Check out some similar questions!

notaliar · Apr 23, 2007, 04:03 PM

I'm worried. My husband hates lying. We're totally honest with each other about everything. The only thing I haven't mentioned to him is that since my mother's been receiving her social security checks, she's been giving me and my sister EVENLY some money every month. She told me not to say anything to anyone because she feels embarrassed. She give us this money as emergency money and also, because she feels she never helped us through school or with cars and such. Well, my husband found some of that money in the washer ($500) and asked me where I got the money from. I first told him that I withdrew it from an ATM. When I couldn't keep that going. I told him I borrowed the money from my parents. That I wrote them a check and got the money as a front. My husband is TOTALLY furious with me and says he can no longer trust me. I talked to my mother this morning and told her what had happened. She told me to just tell him the truth about the money. He called me at work this morning and asked me to tell him what really was going on with the money. So I did. Now this is the third story I tell him and he hangs up on me. He's so angry with me he says maybe we should call it quits. My stomach is in knots and my mother feels very VERY bad now. How can I remedy this?

Please help.

shygrneyzs · Apr 23, 2007, 04:58 PM

You could sit him down and invite your Mom and sister and have a totally honest discussion about the money issue. Tell him the unvarnished truth and why you hid the money from him. Why did you hide the money from him? Ask for his understanding and forgiveness. It is up to him to forgive you. But understand that this may take him awhile. I could understand him being very hurt about this. Resolve to make amends and then stick to your word.

If your husband calls the marriage quits over this, how could you blame him? He may be thinking what else have you lied about? You may not have lied about anything else, but he will doubt that. It would be a shame for him to walk out on the marriage over this. Offer that you will seek counseling, if that will help his feelings. You can atone for the lying, but I also say that bending over backwards and repenting on a daily basis is way too much to expect. Once he forgives you, then the matter should not be brought up as any method of retaliation or in any argument.

notaliar · Apr 24, 2007, 08:19 AM

Thank you for replying. I'm trying to give him his space, not crowd him. I'm just sick to my stomach about it. Haven't eatten in two days I'm so beside myself over this. I keep replaying the incident over and over and over again. I called him before leaving work and he told me he can't trust me. When he got home from work, he went straight to the bedroom and didn't come out for a couple of hours. And that was to make himself dinner. I sat on the couch and watched t.v. with him but he wouldn't say a word to me. I had to go to sleep because I wake up early for work, I asked him where I was sleeping. (He has TERRIBLE sleep apnea, so when he doesn't get any sleep, I sleep in the spare bedroom because of my early alarm - he's got his sleep machine all hooked up in the bedroom and it's easier for me to go to another bed). Anyway, I asked where I was sleeping and he said not with him. I'm at work TOTALLY holding back tears - or at least trying to. You don't understand how SICK to my stomach I feel. The only thing I keep trying to tel myself is that at least he came home after work. He easily could have just not come back. It'll be interesting when I get home from work tonight, though, because he has the next four days off - he might just choose to leave today. Again, I'm totally in pieces and don't know how to remedy this!

startover22 · Apr 24, 2007, 10:53 AM

Why did you hide the money from him. Wouldn't have been nice to enjoy some treats together? First you need to figure that out in your own head and NO LIES! Tell it to him straight and then let him make a choice on what he wants you and him to do. Write it in a letter, call him, do what you have to and then have your mom call him and tell him the truth, just to back yourself up. Giving him space is a good thing, but if his mind wanders too long thinking about things in the past and if you were lying to him all along then you might have bigger trouble. He doesn't need to think about all of that and time will make him do that if you don't set the record COMPLETELY straight, RIGHT NOW! Tell him that you love him and did not mean to hurt him this way. I really hope it works out. How long have you been married?

notaliar · Apr 24, 2007, 11:06 AM

I never told him about the money because my mother asked me not to. I took a 50% lesser paying job and she knows my money is tight. Since she never helped me with college or any other finances while I was growing up, she thought she'd try to make up for that now. This is a couple of hundred bucks out of her social security money. You should see the joy on her face when she gives me this small envelope every month. My mother, for some reason, feels embarrassed that she's giving me money. She doesn't hold much worth in herself. I don't understand it, but she's getting older and I'm just trying to fill her wish. My husband and I are planning a summer vacation (2 week road trip) and that's what I was going to use the money for. I was going to pay for the rental and anything else that came up. My husband always pays for the big stuff and I wanted to surprise him with it. I told him he could talk to my mother about it, but I just don't think he'd believe her either.
He just called me and told me he's going away for a couple of days. I told him that I loved him. I left post it notes at the apartment saying I love you. He told me I have a funny way of showing it, that he feels betrayed, victimized and trapped.

