Hello - Happy NEW Year!! Well, It's a new year. Hatred, anger have subsided-a lot! I know I'm doing the right thing. Husband keeps begging me-saying he loves me. We were talking the other day, and I told him everything you do makes you the person you are. Husband told me, theirs a difference between work, and passion. I told him, you don't see anything wrong with what you have done. There's something wrong with you. So, you had passionate sex with your 18 yr old cousin. Thsts sick. He didn't say anything. Attorney is back from holiday on 2011-01-10. I'll be seeing him next week. It's hard, I've listed our assets, have left out a lot, and the list continues to grow. I want my house, I deserve it, as he's the one who ended the marriage. We have a lot to work out. His pension, insurance, so many things. It's hard to think that I'll struggle, but I'm ready to rock and roll.. He doesn't deserve me. Last night he was trying to make plans for our anniversary,my birthday. I told him- you ruined everything, and last year-was the worst. He said, don't worry I have a lot of making up to do. Whatever. My son is 32, and is having a hard time dealing with this. But, this is something I have to do. This is my time! I must put myself first=for once!! I'm in a bit of a strange mood today. I don't know what it is. I feel so empty inside. We were talking the other day, and I told him, I have no feelings for you. I don't love you. He just walked away. I don't understand how he can say he loves me to my face after everything he's done. He's just trying to manipulate me, into thinking everything is OK. I forgot to mention, I saw a picture of her baby, it looks just like my son. I know it's his. I've caught him looking at baby clothes, when we're out shopping.

Thanks for the update Franz. Happy New Year to you as well- as you said this is YOUR time now!

Love is a very complicated thing. I think it's safe to say that some part of you loves what it was, prior to knowing what it actually is.

I think it is also safe to say that during your long marriage, there will be memories, and not all of them will be bad. When the time comes for you to reflect, when you are settled on your own, I think it is important for you to separate the good, from the bad. Don't deny yourself the joy, re-lived through memory, of the birth of your son, for example. I would also be careful not to taint your son's history, and allow him the freedom too, to remember the parts of his life, that were not affected with how his father is now.

He will be struggling with this too. Down the road, I'm just saying balancing what will be the past, will include both good, and bad.

I believe you are right, in that, because your husband feels he's done no wrong, and has no insight into his own behaviour, change will never come. It is not uncommon territory for predators, to not benefit from therapy. There is no healing, or changing such a person in my opinion. Behaviour may only be modified,at best. So years of therapy would only, maybe, stop the behaviour, but it does not change the person.

Go easy on yourself, and make sure you are protected legally, as you are doing. Think of yourself now as sharing the house with a room mate, and keep to yourself as much as possible, and keep busy. The marriage is over, your thinking is changing over to yourself only now. Confidence will come with time and accomplishments on your own.

You said in an earlier post that you could go and stay with your brother. Do you think this might be a likely decision, considering the fact that the legal wrangling may take some time? If so, that is something to talk over with your lawyer- spousal support may be in order here, even on a temporary basis, so that you have your living expenses covered, at least.

Looking forward to hearing from you again.

Happy New Years to you too Franz! You know, Jake pretty much covered everything. I just wanted to add that your son is 32, he is an adult who makes his own choices with HIS life. As difficult as it will be for him, it's your choice for YOUR life. Everything you are doing is right. And you said it best, this is year is for YOU. I'm glad to hear everything is rolling quickly with the lawyer. I thought about you over the holidays. I know how hard it is to be in a break-up/divorce over those times, but you stayed strong and I am SO happy to hear that. Great work!

Today is 2012-01-04. Thank you Jake, and Aurora! Having a really bad -emotinal day. I'm struggling so much today. It's just so hard, unbearable at times. Been crying alot-today. I know it's the fact that it's over. I do miss the way (I THOUGHT) my marriage was. Just knowing all that has happened, is keeping me strong, and knowing that I'm doing the right thing. I feel like I'm going crazy at times. I know it's what I need to go through in the healing process. I wish I could not feel this way, but I do. IT'S SO HARD! Almost fell apart at work today. There were a few times that I started crying, but I know I'll get through this. I have so much to be thankful for. I'm a good person, healthy, and know that in the end, I'll be OK. This sucks! (I'm sorry, but this is how I feel) I don't know how husband can keep telling me he loves me, when he only loves himself. Thank you all for listening to me. I feel better already. Can't wait until next week, to see my attorney. I know husband thinks that everything is back to normal. He doesn't care about me crying. Last week he told me I'm bipolar, and crazy, and everything happened last year-get over it. Whatever.

