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loveallways · Feb 13, 2008, 03:38 PM

Hello, I feel a little gaurded about doing this, but I need help. My husband says things to me like I am stupid, there is somehting wrong with me, I am white trash, I'm a moron, etc... He threatens me with divorce evey week. I know I am not these things, I am a very independent person, I work hard and I have a good heart. I just don't understand what is wrong with him, what could make someone be so mean, and in not knowing I can not understand and I am left in a position where I am close to leaving him, but I have never been one to just quit. I am just wondering if anyone has any ideas as to why a person would belittle another person like that, what is it that they are going through (or have) and how could I help him, understand him and just flat out deal with him. Is there anyway that I could do or say something that would trigger an awareness in him silently about himself. He will not read self help books, or even try to understand wha t is wrong, for you see to him what is wrong is always me, and I know this is not true. Even if I do leave him, I want to know that I at least tried to help him, but I am not sure what to do. I have been thinking that people mirror each other and lately I have been mirroring him, being angry and resentful, is it possible that I could change my ways and have him start to mirror me, or is it much deeper then that... Any thoughts?

loveallways

simoneaugie · Feb 13, 2008, 04:10 PM

He is angry, resentful and tells you you're stupid? From reading your description of the situation I find you very intelligent. What he is doing is attempting to control you, and his feelings by using verbal abuse. If he refuses to read self-help books or go to counselling that makes a clear statement that he does not want (or is afraid) to. When people are mean and controlling it is usually because they are afraid of something. He is hurt and scared.

It is not your job to fix him. You can help him grow and change, only if he wants to. Verbal abuse is 'crazy making' to live with. You are not crazy or bad. However, you do not have the power to change him. Only he can do that. If you yourself change, he must, to keep his balance. Mirroring his fear is a choice you may make. But hurt, scared and controlling is not how you want to be, is it?

peggyhill · Feb 13, 2008, 04:21 PM

What your husband is doing is called verbal and psychological abuse. As to why he is doing it, that's hard to say. Often people who are abusive were abused themselves, although I'm not saying that's what it is in his case. The best thing would be marriage counseling, although if he won't read self help books or even talk about it, he might not be open to the idea of counseling. One thing that I do think would help would be for you to go to counseling, by yourself if he won't go with you.

I would sit down with him and honestly tell him how he is making you feel and what you want to do to fix it. Explain to him that if he doesn't stop the abuse, you will be the one divorcing him.

If he won't stop and won't get help, then you have to do what is right for you. Marriage vows promise to "love, honor, and respect" and it doesn't sound like he is doing that. Often abuse starts as verbal and then progresses to physical. So please be very careful and know that this is serious.

I think that talking to a counselor will really help you. It is a great way not only to get ideas about how to cope and ideas about what you should do, but also it helps you let out all the emotions and helps you stay less stressed. Like I said, even if he refuses to go, talking to someone will probably help you feel better. I'm so sorry you are going through this and I hope it all works out for you!

shygrneyzs · Feb 13, 2008, 04:47 PM

My ex used to do that to me. I finally called his bluff and moved out. He was incensed. I asked him why? Since I was such a liability to him, one would think he would be pleased I left. Only then would he consider a marriage counselor. Before that it was always me who had the problems, since I was so stupid.

You are sharp enough to be able to care for yourself, if that does come to be. If he refuses counseling, you go - for your own mental health. Make plans for the event you do need to leave. You might need that ace up your sleeve.

talaniman · Feb 13, 2008, 07:31 PM

You have been given excellent suggestions, and as hard as it is, you must be prepared to leave him, and let him stew in his own juices, because what he is doing is hurtful, and NOT love, and very unhealthy. You love him, but if he cannot address his issues, and learn how not to be abusive, you must leave, and not come back, until he changes his behavior. Counseling to guide you through this decision making process is highly recommended. I hope it works out.

Ash123 · Feb 13, 2008, 08:31 PM

He is not marriage material....

So sorry...

Can you find the strength to move on?

The things he has done are not forgivable... and go beyond the normal marrital issues that one can solve with counseling or a respectful talk.