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    sadface's Avatar
    sadface Posts: 153, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Jul 4, 2016, 03:31 AM
    Knowing if its come to an end
    I have come to my wits end in my marriage, 18 years together. wE have 2 beautiful kids but I am hurt, unhappy and sad. But I know I still love him and would kill me to see him with anyone else. Is that a sign that you are not ready to end it all?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,879, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Jul 4, 2016, 03:50 AM
    I have read your other posts, and they were from 2 years ago, so please fill in the gaps of what has occurred more recently, and why.

    Generally the end of a marriage is a time of stress and much emotional turmoil and acceptance of ending any relationship comes after a lot of healing made harder by the time spent and kids involved. Even after you accept the situation dealing with the feelings can be challenging to say the least for many years to come.

    What has happened with you guys?
    sadface's Avatar
    sadface Posts: 153, Reputation: 2
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    #3

    Jul 4, 2016, 04:12 AM
    A lot!
    I suffered a miscarriage in 2014. In 2015 my husband was diagnosed with brain anureysm, roughly same time we found out I was pregnant again. The anuresym could not be operated on in the country we live in so they flew us to London, stayed there for a month, had to leave our son behind with my mom. In that time I was in my first trimester of pregnancy alone in London, was very nausous all the time. My husband had his operation which was successful. However we seemed to distance each other emotionally . Abit of financial problems. He is better now and we have a baby girl who is 8 months old.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #4

    Jul 4, 2016, 04:26 AM
    HI, sadface, yes a lot of traumatic occurrences in such a short time. Have you discussed your feelings with your doctor? You could be experiencing post partum depression which is not uncommon under the circumstances and could explain your feelings right now. I would suggest that you explore this possibility. It is worth a chance.
    sadface's Avatar
    sadface Posts: 153, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Jul 4, 2016, 04:29 AM
    My husband thinks I am too suffering from post partum depression. he told me he is unhappy seeing me unhappy.

    I went to speak to a therapist who believes I have underlying issues due to all the recent stress. She does not think its post partum but cannot rule it out. Our next appointment is in a few weeks and he's coming with me.

    However I would still like to know whether - if we had to break up and I see him with someone else I know that would destroy me, is that a sign of not wanting to break up?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,272, Reputation: 7690
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    #6

    Jul 4, 2016, 05:24 AM
    First see a therapist, they may see it different from you, and how do you know it is not a post partum issue combined with the current. Self deciding your problem is part of the problem perhaps.
    sadface's Avatar
    sadface Posts: 153, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    Jul 4, 2016, 05:41 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck View Post
    First see a therapist, they may see it different from you, and how do you know it is not a post partum issue combined with the current. Self deciding your problem is part of the problem perhaps.
    True
    Thank you
    sadface's Avatar
    sadface Posts: 153, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Jul 4, 2016, 06:14 AM
    Waking up at 130am to find my husband is not home. I called but no answer. Sent message no answer. I could not sleep, he came home at 330am. I was worried too . He said he was hungry so went out to get a burger then went to an out door festival to see a friend ( I know the guy )... is it wrong of me to ask to write me a note just to say he popped out and where.. to save the worry?
    Or is that controlling?
    Should he have gone just for food and forget going to the festival?
    All my friends told me he should have not gone to the festival that's not on and not father / husband behavior..
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
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    #9

    Jul 4, 2016, 08:57 AM
    Please don't create a new ID to post questions here.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #10

    Jul 4, 2016, 09:37 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by sadface View Post
    Waking up at 130am to find my husband is not home. I called but no answer. Sent message no answer. I could not sleep, he came home at 330am. I was worried too . He said he was hungry so went out to get a burger then went to an out door festival to see a friend ( I know the guy )... is it wrong of me to ask to write me a note just to say he popped out and where.. to save the worry?
    Or is that controlling?
    Should he have gone just for food and forget going to the festival?
    All my friends told me he should have not gone to the festival that's not on and not father / husband behavior..
    Sadly only YOU can know if it is at an end for YOU. It might already be at an end for your husband, but not for you. It is an individual feeling that only you can decide.

    As you well know Serious Life Changing Events will affect relationships. Some are strong enough to handle them and get strong because of them, other relationships aren't and they'll break and end because of they aren't able to handle the events. It isn't good nor bad, but just life. You experienced two in short order, being an Aneurysm and a birth of a new child. I think you're still healing from both, as is he. He's probably gone through a lot of thinking and stress about his Aneurysm.

    I think you need to make sure that he keeps the therapist appointment with you. I think you still love him, but only you can say if that is enough.

