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    JJB1's Avatar
    JJB1 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Oct 27, 2008, 01:40 PM
    Long term marriage.long term problems
    Well Where do I start …I have been with the same woman since high school and now at 41 we are in a very rough marriage with a 4 year old son …we almost got a divorce at the 7 year mark due to her request that she just didn’t love me anymore and some of the hurtful things I had done like some financial decisions and I drank a little too much on the weekends with the boys/family…after I finally conceded to a divorce /separation she saw that many other women had interest in me so she wanted me back but of course some of my habits needed to be changed…so I came running back because I truly love her… and that worked for a while…all in all its been very rough throughout our marriage especially lately … we have been to counselors/seminars and that seems to work for a very short time …a little history on her personality is that she is very controlling …(example) she has always done the finances and wouldn’t even consider that I do them even though I have managed/created a 7 million dollar budget at work, always have to have a set time to leave when we go somewhere, when we do stuff its usually always by her rules unless it our vacation …in my opinion she is a very rigid person who if she doesn’t get her way she makes my life miserable…I don’t think my family has ever really liked her because we have to leave when she says or always do what she requests at events…she comes from a very structured home where at one time her parents slept in separate beds, they had her in there 40’s and within her life growing up she was shown very little passion from her parents marriage …my parents were care free, “get up and dance at a crowded restaurant if they like the song” very passionate people…I am far from perfect by all means…I certainly don’t drink anymore can't stand the stuff or do any major deal breakers but I can be needy and selfish at times…I am a very passionate person who wants sex more then once a month or every other month and a passionate kiss/hug on occasion…any time I bring it up she gets extremely defensive and that usually sets me off and here we go in another 3 hour battle of words…I really do try very hard, I stay in my faith, pray relentlessly, church every week, try to make time to read the bible with her every night from which most of the time she gets angry because she says I am forcing it on her , just gets old and very tiring / exhausting and I know she is as sick of it as I am…she even keeps track of when we make love on the calendar so if I say lets make time for each other she tells me when we last did it…and when we she does make time her comments are “lets hurry up and get this over with” and not getting too personal but I always take care of her first and foremost…she is never into it and I feel like I am just using her to satisfy my needs…very disheartening and makes me feel sick inside…she used to be passionate especially when we first got together but that has been probably lost after the first 4 years of marriage …I almost called it off about 2 years ago as I just got sick of her ridiculous requests and lack of love in our marriage and met someone else and did some things for a about a month that I am not proud of now but I was convinced myself I was done so it was just a matter of figuring out the details which I know was me just reasoning with my guilt…my wife held my son over my head and it would have gotten very ugly if I left the marriage so I decided to stay for my son and broke off the other relationship which I am sure she has suspicions but I never told her…I just don’t know what to do at this point…It just seems like a partnership with a dictator raising a 4 year old and what’s crazy is she wants another child…I have been telling her we are barley making it and the current stress in our marriage this would certainly put us over the top…she says well that’s me being selfish and not wanting to be responsible…I just want to be with someone who wants to be with me emotionally and physically and wonder after all theses years if we are both beating a dead horse…She would blow up and blame me if I said I wanted a separation but I am seeing that I can't make someone love me if they don’t and I don’t know why she just won't throw in the towel as well and especially if she is always right and doesn’t want to try… my son and my faith are pretty much what has kept me in this marriage…again she is not a bad person , does charity work etc…she just is who she is and I just wonder because of my faith / beliefs that I should just continue to suck it up because “Hey” …I married her so that’s the final word and the bible says less adultery or death…how much is enough ? I have prayed that the hole / wantonness in my heart be filled with his love and that works for a time…any advice would be greatly appreciated…
    Absolute's Avatar
    Absolute Posts: 50, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member

    Oct 27, 2008, 01:48 PM

    That sounds like a mess, (no offense intended) I wish I could say something to make it hurt less but I can't. I know that marriage is until death do us part but you have to think about the long run ahead of the long run you've already done. Are you going to last until your 70? Or are you going to split and have a chance of being happy again? Is it worth it? All the pain and maybe even torture of being in a loveless marriage. I mean, you love her right? But you're right, you can't make someone love you, and you sure as heck can't be with someone that doesn't. It's different when your DATING someone, you don't have to love them. But in marriages, it's different, also, think of your son. Is he going to suffer seeing you two fighting, or maybe not seeing bu hearing? He's going to find out eventually. And I really don't think he wants to grow up being fought around or maybe even fought over. If you get a divorce (which I HIGHLY advise) make sure that your child is the highest priority, having the car would be nice; but creating a wonderful life for chilc is even better. I hope you take my advise by heart, because I mean every word of it.
    Absolute's Avatar
    Absolute Posts: 50, Reputation: 5
    Junior Member

    Oct 27, 2008, 01:49 PM
    Oops, sorry. I don't know if you love her or she loves you. Sorry about the 'you love her' part.
    JJB1's Avatar
    JJB1 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Oct 27, 2008, 02:00 PM

    Thank you so much for your response made soooo much sense thank you!
    NoWheretoTurn38's Avatar
    NoWheretoTurn38 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Oct 27, 2008, 03:18 PM
    Hi JJ,

    I'm in a similar situation right now for different reasons though. And actually, I'm the one who wants to make it work and love him dearly and seems he feels the opposite. I, in my heart feel like he's here only for our 4 children which hurts tons. I was the one who screwed things up financially a few years back. I became addicted to lottery and had a serious gambling problem. Anyhow, I wish I could change things but unfortunately I can't undue what's done. I live with guilt everyday of my life since. I'm coming to the realization that the only way I could change him is to first change myself. People usually learn by example and want to be different. Your scenario saddens me. I truly wish I had the right answer for you but I'm looking for that same answer myself. I am not ready to throw in the towel and feel like he is. It's obvious you have a lot of love for your wife and want to salvage your marriage otherwise you wouldn't be here <as Am I > seeking advice and trying to get a solution. I'm sure in your heart you will know exactly when it's "done". As for right now I'm fighting for my marriage and I won't give up easily. Evidently, seems your doing the same. We all know for sure that marriage has its ups and downs, good and bad, we just need to find that "balance". Whoeva said it would be easy?! LOL .
    Anyhow, hang in there, I feel your pain, believe me. Hope I didn't make you feel worse.
    Take Care
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855

    Oct 28, 2008, 10:34 PM

    You will never solve a thing by giving in to all her demands, or plans, all the time.

    Think its to late to stand up for yourself, and expressing your feelings, and being firm in getting your side met for a change?

    People treat you the way you let them. Sounds like you take a lot, and for no reason. She may never change but you can, and you have a half a stake at everything you both say, and do.

    Be a lot more independent, and make it clear your redefining this relationship to be more equal, and fair. No more kids until you do.

    She needs to know where you draw the line, and what you will not go for, and the only way to convey that is through your own self confidence, and self esteem.

    You need to love yourself enough not to just be treated any old way at all.

    Stop letting her bully you into submission, or threaten you into something you don't like.
    JJB1's Avatar
    JJB1 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Oct 30, 2008, 01:20 PM

    Thank you all so much for your insight I think were going to keep tugging at it I just need to be more firm as I am sick n tired of being sick and tired

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