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cdbrown · Apr 24, 2008, 09:40 AM

Hello,

My husband will not talk to me about any problems. I don't know what to do to get him to be able to talk to me. I recently found out that he was going behind my back and talking to my best friend. They were both lying and hiding it from me. I don't know what to do. Please help.

donf · Apr 24, 2008, 10:13 AM

CD,

It's time for a mild confrontation with hubby.

One of several things he needs reminding of is that you are his wife and not your friend. If he feels the need to discuss your problems, keep it at home where it belongs.

As to your best friend, I question the use of the word "best" or for that matter, "Friend."

Why is he running to her to discuss his perception of your issues. She's your friend, not his. Secondly, and you can put this to both of them, exactly what effect does he expect your friend to have over you.

I suggest that you nip this nonsense in the bud, now. If he has problems with you, our the way you do things, bring it home to you so that there is no misundering each other, no middle person catching ear fulls of personal information that he doesn't have the courage to discuss at home.

Smoked · Apr 24, 2008, 10:16 AM

Seems that for some reason he has decided he can't talk to you about his problems. Have you given him reason in the past to have this issue? Guys can tend to be a little complex when they have an issue. Feelings of inadequacy can come into play very quickly for a broad range of topics.

Secondly, is your best friend male or female? How well have they known each other? It strikes me odd at first, but I can't make any assumptions based on so little data.

I would suggest first going to him and voicing your concern. This does not mean get all upset and go off on him. Bring it up as a conversation piece and stay calm but concerned. Ask about why he feels he can't talk to you about these things. Don't be shocked if he doesn't want to talk about it at all and that is OK. If he shuts down, Don't PUSH! Just let him know you support him and love him and are there for him when he needs you. Try this for a while and you will probably see some results. I would also suggest that if this is a HUGE trust issue for you or him that you immediately seek council.

Smoked · Apr 24, 2008, 10:22 AM

Originally Posted by donf

CD,

It's time for a mild confrontation with hubby.

One of several things he needs reminding of is that you are his wife and not your friend. If he feels the need to discuss your problems, keep it at home where it belongs.

As to your best friend, I question the use of the word "best" or for that matter, "Friend."

Why is he running to her to discuss his perception of your issues. She's your friend, not his. Secondly, and you can put this to both of them, exactly what effect does he expect your friend to have over you.

I suggest that you nip this nonsense in the bud, now. If he has problems with you, our the way you do things, bring it home to you so that there is no misunderstanding each other, no middle person catching ear fulls of personal information that he doesn't have the courage to discuss at home.

I agree and Don't agree..

Confrontation isn't going to produce your goal. You goal is to get him to communicate with you. Confrontation is not the key. The key is Conversation.

Regarding your "friend" I think your 100% on target. Confrontation would be more applicable to the "friend". Find out why he/she felt is necessary to betray that trust. Now, by no means do I think that your husband didn't betray a trust. That isn't what I am saying. I am just saying the method of resolution with him to serve your end is not the same.

cdbrown · Apr 24, 2008, 11:08 AM

Thank you so much for the advice. I have told him that I love him and will always be here for him. As for my so called friend there is no more friendship between she and I. I asked the two of them on several occasions if they were talking and they both said no. I am going to try and deal with my husband not being able to open up to me. We have been together for almost 10 years and married for almost 2. He also says he is not happy with things in his life(not me) but he seems to be taking a lot of that out on us. Also the so called friend is going through a divorce and things didn't start going south with myself and my husband until then. She was talking to me about her problems and quit and began talking to my husband and I feel that is what is wrong with him.