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    Husband caught cheating with his Cousin.

    Asked Nov 14, 2011, 10:49 AM 51 Answers
    Need help.

    Last October, we had my husband's (orphaned, 18 yr old) cousin move in. Her mom passed 8yrs ago, dad passed this year. Both parents were heroin addicts, and she had been living with her aunt. Cousin got into a huge fight, was hit by the aunt, who in turn threw her out. From day one, it was a struggle.

    This June, I found out they were sleeping together. I don't know when it started, but I do think it ended in July. Husband (50) cheated in the past, with MY niece. (6 yrs ago) I need help, part of me does feel like I want to stay. We've been married 32 yrs. have been together 33 yrs. and have a 32 yr old son.

    I know that I should leave, I don't know why I allow him to hurt me. Or, am I allowing the hurt to happen? Husband said he will never hurt me again, and promised to do everything to earn my love again.

    I told him I don't love him. I have a divorce attorney. Husband was just put on staff with an excellent job. I need input.

    Last edited by CliffARobinson; Nov 15, 2011 at 01:35 PM.
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    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
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    #2

    Nov 14, 2011, 11:18 AM
    Well first let me tell you I'm sorry to hear this, but lady you need to get out! He not only cheated on you, but he chose YOUR family member to start an affair with. How old was your niece? Now he is choosing HIS family to have sex with? This man has some deep routed issues. In my opinion if he is having incestuous affairs, how far is too far? Will he ever stop? Those are two extremes, and to me, it's not about him wanting to hurt you, he doesn't care if you get hurt, it's about him getting his jollies off with whom ever he can!

    You basically have two choices. 1. Go to counseling, and work on things, always wonder in the back of your mind anytime there is family or friends around what he is up to or 2. Leave him and start a life about YOU. No one deserves to be hurt like that, and until you start realizing you deserve better, you won't get better.
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    franz001's Avatar
    franz001 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #3

    Nov 14, 2011, 11:31 AM
    Thank you for your unput. I know that I don't love him. It's so hard being with someone for so long, and all the history. I don't have $, and that is the main problem. I know I deserve better. I'm looking for a counselor. I'm so heartbroken- again. The truth is, I think he will do it again. That's my true feelings. He keeps begging me to prove that he loves me. But, I told him if you loved me these things would never happen.
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    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
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    #4

    Nov 14, 2011, 11:38 AM
    You are right, he wouldn't have done that to you. When you say you don't have the money, do you mean you don't have enough money to move out on your own? Are you employed? What about staying with family or friends until you get your feet on the ground. You are only going to make yourself miserable by staying with a man you don't love. And how COULD you love someone who has hurt you so bad. Leaving is one of the hardest things to do. You get overwhelmed with regret, sorrow, confusion... But those are th enormal emotions you go through, and having a couselor on your side to help you work through them is really important. You mentioned that he just started a new well paying job, did you mention that as a reason to stay? Deep down if you know you can't trust him, then how could you be happy if you stayed?
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    franz001's Avatar
    franz001 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Nov 14, 2011, 11:51 AM
    Yes, I don't have $ to move on my own. Yes, I have a job, but no savings. We own a home together. Paying mortgage. I told husband to move out, he will not. My attorney said I will get everything, due to the situation. I don't want to burden my family. Husband said he'll go to counseling, and do whatever it takes to keep our marriage intact. I told him it's too late, what you have done is too discusting. Yet, we still live in the same house. I deserve to be happy, and you know he DID make me happy. It's just so hard.
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    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
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    #6

    Nov 14, 2011, 11:59 AM
    How could you burden your family? You have an adult son! Does your son know anything about what has been going on? Would you expect your son to stay with a woman how treated him that way, "for the sake of the family"? I have parents who stayed together for the sake of the family. What a miserable life I had growing up because of that.

    I think it's time you think about YOU. I know you were happy, but that was BEFORE the indiscretions.