startover22 · Apr 24, 2007, 11:20 AM

He is right, but don't let that get you down. Give him some time, that is obviously what he wants. Take these few days to get yourself together. Tell him he is in the drivers seat. He is in control of how you both come out of this. That might make him think a little on your behalf. Even though he did not start this, he needs to end it. In his own way. Let him go and relieve his mind. I hope this works. Let us know.

notaliar · Apr 24, 2007, 11:45 AM

I'm trying not to pick at him and in turn push him away. We've been together for 15 years, married for 5.5 now. I just want him to know that this was only meant to be a good deed, a surprise. He caught me of guard with the interrogation and I instantly tried to cover it up. I just sometimes feel like he never had faith to begin with, you know? I mean, I know I lied, but it wasn't lying about a loan, a gambling debt, hooking, an affair, stealing. There are so many worse things I could have tried to cover up. I'm not a good liar, get caught all the time. That's why I couldn't stick with a story.

startover22 · Apr 24, 2007, 12:09 PM

I understand completely. He just needs time. You guys have been together a long time. He is sure to think about all that. I know you feel bad, with good reason. Just don't find yourself getting mad at him for something you have done. And you know what, this might even be an eye opener for you guys to communicate a little better. You never know what good will come out of the bad. I really think you should just call him, tell him to have a safe ride and remember that you love him. Remember to give him the drivers seat and tell him his decision is going to make you or break you. I really think you guys will pull through. Let him go like I said before. I also think that every time you write here it helps you just a little more. Other people are going to have great advise for you too. Just wait it out. I know you are hurting, usually the one that did wrong feels for both people involved, so remember some of your feeling are for yourself and him.

notaliar · Apr 24, 2007, 12:22 PM

You have been a TREMENDOUS help to me. I appreciate so very very much you talking to me! I have no one to talk to. His whole family is alone - his parents are divorced and his brother and sister are single. I can't talk to my sister because she's totally protective of me (even though she's younger) and would just fly off the handle being upset with him. And my parents, they're totally distraught about this.. I don't think they've slept in days because of it. I don't need to talk to them about this any more. And I'm new here at work, don't know who to pledge my alliance with, you know? I think I feel the pain of a whole country! I have such a hole of a feeling inside, I have never felt such pain, regret and sadness before. I would never get upset with him about this, let's be honest.. I'M the one who screwed up. The one thing I will say about myself is that I own it when I've screwed up. Again, thanks for being a shoulder to cry on.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 24, 2007, 12:27 PM

Yes if someone tells you to lie to your husband, just say no, You can not keep things from him and money is the number one issue for divorce in a marriage

notaliar · Apr 24, 2007, 12:38 PM

You're right. I shouldn't have lied to him. Like usual, I'm doing for others instead of thinking what it'll do for me. I need it to be him and me again, it's a beautiful day outside and that's all I can think about. I would do ANYTHING to get that day back!

startover22 · Apr 24, 2007, 12:45 PM

I think you are a good person. I started on here with some questions myself. My husband and I have gone through lots of silly stuff, nothing major. Money has been the biggest issue, 4 kids, he works and we are very set on me being with the kids. It can take a toll on both of you. Anyway, just be calm, I know you are hurting, I can feel it with your words. Remember where there is bad, there is good. That is what we try to remember when bad things happen. You are hurting for two, your mistake and the affect of it on him. When he comes back, talk it out if he wants to, or just start kissing him and make sure you give him what makes him feel like a man. I have found that it works in my house, why not other peoples. I do the same with the kids, give them something of emotional worth. Weather it be a huge smile that they haven't seen in a while or something to that effect. Just be strong, you might find yourself to give a lot more than you are used to, but happiness comes in return. Even if it is just getting back to where you were. If he feels like talking then listen and don't be too defensive, be calm. Have faith in the path you are taking and it will turn out for you. Keep writing, every time you do, something new comes out in you and through your words.

notaliar · Apr 24, 2007, 01:29 PM

I kiss him all the time. When he comes home, I hug and kiss him, when he's watching TV I'll go over and hug and kiss him. He's always had a self-confidence issue. He's almost 6'3" with a great smile. I just got a new job working for the air support department with the fire department (the helicopters that do cliff rescues, water drops during brush fires, etc.). So there are about 55 male mechanics, pilots, captains and firefighter/paramedics. I'm one of only three women that work here. He always asking me if I'm true to him and I always reassure him. He's just got a very low threshold for someone doing him wrong. The instant you've wronged him, he shuts you out and most of the time it's for good. I'm trying to think of the good. I'm just terrified, I've never loved anyone as much as I love him. I get so excited I become a goof-ball around him.

