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    I'm in love with a married woman (understandable story)

    Asked Nov 4, 2011, 06:53 PM 5 Answers
    I happened to fall in love with a 29 year old woman who has been married for 2 years. She's originally from another country, but received her masters degree here in the states. She met her husband in her country after college and dated for 4 months before deciding to get engaged, and months after, they married. He is also from the states, and he was in her country learning to be a chef. They moved to the states leaving behind her culture and family.

    We started as friends and flirted with the fact of a one time fling due to the absence, attraction, and lack of passion from her husband. Her husband has some social anxiety issues, major depression issues, and was brought up very religiously and lacks any sexual excitement toward her.

    I know a couple of her friends and she has brought some of these issues up with them and states clearly that she married the wrong man, (they don't know about her and I, it's very secretive). After thinking it would be a one time "fling" we developed EXTREMELY strong feelings for each other, to the point where we want to do the right thing, which is put a stop to this until time allows it, but we can't resist each other.

    I must note that she does not have any children and simply believes she married the wrong man.

    The reason she won't leave is because of guilt issues that she will be the cause of ruining his life, although she isn't happy,( not only has told me, but it is clear and other people such as mutual friends do not think she is with the right man). Her husband has been married once before and his previous wife left him after less than a year. She has a hard time with these guilt issues, wants to leave, but is trying to stir up the courage to do so.

    I truly love this woman, and would give up anything to make her mine. She deserves someone much better than who she's with. The problem is that she won't leave, and it drives me crazy, because I truly consider her my "girl". I find myself dealing with crazy issues like when she's with her husband, I get extremely jealous.

    She has asked me to be patient, and she wants to wait until they are out of debt, which is within a couple months because she feels that she will be strong enough to leave him without feeling like she left him with lingering burdens.

    I go crazy and act immaturely because of the emotions and feelings that I have developed with her, and have a hard time dealing with the fact that she's still with him. I understand the risk I'm putting my heart through, but feel that it will be all worth it if my dreams come true. From the other side of things, also realizing that if it doesn't happen, at least I can live life knowing that I tried. I truly cherish every moment I have with her. Again, I go crazy with the thought that she is with him.

    Any advice?

    Last edited by talaniman; Nov 6, 2011 at 07:01 PM.
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    5 Answers
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,428, Reputation: 1934
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    #2

    Nov 4, 2011, 07:14 PM
    Yes... leave her alone to sort out her marriage. Understandable story?? I think you are wanting to justify what you know, deep down, is wrong.

    You both made the first mistake of flirting in the first place, considering a fling, and starting a relationship that should never have happened. It doesn't matter how inattentive her husband may or may not be to her... the fact is, she is married.

    Painful, yes... as unfortunately you allowed things to go too far.
    IF, and that is a big if, she does end up leaving him, then you can find out if there will be something long lasting between the two of you... or were you merely an escape from her unhappy life. Of course, seeing if she really does end the marriage or not will tell you a great deal.

    As you said... do the right thing... no more contact of any kind.
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    answerme_tender's Avatar
    answerme_tender Posts: 1,148, Reputation: 689
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    #3

    Nov 5, 2011, 12:13 PM
    Sounds like she doesn't want to leave her husband for you. She is able to keep you on a string by coming up with excuses as to why she is staying. Perhaps she should give her husband a chance of making a choice if he wants her as his wife anymore!
    He may decide to dump her cheating backside. NOT every wife/husband that are cheated and lied too want to have that person back. They actually move on and let cheater get together with the person who didn't recognize the wedding vow boundaries in the first place!! The spouse who was cheated on in time put their lives back together and find happiness. While the person whom cheated with their spouse usually learns the meaning of " what goes around comes back around"!!

    I don't feel sorry for you because the woman your screwing around with goes home to her husband and you don't know what she is doing with him---you put yourself in this situation, now live with it or find your moral code and stop screwing around with a married woman.
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    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,722, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #4

    Nov 5, 2011, 11:46 PM


    Have you considered that she married for the purpose of gaining American citizenship? Could that be the reason that after only 24 months, her marriage has no meaning? I'm wondering if there was no meaning in the first place, except for her immigration purposes.

    And she says her husband has social anxiety, major depression, and lacks 'sexual excitement' toward her- because he is religious? Do you really think this is all one sided? Have you ever met her husband yourself?

    I think you are being groomed to take over when she dumps him. I'm not sure how all that works, and I'm not an immigration lawyer, but at the very least it is suspicious that after only two years in the States, she's talking divorce?

    And if her immigration by fraud (marrying a man she does not love), if she has done that, how she is treating him now with such disrespect, dishonesty, lying and cheating and letting everybody know how miserable she is- what does that say about what kind of person she is.

    I really feel sorry for her husband. I think he's been had.

    And now she has financial troubles that she needs to sort out. Because she wants to 'do the right thing' when she is ready to leave. I wonder what that means- cleaning out the bank account maybe? Whatever you do, please don't loan her money.

    I think you should be highly suspicious of any woman who cheats on her husband. And suspicious of her motives for marrying him in the first place. And if she is the kind of woman she appears to be, and there have been some nagging doubts about the whole thing, maybe dig a little deeper. Do some homework and see what you can find out about her history.

    This sounds like really bad news to me.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,629, Reputation: 10723
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    #5

    Nov 6, 2011, 07:09 PM
    Leave married woman alone. I think its foolish to even think that one who could lie, and cheat on a spouse, would do the same to you also.

    Let me know how long you wait on this one, but the best thing is to get out of her life and stay out. What do you really expect a group of people to tell you, when you are doing wrong on so many levels.
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 80,487, Reputation: 7607
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    #6

    Nov 6, 2011, 07:47 PM


    Sorry no it is not "understandable" it is wrong, She is married and if she wishes to date you, she will leave her husband to date you.
    Helpful (1)

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