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    MsSaraB's Avatar
    MsSaraB Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 30, 2013, 11:00 PM
    Husband takes too long out on his free time
    Hi, I'm just wondering if I'm being silly or my feelings are "right".

    My husband is in a band and they play gigs in town 1-2x a month. He goes to practice 1-2x a week. However when he does he leaves at 6/7pm right after dinner after coming home from work and isn't back until midnight or later!

    I feel like that's too long for band practice. It's not that I suspect him of cheating in me, I just feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I recently went on maternity leave from my job and I stay at home all day doing house chores and making sure dinner is ready when he arrives home from a long day at work. I am "okay" with the fact that he has band practice but I feel like he's gone way too long, and it's inappropriate for a husband to come home past midnight. He does make time for me and we do spend time together, it's just during band practice day I get upset that it's 6+ hours!

    Am I being a weirdo?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692
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    #2

    Oct 1, 2013, 01:44 AM
    So what time is the practice actually over ? Are they really practice for 6 hours ? Are they going out doing other things ? Are you free to go to the practice with him ?
    He is also doing work around the house ?

    Does he actually make any money from the band ? I know my wife, has played for years and even on tour, often just broke even with hotel and travel costs
    MsSaraB's Avatar
    MsSaraB Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Oct 1, 2013, 05:21 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck View Post
    so what time is the practice actually over ? are they really practice for 6 hours ? are they going out doing other things ? Are you free to go to the practice with him ?
    He is also doing work around the house ?

    Does he actually make any money from the band ? I know my wife, has played for years and even on tour, often just broke even with hotel and travel costs
    Thanks for your reply.

    He doesn't get paid for his gigs, they're usually for charity events like anti bullying rallies or the boys and girls club. He isn't trying to "make it", it's really his hobby.

    As for the practice, the drive to the guys house who orchestrates everything (he pays for all the travel, equipment, lighting system, instruments even, etc) is an hour away out in the country. The guy has some deep pockets and sees this as one of his passions.

    My husband has invited me over but I'm pregnant and I don't feel like sitting in a studio watching guys be guys while I just sit there hoping to go back home. I do support his hobby, I don't have an issue with that it's the duration of time that he's there.

    He tells me sometimes they don't get to practice right away, they start talking and drinking a few beers (he doesn't come home plastered) and just hang out. From what he has told me they stay there at the studio/guy's house.

    My husband does help with housework, he'll do his own laundry from time to time, wash dishes, etc.

    Bottomline: is it appropriate for him to be gone for so long and come back so late? I don't fear that he's hiding anything or is unfaithful, I just am not very comfortable with the length of time he's gone out like he's some sort of bachelor.

    I don't have friends or family where we live and I don't have any hobbies as well, so I am home quite a lot alone and feeling shafted. I know that partially I may feel this way because of that fact. But I also know if I had a hobby or friends I wouldn't be coming home past midnight or be gone for that length of time.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #4

    Oct 1, 2013, 05:29 AM
    Yes, I think you are over reacting.

    The problem with over reacting to his time away from home to practice is, it will grow into a monster of a problem, if you let it. Resentment will set in, arguments will ensue, and he will find himself being defensive of his being away from home, where he doesn't have anything to be defensive about.

    You may think that band practice goes on far too long, but your husband, and the other members of the band, would disagree. In other words, it has nothing to do with you, about how long they decide to practice.

    If you were to make this a big problem, and he quit the band, what then. He'd be home, and he'd be miserable, instead of the good husband you say he is. Again, it would be understandable if that were to happen, that he would be resentful.

    It's important that you extend enough trust and confidence in him, and what he does, and find other ways to occupy your time while he's gone. I know how difficult and lonesome it is being home raising a baby. It is so easy to get into a rut.

    But as to the 'problem', I would let it go.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5645
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    #5

    Oct 1, 2013, 06:35 AM
    I, too, think you are over reacting.

    Lets break this down. You say he is gone 6 hours when he has practice. The guy's house they practice at is an hour away. Two hours round trip. Now he has 4 hours left to practice. If they chat and drink a couple of beers for, say, an hour, they now have 3 hours of practice.