startover22 · Apr 25, 2007, 10:36 AM

How are you doing today? I was thinking about you last night, wondering if you were able to talk to him at all. I hope this works out for both of you. Take good care.

notaliar · Apr 25, 2007, 10:50 AM

I've got new concerns today. Only because I tried calling him all last night and this morning and he has his phone turned off. I don't know what to do. My mother's been crying all morning, neither her nor my father got any sleep last night. This has now made them look at him differently, too. They always understood that he was a bit of a cranky person but knew he was a very good person deep down. Now they wonder what's going on with him and us that he would blow out of town over me trying to cover up money that has no harm to him. All he sees is that I lied about money. He could CARE LESS why, just that I did and my parents are very worried and sad for me. There's just a very large pit in my stomach and it's starting to tear through my insides. I'm totally not the same person anymore and you can tell. My head hurts from holding back tears while at work. I'm trying not to talk to anyone because you can hear it in my voice that I'm holding tears back. At least the past two days he called me. Now there's absolutely no communication and I don't even know where he went. Like I said, I'm so beside myself I'm sick!

startover22 · Apr 25, 2007, 01:02 PM

Did you get a chance to tell him that what he does affects both of you? Or did you not get to talk at all? If his phone is off then he is avoiding this whole thing. Let him be as hard as it may be. Now, having said that, I hear anger in your post and this is very normal. When you have done what you can to set the record straight and it doesn't help any, you will be angry. I want you to be OK, so get your work done, get through this day, and go home and take a rest. Don't call him any more unless he calls you first. Then try to talk calmly with him. Keep telling him you love him and so on. Let him do the most talking if he can. Do you think that he has been happy all these years? Maybe this is an out for him, so he won't look bad. I don't know, I am just writing my thoughts now. Get some rest tonight, watch a movie or do something that will take your mind off it until you guys can actually talk together. I am sorry this has to be the way he is dealing with his anger. I really am.

notaliar · Apr 25, 2007, 01:12 PM

I haven't been able to talk to him at all. The last we spoke was yesterday morning when he told me he was going out of town for a couple of days. I didn't mean for anything to come out sounding/looking like I'm angry.. total opposite.. I'm very sad and scared. What's made it worse? Today is Administrative Professionals Day and I got a large bouquet. My eyes have been welling since. I can't take this.. I miss him so terribly!

startover22 · Apr 25, 2007, 01:19 PM

Oh, you poor thing. Just hold on, hold on. Give yourself a long bathroom break and let it out. Your co workers probably know something is up anyway. Plus, sometimes a few tears make your eyes look pretty. Crying is a huge stress reliever, let it go, you will be rid of that part at least. Let him take his break. That is all you can do. I only thought you were angry because of the big bold letters, he could CARE LESS... It doesn't matter anyway. You really need to get snuggled and watch a few movies until your eyes are so tired you fall asleep. Tonight you really need to do that. When you watch a movie your train of thought will eventually forget about reality and go to the story line of the movie and that is where you will get your rest. Keep your head up, you will get out of this alive, I know you will. Another thing, you might want to tell your parents that you aren't taking phone calls, just so you can relax them and yourself. Relax, and go use the restroom, you need a good cry.

notaliar · Apr 25, 2007, 01:28 PM

I'm totally distraught because this has never happened before. Yes, we've had our fights, but it's blown over at worse by morning. I'm scared because I don't feel I'll get a chance to fix this. I'm scared because I don't know what he's thinking. See, the problem is he has no friends, no one to bounce ideas off. He tries fixing/figuring things out himself and only gets his point of view, does that make sense? He has no one to talk to, to help him look at the big picture. I'm already focusing on the extreme worst scenario and it's terring me apart.

startover22 · Apr 25, 2007, 01:35 PM

Ok, I am going to take a positive aproach right now... I think you need to stop, take a look at how wonderful things were when he was there just a few days ago. You guys are going to be fine. He will come back and yes you might argue or maybe even not argue at all, but it will get back to normal. I really don't think he will be leaving for good over this situation. Did you go and take your bathroom break yet? Did you? I understand the fact that he is by himself only thinking on his behalf, but, just wait because the thought of you will be there in his head soon. This is why he will return and love you again. Just do the bathroom break and the movies, and wait for him to come home. He is going to need clean underwear at some point right?