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    IS it just me or is the beginning the hardest?

    Asked Mar 16, 2006, 06:27 PM 14 Answers
    I am just curious, did anyone else here have a really tough time with their husband/wife the first couple of years, because boy, I sure am!:( My husband and I had a baby a yr ago and it has gotten really hard lately. Tonight for example he just took off and took out $150.00 out of our account and went to a casino without saying a word to me, then he calls me about an hour ago and says "please don't divorce me, I just blew $150.00" Like that's supposed to make up for it. I am so good to him, I would never even think about doing something like that, I have never ever even lied to him, and I consider myself to be a pretty good wife. There has been many other times where he has done similar things like this... Should I have to put up with this? I mean, I believe in making a marriage work, but I am getting to the point where I am beginning to not give a !@#$ anymore!

    Last edited by RickJ; Mar 17, 2006 at 06:55 AM.
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    jduke44's Avatar
    jduke44 Posts: 407, Reputation: 44
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    #2

    Mar 16, 2006, 06:47 PM
    I think that was pretty inconsiderate of him to do this. I know I wouldn't think of doing gthat without talking to my wife first. One of the reasons is because we couldn't afford it and have 2 kids. How long have you been married? Have you sat down and talked to him about this and other things that are bothering you? Communication is the key. We try to talk about everything. We even started before we got married.

    Oh yeah, to answer your question, yes it is hard and the beginning. It is also hard in the middle and end. Marriage is work but it is good work. You need to constantly communicate and not take each other for grnaite. Compromise is another good attribute in a marriage.

    BTW, your little boy is cute. Did he eat the whole cake? :D
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 80,989, Reputation: 7672
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    #3

    Mar 16, 2006, 07:02 PM


    Actually normally the first few years are suppose to be the best, now the time after a baby gets hard as people are learning their new roles as parents and they discover it is no longer just the two of them.

    And no real men don't take money out of the bank and go gambling, without asking the other people, he is still acting like a boy or even worst someone who is adicted to gambling.

    First if he goes gambling a lot, He most likely has a addiction and needs to get counseling. OF course most people with problems won't admit it, and you will have to keep the money from him so he can't go out and waste it.

    Next neither of you just takes off without telling their partner where they are going, that is not only rude but just not showing any concern on the other person.

    If you two are going to make this work you both have to talk to each other, if you can't do it on your own, you have to get counseling.

    Next there has to be a budget set up for the money and you both agree to live with it.
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    Cgirl's Avatar
    Cgirl Posts: 287, Reputation: 38
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    #4

    Mar 16, 2006, 07:20 PM
    But I have talked to him, I always tell him how it makes me feel when he does things behind my back, I communicate with him but he doesn't with me... that's the problem I guess. He doesn't go gambling very often... maybe a couple of times a year, but it's the fact that he will act like he doesn't have responsibilities at home, like raising our son or being here for us. I mean he is here most of the time but it's like things will be good for a while and then he will do something like this. It is almost like he is rebelling against being a responsible husband and father. He is a very good father to Brennan, but we need to be his priority, and I can tell him this until I am blue in the face, and he will say he will change, but he never does. We probably do need counseling, I mean we have been married only for almost 2 yr's but we have been together for 5 and it seems like it has gotten a lot harder lately. He is a product of divorce, and I do not want to repeat the cycle, especially because of our son. I lost my mom at 12 and I want to be the best mommy to him I can be, and the thought of going through a divorce kills me. I just can't take the dishonesty anymore! Thanks for your thoughts though, I am sure we do need counseling.
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    jduke44's Avatar
    jduke44 Posts: 407, Reputation: 44
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    #5

    Mar 16, 2006, 07:49 PM
    I am not taking his side whatsoever, but maybe there are things that are going on that he doesn't know how to deal with. Again, not making excuses for him but he could be carrying excess baggage from his divorce. You never know what is behind someone's behavior. These things definitely need to be dealt with early. I would take FR Chuck's advice and see if he would go to counseling. You don't want your 1 yr old to suffer from this.

    I do know sometimes when I get overwhelmed with things and I start yelling at the kids for things and sometimes stupid things, my wife has to take mae aside and ask me what is wrong. She calls me on it, and I have to decide how I am going to make it right. I hope things work out.

