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    Please help. I don't know what to do anymore. My husband read a few texts on my phone yesterday from a former co-worker, that, I admit has been a little too friendly... actually way too friendly up to the point where he has been courting me even though I am married. He started as a friend at work and nothing more and he actually respected my marriage and didn't try anything funny in the beginning. As time went by and especially around the time I left that job (a couple of months ago) he started flirting more and more and sending me texts like "I wish I had someone like you" "You're the best" "My world is shattered when you are not around". I usually used to delete them because--and this is where I realize I have made a terrible mistake--I knew it was wrong of me to have that go on in the first place. To not say "hey, leave me alone, I'm married". I used to go along with it, and sometimes when he said he misses me and misses having me around at work, I'd say I miss him too (because like I said, we did start as friends, and he's a funny guy and we used to get along). Never, not even once did I consider doing anything more than returning his texts (and I know, I shouldn't have stayed in contact with him, but nobody's perfect and that is my mistake). I never went out with him and never did anything else.. basically I never cheated on my husband! I could never do anything like that but apparently my husband thinks I can because last night I went through hell.

    I went through hell because I came home from work and he admitted seeing the texts that morning and basically all hell broke loose: he accused me of cheating and said I'm a nasty cheater and a liar and that I'm disgusting and that he doesn't want to look at me ever again. It got pretty nasty and he even threatened he would kill himself if I didn't leave him alone. He said he's asked me before if there's anything I'm hiding from him (he asked me about a month ago when we were up in Niagara Falls, he said he feels like something is wrong and asked if I'm hiding anything, and I said NO because, honestly, nothing was going on! And there was nothing to hide! What was I supposed to say? I'm getting these texts from a former co-worker and I'm not stopping it because it makes me feel good?) Now he just sees me as a liar and cheater.. he wants nothing to do with me. He left for work this morning but I don't even know what his plans are, if he's coming home or leaving me.

    I've never felt so much pain in my life. I feel like somebody just tore my heart out. I don't know what to do. I know I made a mistake and the fact that: that stupid mistake that could have easily been avoided caused all of this, devastates me and that it is all my fault.

    Now to explain why I even stayed in contact and responded to the texts is a totally different story. For the past couple of years I've been feeling neglected and not loved. My husband rarely ever says I love you. He never compliments me. We never talk. It's like we just live together and love each other (well at least I love him) and that's that. We've been together for a total of 8 years, married 4 years. We've always had problems. We always used to fight a lot.. and he's been through some tough times and I have been through some tough times and I think it has just changed him.. it made me love him even more and want to be with him even more but it seems like our past has just broken him and has put a distance between us. And I guess this is why I am devastated now while he is just ready to up and leave and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

    About the txting, what I'm saying is that I guess I'm only human (and I'm not trying to excuse my behaviour I'm just trying to find some sort of an explanation as to why I would do it) I've been feeling lonely and neglected and feeling like I give love and don't really get it back.. and I guess I was just trying to fill that void. And when this former co-worker/friend started flirting and saying nice things like how beautiful I am and how great I am, I didn't want to cut it off. I liked it, and the only way I could get it is if I responded. Never was I interested in doing anything more with him nor have I cheated or was planning on cheating. I am actually disgusted when I think of cheating on him :( :( I could never ever do it. It's evil and disgusting and I've made mistakes but I have morals and I know when to stop.

    I love my husband so much and I just want to be with him :( I know that we can't go back now and that everything's ruined. What do I do?? He doesn't believe me and he just keeps calling me a liar and a cheater and that god knows what I did and what I am not telling him. He doesn't want me to talk to him and if I walk towards him or get close to him he freaks out and gets kind of scary. He's threatened that if I don't leave him alone and let him be he won't come back when he leaves the house.

    Please help. Please.


    P.S. I know a lot of your are going to say marriage counseling. But that is not an immediate option since he refuses to even talk to me. But even in the future should he choose to speak to me again, he doesn't believe in therapy. So I really don't know what to do :( :(

    Last edited by talaniman; Jul 19, 2009 at 07:40 AM.
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    36 Answers
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,473, Reputation: 760
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    #21

    Jul 16, 2009, 02:40 PM
    You need to say to him what you've told us here. You admit it was wrong that you allowed this sort of communication to continue between you and this ex-coworker. Now you need to let your husband know that you know it was wrong. Apologize to him for these things and try to reassure him that you've never cheated on him and never would. I think a little bit of humility here will mend a lot of fences.
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    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,722, Reputation: 3460
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    #22

    Jul 16, 2009, 02:57 PM


    There is nothing you can say or do to justify what you have, and haven't done.