    I think it's time to let this go. Your husband sounds like a good man who is trying to do good things with his talent.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
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    #6

    Oct 1, 2013, 07:05 AM
    I think you're overreacting. Considering the travel time, it's not that long at all.
    I used to belong to a reading reading group and we would go on for three hours sometimes.
    I think because you have had a baby and feel some what isolated you feel this way. Make some friends (maybe a new moms group) get a hobby yourself. That will help.
    MsSaraB's Avatar
    MsSaraB Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Oct 1, 2013, 07:26 AM
    Thanks guys.

    I haven't expressed my feelings to him, or even made him feel bad for going to begin with. I didn't want him to feel guilty for leaving and start resenting me. It's been something I kept to myself because I wasn't sure whether my feelings were silly.

    Before this marriage I was married to someone else it was very toxic; loads of emotional and mental abuse, infidelity--- it was just horrible. So sometimes I feel that I carry those fears with me in this marriage. It's a working progress and I can say I do honestly try not to make my past sabotage my future.

    I am really glad to hear that I am being a weirdo and it's not an issue. Now I can move on and know there's nothing to be worried about.

    Thank-you.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #8

    Oct 1, 2013, 05:50 PM
    Over reacting. I spent a couple years helping with band practice. They spent more time hanging out than actually practicing. Now if he were acting like you were not allowed to go that would be a different story. You have an open invitation that you choose not to take him up on. Maybe you should go once in awhile, it would put your mind at ease, I think.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #9

    Oct 1, 2013, 06:02 PM
    I have to disagree with everyone else. You're on maternity leave, which means you have a baby at home. It's not easy being a mom, especially to an infant, with no help, and from the sounds of it he's either at work, or at band practice. I can understand that you're upset about this. I would be too.

    If this is a hobby, and it won't be a career, maybe it's time to tell him that you need some help at home.

    It would be great if you could go, but how to do that with an infant, that's the trick. Infants usually aren't welcome at gigs or practice. So even going once in a while, isn't really logical.

    I think it's time for him to get his priorities straight. His priorities should be with his family, his wife and child, not with a hobby that takes much of his time.

    Either that or you keep pretending that you're okay with him being gone most of the time, leaving the hard stuff to you. Wouldn't you like a night out 1-2 times a week? Wouldn't you like to be able to walk away from all the responsibilities of being a parent, and keeping a household together? He does that without consideration to you. You have no choice in the matter. Someone has to stay home and take care of the grown up things, like children.
    MsSaraB's Avatar
    MsSaraB Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Oct 7, 2013, 08:38 PM
    Hi guys, thanks for your replies.


    I just wanted to make it clear that I haven't HAD the baby yet. I'm on early maternity leave due to complications in my pregnancy. I have 1 1/2 months left to go until the baby comes.

    As for his band thing well I just found out that he has 4 shows this month alone. And this does make me upset because this means more practice time and more weekends where he's gone from 4/5pm to set up/rehearse until like 3AM.

    I just don't feel like it's appropriate behavior for a father to be/husband.

    I went to his last show and I enjoyed seeing him but there's no way I'll want to go to his bar shows all pregnant feeling like I have to monitor him to make sure he goes home.

    I do not like this situation. I feel so irrational about it but I just feel like 1-2x practices a week plus these 4 shows is just too much for a hobby...

    I don't know how to "get over it" .
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,240, Reputation: 10853
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    #11

    Oct 7, 2013, 08:44 PM
    Got family or friends to keep you company? That's better than waiting for him to get home while you talk things through and reach a reasonable compromise.
    MsSaraB's Avatar
    MsSaraB Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Oct 7, 2013, 08:54 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Got family or friends to keep you company? That's better than waiting for him to get home while you talk things thru and reach a reasonable compromise.
    No unfortunately I moved across the country and all my family and friends are about 3000 miles away from me.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,299, Reputation: 5645
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    #13

    Oct 7, 2013, 09:12 PM
    I was in your shoes once. The only difference was that my husband was a hunter in Alaska. We moved about 3000 miles away from all friends and family.