    Oh yeah, one other thing I learned through a marriage conference I went to, never talk about divorce even if you think it could lead to it.
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    Cgirl's Avatar
    Cgirl Posts: 287, Reputation: 38
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    #6

    Mar 17, 2006, 06:46 AM
    No, when I said he is a product of divorce, I meant his parents had a divorce, this is both of our's first marriage. Both of us had really rough childhoods, and we don't want to repeat the cycle with our child. We want him to have stable life and a good life. Stability is so important in a family. Without it, one ends up all messed up in the head... like my husband when it comes to his dad. You see, his dad is a drug ad****, alcoholic looser who we talk to about once a yr... if that and I just think my husband has a poor self-esteem because of his life, and so he is very influenced by other people. I try to call him on his mistakes but I feel like I am not getting anywhere. But I believe in making a marriage work, and we will get through this. Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.
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    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,930, Reputation: 674
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    #7

    Mar 17, 2006, 06:48 AM
    Hi,
    My first marriage ended in divorce after 7 yrs. We went to a Marriage Counselor for help first, but just too much in the way of both of us being happy with the marriage.
    You both do need to go to a Counselor, and talk about this together. It's not bothering him (2 times a year), but obviously, it is bothering you.
    Marriage is a compromise between two people. I've been married 29 yrs now to a wonderful woman, and "compromise" is the key.
    You say "does things behind my back". Are you referring only to the 2 times a year? Are there things he does quite often "behind your back"?
    A Counselor can help you sort out this, but only if the both of you attend together.
    I do wish you the best.
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    Cgirl's Avatar
    Cgirl Posts: 287, Reputation: 38
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    #8

    Mar 17, 2006, 08:06 AM
    Well happy st. patty's day to you all and thanks for the advice!! :)
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    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,320, Reputation: 1612
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    #9

    Mar 26, 2006, 11:06 PM
    I'm happily married, 6 years on St Patty's. And I think my wife is too. =)

    But.. yeah, I think the first year or two can be tough, and I think the first year or two after a child is born is tough as well.

    Not to generalize too much, but in my experience, women are more likely to seek help when needed. I saw this in teaching. 90% of the students who came for help were female. When things get nuts I internalize. I expect myself to be strong enough to fix whatever it is. Telling words, "strong" and "fix", I imagine.

    My point is, yes, therapy is good advice. If he's resistant, well, what about self help. My wife and I went through a phase when we were not on the same track about money. We went to the library, found a few books that were interesting, and agreed to read them and then talk about them. It got things moving to the right place.

    I'm not saying its going to be any easier to get him to read about relationships... but its another option.

    At the bare minimun make some lists. Great if he's willing to as well. We once wrote out a list of things that frustrated us in the relationship. Look at the list and decide what things are most important, and what you think needs to happen to make a change.

    We had a money blowout once early on. So we restructured our bank account to have a separate acct for "bill money"... mortgage, utilities, fixed expenses... and another acct for "variable, disposable income"... food, gas, fun, clothes, etc. We also talk about our 2 week budget, well, every 2 weeks. If one of us, or both, stray, we know at least the money in the bill account isn't gone or messed with. It helped a lot. Just an example... there was a problem, we were able to find an amicable answer.

    I went off the deep end about 9 months to 1 year after my son was born. I needed more time with my wife, without the kid. Well, we now schedule date nights regularly. We'd occasionally go out before, but not like this. Now we try once a week to have at least half a day to do something together without the boy. Might be lunch, might be the park, might be stay in bed. But its easy to get caught up in the chaos of being a parent. You forget to be with each other.

    I don't know what the other events were... the things like this that he's done before... so I can't see if there's something there to notice.

    I guess you really need to think about the things that are important and try to calmly communicate them to him, and make him help you come up with some answers. If he's unwilling to do that, then that's bad news.

    The good news is, yes, in my experience the first few years were the most up and down. Took some time and work together to get things running smoothly most of the time.

    Best regards.
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    rkim291968's Avatar
    rkim291968 Posts: 261, Reputation: 34
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    #10

    Mar 26, 2006, 11:19 PM
    To many, the first year is the best of the married life. But for others, the first 1 - 2 years could be tough. I've seen many marriages around me which didn't survive the first few years. Once you get over the first few years, you may get into a routine, settled down, and marriage can be worthwhile.

    Personally, my hardest years were years 6 & 7 when my wife and I had lot of dispute on how to raise our only child. Divorce was a real option. Once past that, we have been happily married. We are now on our 19th year.

    Hang in there and try to make the best out of it.
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    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,930, Reputation: 674
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    #11

    Mar 27, 2006, 05:50 AM
    HI,
    As a general rule of thumb, if you make it the first 7 yrs, you have a good chance at the marriage being successful.
    Not always true, but just a rule of thumb.
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    chipster61's Avatar
    chipster61 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Mar 29, 2006, 03:42 PM
    May I ask how old the two of you are. I think age may have a lot to do with it. Not that it really matters because some people never grow up, however they do learn how to adjust their behavior and compromise to make things work. That comes with maturity. (just my 2 cents)
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    orange's Avatar
    orange Posts: 1,364, Reputation: 197
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    #13

    Mar 29, 2006, 04:22 PM
    I would be extremely annoyed if my husband ever blew money like that! Luckily he doesn't gamble or drink. If anything he doesn't spend enough money on himself. I feel really bad for you about that! :(

    I've only been married for a few months myself, although my husband and I have been together for over 2 years. We actually get along very well. We are both extremely busy, independent people... as a doctor he works long hours at the hospital, and I am an artist, and had my own studio and art business until I got pregnant and adopted my niece and nephew. Now I'm a stay at home mom and most of my time is consumed with the kids. I also look after ALL the finances, my husband hands over all monies to me, as he has admitted he's not as good at managing things as I am. There are other things that he does that I don't do, because he's better at them. We have a system and it works well for us.