    What you have done is encourage emotional cheating with an ex-coworker, who 'made you feel good about yourself' as you said.

    What you haven't done, is address issues with your husband before the texting relationship started.

    So, what makes it okay that because you got busted, your husband is the one to blame for all of this, by justifying his behaviour which somehow made you do it in the first place? Surely you knew that every text you got that you responded to was innapropriate. And surely you knew that blocking the coworkers number was the right thing to do for a married woman?

    You didn't do it. You got busted. Now you are figuring things out? Where have you been!

    There are many, many things you could have done if you were unhappy with your husband, and none of them include adding another man on the side.

    If it were me, Im sorry to say, I would not give you the time of day either. At some point, perhaps your husband, who is NOT responsible for any of this second relationship you have going on, will allow you a second chance.

    I think it really was a coward's way out for you; cheap thrills with the phone chat, and no effort until after the fact, to address the problems in your marriage.

    You make it sound so innocent. I don't buy it.
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    SafeHeart's Avatar
    SafeHeart Posts: 53, Reputation: 1
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    #23

    Jul 16, 2009, 07:13 PM
    The trust issues that I bring up is that her husband sounds like he believes she cheated physically with another man, which is usually much harder for a man to take than emotional infidelity. If he was upset about the inappropriate texting that is one thing. But to accuse her of things she said that she did not do shows a lack of trust. So, one of them or maybe both need to work on the trust issues if they want a healthy relationship.
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    susangpyp's Avatar
    susangpyp Posts: 258, Reputation: 73
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    #24

    Jul 16, 2009, 07:42 PM

    It sounds like there is a lot of STUFF here. It's not just your texting, which is not excusable, but you never addressed how you feel neglected or all the fighting.

    When we don't deal with our feelings or the problems with the people we are in relationships with, we start behaving our feelings... our frustrations etc.

    I feel like this is emotional cheating... but it's really a symptom of a bigger problem in your marriage. And if he won't go to marriage counseling, I don't see how this is going to resolve.

    I think that you are to blame for the latest episode but it's really an on-going thing. I think you both need to fix it or forget it... otherwise this round and round is just going to keep going round and round.
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    Nut-ina-choc's Avatar
    Nut-ina-choc Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #25

    Jul 17, 2009, 07:56 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jake2008 View Post
    There is nothing you can say or do to justify what you have, and haven't done.

    What you have done is encourage emotional cheating with an ex-coworker, who 'made you feel good about yourself' as you said.

    What you haven't done, is address issues with your husband before the texting relationship started.

    So, what makes it okay that because you got busted, your husband is the one to blame for all of this, by justifying his behaviour which somehow made you do it in the first place? Surely you knew that every text you got that you responded to was innapropriate. And surely you knew that blocking the coworkers number was the right thing to do for a married woman?

    You didn't do it. You got busted. Now you are figuring things out? Where have you been!

    There are many, many things you could have done if you were unhappy with your husband, and none of them include adding another man on the side.

    If it were me, Im sorry to say, I would not give you the time of day either. At some point, perhaps your husband, who is NOT responsible for any of this second relationship you have going on, will allow you a second chance.

    I think it really was a coward's way out for you; cheap thrills with the phone chat, and no effort until after the fact, to address the problems in your marriage.

    You make it sound so innocent. I don't buy it.

    Seems like I'm just being accused and beaten down by your comments (most of you here). I am not saying what I did was right. I am not giving excuses but I'm trying to look deep down as to why I would have done such a thing. I still do not consider it emotional cheating because I was not involved, in any way, emotionally, with this man. I just liked the attention. And yes, I guess that is a little sick and it's a disgusting way of dealing with my problem in my marriage, but I would never have let it gone any farther than that. I love my husband and I am staying married and made that clear to the former co-worker/friend as well.

