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    Greeneyedbeauty's Avatar
    Greeneyedbeauty Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Oct 31, 2016, 03:49 PM
    Husband says he's done! Help??
    My husband and I have been married for two years, we are both 27 years old. Last weekend he told me he's "done" with the relationship. Yes, most of it is MY fault because I have been extremely unemotional and insensitive and he has brought this up a few times before. However I didn't realize the only reason I was like that was because my antidepressant was making me numb.. I stopped taking my antidepressant a few weeks ago and I feel emotional again.

    The past week has been complete hell.. he doesn't want to talk.. when I told him I stopped taking my antidepressant his response was "too little too late." I know I messed up but now that I know the cause of the problem and have fixed it he isn't willing to work on things. He sleeps on the couch instead of in bed, tries to avoid me and said that one of us needs to move out. However when I started packing a few days ago (to see his reaction) he started crying. I know he loves me and he's told me that he still does. I'm so lost.. but I made the mistake of crying hysterically in front of him and begging him not to leave (I've read that actually pushes the person further away.)

    Also he hasn't told anyone or his family about his "decision"... what can I do? I can't keep pushing him to work on it because when I do he says it's too late. I love him so much and I know I hurt him. Please help!
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,591, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    Oct 31, 2016, 04:38 PM
    Somewhere behind the antidepressant is a reason for being prescribed a drug in the first place. Being extremely unemotional and insensitive can't be blamed more than a little bit on the drug - most of it is your personality. "Feel emotional again" isn't a cure for whatever in life is making it difficult, and I suspect that you were injecting some hope into what you thought was getting your emotions back. Yes, I know that many drugs do dull emotion, but that's still you underneath. And antidepressants aren't the heavy hitters like the antipsychotics are. You shouldn't be markedly dull or markedly 'emotional again.'

    I think that might be what he means by 'too little too late' - he realizes that your story is too easy, too simplistic. He knows that chances are that you will be the same person. It might work out for a month or two, but you will both fall back into the same behaviors.

    However, I can't read his mind from here, and this is about you. I hear nothing here about actual heart to heart talks. You stop the drug to fix your emotions, and you start to pack to see his reaction. If he won't talk, chances are that you aren't approaching the talks in a gentle way.

    Ask him to talk. Let him do all the talking for at least 30 minutes or so, and just ask little questions, such as where do you think it went wrong. DO NOT start defending yourself. Do not start in on him either. Just let him get it out. You invited him to talk, so he goes first. Then, after it's all out, you talk. DO NOT say a single thing about making it work. Pretend there is a marriage counselor in the room, and you are thinking of getting a divorce. If you start in on all the 'buts,' you will ruin it. If you have couples counseling available where you are, suggest that. You will learn how to TALK. That's all it is, tell him. Not someone deciding who is right or wrong.

    Has he ever been treated for depression too?
    Do you have a place to move to, even if temporarily?
    Do you both work?
    Can he afford the rent alone?

    If you reach the decision that it might be good to separate for a month or two or three, having solid logistics for moving and finances help a lot, cold as it sounds.
    We are entering a big holiday season, and that magnifies every little problem, and loneliness is horrible.
    Put that into your logistics plan too.
    Keep us posted here?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert

    Oct 31, 2016, 05:35 PM
    Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to joypulv again.
    Joy hit the nail on the head.

    I've been on anti-depressants for around 15 years now, and it's never affected my personality. If anything it's made me a bit more pleasant than I was before I was on them.

    If the medication is turning you into someone different then you need to discuss this with your doctor. Your doctor should be monitoring the effects the medication is having on you, and it never should have gotten this far.

    Fact is, you really can't blame this on the medication. If you were an unemotional person before, then that's your personality. Also, going off the meds without talking to your doctor is very dangerous. You can't just quite cold turkey, that will have adverse side effects.

