers/or a professional seems safe but it's not dealing with or providing the tools - I know what I need to do - now I just need to know "how" to do it. Thanks, again everyone!
    KBC's Avatar
    KBC Posts: 2,550, Reputation: 487
    Ultra Member

    Dec 12, 2008, 11:09 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by waxnfool View Post
    I know what I need to do - now I just need to know "how" to do it. Thanks, again everyone!
    You have answered it with your own words,HOW is the way.




    Honestly seeking the truth behind the issue,being open minded enough to accept all possibilities and willingness to change the way you see things and take proper action to resolve them.

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