    As to your controlling comment, I think it wasn't courtesy to leave without writing a note. In my opinion I think your partner, or at least someone, should know where you are in case of an emergency. It is all a matter of expectations. Do you expect him to let you know where he is going? Did you talk to him about this? I think a lot of communication had degraded in the past couple years and you need to fix that.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #11

    Jul 4, 2016, 10:18 AM
    Frankly, looking over your past threads and posts, I think the issues pre-date pregnancy and postpartum.

    What over the years have the two of you done together and/or apart to work through the issues and learn better ways to communicate with each other?

    This isn't new. It is both of you.

    Yes, he should have left a note. However, he may not have thought you would wake up before he got back (Silly, when one remembers there is a young baby in the house) so he didn't think about it. Stereotypical male thinking. Unless he does this all the time, you discuss it together as a couple. You set up an easy way to leave messages for each other. I like a chalkboard or hanging notepad that stays in one place. No fallen/misplaced notes and you know where to look.

    I think there is more to the story. Is this just about not leaving a note or do you think he snuck out to go to the festival and meet up with the friend? Had he mentioned the Festival earlier in the day/evening?

    Do you love and trust him? Is it love or possessiveness? Something to think about.
    sadface's Avatar
    sadface Posts: 153, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Jul 4, 2016, 11:57 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by CravenMorhead View Post
    Sadly only YOU can know if it is at an end for YOU. It might already be at an end for your husband, but not for you. It is an individual feeling that only you can decide.

    As you well know Serious Life Changing Events will affect relationships. Some are strong enough to handle them and get strong because of them, other relationships aren't and they'll break and end because of they aren't able to handle the events. It isn't good nor bad, but just life. You experienced two in short order, being an Aneurysm and a birth of a new child. I think you're still healing from both, as is he. He's probably gone through a lot of thinking and stress about his Aneurysm.

    I think you need to make sure that he keeps the therapist appointment with you. I think you still love him, but only you can say if that is enough.

    As to your controlling comment, I think it wasn't courtesy to leave without writing a note. In my opinion I think your partner, or at least someone, should know where you are in case of an emergency. It is all a matter of expectations. Do you expect him to let you know where he is going? Did you talk to him about this? I think a lot of communication had degraded in the past couple years and you need to fix that.
    Yes I think its courtesy to leave a note, that is all. He thinks I'm controlling.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cat1864 View Post
    Frankly, looking over your past threads and posts, I think the issues pre-date pregnancy and postpartum.

    What over the years have the two of you done together and/or apart to work through the issues and learn better ways to communicate with each other?

    This isn't new. It is both of you.

    Yes, he should have left a note. However, he may not have thought you would wake up before he got back (Silly, when one remembers there is a young baby in the house) so he didn't think about it. Stereotypical male thinking. Unless he does this all the time, you discuss it together as a couple. You set up an easy way to leave messages for each other. I like a chalkboard or hanging notepad that stays in one place. No fallen/misplaced notes and you know where to look.

    I think there is more to the story. Is this just about not leaving a note or do you think he snuck out to go to the festival and meet up with the friend? Had he mentioned the Festival earlier in the day/evening?

    Do you love and trust him? Is it love or possessiveness? Something to think about.
    I would not say he snuck out. I believe him when he said he was hungry so went to get a bite to eat was not tired and went to see our friends at the festival. He did mention it earlier during the day. I just feel abit jealous because he still has the liberty to do such things while I don't. My girl friends usually only do things with the kids and I'm never called up last minute to go out.

    I love him, I trust him.

    I don't understand the part about love or possessiveness? Do I sound possessive?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,879, Reputation: 10852
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    #13

    Jul 5, 2016, 04:58 AM
    I just feel abit jealous because he still has the liberty to do such things while I don't. My girl friends usually only do things with the kids and I'm never called up last minute to go out.
    I really don't understand what this means or see how your girlfriends have anything to do with how you or your husband deal with each other. Please elaborate so we can see if you are being treated unfairly and he makes demands on you that he does not live under himself,or if because of your emotions over react to everything he does and make unfair demands on HIM.

    Some clarity would help because what I get is you both going through some life changing events, and having a hard time dealing with each other, because you are dealing with just yourselves. It's no wonder that the lack of communications is not strong enough to resolve whatever issues you have both INDIVIDUALLY, and as a couple.

    Please explain. Or is this more about your lack of girl time without the kids?? ​Would that help you?
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #14

    Jul 5, 2016, 06:47 AM
    Going out
    Is going out last minute ethical? In the sense, gets a call on the day to go out with the lads, no problem, I cannot join as its too last minute to sort out sitter etc... is it ethical for him to always go when these opportunities arise?

