I love my husband I really do but there are things in our marriage that are killing me. My husband is on SSI and unable to work due to having two different cancers and diabetis. I work an 8 hour day in an office. When I get home I am expected to ALWAYS make dinner. Due to this I expect my husband to do the dishes and one household chore a day. I figure since 80% of my income goes to keeping our household expenses paid that he can help with the housework. I leave my house at 6am and get home around 5p. I do dinner and straighten a few things and by 6p I really would like to stop having to do things for the night. My bedtime is 9 so I want some downtime. The problem comes in when I ask my husband to do something other than dishes. All I hear is why can't I do something around the house and I feel if he gets to sit around all day he can take care of things there. It is getting to the point where we scream at each other EVERY day. I don't know how much more I can take. I love him but I am starting to hate him too.:mad:

I was just going through the same thing with my boyfriend of almost 6 years and we're not even married. I make most of the money and don't ask much of him but to show some gratitude and help out around the house and with the dog. We fought all the time about chores and how he got to sit around or even go out with his friends, while I stayed home and made sure the house looked great for him. For the new year, I told him that if he refuses to help me out, then we won't last much longer. I told him I was unhappy and stressed and feeling like I did most of the work while he was living the bachelor life. I felt like a mom, nagging all the time, giving him the benefit of the doubt. Seeing that your husband is ill and not just lazy, your situation might be a little different. I hated him and resented him too. My only advice is to let him know how you feel! If he sounds like he understands and wants to make you happy, and work on your marriage, then there's still hope. Start making a list of things that need to be done around the house. Divide it with him (things that he's capable of doing). Write it down on a calendar when they should be done. Now if he says he's uncapable of doing anything because of his illness, maybe you should hire a maid to help you. I take it you don't have any kids to help you out. I hope this helps.

Your husband should be contrinuting to the household - Beyond a pay cheque.

If he is physically able to, he certainly should be cleaning up in the house and making dinner for you when you get home. He should be doing this in consideration of you - you have a limited amount of time and energy beyond your working hours, and he has all day to get these things in order.

I think you have to flat out tell him what your expectations are. Maybe even give him a list every day of items he needs to get done while you are at work.

Be understanding that his illness limits what he can do, but also do not let him hide behind his illness as an excuse to simply be lazy. It's his choice as to how much consideration he gives you, but it's your choice as to whether you will accept it from him.

Something simple for your husband to do would be to even put something in a crockpot in the morning. There are many easy crockpot recipes - online, cookbooks (from the library so you are not expending a lot of money) and those are relatively easy to put together. I used to make the weekly menu, make sure all the groceries were there and let it go at that. When I got home at 5:30, if I did not smell anything cooking, I left the house and came back after an hour or so.

I know what you are saying about the arguing, the stress, the frustration level. Since your husband is on SSI due to medical, is he eligible for any home care services such as homemaker or home health aide? If he was, that would ease some of the duties for you.

If not, perhaps hiring someone for a couple hrs a day might be a blessing - for both of you. Another idea is when you cook, make enough to freeze for another meal. Label the package, have your instructions written down, and your husband could easily put a casserole in the oven.

Aside from that, have you thought of some personal counseling for you? This is an incredibly stressful time and you need to get some balance in your life too. For your husband, perhaps there is a companion service in your city for people who are homebound and could benefit from someone coming in (as a friend).

I know what the toll is on the caregiver. And who is there to care for the caregiver? My prayers for both you and your husband. Best to you.

I can't get in too much detail with this because I may say something that is “unfair” to your husband as well as most men. I will say that as long as he is physically compatible he should be doing around the house as much as you would be expected to do if the table was turned. If that table was turned, I'm sure you would be expected to do all the house work and cook as well. Regardless of his health problems it is not good for a person's body or mind to sit around the house with no responsibilities. He is not only being unfair to you but he is also not doing himself any favors either. I don't know what the answer is to your problem but I would talk to his doctor. If the doctor says it is fine for him to do house work he would do it or he would live in a nasty house and have nothing to eat unless he cooked it himself. Don't listen to me though … I'm getting a divorce because that's how I think and I'm not willing to take too much BS from a mans way of thinking. I knew I'd say too much!