    I don't know, maybe I've been lucky so far, or maybe things are going to get bad after I have my baby in June. But so far things have been great. We don't fight much, either. I think we don't see each other enough to fight lol. Anyway I'll let you know after I have my baby if things have changed, but I certainly hope not.
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    asking4it's Avatar
    asking4it Posts: 5, Reputation: 2
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    #14

    Mar 31, 2006, 10:40 PM
    :o hello,
    I too am fairlly new to marrige (4 years April 6). YES IT IS HARD!!

    We as human go through our cycles, and when you meet your signifficant other, we are in the "IN LOVE" stages of our relationships. Everything is wonderful, you never fight about anything, everything is so smooth, he says"baby you wanna do this" and you say sure, and visa versa. Because as dating couples you have your separate lives that don't conflict with each others personal living space, and quirks (excluding those who live together before marrage). Before marriage we never think of the small or major things, all we as humans care about is being together. But when we walk down the asle and say " I DO". Then right away reality sets in, we have bills to pay, work to do, chores to do, who does this and who is going to do that. See we never thought of this before we were married did we?
    So we start arguing over this piddley stuff then we start nitpicking ( I will admitt I a giulty of this). This in return, pushes us away from each other, and makes us want to do our own thing, esspecially if it occurs over time.
    And so the more arguing, the more pushing, And we think to ourselves "Why am I with this person, I am not happy, this Is not the person I remember dating" And we give up on our marriages and divorce.

    DO you know that Statistically marriages now days last and average of 2 (TWO) years!! WOW that's outragious!!
    What happened to our Morals, our values to commitment, and then people wonder what is going on in the world.
    And yes it is harder with children, I know of this first hand, I was married three weeks when I got pregnant, so I was a newly wed, adjusting to that lifestyle, and getting used to living with someone else. And then WAMMMMM. You are pregnant with HORMONES!! My marriage was VERY HARD for the first two years, All of the metioned above, I know from experience, But the ending result , I DO LOVE MY HUSBAND, HE DOES LOVE ME! WE loved each other enough that we brought a beautiful son into the world, he is my baby's daddy. We have to remind ourselves why we fell "IN LOVE" with this person, and then transition your love for each other ino "TRUE LOVE" and another thing, I would yell from the rooftop, the biggest secret to a beautiful loveing retationship, is always, always, always put GOD at the top of everything, He is faithful to you, so put trust in him and faith in him when times get rough. He will get you through anything.

    And the money thing, I wouldn't be to hard on him about the money. He was wrong on going behind your back, and maybe you needed it to pay bills or whatnot. But he desirves this to, just as much as we do. Remember the next time your shopping and see "THE SHOES" that you have been looking before, and he's not there, and you get them, it's the same, sitiation, (maybe not as much money, at least I hope not) but still same concept. You can't take it to the grave with you, and if your happy all through life with that same special someone buy your side the whole time, that is the greatest riches ever. I would rather die dirt poor, and happy and at peace with the way my life turned out, then someone who was rich and miserable and angry and bitter about the way their life turned out!!

    On our wedding days, we make promises to each other, and to God, to uphold our marraiges. IT is our duty to stand firm on that promise no matter the falls and glories of it!!

    Good luck and best wishes, I hope this helps in anyway possible for you, I know you can make it!! :o
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    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,668, Reputation: 1707
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    #15

    Apr 1, 2006, 12:51 AM
    I know some people are not going to agree with my answer, but here goes anyway. First of all, as far as money goes. Money is not the most important thing. They say that most couples when they do fight it is about money. Question, Cgirl do you work? Does your husband make the majority of the money? If so that would explain him going to the casino, trying to win money to make better living. Yes, it can become an addiction but even you said it does not happen too much. I do agree, that it is very inconsiderate him not letting you know about going. That he should have done. The communication is a big factor in any marriage or union. Communication if you do not have it then one person will feel unappreciated like you. I do believe that there are times that people need to have it out, and share there thoughts and feelings with each other. In a considerate way, no matter if he is with you are or not. Fighting fire with fire it will burn. Anyway, I am sure things will work out, but it needs to be dealt with immediately whenever it happens. Remember, Through sickness and health, rich and poor and so on. That means through all the rough times and all the bad times. Always need to try to be open to work things out no matter how rough they may seem.

    Joe
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