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    scstarz68's Avatar
    scstarz68 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 16, 2007, 01:08 PM
    Hubby's ex still keeps in touch
    My husband and I have been newly married for six months now, and, we've been together for six years prior. I have since met his family and friends, one particular friend who happens to be an ex-girlfriend and close friend of his family. They have remained friends throughout the years, and she and I have since become friends as well. She herself is also newly married for two years now, however, she continues to keep in touch with my husband by constant phone calls and email. My husband is in the Army, and for the timebeing we live in separate states, and will be permanently joining him this summer. Since then she has asked me by email, to spend time with us before we move but also to spend a few hours alone with him since, as she phrased it, they have been friends for 11 years. I was furious at her request and have not responded to her email. In the meantime, she continues to call my husband on a regular basis. I have expressed to him my disapproval of her "need" to keep in touch with him, and he agrees and has since minimized his contact with her; but her calls to him continue, and I am deeply upset that she somehow believes it's okay to put their friendship in front of our marriage. It is very important to me to maintain good relations with his family and friends, but I am beginning to become very annoyed with her persistence. What should I do?
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #2

    Jan 16, 2007, 01:14 PM
    Hey if it makes you feel uncomfortable... AND gives you that woman's 'gut feeling' - then something isn't right here. That womena gut insinct is 98% of the time right.

    You don't sound jealous... I think you need to tell hubby no.

    I see no need to keep in touch with this particular women AND if you tell hybby so he should respect your wishes as his wife.

    Something just isn't right here - THERE IS NO REAOSN FOR HER CONSTANT CALLS, E-MAIL, AND NEEDING TO SEE HIM AT ALL!

    I could see maybe once or twice a year. But this way too much. WHY on earth does she need all this.

    Tell him to tell her to stop. This sounds like more than frinedship quite honestly.

    A married women doesn't need all this from a married man AND the fact they had history.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #3

    Jan 16, 2007, 04:35 PM
    Inform her that it is inappropriate for her to continue contacting him and that you expect her to stop. Then tell your husband to inform her likewise. If the two of you present a united front on this then I'm sure the problem will stop.
    Allheart's Avatar
    Allheart Posts: 1,639, Reputation: 436
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    #4

    Jan 16, 2007, 05:27 PM
    Wildcat - You are right. SCS you don't sound like the jealous type at all. Having friends is one thing, but there is and should be a boundary line. By this ex requesting that she spend time alone with YOUR husband, made her leap like a bunny way over that line.

    This really isn't something that you should have to fix. Your husband should be sending strong enough signals to her that clearly lets her know where the line is. Now, some people just either ignore the signals or just don't get them. If that is the case, and she proceeds to violate that boundary line, then, in truth, she is not a true friend of your husbands as she is disrespecting his wife, and that is not a friend.

    As c_ianci, stated briantlly, a united front by you and your husband will put this problem to rest.

    I wish you the very best.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #5

    Jan 17, 2007, 08:58 AM
    Part of the problem is the husband allows this to happen.

    You must take of this now or it will get worse. I've seen this before through a friend - although it was the wife and an ex... sorry to say the wife was having relations. And the wife thought it was OK.

    There is NO reason for all this contact wit hthe husband. None.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #6

    Jan 17, 2007, 08:15 PM
    I have to disagree. The reason she (the friend) has contact with the husband is that they are FRIENDS. They were apparently friends before the wife stepped into the scene, and they were friends before the husband and wife got married.

    If my husband told me I could not see my friend, I'd be mighty ticked off. ESPECIALLY since my husband knows he can look into my IMs and text messages any time he likes.

    I've been thinking about this all day, and I'm just wondering why NOW all of a sudden there is a problem. Weren't they texting and email before?

    Also... she emailed the wife to ask to see her friend. That tells me that she actually DOES care about the wife! And heck, the wife says she's been friends with the friend too!

    All I can say is that if my friend wanted to spend time with me alone before I moved, without my husband there, and my husband pitched a fit about it... I'd be pretty mad at my husband. Either there is an obvious reason not to trust the husband, or the wife is over-reacting because he has a friend that he's close to, that just HAPPENS to be of the opposite gender.

    Seriously... I can understand wanting to come first in your husband's eyes... but asking him to give up a friend that he's known longer than he's known you is just asking for him to be upset with you.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #7

    Jan 18, 2007, 08:16 AM
    If you both agree to keep her at a healthy distance then so be i.t and the sooner she figures it out the better, so make sure hubby isn't going behind your back and saying something different.
    phillysteakandcheese's Avatar
    phillysteakandcheese Posts: 973, Reputation: 356
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    #8

    Jan 18, 2007, 09:19 AM
    I have to agree with Synnen. There's 6 years of history here, and it's become a problem now only 6 months into the marriage?

    Maybe the ex-wife is overly friendly - but there should be no threats or trust issues given the long-term friendship you've already developed - unless there's something more going on that hasn't been mentioned.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #9

    Jan 18, 2007, 09:20 AM
    But the ex shouldn't be going for private visits. Please read again.

    And ex shouldn't be calling and e-mailing all the time.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #10

    Jan 18, 2007, 09:25 AM
    Actually... I call and email a couple of MY exes all the time because they are my friends!

    I guess I'd really like to know her definition of "constantly", because that could make a huge difference in how I see this.

    I saw that she requested (of the wife) a privage visit, but I didn't see that they were having private visits (the husband and the ex)--am I reading this wrong?
    Blueberries's Avatar
    Blueberries Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Jan 18, 2007, 11:29 AM
    I hate persistent ex's. I wish they would really respect others' relationship. If all parties are happy with the way things are going, fine, but if the new bf/gf/spouse is not OK, then the ex should really just back off.

    Asking for private time is wayyy crossing the line. What do they have to talk about that needs "privacy". It's OK for ex's to be friends in some circumstances, but I'd say in general, it's a bad bad idea for them to be really good friends.

    From what I read what the OP said, I would be very annoyed and think that the ex is totally disrespectful to both OP and OP's marriage with the husband.

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