About the counseling - it is not because I think she has a "problem" - it is because she needs someone to talk to, someone who can nurture her. Both the local hospitals run those types of classes for caregivers. Just because she would go does not mean her husband does not have any iosues, but she can get a fresh view from leanring how to take care of herself.

I understand what you are saying and it makes perfect sense, but what I am saying is her husband is not going to see it that way. When I was trying to convince my husband to go to marriage counseling the first words out of his mouth was," Well you're the one with the problem so why should I have to go?!" Even after I explained to him that our marriage was both our problem, months later he still comes up with," You're the one that had the problem, it was a waste of my time and money to go." I'm telling you that is just how a lot of men look at it. I'm by no means saying it may not benefit her to go, it probably would but he needs to realize that he needs to take some responsibility too. It just sounds like he is taking advantage of his illness, being lazy and putting it all on her shoulders. He has a problem and I did not see where you suggested her trying to get him in counseling. Instead you said a “friend”. Why should he get a 'friend' and she gets a counselor? I don't think it's that she needs to learn to take care of herself, I think she just doesn't have time to because she's too busy having to take care of him hand and foot when he is capable of helping himself. Are you one of those woman who think a man rules over the wife and she is to submit to him like he is her king? I'm not trying to be sarcastic, I really want to know.

First of all, I am not one of those women who think the man is the King, the ruler, the be all and end all in the marriage. I am also not saying he does not have a problem. He does. But she cannot change his problems. She can find help for her own well being. Used to counsel women who's husbands were alcoholics and told them that while they cannot make their husband change, the only positive thing they could do was for themselves. Maybe then, after seeing things differently through other eyes, they could develop techniques on getting their lives put back together.

Yes, often that means leaving the spouse because the spouse refuses to admit the problem is his. Kattygirl will get to the point where she says, "enough is enough". She can survive without him. He cannot survive without her.

I am not on her husband's side here. But I am saying if he refuses to help, then she should help herself to some sanity in all this. Maybe if she hired someone to come in and do some of the work she has to, he will change his attitude. Then again, maybe not.

It is not so much about "counseling" in a tradition sense of the word, but learning how to empower one's self to be happy again. To write a new chapter, a better script, whatever it takes to make her feel whole again. To get past the feeling of always having to "do" for her husband. Would the world stop if she did not do all the things she does for him?

I can understand where you are coming from, going through a divorce and all those emotions, but don't place those onto or into what I have posted.

There are programs out there for homebound people and their caregiver/spouses. I sincerely hope kattygirl accesses them. For her own needs and those of her husband's. No one woman can continue to do everything as kattygirl does and not become physically and emotionally exhausted.

Ok fair enough but counseling for her is still not going fix the problem at home or her lack of time for herself. At this point it's not like he is totally unable to care for himself. I'm sorry but being lazy is not the same as being an alcoholic and I do believe she has more power to make him change from not helping out around the house than you give her credit for. I think she can do it with out having to talk divorce.
And PS I didn't say any thing to you about divorce. What I was talking about when I was talking to you was counseling just as you were, but I guess you missed the whole point.

Not to play devil's advocate here, but how disabled is your husband? You say he has 2 different cancers and diabetes. He's too disabled to be employed, hence the SSI, so how much is he able to do around the house? Is he often fatigued or in pain? Do you have any children or is it just the two of you? If it's just the two of you then it's certainly not hard to keep house, cook or clean up after just 2 people. I agree that your husband ought to be able to do dishes or cook for 2. Unfortunately, however, his illness may prevent him from doing much more than that. I can certainly also see your side of things, in that after working a full day you don't necessarily want to come home and do a full day of housework as well. Like I just said, if it's only the two of you there shouldn't be a lot of housework involved. Add a few kids, however, and it's a whole new ball game. Could you try eating out or take out a couple of days a week? That'd cut down on the cooking and dishwashing load. That shouldn't be too hard to afford if it's only 2 of you. Keep in mind that the more you eat or take out, that's proportionally fewer groceries you'd have to buy so your budget should sort of even itself out in that regard.