    You can't lose control when talking to him, you're being either aggressive or passive aggressive, and that's not a good way to communicate. You both need to sit down and talk like adults, not get emotional, or start packing hoping that he'll stop you. You have to be a grown up and deal with this marriage as a grown up.
    Greeneyedbeauty's Avatar
    Greeneyedbeauty Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 1, 2016, 08:56 AM
    Thank you for your responses. And yes the antidepressant does have the affects on me that I mentioned.. my doctor did a DNA test and I actually get all the adverse effects of antidepressants. I've also researched this and have read forums where people have said they also became very unemotional.. I've been off it for a couple weeks and I am feeling myself again.
    Obviously everyone responds differently to medications and I know how it made me feel. To answer your questions- no he's never been treated for depression. I wasn't even depressed.. I was put on it for my anxiety. Yes we both work... we don't pay rent, we have a mortgage. I keep trying to talk to him... calmly.. but he either doesn't want to talk to me or when he DOES talk he just keeps saying he doesn't believe that I actually changed and shoots me down.
    I love this man more than anything, I admitted I screwed up and apologized.. I don't know what else to do!
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert

    Nov 1, 2016, 09:06 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Greeneyedbeauty View Post
    I don't know what else to do!
    Couples counseling! If he won't go, go alone. The counselor will undoubtedly invite him to at least one session. It's unlikely he'll refuse.

    Like joypulv said, please keep us informed.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646

    Nov 1, 2016, 09:45 AM
    What antidepressant are you on?
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert

    Nov 1, 2016, 09:55 AM
    How long were you together before you married?

    How long have you been in treatment for anxiety? Are you in counseling/therapy for the anxiety? How long have you been on medications?

    Has he been understanding and patient in the past or has he added to your anxiety?
    Greeneyedbeauty's Avatar
    Greeneyedbeauty Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 1, 2016, 10:32 AM
    We got engaged after two years and then married two years after the engagement.. so we were together 4 years total when we got married.
    As for my anxiety.. I mainly suffer from PTSD. I went through a very traumatic experience years ago... so I've been in therapy for about 7 years. He isn't exactly understanding because he is totally against medications.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,492, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member

    Nov 1, 2016, 12:35 PM
    I think he was pretty understanding, going off your medications was a bad move. Against medications or not. And the longer that was the worse it makes it from his perspective. I'm married to a full blooded Italian from the old country were they grow up wearing their emotions on their sleeves and that can be a handful at times.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855

    Nov 2, 2016, 08:43 AM
    To begin with I find it appalling that you would stop your meds just because he doesn't like you on them. You were on them when he met you since you have been in therapy 7 years already if I read your post correctly, and your unemotional self was good enough to date and marry!

    I think the first thing you do is get to a healthy frame of mind, body, and soul, by making YOU and YOUR well being the priority along with YOUR doctors and therapists. Any husband that cannot understand the importance of that is NOT worth having, no matter how much love you claim to have for them. Obviously his love is NOT the same as yours, and worse, it may actually be dangerous to put his needs before your own at this point.

    These mind and emotional games don't cut it, nor is it a way to achieve any semblance of good communications either, and to be perfectly honest I find it (unintentionally?) ABUSIVE. I doubt YOU can even have the rational conversations needed to begin the process of establishing that communications unless YOU are rational yourself and sorry... clearly you are NOT by going off your meds which I think is against the advice of your health care professionals.

    One thing I have learned in 40 years of marriage is that building a life with another human is a never ending process of highs and lows and conflicts. There are no instant results just a commitment to the process, and for whatever reason he is NOT committed to you, or the process, your FIRST priority is for your own well being whether or not he is there to help, love, and support, or NOT.

    Make no mistake about what I am suggesting, get back to your health care professionals, and let them help you get to a healthy, rational place, so YOU can rationally deal with whatever comes next, be it couples counseling, separation (long or short term) or divorce.

    Let go of his needs, and issues, and deal with your own for NOW!
    marthastamm's Avatar
    marthastamm Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 15, 2016, 10:20 AM
    I just want to tell you that have you talked with him? After this messy situation.

    Talk with him and ask him what is the reason behind "he is done.". It might be possible that your unemotional behavior isn't a reason. Ask for reason and try to resolve it; it will definitely save your relationship.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert

    Nov 15, 2016, 03:39 PM
    I just want to tell you that have you talked with him? After this messy situation.

    Talk with him and ask him what is the reason behind "he is done.". It might be possible that your unemotional behavior isn't a reason. Ask for reason and try to resolve it; it will definitely save your relationship.
    I do agree that they need to talk, but I don't agree that it will definitely save their relationship. It takes two to make a relationship work, and it doesn't sound like the husband is willing to work on it any longer.

    She of course should try to discuss this with him, and they should both seek marriage counseling, but if he refuses then sadly all she can really do is accept that the marriage is over, and move on.

    You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

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