    Now what you all don't know is that I DID try to address the problems I have with my husband--how we never have any conversations, how I feel we're just like roomates, how he never shows any affection; but he just always used to dismiss it saying that I live in a Disney world and to snap out of it (saying I love you and wanting to hear "I love you too" instead of "OK" is living in a Disney world? ) I've brought it up numerous times, jokingly and non-jokingly. And this has been missing from my relationship for a long time already. Again, I am not making excuses and blaming him, I am just explaining a little more about our relationship and where I am coming from.

    Never did I say that I was right and what I did was right, I am just trying to look at myself and really ask myself how could I let this happen? I was lonely, I was feeling neglected and I was weak and stupid with how I dealt with it, knowing that what I was doing what wrong while I was doing it. I'm only human, and I made a mistake. I did not cheat however, and I will stand my ground on that one.
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    Nut-ina-choc's Avatar
    Nut-ina-choc Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #26

    Jul 17, 2009, 07:59 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by SafeHeart View Post
    The trust issues that I bring up is that her husband sounds like he believes she cheated physically with another man, which is usually much harder for a man to take than emotional infidelity. If he was upset about the inappropriate texting that is one thing. But to accuse her of things she said that she did not do shows a lack of trust. So, one of them or maybe both need to work on the trust issues if they want a healthy relationship.
    That is true safeheart; he would always snoop online to see what sites I browsed, etc. And he does believe that there is more that I'm not telling him and that I did more and that I'm lying, when I'm NOT and never did. But his trust is broken (I don't blame him after those texts) and he doesn't believe a word I say. However, on the other hand, I really did not cheat, and I am being accused of way more than what I really did. And there's no way out of it now, no way to fix it until he decides to trust me again, and trust what I'm saying... and I don't see that happening anytime soon.
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    susangpyp's Avatar
    susangpyp Posts: 258, Reputation: 73
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    #27

    Jul 17, 2009, 08:05 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Nut-ina-choc View Post
    Seems like I'm just being accused and beaten down by your comments (most of you here). I am not saying what I did was right. I am not giving excuses but I'm trying to look deep down as to why I would have done such a thing. I still do not consider it emotional cheating because I was not involved, in any way, emotionally, with this man. I just liked the attention. And yes, I guess that is a little sick and it's a disgusting way of dealing with my problem in my marriage, but I would never have let it gone any farther than that. I love my husband and I am staying married and made that clear to the former co-worker/friend as well.

    Now what you all don't know is that I DID try to address the problems I have with my husband--how we never have any conversations, how I feel we're just like roomates, how he never shows any affection; but he just always used to dismiss it saying that I live in a Disney world and to snap out of it (saying I love you and wanting to hear "I love you too" instead of "OK" is living in a Disney world??) I've brought it up numerous times, jokingly and non-jokingly. And this has been missing from my relationship for a long time already. Again, I am not making excuses and blaming him, I am just explaining a little more about our relationship and where I am coming from.

    Never did I say that I was right and what I did was right, I am just trying to look at myself and really ask myself how could I let this happen? I was lonely, I was feeling neglected and I was weak and stupid with how I dealt with it, knowing that what I was doing what wrong while I was doing it. I'm only human, and I made a mistake. I did not cheat however, and I will stand my ground on that one.
    Maybe the question needs to be why you're staying in this marriage if so much is missing. Perhaps the on-line relationship is just a big red flag that you need to get out.
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    Nut-ina-choc's Avatar
    Nut-ina-choc Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #28

    Jul 17, 2009, 08:28 AM
    Just an update.. things are really bad as you know. He won't talk to me, look at me or let me go near him. And he's lost control a couple of times. It's never been this bad between us, and since he will never consider therapy I figured the only way to solve this is to get somebody else involved, because he won't listen to me. He has a lot of respect for his older brother (who lives on the other side of the planet, but anyway) so I called him, and his cousin and told them what happened, and I told them what I'd done and they said they would help us fix this. His brother called him a few times yesterday and talked to him. I think he calmed him down a little bit, but we still have a long way to go until he even decides to look at me again. They told me that I was stupid and weak and should never have let that happen, but they were also surprised to hear all the details about our relationship, and all the problems we have... they agreed that our past has a lot to do with what just happened. They said they believe me that I haven't done anything beyond the texting and that they are going to keep talking to my husband and try and get him to realize that too and slowly repair his trust.