    I moved there not knowing anyone and he would go out with his buddies hunting for an entire weekend leaving me to my own devices. I didn't know anyone, I didn't even know how to get to the local grocery store.

    I feel your pain. I know how hard it is. Yes, I was pregnant too. 23 years later we are stronger than ever. I'm not going to agree or disagree with anyone who has posted because they haven't been in the same situation we are/were. I can only offer support.

    It's hard when you are so far away from friends and family. You are pregnant and hormonal, and I get that. I remember that feeling.

    This music is his passion, he does this for charity, and you know he is not cheating. He is making people happy, hopefully he is raising money and making people aware of causes as well.

    Is he being selfish? Maybe. Have you tried to talk to him about your concerns this late in your pregnancy?
    MsSaraB's Avatar
    MsSaraB Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Oct 8, 2013, 04:21 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by J_9 View Post
    I was in your shoes once. The only difference was that my husband was a hunter in Alaska. We moved about 3000 miles away from all friends and family.

    I moved there not knowing anyone and he would go out with his buddies hunting for an entire weekend leaving me to my own devices. I didn't know anyone, I didn't even know how to get to the local grocery store.

    I feel your pain. I know how hard it is. Yes, I was pregnant too. 23 years later we are stronger than ever. I'm not going to agree or disagree with anyone who has posted because they haven't been in the same situation we are/were. I can only offer support.

    It's hard when you are so far away from friends and family. You are pregnant and hormonal, and I get that. I remember that feeling.

    This music is his passion, he does this for charity, and you know he is not cheating. He is making people happy, hopefully he is raising money and making people aware of causes as well.

    Is he being selfish? Maybe. Have you tried to talk to him about your concerns this late in your pregnancy?
    Yes I have talked about it with him and nothing has really changed.

    He's not doing it for charity, the guy who orchestrates the whole thing and books the shows is simply booking shows anywhere to get his band known. He has business cards, key chains, shirts, bumper stickers.

    It's not a hobby for him, he wants to "make it".

    I feel very uneasy. I don't mind his hobby, I mind the amount of time put into it.

    I hate conflict. I hate feeling like I'm nagging. I hate feeling like I'm complaining. I feel terrible for feeling this way. But I know I just don't want to end up being at home with the baby 24/7 when he gets to have his me time on a very constant and regular basis. I don't have this option nor would I would be wanting to taking as much time as he is.

    I understand a hobby. I understand a "guys night" once a month. I understand booking a show here and there.

    I feel so stressed and all alone. I don't know what else to do.
    MsSaraB's Avatar
    MsSaraB Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Nov 2, 2013, 02:46 AM
    I cannot do it any longer. I just can't. Last night he came back from one of his shows that was 2 hours away. He came back at almost 4AM, and tonight he had another show and he promised he'd be home by 2AM.

    The night before, that day we were waiting on his paycheque to come in (direct deposit isn't an option right now) and I was starving all day--- we were literally flat broke and had no money to buy groceries. His mom ended up dropping off pizza which my 8 month pregnant body rejected as I eat a predominately clean diet and as good as finally eating felt that greasy pizza was just not what my body needed.

    He left with his band mates in their band van and I spent all night crying, alone and starving.

    We got groceries this morning now that he got his paycheque and I can't help but be upset with him for leaving me last night and doing the same tonight.

    It's selfish and I hate having him come home drunk. I just can't do it anymore...

    What's worse it today is our anniversary so I know he's probably going to come home and spend the rest of the day tomorrow sleeping off the alcohol and trying to catch up on some sleep.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,240, Reputation: 10853
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    #16

    Nov 2, 2013, 06:42 AM
    I get being poor and pregnant and feeling alone and powerless. But you need a better coping plan for yourself, that doesn't depend on just him and what he does. I honestly think he wants to get paid from his hobby someday and has to put the time and work into it first.

    Your isolation from having a good support system to lean on through this life changing event needs correction. Just a friend or neighbor too cook/buy you a good meal instead of a pizza maybe. But I understand the frustration of the situation.

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