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    Hadit's Avatar
    Hadit Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #41

    Oct 16, 2008, 01:46 PM
    Dear Sazon and Sad Wife,
    I found this site today out of desperation and an enormous amount of inner turmoil. I too am married to a man who cheated and had a child with the other woman. I didn't even find out about it until the child was almost 9 years old. He concealed it from me while he paid child support, visited the child, and had regular correspondence with the other woman. I feel, like both of you, that no one can possibly understand until they have experienced it. The amount of betrayal, mistrust, hurt, etc is overpowering. I should ba embarrassed to say this, but it has now been 8 years since I found out, and we are still together. He has had minimal contact with the child, who is now 17. I want to tell both of you, though, that unless you can really forgive and deal with, really deal with, the other child, you should think very hard before staying. The other child was born the year between my son and daughter, so he had one child with me, a second child with me in 1990, a child with her, and another child with me in 1992. He got her pregnant when our son was 1 month old. The kicker is that she told me, after I finally found out their secret, that she thought she was pregnant again by him when the other child was nine months. I have always had a very hard time understanding him still being intimate with her after the horror of getting her pregnant the first time and hiding it from me. I have tried to just not think about things over the years, and ignore things like that, but it has taken it's toll on me. My husband is a very good provider and a wonderful man in a lot of ways, but I wonder if there isn't some side to him that I really don't understand. Both of my daughter's, who know about the situation, recently told me that while they love their dad completely, as a dad, that he manipulates me, and that I deserve better than I get from him. Every time the issue of the other child comes up, as it will for the rest of his and your life, if you are with him, I feel so hurt and betrayed all over again. I have finally begun to be realistic with myself, that I will never be able to deal with it and that it will always be a huge obstacle between us. We have been married almost 26 years, and it is very scary for me to think of being on my own. But, I do not want to continue to be hurt by this over and over for the rest of my life. I thought a lot of reason for staying was for our kids, but they have now let me know that they don't believe I should stay. I am so lost right now, because I think I know what I need to do, if I am ever to be completely close to someone again and be happy, but I don't even know where to start. I am writing this to try to give myself some clarity, but also to tell you both, that 8 years later, I am still feeling mistrust, betrayal and insecurity. Don't try to just ignore and not think about it, because it will come up again and again. I am a very good person, am told by men that I am sexy, beautiful, sweet, funny... the ideal woman... but, all I ever wanted was a perfect family, and amazingly enough, it was my daughter who told me recently that "mom, no matter how much you want things to be "ideal", they never will be!! Make sure you do what is right for you, because you deserve to be happy!
    GottaVENT's Avatar
    GottaVENT Posts: 5, Reputation: 2
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    #42

    Oct 16, 2008, 06:25 PM

    THIS IS WHAT I SENT TO THE OTHER GIRL--WHEN SHE HUNG UP ON MY HUSBAND AND ME, WHILE ATTEMPTING TO SETTLE ON HOW WE WOULD INCORPORATE THE CHILD IN OUR LIVES...

    You are so childish, but that is not my problem, it's XXXX's.

    Don't be mad cause your alleged (NO DNA! Not to mention, when you and XXXX got into you all's fight and you called me to tell on him, you told me that you had other friends) son's father doesn't want to legitimize you and only prefers to deal with you on the down low.

    As a concerned mother, I would want to know who my child is going to spend time with. Furthermore, you may be right, my son may "love" you, why not? You're childish and he recognizes that. I'm glad you don't want me around your son (YOUR daughter was never an option), I really didn't want to be included in the whole circle of illegitimate dysfunction anyway.

    That is fine that you settle for being a baby mama. 'Cause while you're playing baby mama, I AM the WIFE. I get the mortgage and bills paid. I get the trips (remember the Bahamas while you were in labor, I might add; Vegas and coming up Mexico, HOLA)! I get the holidays. I get the family reunions. I get the husband every night and the perks of that when I feel like doing the horizontal polka.

    But my point is, Sweetie, you are living in a dream world. If Eusi wanted you, TRULY wanted you, he would have made that known and acted on it! You are nothing but a distraction to me, an irritation like mosquitoes at a barbecue.

    I hear your father was a bit like XXXX, perhaps that is your attraction to dealing with a married man. Perhaps I should be talking to your mother to see how she dealt with it, but I already know, it's the grace of GOD that sustains me and I venture to say, sustained your mother. Just imagine the blessings you block by being needy, desperate and childish. I know your mother teaches you better than to be hostile to the woman you disrespected.

    What a legacy to leave. I foresee you leaving that same sort of legacy for your children (have babies by men who aren't available or don't want to be a full time father or have a son by a married man, who has no intentions on leaving his wife).

    It's been 4 years darling and you're still at square one.
    So continue to settle for the pampers, the laundry detergent, the couple hours here and there, HE DEFINITELY SHOWS YOU YOUR WORTH!
    Hadit's Avatar
    Hadit Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #43

    Oct 17, 2008, 09:26 AM
    Ladies,
    As I said, I have been going through this for 8 years now, and have decided that this will always be an issue standing between my husband and me ever being completely close to each other again. I have been thinking about all of this REALLY intently for the past few days and trying to do some research. There seems to be a definite advantage to making the 10 year mark. In my case, I have been married to my husband almost 26 years, have worked part time and been the primary care-giver and homemaker. My husband had a high school diploma when we married and he now has a master's degree. I managed to acquire about 30 hours of school, because the kids were my primary focus. I THINK from what I am reading, I may be able to get up to half his income, penison, etc for the rest of my life unless I remarry, because my earning potential has been greatly lessened as a result of my home responsibilities while my husband attained his degrees. I can probaby earn "maybe" 30k per year, whereas he currently earns 135k per year base salary. The law seems to agree that my standard of living should remain comparable to the standard of living established during the marriage.
    Anyone have any thoughts or information on this matter? I just want to make sure that if and when I take that huge step, I have all my facts straight and all my ducks in a row!
    Also, anyone out there who has been through the long term marriage that ended in divorce because of spouses infidelity, that could tell the rest of us (and there are way too many of us!) about your experience with it and give us some advice?
    solost84's Avatar
    solost84 Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #44

    Dec 26, 2008, 03:34 AM
    Im going through the same thing... https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post1448258. Help!
    GottaVENT's Avatar
    GottaVENT Posts: 5, Reputation: 2
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    #45

    Apr 16, 2009, 05:09 PM
    LO and BEHOLD... after insisting on doing a DNA test for the past year... we finally did one... and HE IS NOT THE FATHER!! She says she's sorry... she conveniently forgot to mention the indiscretion she had around the time she conceived!!

    Life is not perfect.. but at least she is out of the picture!!

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