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    cg1975's Avatar
    cg1975 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Sep 26, 2016, 01:23 PM
    My Husbands ex wife is intruding in our family!
    I am married to a man that I thought was the love of my life. We have been married for three years together four years. When I started dating my husband he an his ex wife were still married in the middle of a divorce an had been separated seven years. Therefore I in no way caused their divorce. However I did try an get along with his ex wife for the sake of his son. Now here we are three years into this marriage an have had nothing but hell from his ex from the min we said I DO!

    MY HUSBANDS SON IS NOW 17 YEARS OLD AN WILL BE 18 JUNE 2017! However his ex wife has done everything she can to keep my husband away from his son. Even with court ordered visitation she has kept his son from him an has his son thinking anything but the truth about his father. She has even went to the extent of saying that while we were dating she was still sleeping with my husband an they were trying to get back together. Yet as I said I know there is no truth to what she says an they were separated seven years when we started dating.

    Recently she has started bringing my step son to see his grandmother an even calling etc, claiming she is giving us another chance to be in my step sons life. However up until this point ever since we got married she has done nothing but everything she could to keep us from seeing or talking to him. Now she is always around, she even took my mother in law to the hospital one day when she was having afib (HEART CONDITION), not that I was upset about that, that would have been fine had she left it at just that. It is more or less that she stayed up at the hospital so that we couldn't go an not see her an she keeps on doing all the things we are suppose to do. Its like while she was in the hospital we could go to feed my mother in laws dog an she will have already done so or tells us oh don't worry I have already took care of that.

    Now here we were the other day having to deal with her being over to see my mother in law when we went to see her, I went out to smoke under the garage an she of course joined me an wanted to talk like we were old pals. As much as I wanted to punch her in the face I acted like a adult an carried on with what I went to do . My Husbands ex wife informs me that my husband is the one that chose to marry me an be with me an that it was not my step sons choice or hers therefore my step son was not going to pay the price for it. So if we want my step son to be in our lives we will have to accept the fact that all holidays birthdays etc will be done with all of us together or he will not be in our lives at all. This of course struck me like lightening and I did not reply. Instead I told my husband and he just was like whatever.

    Then a few days ago my husband was working out of town and ask me why I had not been to see his mom. I told him because I did not feel like dealing with the ex and I just decided to stay home and do things I needed to, my husband got mad an said oh so the hell with mom, that's what your saying. Who gives a ****if she is there she is doing what the hell you should be doing. So how am I suppose to do anything when she is always there and why should I have to deal with her to be in this marriage at all? I could see if his son were a little kid or whatever but he is almost 18 years old ! Its not like he don't understand. The thing is if we don't do what the ex wife wants us to and put up with the way she wants things to be then she fills my step sons head with lies and then he won't talk to or have anything to do with his father. Until this day she says he won't stay the night with his dad cause it's a strange place. I mean really he isn't a little kid the young man is almost a adult an still the whole crowd acts as if he is five years old .

    I am so stuck on what to do or not to do, it is unreal. I mean I am a new grandmother, this will be my granddaughters first Christmas this year, do I really have to share that memory with my husbands ex wife and why should me and my kids be uncomfortable this Christmas and every holiday having to share them with her there. Is it wrong that I am second guessing my commitment to this marriage? I mean if my husband is going to allow it then that says a lot about how he feels about me and him and our marriage and I don't know that I can deal with this. I feel like it puts me and my kids second. I am not asking him to put me ahead of his son but his son is almost 18, he doesn't have to have his mom there.

    Readers can you please give me advice on how to handle this an what I should do. I know my husbands ex wife wants him back and I feel like by doing this its her and maybe his son's way of trying to make that happen. Am I wrong for having a issue with this? Please give me some advice. I am desperate in South Carolina.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #2

    Sep 26, 2016, 02:57 PM
    Paragraphs are your friend.

    Anyhow, if I got this correct, your husband has a son who is almost 18, an ex-wife (how long where they together?), and a wife (you with fourish years of history).