    Do you think you can forgive AND forget? Two totally different things, often confused as one in the same. Would you be happy if you went to counseling sessions? Can you move past the relationships with not only your family but his as well?
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    0rphan's Avatar
    0rphan Posts: 1,274, Reputation: 239
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    #7

    Nov 14, 2011, 12:03 PM
    Hi franz,
    I am sorry to say your husband will cheat again,it's in his makeup.Yes he has promised not to do it again and to make it up to you... until the next time.

    I am sure that when he says "it won't happen again " he actually believes it... you must not.

    He is a liar and a cheat, and has no respect for you or the many years that you have shared together.

    Do not waste any more of your life with him, he is the past,if you want any future at all you have to move foreword.

    Stay with family or friends who can give you moral support until this is sorted out legally.I know you both have a lot of history together, but you cannot survive in a loveless marriage on history,if you stay for the sake of history then you will have no future.

    This will be a big step for you,maybe the first time in many years that you have to fend for yourself,I am sure that this does scare you a little.This is only natural,but once you have taken the first step out of this mans life, then you will see that you have a promising future with someone who will love and respect you, without the worry of cheating at the first opportunity.

    You say you do not love this man,you also say you have a divorce attorney,therefore there is no point in seeking marriage guidance.

    You have taken the first steps toward your future,stay strong and accept the support of the people that care and love you.

    I wish you luck in all that you do.

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    franz001's Avatar
    franz001 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Nov 14, 2011, 12:29 PM
    Yes, my son actually lives in the home, is aware of all that has transpired. My son broke off his engagement, and moved back last year. He will be moving out in a few months. The cousin was also trying to have sex with my son too. And I must say, she actually hit on me too. No, I will never forgive, and forget- NEVER! So much has happend-it's too discusting. She's also pregnant, and was with 2 other guys -one bi-sexual. I heard a message she left husband in July, saying she was going to kill his baby. At first she said it was her steady bi-sexual boyfriend, then she said its husbands. I don't know what to think! I'm so scared of one day finding out I have a disease. I know I have to move on, it's just so hard to do. Husband was the ONLY man I've ever been with. Being afraid of the unknown is what terrifies me..


    To Orphan: Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it.
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    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
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    #9

    Nov 14, 2011, 02:01 PM
    Franz, you need to go to the doctor for an exam. If she was sleeping with a bi-sexual man and had other partners, she could have given something to your husband who in turn gave it to you. I know it's terrifying. I can only imagine how scared/hurt/angry you are.

    Like Orphan mentioned, you have already made your first move. You have contacted your divorce attorney, so you know deep down it's over. You just need to stay strong and stick to your guns. Get your support where ever you can, friends, family, online... What does your son think about what his father has done?
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    franz001's Avatar
    franz001 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Nov 14, 2011, 02:33 PM
    I have an appointment this Friday with the Dr. My son is discusted, and is of course trying to comprehend all that has happened. He can't believe all that has happened. My son told me, how could my dad hate us that much, to do something like that? I told my husband that, and all he said was we'll talk. We never did. I told my husband, you should be ashamed, and discusted with what you have done. He said he's ashamed, but most of all, doesn't want to lose me. I had to say he was ashamed, he never said that first. He accused me of sleeping with his friend. It's just so sickening. I'll never know if he got her pregnant, or if it is someone else's. I asked him is he got her pregnant, at first he never answered the question. After I told him I guess you did get her pregnant, because he won't answer me. That's when he told me it's not his baby.
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    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
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    #11

    Nov 15, 2011, 04:45 AM
    Ahh the blame game. Of course he will try and accuse you of doing these things, he doesn't want to be the only bad guy. Don't let his foolish, selfish games get to you.

    Do you think he is ashamed of his actions or ashamed that he got caught... again?
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 80,442, Reputation: 7604
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    #12

    Nov 15, 2011, 05:04 AM


    I would bet you will find a trail of other girls though the years, the ones you found out about where just family.

    Get the divorce lawyer, get the biggest and best settlement you can.
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    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,722, Reputation: 3460
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    #13

    Nov 15, 2011, 06:04 AM


    What a horrible position to be in for you.

    A marriage you have dedicated yourself to for 32 years, only to end up with a man who you really didn't know.

