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slvliv · Nov 3, 2010, 10:00 PM

Been married 30yrs, no kids. I feel I have accomplished / earned my main goals in life (safe private home, my family of animals, some savings to hopefully retire with! ). My husband does not seem to have any goals - and has gone along with my goals with much criticism along the way. But recently he has changed, loss of memory, forgets commitments, loses things all day long, drama queen over the stupidest issues, constant "poor me" attitude because no one want to participate with anything he is working on.
He has no friends, is not a team player, treats people like they are idiots and its all my fault.
I have had enough. I am at a loss for what to do. I feel I have put aside my needs for too many years to keep him happy and enough is enough. I have given him all the options - to please find someone else who will worship him and never question anything he does, try to be a team player, communicate with the team... But he still goes off and does what ever he wants to do and complains/whines/cries when no one has any interest in helping him. What is wrong with him?

Cat1864 · Nov 4, 2010, 04:59 AM

Originally Posted by slvliv

Been married 30yrs, no kids. I feel I have accomplished / earned my main goals in life (safe private home, my family of animals, some savings to hopefully retire with!!). My husband does not seem to have any goals - and has gone along with my goals with much criticism along the way. But recently he has changed, loss of memory, forgets commitments, loses things all day long, drama queen over the stupidest issues, constant "poor me" attitude because no one want to participate with anything he is working on.

He has no friends, is not a team player, treats people like they are idiots and its all my fault.
I have had enough. I am at a loss for what to do. I feel I have put aside my needs for too many years to keep him happy and enough is enough. I have given him all the options - to please find someone else who will worship him and never question anything he does, try to be a team player, communicate with the team...... But he still goes off and does what ever he wants to do and complains/whines/cries when no one has any interest in helping him. What is wrong with him?

First, when was his last full physical? From what you have written, having him see his doctor would be a good place to start. Mid-life crises that I have heard of usually do not involve forgetting things, constantly losing things, etc. Medical conditions, on the other hand, can.

Second, in your second paragraph, you talk about having put aside your needs to keep him happy, but your first paragraph talks about accomplishing your goals. There seems to be a discrepancy between the two.

Third, What is it you really want? Do you want him to be a more suitable husband or are you trying to convince yourself to leave the marriage? Are you willing to try marriage counseling or are you ready to walk out?

Dolynny · Jan 26, 2011, 10:53 AM

First off, I feel very bad for you. I hope you are doing okay. It's going to take a lot to not let this drag you down into depression. It's important that you realize that you can not control the behaviour of others, this goes for your husband as well. It seems much to me, that your husband is making choices to be selfish. The more selfish one becomes, the harder it becomes to participate in the external world. This is due to the personality becoming directed inwards, and the further the personality becomes directed inwards, the harder it becomes to even recognize others needs, let alone want to fill them. I suggest getting him the book; the happiness trap, and reading it first yourself! It helped me leagues in just understanding how to deal with others behaviours so it doesn't effect me so poorly.