My lover wants me and I want him but how do I leave my husband I don't love no more
Asked Jan 3, 2008, 01:51 PM
I so confused and I don't know what to do I'm married now for nearly 8 years but I'm not happy my husband has changed he lossed his sense of humour and just became so boring it's the same routine everyday and I'm just not happy in my marriage I now thing it was a mistake getting married. I'm in love with someone else I've been having an affair for the last 2 years or more and before I got married I was with him but it stopped until 2 years ago I love him so much and he loves me to he is divorced with 2 lovely kids which his ex wife will only let him see the kids once in a blue moon which is so unfair and hurtful to him. I'm willing to stand by him to fight for his kids as that's how much I love him as I know there come involved too if we get together I really love him more than life itself and I found out how much my lover means to me there 10 months ago when I had a miscarriage and lost our baby. Now me and my lover want to be together but I don't want to hurt anyone like my family or my husband which I know I will and I don't want my lover to lose his kids all over again as is ex is a right and would use the relationship to stop him from seeing his kid I feel I'm in a lose lose situation so what do I do we both want to be together but we also both have a lot to lose please help
If you did not want to hurt anyone like your husband or your family, you would not have started with this lover. Sorry, but someone is going to get hurt and that is unavoidable.
You need to sit your husband down and tell him you do not love him anymore and you want a divorce. Thousands of divorces start that way.
You are afraid to lose and your lover is afraid to lose but you can secretly sleep with him. You are not afraid of someone discovering your affair?
Go and talk to a divorce attorney and find out what you have to do to gain your freedom from your "boring" husband. It would be interesting to hear from him - what started his loss of his sense of humor and adventure to begin with? Have you ever thought that if you put as much energy into your marriage, as you do to your lover, that your marriage might be saved and be better? Of course not.
At least do the right thing for your husband and let him find someone who loves him. You don't.
A few points to remember...
1. the grass is not greener on the other side. Just like you are bored with your husband you will grow bored of this guy too, if he doesn't grow bored of you first.
2. being willing to stand by this guy to fight for his kids doesn't hold much weight since you can't even stand by and be faithful to the man you are married to.
3. if you didn't want to hurt your husband then you shouldn't have opened your legs to another man.
4. You're in a in a lose lose situation because you put yourself there.
i so confused and i dont know what to do im married now for nearly 8 years but im not happy my husband has changed he lossed his sense of humour and just became so boring its the same routine everyday and im just not happy in my marriage i now thing it was a mistake getting married. im in love with someone else ive been having an affair for the last 2 years or more and before i got married i was with him but it stopped until 2 years ago i love him so much and he loves me to he is divorced with 2 lovely kids which his ex wife will only let him see the kids once in a blue moon which is so unfair and hurtful to him. im willing to stand by him to fight for his kids as thats how much i love him as i know there come involved too if we get together i really love him more than life itself and i found out how much my lover means to me there 10 months ago when i had a miscarriage and lost our baby. now me and my lover want to be together but i dont want to hurt anyone like my family or my husband which i know i will and i dont want my lover to lose his kids all over again as is ex is a right and would use the relationship to stop him from seeing his kid i feel im in a lose lose situation so what do i do we both want to be together but we also both have alot to lose please help
Well for you loving your husband and this other guy the thing you need to do is descide who you love more, and if you have a hard time doing so be true to yourself and follow your heart, the answer will come to you soon though times are hard and love is strange. Then you should be honest with the person. Tell your husband if he is the one you didden't pick that you've sadly moved on and you hope he can be friends with you. Because if the feeling for the person doesen't come from the heart it's useless and doesent mean anything... and if you think about it... would he rather have had to lie to him and yourself about your feelings and keep you unhappy as long as the relationship stayed?
IF you had not wanted to hurt your husband you would never had started having an affair, I don't know of anyway you can really save your marriage if you are not willig to leave your lover and get counseling with your husband.
take this from someone whom went through the same situation your going through right now.is not that your in love with your lover, you are just in love with the fact that he "IS" what your husband once "WAS". You say your husband is "BORING", because his lost his sense of humor, and is the same routine everyday. Well lets say you end up with your lover, he becomes your husband and so on. Yea you both might be doing different things laugh, play, cuddle, and so on. Like what you used to do with your husband, which you can still do. You just have to sit down and talk to him. Im not saying is easy because i know it isn't. Tell him that you want the person back that you fell in love with. Spend more time with him go out have fun, or at least try. You'll see that he still has it in him you just didn't take the time to find out. You have rather gone out and find something in someone that im sure your husband still has!you can't expect someone to come around and figure out what's bothering if you don't, want to open up and explain. You have to put some part. You say your tired of the same things everyday, well look for things to do with your husband there are so many things you can do with each other.! What's done is done you can't change any of it, but you can change and take another chance in your marriage, and love your husband every minute for what you have done.