    The primary problem here is the kid and how he is entangled with his biological Mother. They've got 18 years of history, and you've just entered the scene as the person his Father replaced with Mother with. That is the harsh view that he has from his Mother. It doesn't lessen the problem that they've got joint custody of the child. So, she is going to be there. It also sounds like she's part of the family outside of your husband. That is another problem. She's family even though not married.

    What is her story? Does she have a new husband? Is she "Single Mothering" this kid right now?

    There are two things you have to do:
    1). Really talk to your husband. Don't play the blame game. Tell him how YOU are feeling. Don't accuse him or the ex-wife about how or what is happening. This is about you and him. Keep it that way. Let him know how you feel.

    2). Talk to a lawyer about custody and visitation. If he has rights and she's denying him access to the kid... that's illegal and could get ugly. It might have to get ugly for a bit.

    It is hard because this is complex and you CAN'T untangle her from your lives. No matter how much you try. IT is a matter of control and mitigation. You can't accept her proclamations, there needs to be compromise. This might take the form of the three of you (Four?) and discussing holidays. It is important to approach this as an adult. Realize that hurtful things will be said.

    Good Luck
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,087, Reputation: 10852
    Expert
     
    #3

    Sep 26, 2016, 03:29 PM
    Real simple. Tell hubbie to keep his ex out of your life, and you will no longer be where she is and if his mama, and his son, like her better...so be it!
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #4

    Sep 26, 2016, 04:17 PM
    Stay out of it. The adult son will make his own decision about how to handle his relationship with his father. If she brings up these issues, tell her "I'm not getting involved in those decisions and am not going to have side discussions about controversies between you and your son and his father but I would like to get along". Then leave it alone.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert
     
    #5

    Sep 26, 2016, 04:22 PM
    It's kind of late to be all upset about this. In 9 months his son will be an ADULT. There will be zero parental controls in any sense, except for what goes on under the roof of where he sleeps, if he doesn't leave.
    Your job is to stay out of your husband's dealings with HIS son and HIS son's mother. That means staying clear of his ex, regardless of how chummy she gets out by the garage.
    Your job is to make life as uncomplicated as possible for all children.
    If your husband is waffling or not stepping up to the plate, explain as calmly as possible where he needs to do so.
    If you are afraid that he wants to go back to her (I DOUBT IT!!) then tell HIM you want to talk about it.
    I think you are all in a tizzy for the wrong reasons, and making it worse. Show some self assurance and confidence that you can get past this.

    Sometimes everything boils down to money - does child support stop the day the son turns 18? It usually does. Does the ex think your MIL might die, and she wants to make sure some inheritance goes to her grandson? Sorry to bring up awful stuff, but this is why you STAY AWAY. And do NOT go see your MIL at the same time she does! Do you get it? Get out of all this entanglement, fast. It makes no sense anyway, when his son only has 9 months left.

    What you could do that would be GOOD is sit down with his son and say something to the effect that you are sorry that he had to be subjected to all this adult childishness in his most vulnerable teen years, and that you hope he survives it OK, and is there anything he wants to ask you to do that would make it easier for him.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,970, Reputation: 6056
    Computer Expert and Renaissance Man
     
    #6

    Sep 26, 2016, 04:31 PM
    I'm sorry, but I see a lot of red flags in what you posted. The ex had a relationship with your MIL before you came along. She is her son's grandmother. She has every right to a relationship with the MIL.

    Your husband was right to be angry at you for letting the ex interfere with your caring for his mother.

    It also appears that maybe she IS making an attempt. And you can't let go of the past to give her chance.

    The bottom line here is we can't change her. We can only give advice based on what you have told us. You haven't told us what your husband has done to enforced the court ordered visitation. Why hasn't he asked the court to cite her for contempt for not allowing his visitation? Why has he not shown up for his scheduled time with a police officer to enforce the court order/

    You need to lighten up. You need to swallow your anger and deal with her for the sake of your husband and your marriage.

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