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    marilynutter586's Avatar
    marilynutter586 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 21, 2018, 11:03 AM
    My husband is traveling with a female co-worker
    My husband of 14 years began traveling with a female co-worker about 3 years ago. I have tolerated it the best I can, but it's driving me into a deep depression and ruins me for weeks to months at a time. When I start to heal from it, he notoriously does something else to wreck my peace of it.

    I will start saying, he is a very good man. He makes attempts to just keep me quiet, but it FEELS like he's just trying to tuck me in a little safe place, appease me so he can continue to have his happiness in other places of his life. I can't figure out why he does not just leave me if it has come to this.

    He is a boss. He is not required by any means to travel with her. He chooses to, no matter how badly it hurts me. He says it's a money issue for the company, but it is not. He says he just can't stand the thought of it costing them extra gas to travel separately, but the company does not care about this, it's his personal decision. They have a few special places they eat together. Most of the week he's gone with her, they make it a point to enjoy most of their meals together. I know there have been talks about me because I had had some depression issues. He tells her the problems my daughters are going through. He has worked with her many years, but since they have started traveling several times a year, his attitude towards this woman has changed, and he can't seem the recognize it or acknowledge he is hurting me. I can't talk about it to him much because he explodes or starts deflecting the conversation about what a terrible person I am in ways that have nothing to do with the subject of her.

    If she calls and I am present, he makes very sure to let her know I can hear, and quickly. He does not do this with his male co-workers. If he lets them know I can hear, it's always when the conversation is close to ending. If he is going to dinner at any restaurant with visiting co-workers, he'll ask me to go. But, there is this one special steak restaurant, very high end that he has about 4 times made reservations for. He has never invited me to go here. He takes her and escorts her there, then brings her back.

    She had gone on a trip with her family to the Bahamas. He did not know I was aware of this. When she returned, he blurted out to me that he would like to go there. I asked him if he wanted to go because she did. He denied even knowing she went, which is literally impossible.

    He will out of the blue bring her up every so often, knowing full well I don't even want to hear her name at this point. He behaves as if they are in a special "club", attacking everyone else and enjoying hurting another girl's feelings in the office. She had offered him and this woman some cinnamon rolls. They both told her no and thought it was hilarious that it upset her. This woman was just hurt and they belittle her because they say she's a baby and she becomes paranoid by thinking she's being talked about. Well, obviously she's being talked about!

    He will not put the phone down unless I just downright ask. He has a salaried career, so I understand he needs to be reachable. He seems to worry more about taking pictures of his food in restaurants and sending it for others to see, talking on the phone in personal calls. Personal calls in the car, forcing me to listen to the whole conversation on 40-minute drives. The work calls are one thing. This new constant texting, surfing the internet is something newer. I don't mind him doing it at home where it belongs. But on dates, time out in public, our whole entire vacations, on the beach. Yes, his face in the phone at the beach. His work is demanding enough, now he's added this to the situation. I say very little about it because he will not bend or compromise. He just gets super mean with his words and defensive. Actually, the more I write, I can see that he's over me and I don't understand why he doesn't move on. But the hurt and rejection are getting to be too much.
    He's very dismissive when I talk. I don't even know what to talk to him about anymore. If I just try a light-hearted conversation, he only half listens. Many times he answers inappropriately because he has no idea what I have said. If I talk about any unresolved issues that obviously bother me, that has never been truly resolved, he cuts off my conversation in an extremely rude and tasteless manner. I can handle him not wanting to talk about it. I can't handle the way he degradingly tells me.

    I had lost myself in depression for quite a while before all of this. I've lost a lot of years, I don't want to lose anymore. I'd like for it to work, but I can't do this alone anymore. We've lost something and I'm trying to face that. The past 3 years, I have gone into overdrive working on this relationship. I ask myself every morning, "What can I do today to make this mans life a little better?" I'm not perfect. Sometimes, I'm just whipped and I can't do any better than I do. But even though he tells me my efforts do not exist, I can tell you, I truly have focused on this man.

    I wrote a love book for him on Valentine's Day. He said, "Thanks, yea!" Put on the smile, posed for a picture, put it down and it just sat for a very long time until I put in in a drawer. Then, well into many months later, he thought of it and wanted to know where it was and why I put it away. I didn't go into detail, I just said, "Well, you haven't read it, so I finally put it away." Then, as usual, how dare I tell the truth and say how I feel.

    I am drained of trying. I am drained of trying to figure it all out. I am drained of holding my feelings in. I know I should address it but I get attacked every single time. I just can't handle being told what a low human being I am anymore. He doesn't do this to anyone else, just me. Everyone else gets smiles and kindness. He gives me that too, but only if I ignore everything that needs addressed and play like I'm on top of the world. Sometimes I am. And every single time I start getting comfortable, he takes it right out of me by doing everything above.

    I'm writing because I can't go on like this. I'm reaching the point that the hurt, the resentment, the fight for happiness is starting to come to a point of me not caring for this relationship anymore. Not liking who he is choosing to be at all. He's a great person, but I'm coming to the point that maybe he needs to take that energy and give it to someone that he wants to be with. I'm finding myself wanting to put my energy in something that has me completely busy so I don't have time to deal with what's happening. I need someone with nothing invested to help me see what's going on and what to do about it because I cannot do it much longer and I'm giving up. Please help me and thank you for your time.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Sep 21, 2018, 02:30 PM
    What are you doing for your depression? What are you doing for YOUR own happiness. I think for a while you try waking up to make your life better rather than making him your FIRST priority, though I can readily see how such a close working relationship with this female could throw you way off. This Mr. Wonderful may not be worthy of the pedestal you put him on (Actually no one is!), when you are regulated to a rut. Don't you have friends and activities that you enjoy?

    Do you work? If not, why not? You are responsible for your own happiness, and I think not very healthy to depend on someone making you happy if that makes sense. Now, not feeling appreciated for your efforts on some one else's behalf is another story and that would surely have to change. I guess it comes down to how you deal with yourself and your own feelings so again my question... what are you doing about your depression?

    Is he a workaholic? Does he have friends and activities outside his job and coworkers?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,870, Reputation: 5429
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    #3

    Sep 21, 2018, 04:28 PM
    It's time for you to find at least a part-time job and also volunteer at an area animal shelter or nursing home or hospital or grade school. Another idea is go back to school to get a bachelor's or a certification for something or even a master's. Check out the local Y or park district or public library for short-term classes. Meet people, learn new skills, boost your knowledge. And be sure to let us know how you're doing. :)

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