I want you to think about your lover from a different perspective for a second. This is a man that thinks it is OK to pursue and sleep with another man's wife. There is no sugar that will make this pill easy to swallow. A man that has an affair with another man's wife is the lowest form of life (Read Proverbs 6: 30-35). There is nothing honorable about him. Is that the person that you place your trust in? Maybe he is the man for you and the two of you will live happily ever after, but the odds are pretty low. These kinds of relationships hardly ever last long.
If you decide to stay with your husband, DO NOT TELL HIM ABOUT THE AFFAIR. It will only may you feel better, but it will destroy him. Cut off ALL CONTACT with your lover. None. If you work at the same place, change jobs. Devote yourself fully to your husband and his former self will come back.
If you decide to go to your lover, which is most likely a BIG MISTAKE, then tell your husband that there is someone else and that it wasn't his fault and that you are sorry and leave. Don't drag it out. Don't torture him.
Whatever you do, do it now. Don't continue on the path you are on.
You know when we don't live ethically, we get hurt and find ourselves in a world of problems. You apparently loved this other man before you got married, and then resumed the relationship without first ending the marriage. This shows a lack of maturity, I'm sorry to say, in your own emotional life. I don't mean that as a put down, but more as a, "learn something...this can be a turning point for you!" moment.
You need to end the affair first, I'm sorry to say. You can go back to this man later, but it is not fair to either him or your husband, nor healthy for you, to try to move forward with this other relationship while in the midsts of ending your marriage. A true love deserves for you to come to him fully available and open, without the very real restriction of already being married!
Then you need to end the relationship with your husband. Because you had unprotected sex, it is your moral duty to tell your husband that you have done so as he deserves to know that you put his health at potential risk of things like HIV and Hepatitis. I'm sure your lover is perfectly fine and that you will be insulted by me saying that, but some really sharp and honorable and wonderful people have had these things and their lovers were the last to find out about it.
Once you leave your marriage, you need to spend some time finding out why you entered a marriage when you still loved someone else; why you turned to a lover instead of focusing more intently on your marriage when you got bored; what it is about the secretiveness of your affair that you like (you like something about it or you wouldn't do it for 2 years... let's be real here, you like being loved by two men at once and the thrill of potentially being caught!). You need to do this on your own with a counselor.
My guess is that neither of these men are right for you, but even if one of them is, your chances are comparable to those of a snowman in hell unless you work on yourself and start being truthful and ethical in your dealings with both of them.
Think about yourself in 20 years from now.Fast forward to 2028.who do you see by your side?a man who has already swore to your God that he will be there until the end of days or a man who makes you feel,nowadays,young and more alive?this really isn't something to joke about,you really need to analyze it from this point of view too.how about going on a vacation or a weekend away with your hubby?having some intimacy with him could help,both of you.you might (re)discover things ;)Be patient with yourselves
1st, I have to say that: it is YOU who has a real problem. Why? Because:
1. It is not him to make your life bored. Who feels bored, who has the gut to change? You or him? If it is you then GO DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE, why do you expect HIM to change your mood? I've been with my boring mom from birth, she is damned bored but I made her more interesting! I bet that with your attitude, you routinely have same old mistake until death. You simply blame on him when you are just as boring as him (I guarantee because when I live with a happy, interesting person, I just simply feel happier, --> he doesn't means you're just same level)
2. THe man who you think your in love with is a bastard I have to say. Why? He sleeps with another man's wife! If he is good enough, he should have asked you to divorced before getting involved. And you know what? You will permanently be only his LOVER, no more, no less (know what I mean?).
So, yeah, this might be tough to hear, you might hate me for saying it, but u'll remember.
I don't mean to sound rude, but it is your husband that is in a lose lose situation. He eithers loses the love of his life or he loses any chance at truly being happy. Do I think you should leave him... yes, but not for reasons you talk about. It's wrong to go on pretending to love someone, it's wrong to HIM. I don't think you should leave him and jump into this second relationship. It's probably too late now, but before the affair, you should have talked to him about the way you feel, given him a chance. Of course your life has become routine... welcome to the married life. People change, period! After 8 years you now think you've made a mistake? Are you sure this other guy is going to want to be with you once you and your husband divorce? Are you sure this 'love affair' is going to go on once strings are attached and once your life is "boring" once again? You can say that would never happen, but I'm sure you didn't think it would happen with your husband either. The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Take a step back and put yourself in your husbands shoes, he's the one that will be hurting after all is said and done. Also I believe I read that you had a miscarriage with your "lovers" baby. How selfish of the two of you to try and bring a child in this mess of a situation you call love. I think you need to take time to figure out what it is you want so that all parties involved can move on. Don't string your husband along as your backup plan. I wish you the best and I truly hope you see how much hurt this whole things causes all of you. Don't do it unless you know you want it, because when you break a person's heart things aren't ever the same after that.
There is always more to a story, when no one agrees with the OP. Of course we should understand her and justify her lying and cheating on her husband. She has an excuse, doesn't she? That makes it okay, right?
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