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    AlwaysSmilel3ab's Avatar
    AlwaysSmilel3ab Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 9, 2018, 11:42 AM
    I love my husband but...
    I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I could use some outsiders looking in... I love my husband and we have been together 10years, 10 rough years. I met him when he was 22 I was 28 so as you might know he was still doing silly boy things. I looked past that because there was just something there between us I knew he was the one. And every since he's been the one. I was always crazy in love and crazy about him. Well problem is after dealing with so many of the silly boy things. You can already imagine, animosity grows and feelings die.
    We split up for 2yrs we both started dating to rebound. Well he took his a little far, asked the little girl to marry him. I agreed to a divorce and loved my then new boyfriend dearly. My husband and the little girl they had me all in the middle of their mess at times. Even had the nerve to try and hurt me by asking had I gotten the divorce papers typed up on Christmas! That was a bit hurtful how do you move past that? So about a few months later my husband looses his high paying job and the little girl goes back to the father of her child. So of course my husband begs me to come back and I was happily involved! He managed to manipulate me into taking him back with ways that were out of this world. He was going to kill himself or he was going to kill my boyfriend and so on. I finally give in I didn't want to fight it and I did love him.
    Here we are a year later and he actually got a good job and is on his best behavior ever. Guess he finally grew up 10yrs later, but I feel it's too late. I think of all we have gone through because of his ways and it makes me feel so ill. What do I do and am I wrong? I have communicated my feelings to my husband several times, he tells me the past is the past and to try to let it go. However I feel the past had a lot to do with today! Will I ever let go of the past?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,006, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Oct 9, 2018, 01:10 PM
    Sure you will, but only when you stop blaming him for manipulating you, and own your part in allowing his manipulations. You have no control over him, but it's your lack of control over YOURSELF that's the real dilemma I think. I think you have papered over and dismissed his bad behavior so long that the resentment has done nothing but grow, and is stopping YOU from growing also. You cannot seem to decide what you want or how to get it though you are a bit older than him. I think you are stuck in this conflict with yourself, and probably need some help to move along and get some self respect back.

    I have seldom seen a person being healthy enough to grow and deal with the past without a proper healing. I don't think you gave yourself that opportunity bouncing back and forth from husbands boyfriends and back again. No close friends, or family to talk you through this. Can you afford someone to talk to (Probably)? Where did you live when you where separated? Kids involved?

    Can we say he has always made the rules and you just follow? That's really not manipulation, that's control. Is that accurate?
    AlwaysSmilel3ab's Avatar
    AlwaysSmilel3ab Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Oct 9, 2018, 03:10 PM
    I don't know I would say he's controlling. I definitely feel resentment! My family are all aware of the history and I've been told to leave him alone and live my life. I just feel guilty and worry I would regret divorcing
    I do know I just want to feel better and be able to let go of all my resentment but I honestly can't say I feel I ever will. I feel like yes he loves me but I'm the better alternative for his life. I've always taken care of him and my family has always been there as well. Do I continue and hope I have a change in feelings.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,006, Reputation: 10852
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    #4

    Oct 9, 2018, 05:39 PM
    Maybe that's something you explore with a professional maybe, as I don't know enough details and dynamics of your life and marriage to make any suggestion other than healing and dealing with YOUR OWN FEELINGS. I do know that taking actions you are unsure of and not ready for can be as devastating as the uncertainty you are now feeling. Comes down to YOU being able to decide what YOU want. I can only say give yourself that time, and hopefully with support to help you through it.

    Start doing something good for yourself TODAY. Got somewhere to start? The thing about a professional is they won't tell you what to do, but listen until you figure out what you want to do and are ready to do it. I can say there is no hurry for such a huge decision is there?
    Oliver2011's Avatar
    Oliver2011 Posts: 2,606, Reputation: 746
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    #5

    Oct 10, 2018, 05:46 AM
    "hope I have a change in feelings" - BLAH. That seems like no way to live or to be excited about your future. What do you really want out of this relationship? Are both of you working towards the same goals? How long are you prepared to feel like this? I am a person who believes in never going backwards to something or someone. It just doesn't feel right to me.

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