    It is the man that you don't know, that you have to deal with. The man you thought you knew, does not exist.

    I believe you when you say you don't love him, and I believe you when you describe what he has done, and how it has turned your life upside down.

    I'm happy that you have seen a lawyer, and have some idea of what to expect with the division of marital assets. That alone should give you a little confidence that you will have something when and if you decide to end the marriage.

    Have you considered for now, a legal separation. Figuring out on paper, what you will actually end up with, might give you more confidence to proceed. At the least, you will have some money in the bank.

    I don't know if you work, or what kind of work you do, but have you thought about paving a new way, to a better income? If that is not something you have checked out, or something that you won't need to do right away, maybe think instead of getting to a safe place (friend, relative), and with a separation agreement in place, you can then start to plan what you need to do.

    I appreciate that you are not bowled over by what he has done to the extent that you can see you will have to make major changes.

    But, at the end of the day, you will have your own place, and you will have your freedom back, particularly free of the man that has put you through an emotional wringer.

    What kind of man would have sex with an 18 year old, let alone an 18 year old who herself, was the result of a horrible life. He was a predator. And he was a predator when the 'opportunity' came up and he chose to have a sex with your niece six years ago. Were this her parents made aware of what went on, or did you remain silent.

    It is important you make the distinction between your husband's actions, and the fact that these were not 'just' affairs, he preyed on vunerable young women.

    You are on the right path when you consider counselling, but be prepared to learn more about the type of man you are married to, and while you may have had many good years with the 'other' man, it is who he is now that you have to deal with.

    I hope you will post again with your thoughts, and what you may have considered to do, or plan to do in the near (hopefully) future. It doesn't have to be all at once, or overwhelming, if you have a plan, and follow it through. Set your goals, short term, and long term, and realize that what you face alone, will be by far worth the effort to accomplish, than what you are living with now.
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    franz001's Avatar
    franz001 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #14

    Nov 15, 2011, 10:23 AM
    To Jake:

    Thank you, so much for your input. I told my husband, I don't know who you are? How could you have sex with your own family? My family. I'm discusted, and ashamed that you are my husband. In regards to MY niece, yes, my sister was advised, as my niece was 14 at the time. Husband went to prison for 3 yrs. Yes, I stayed with him, thinking I was doing the right thing. I actually (thought) GOD hates divorce- that's what kept me there. At the time, I WAS living, or thinking I was living by the bible. ( I apologize if I'm rambling, but this is so confusing for me) Looking back, I should have left him then. Legal separation, my brother in law advised me to do so. You are right, he is a predator. Husband has promised to never hurt me again, says he loves me. How can he love me, if he hurts me? I haven't asked him if he's been cheating on me all this time. I will, and see what he has to say. I'm sure it will be nothing but lies. The cousin would yell at me, tell me off, and my husband would NEVER tell her to leave. Now, I know why. I had to legally evict her! I never in a million years think he would have sex with his own cousin. Now, she's due to have a baby. I heard a voice mail she left him, saying it was his baby and she was going to kill it! (end the pregnancy-this was a July voice mail) Who knows who's baby it is. Down in my gut, tells me it could be, because how could he continue to have sex with someone, if it's not your baby? (Her boyfriend is bi-sexual, and she was also seeing another guy) This is so hard, I could go on forever. I'm grateful to everyone's input. It's making me stronger, and come the realization that I must move on. It's so hard. He WAS my best friend, my life, my everything. All I know, is that I don't love him. I'll look into legal separation. I'm just feeling so ashamed, and I don't know why. He actually took her on one of his business trips. I found out he stood an extra day, took her all over to sightsee. He lied and said he had to work an extra day! I then found out she met him in San Diego, Ca while he was working, and stood with him for 3-days. The only reason I found out was I called his co-workers room in error, ( I was going to take the train and meet him that evening) and the co-worker told me -your husband and daughter just went to dinner. I'm glad to get this out. I cannot tell many people. This is to hard.