    He tells me to go out, but I never get calls like this from my friends who are all moms too :)

    Its abit difficult for us moms but definitley easier for the dads to plan last minute
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,879, Reputation: 10852
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    #15

    Jul 5, 2016, 07:31 AM
    Hi Krs, glad you have rejoined us, BUT it's really confusing when you go back and forth as (AND I can only ASSUME) as KRS and Sadface.

    He tells me to go out, but I never get calls like this from my friends who are all moms too :)

    Its abit difficult for us moms but definitley easier for the dads to plan last minute
    To answer your query though, couples can make the rules and set boundaries of good behavior they can agree on that makes it easier dealing with each other. If you are jealous because your husband has guy friends that call him for fun and games and you don't, then that is the conflict to be resolved and instead of being jealous, much better to deal with your own friends fun and games plans differently.

    I think it would help you if you just see that this is a very common problem with most wives and mothers, and us guys sometimes don't understand it when it comes to making plans for fun and games with our friends. Don't take it personally because you are the responsible half who thinks of your kids first, because it is a bit unfair of us guys to take for granted our wives being our built in babysitters and have no need to think twice about it when friends come a calling.

    Talk to him about this and MAYBE he can see himself as YOUR babysitter at the last minute when you and the girls want a time for girl fun that just comes up. Until then set your own time when he knows he is babysitting his own kids, cannot make other plans, and it's YOUR time for a break!

    It also helps if you have your own list of last minute babysitters for those unexpected couple outings. Then you won't have to be jealous of the freedom you GIVE him, because you will have your own.

    Make sense? Hope so given he tells you to go out. He sounds like he is cool to babysit already, if need be.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #16

    Jul 5, 2016, 08:18 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by sadface View Post
    Yes I think its courtesy to leave a note, that is all. He thinks I'm controlling.
    Because you're taking away a freedom from him that he assumed he had and you assumed he didn't. You both assumed and this happened. He's not comfortable with the small kid reality he went through with your other children. He's also been struck by his own mortality and wants to experience "life". He is starting to see you as getting in the way.

    I believe this is more of a emotional response then a rational response on his part. The reality of having a kid means that you don't have the freedoms you once had and he doesn't like that.

    Quote Originally Posted by sadface View Post
    I would not say he snuck out. I believe him when he said he was hungry so went to get a bite to eat was not tired and went to see our friends at the festival. He did mention it earlier during the day. I just feel abit jealous because he still has the liberty to do such things while I don't. My girl friends usually only do things with the kids and I'm never called up last minute to go out.

    I love him, I trust him.

    I don't understand the part about love or possessiveness? Do I sound possessive?
    The crux is that you feel jealous. You believe that you should have the same freedoms as him but your life doesn't work like that. That is turning into resentment which is turning into you wanting to have the same constraints on him. Do you tell him whenever you go out?
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #17

    Jul 5, 2016, 09:26 AM
    If you only stay in the marriage because you don't want anyone else to be with him, that is possessiveness. It is controlling and isn't Love. However, I think you do love him and do want a strong marriage.

    Marriage isn't easy. Living with and adapting to the ever-changing needs and desires of another person is very difficult. Add in a child or two and the pressures of traditions and culture and it is a wonder how any marriage survives. But they do. However, it takes both individuals and a lot of compromise through communication. You both have to be willing to adapt. Sometimes outside aid such as counseling or a marriage/parenting class can help. Sometimes, giving yourself time to relax and think instead of reacting helps.

    It sounds like he is willing to help with the children. Do you let him? One of the hardest things I had to learn as a mother was to back off and give my husband a chance to be a dad. Another was to understand that taking care of my needs for time for myself and friends/family was not letting my kids down or imposing on my husband. It did not make me less of a mother to take a long bath, hand a bottle to husband, go out for an hour or two without a child, etc. They didn't forget who I was any more than they did their father when he was at work. I do suggest making certain you both agree on basic discipline and rules. There will be differences in parenting, but with a firm foundation the differences even out.

    I know it can be hard to plan ahead when children are involved, but try planning a Mom's Night out a few days in advance. Don't wait for the other moms to call. Call them. Maybe go into together for a babysitter or two if the dads aren't available. Or maybe have the dads plan a Baby and Me night. No reason they can't get together with the children, is there?

    Like I said before, I have read your past threads. There does seem to be some differences of expectations that could be seen as controlling. It brings us back to communications and compromises. Talk with each other. It is okay to tell him what you need. Remember to listen to what he needs. Don't treat it like a contest of whose needs are greater and more important. See how you can make compromises to support each other and build a stronger marriage. There are no points, winners, or losers. Let me take that back. The children win.

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