Aurora Bell, thank you for your kind words. Thinking of me over the holidays! What an awsome person you are!

Franz, you have come so far, keep your head up woman! :) I know how hard it is to lose what you think you had, but just keep telling yourself it wasn't what you really had. He is a predator, and it's only going to be a matter of time before he does something like this again. He can't even take responsibility for his actions, telling you to get over his infidelity is a HUGE slap in the face. He seriously sees NO wrong in what he did. What is it going to be like when he starts having to pay for this cousin/son of his? Does he expect you to help raise his incest son? All of this screams ego-maniac with no conscious! YOu are doing SO good. You are doing the right thing, and no matter how emotional you may get, you still see how you are doing the right thing. Good for you! ((HUGS))!

Yesterday, was a very bad day for me. Last night was even worse. Emotions, crying- so many memories have been flooding my mind! Didn't sleep last night. This am husband was trying to hug, and hold me. I told him, I'm not going to live like this anymore. I'll be filing for divorce next week. I told him, I'll never forgive, or forget what you have done. I told him, I don't understand how you can continue to think everything is OK. You knew this was coming. I then said, this is my house, I won't be leaving, so you better make arrangements. Told him, you are the cause of this. He said f-you. I told him, Im not going to fight with you, we're adults, you must live by your actions. It's over- get that through your head. Nothing you say or do will ever make me think different. You did something so discusting, that I will never get over. I do feel better -for now.

If you think of the end of your marriage as a death, it might be easier to understand. If you have ever gone through the grieving process after the loss of a loved one, you know that eventually, you get back on your feet again, and life goes on.

But, the getting there is the hard part, and it is different for everybody. No two deaths of anything, are the same for anyone.

Your husband may always have that large hole in his head, preventing him from EVER understanding his own behaviour, let alone how it has affected you. You divorcing him, won't change him. I get the impression that he prefers to have that breeze blowing through his brain, numbing rational thought, accountability, remorse, etc. He does not feel, understand, or accept what he has done. If he did, the guilt that would follow, would put him in a hospital.

There is no 'meeting of the minds' here. How you view all that has happened, is not the same way he views all that has happened. His version of accountability is an insult to your intelligence. Even a 7 year old can comprehend what he cannot.

You are not dealing with a MAN. You are dealing with a MONSTER.

As good as life with him once was, it is not that now. Take the good memories with you, and keep your focus now. You will have plenty of time to reflect down the road, but the legal actions you take now, are top priority.

I wish you weren't in that house at all. Would telling him to leave- work? If he knew, say, that you were going to report him to the authorities for what he has done if he doesn't move, would that prompt him to pack and go?

Hi Jake, Thank you for everything you said! I'm struggling with so much. It's hard. My attorney advised me not to leave the house, as once we get into court, they could claim abandonment on my part. He'll never leave, until a court order is in place. I need to get financially set, and with the attorney getting things in order, it will get moving. It's going to be very expensive, and I have a call into the attorney, to discuss a payment plan. My mother in law will lend me some money to get going, but the rest-I'll take care of. I FEEL SO SAD. Knowing, that I wasted my life on this person. But, I know that life will get better. I just want to be happy. You are right, he's not a man, but a monster. Thank you! I wish this could be over already. I must stay strong. I know that happiness will come. In time...

You can't put a price on your happieness or well-being! Stay strong. You're life isn't over, you haven't wasted anything, you have a beautiful son, who obviously loves you very much.

Thank you Aurora Bell. :-)

You should pull yourself esteem up by the boot straps and leave. You will never know what living in peace is and living in a safe place (meaning you do not have to worry about anyone violating your home)without your husband committing adultrey in your home until you leave.

Love does hurt but this type of hurt is abusive and you have grown comfortable to the point it is acceptable. You my dear are living in hell!

Once you are out and away from this type of dangerous behavior, and you get counseling yourself, when your husband meets up with you again months later you will see how you have grown and you will ask yourself, how in the world did I subject myself to this mess.

Get out of this mess and allow yourself to smell the roses. This is sufficating your growth.