    I'm trying to be optimistic and believe that it's going to be OK, even if it takes a long time, but I can't help but think negative because something like this has never happened before, and his trust is broken and I really think he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

    Personally, I know what I can do in the future to make our relationship better, but there's also a lot that he can do (down the road once we're somewhat ok) as well. I can give and give but when you're not getting anything back you stop giving and when you get really lonely and depressed you start doing foolish things. I've learned my lesson and once this is repaired (if it will be) I know what I can do to make it better and what I should never ever do, even if I'm feeling way down and lonely. I'll let you know what happens. But right now everything's still fresh and raw, and he's so angry I can't tell what his plans are. :(
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    artlady's Avatar
    artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 1477
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    #29

    Jul 17, 2009, 08:30 AM

    I don't think anyone is trying to vilify you here, and I think what is disconcerting is that you have this denial that you were not emotionally cheating and many of us see it differently.
    A quick definition of emotional cheating is :

    Though it may not seem like it, emotional infidelity is a betrayal of your partner - even though it’s not like a “real” affair with physical intimacy and intercourse.
    It is all semantics ,at any rate.The problem I have is that while you admit you did something wrong,you are still justifying the behavior by stating that you were vulnerable due to your husbands lack of communication and lack of affection.

    I understand all of that and how you fell into this meaningless relationship because of that .

    You should have chosen another way to cope with your feelings of rejection. I hope that if your marriage survives this you choose therapy,if only for yourself, to understand if you can cope with his indifference and if not how you are going to proceed from there.

    Your post sounded very one sided ,like it was all about you and how you were hurt and how you were terrified he was going to leave.It came off as being a kind of me me kind of thing.I think that is where you may have lost some compassion.

    Hopefully,down the road ,your husband may come to understand that his indifference needs to be put in check and that you both need to work on communication,lest your marriage fall to the wayside.

    Marriage is work,hard work.Loving is the easy part ,the rest takes maturity,commitment and a willingness to work on issues before they escalate.

    I hope you do not feel we have ganged up on you as I know that was not the intention.Rather some of us were attempting to help you to see this from a different perspective.

    What is Emotional Cheating? Spouses Who Talk Intimately With Others are Committing Infidelity | Suite101.com
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    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,722, Reputation: 3460
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    #30

    Jul 17, 2009, 10:33 AM


    When you went to Niagara Falls with your husband, and he asked you if anything was wrong, you said, no. That makes you a liar.

    When you said this: "My husband read a few texts on my phone yesterday from a former co-worker, that, I admit has been a little too friendly... actually way too friendly up to the point where he has been courting me even though I am married. He started as a friend at work and nothing more and he actually respected my marriage and didn't try anything funny in the beginning. As time went by and especially around the time I left that job (a couple of months ago) he started flirting more and more and sending me texts like "I wish I had someone like you" "You're the best" "My world is shattered when you are not around".

    That makes you a cheat.

    Have you ended the relationship with the co-worker?

    How did he react, is he married by the way?

    If you husband picked up on the fact that you were unhappy, and you failed to have a conversation with him, you missed a golden opportunity to do some mending. But you kept the relationship with the co-worker a secret instead, and left your husband in the dark.

    Turns out he was right. All he needed was proof, and you forgot to delete some messages, otherwise he'd still be wondering.

    I am also suspicious that had your husband not checked out a few things on your phone, that your relationship with the co-worker, would have (if it hasn't already) resulted in meetings and phone calls.

    I don't know that you are serious about your marriage enough to let the co-worker go, and get yourself into therapy to see why you don't hold yourself accountable for your own actions. While your behaviour has put a justifiable wedge in your marriage, it was caused by you.

    That your husband has been betrayed, lied to, cheated on, and finds himself in the unfortunate position of you blaming all of this on his shortcomings, it will be very difficult to just get over it.

    You have to be able to understand why you chose to do what you did, what the damage was, and why, and work on yourself in order to understand what it is you need to learn, and do, in order for your marriage to work.