    To Aurora:

    I think he's ashamed he got caught. He told me he stopped with her in July. That makes sense, as I evicted her in July. Thank you. All this is making me stronger, which I need, as he's trying to make me stay with him. I have a dog to look out for. She's a mastiff, great dane mix. I love her so much. I don't want to leave her with him. He refuses to leave MY house.
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    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
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    #15

    Nov 15, 2011, 10:36 AM
    Franz, do what ever you have to do. I wish I could offer more. The lawyer will handle the house and other issues, but for now you need to take care of you. I can't imagine the hell you have been through. You are a strong woman. I can tell just by your writing. I hope you stay with us here and talk to us, let us help you and offer our support. I know all of us here will be rooting for you.
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    franz001's Avatar
    franz001 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #16

    Nov 15, 2011, 11:45 AM
    Hi Aurora Bell,

    Thank you and all the others for your support! I really need it. I'm 49, and never in a million years would have thought I'd have to start over at this age.
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    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
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    #17

    Nov 15, 2011, 04:06 PM
    It's tough at any age. But you are still young and have a whole lot of life a head of you :) I recently joined the gym, and it has done wonders for myself esteem, plus got me in touch with a lot of other women in my age group. Do you think that would be something you would enjoy?
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    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,722, Reputation: 3460
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    #18

    Nov 15, 2011, 04:08 PM


    You have not yet started to live Franz.

    Sometimes people post with tragic stories like yours, and really it all boils down to the message, and that is a confirmation, and understanding of what the person has already decided to do.

    I think it is only natural to have a fallout from that realization. Details, times, dates, situations, life together in your case, a big investment that has most likely an infinate amount of memory attached to it, and let's face it, some of those memories are good ones.

    There is no predicting at any stage of any relationship, when your worst nightmare comes true. Or nightmares, followed by making up, wanting to believe and maintain what you had. It makes sense to me that you would be confused; he has turned your life upside down, your marriage upside down, and destroyed all that was sacred.

    Who you were, when you were with him, is still the same person you are now. A good, decent, loyal person. You may have made mistakes in judgment along the way, but who hasn't. Anybody we love is worth a second chance, especially if they seem like they are sincere. That is the person you trusted to be truthful, no matter how bad the truth was.

    49 is not old. 49 is the new 29! And, at some point in the future, you will realize just how strong you were because the strength you put into staying with this man was more energy spent on him, than anything you would spend on yourself. You will be yourself, under your own steam, your own rules, goals, dreams, and life. What could be better than that. And it isn't a dream, you will make it happen.

    I too hope that you keep posting and update us with how things are going.
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    Aurora_Bell's Avatar
    Aurora_Bell Posts: 4,193, Reputation: 822
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    #19

    Nov 15, 2011, 04:13 PM
    Jake you totally took the words out of my mouth! I came back here to specifically tell her that 49 is the new 29 and saw that you had posted! LOL love it.
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    franz001's Avatar
    franz001 Posts: 22, Reputation: 2
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    #20

    Nov 16, 2011, 07:00 AM
    Hi Jake,

    Last night I asked my husband if he's been cheating on me through our entire marriage- he said no. And, wouldn't look at me when he answered. I told him, I need to ask you questions, I deserve to have answers. I told him, I need to know why this happened, and how you could have sex with your own cousin. It's incest. Husbands response- he said stupid. Husband acted like it was just another thing that happened. It's very hard to explain. He said wait until we see a counselor,then said, you see we're going to get into a fight. I didn't raise my voice, but he did. * He's also been texting me saying he loves me, and will do whatever it takes to save our marriage.* He killed every ounce of my love for him, in one action. I told him the day you went to bed with your cousin, was the day YOU chose to end our marriage. How can I love someone who lied, cheated, allowed her to steal from me, damage my property? I could go on, and on. I agreed to go to counseling, but in MY eyes, it's over. I don't love him. I have so much hate in me. I'm never like this. I'm usually such a happy person. Yes, I have made mistakes, but nothing like this. I told him, I've been a faithful wife to you, do everything to help you. And, at then end of they day, I've ALWAYS been there for you. He said, yes you have. And, I'm sorry your in pain. I just don't believe anything he says to me. I feel that if she calls him, he'll go right back to having sex with her.
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