    IF that's what you want.
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    SafeHeart's Avatar
    SafeHeart Posts: 53, Reputation: 1
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    #31

    Jul 17, 2009, 12:59 PM

    It is just my opinion, but I do not think that the wife is 100% responsible here. I mean, she might be, but passing that judgment without finding out both sides of the story is not fair to her.

    I agree she could have found what she was looking for if she just got a pet or something... lots of women do not have men in their lives and find ways to make themselves happy! Also, she probably does not know what her husband is and has been up to. To me, one instance of emotional infidelity is not a valid reason to get a divorce. There has to be much more negativity in the marriage than just her mistakes. Also, this may be a very young couple who have come from dysfunctional homes and need to learn appropriate relationship skills.

    My heart goes out to you Nut-Ina-Choc. And, if you get a chance to save your marriage, please learn better ways to relate to him and hopefully he will learn from you.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 51,658, Reputation: 10726
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    #32

    Jul 19, 2009, 08:23 AM
    From what I have read this is but the culmination of a lot of bad behavior on both sides.

    I think the raw emotions on both sides make it clear, neither of you is ready, or able, to think clearly or calmly. I know you can now recognize your mistakes, as your paying the consequences, but you must be patient, and let his anger run its course, and that will take longer than you want, no doubt.

    I am a big believer in acknowledging the mess you made, and forgiving yourself, That's a must for right now, as its one thing to be humble and full of humility, and quite another to be a doormat, and though you may of done a very bad thing in desperation or whatever reason you believe, you had better clear your head for what lies ahead, as depression is not an option, and you better deal with it.

    Okay your husband is pi$$ed, and won't talk to you, completely understandable, and since he won't get help for himself, why can't you get it for yourself???

    You can do a lot for your own good, by seeing that counselor, without him. Thats better than being depressed, and alone, and worrying about the end of the world.

    I think that's what you do while you wait for his emotional dust to settle. One of you will have to learn how to communicate better, so get busy, and help yourself with some positive actions.
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    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,506, Reputation: 4594
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    #33

    Jul 19, 2009, 09:03 AM

    I don't see any need for the husband to seek therapy here - of course, I agree, "we" only have one side of the story.

    The wife lied and emotionally cheated and she thinks her husband has a problem and needs therapy?

    I think she's the one who has to work out her own demons before she can work on his - and I still think she pitted two men against each other for purposes of satisfying her ego.
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    jham123's Avatar
    jham123 Posts: 77, Reputation: 20
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    #34

    Jul 29, 2009, 12:04 PM

    If He is like me, He will remain angry until she fully accepts the culpability of her actions... bringing a third party into the Marriage...

    Accept that a wrong action has occurred. Admit and fully understand that is was wrong and let him know that you understand fully... And ask for His forgiveness so you can start fresh and move forward...

    I guess to some that would be seen as weak and giving a "Man" too much power...
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    SafeHeart's Avatar
    SafeHeart Posts: 53, Reputation: 1
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    #35

    Jul 29, 2009, 12:15 PM
    Admitting that she made a mistake and asking forgiveness does not sound weak to me. It sounds very strong. Also, this would give the "man" no more power in the relationship than if the roles were reversed and the man had to admit a mistake and ask for forgiveness.

    Your answer sounds like good advice to me.
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    jham123's Avatar
    jham123 Posts: 77, Reputation: 20
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    #36

    Jul 30, 2009, 07:47 AM

    He who is sorry for having sinned is almost innocent. -- Seneca
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    rolexi's Avatar
    rolexi Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #37

    Oct 22, 2010, 12:11 PM
    I talked to a guy when out with friends and we chatted on emails but I stopped when he started flirting. My husband read the emails and said I must have cheated with him. He said I was all sorts of unrepeatable things. I didn't cheat and think that I am allowed to have male friends right. Apparently not. I took a night of hell and abuse and he is leaving me because of this. I hate modern tech and think it accentuates things and lets others read between the lines and come up with wrong picture of the situation. I think that an insecure partner is going to flip and judge by his own standards. I agree with you I don't think you cheated emotionally I think you made a mistake to let it continue but here's the thing you needed the texts and your husband should have been telling you all of those things. Unfortunately you can't breath these days without it being recorded and held against you.
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