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Jj0113bs · Dec 11, 2010, 03:05 PM

My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years and together for 10, we have had a lot of the regular issues over the years, cheating, lying, time, money, sex. All the typical and workable issues. We have no abuse issues. We still live each other and I am still in love. Times have been hard and he has decided he wants a divorce. He will not discuss other options or solutions, just that he wants a divorce and that's that. He is very unhappy and has many things in his life that are causing it. I think he feels ending our marriage will magically fix his job, money, and growing up issues. I can't accept this. I feel we need work and so does he. I think he is just fed up with his life and needs some time to think. How do I give him space without making it seem like I accept this? We already are living apart and have been for our whole relationship so this makes it hard to talk to him daily since he can control answering the phone or emails. I have called him 2 or 3 times since he said it was over and have emailed him my feelings and thoughts, very constructively and hopeful not blaming or angry tone, and now I am trying to leave him alone to think. How do I give him this time but also not fall off his radar? I can't imagine that divorce is really going to solve his issue and we both still love and care about each other. I don't even know what to do, I am so wrecked over all of this.
Thanks

talaniman · Dec 11, 2010, 06:24 PM

What he does for himself is up to him, but leaving him alone to make up his own mind without your influence is what you do for yourself.

Until he can conquer his demons himself, or want your help, he has to be on his own and is a lousy partner.

Sorry, I know you are looking for a solution to this dilemma, but something's you cannot fix, and maybe in time he will miss your true love and support, but for now he needs more help than you have to give.

Devorameira · Dec 13, 2010, 02:55 PM

Let me see if I understand this. You have been together 10 years and been married 2 1/2 years and have never lived together?? Who made that decision? What kind of marriage is that?

Have you ever considered that your separate residences may be keeping you from having a close connection?

I have to agree with Tal. He's told you he wants out, so all you can do is leave him alone to see if he can figure things out without you.

Jj0113bs · Dec 14, 2010, 10:50 AM

Money and poor education decisions made it so we could never live together. We couldn't move into each other's family residences because there was either a space or family conflict. We had been trying to move out on our own all this time and now he decided he's done. I too feel that not living together has made us get to this point and have always tried to push this along faster so we could have our lives together as a married couple not just married living separately. I am trying to give him space for now but can not deal with the fact that in a couple months it doesn't matter how I feel or what I do he will still want this divorce. He says he still loves and cares about me but can't be with me anymore. How do you just end a relationship with no true effort to fix the issues or even discuss them first?

talaniman · Dec 14, 2010, 01:40 PM

He says he still loves and cares about me but can't be with me anymore.

That's a fact you have to accept and start making decisions that are just about you, and NOT include him.

How do you just end a relationship with no true effort to fix the issues or even discuss them first?

Your previous posting is your answer to that question.

He will not discuss other options or solutions, just that he wants a divorce and that's that. He is very unhappy and has many things in his life that are causing it. I think he feels ending our marriage will magically fix his job, money, and growing up issues. I can't accept this. I feel we need work and so does he. I think he is just fed up with his life and needs some time to think.

Unless you do accept this, I think you can never be free to find solutions, like leaving him alone to better yourself while he is thinking about himself.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 14, 2010, 04:42 PM

It sounds like you have have been making some kind of effort. You have known each other a long time, been married for two years.
He feels it's not working and wants out.
No matter what you feel, you have to respect his feelings.
Let him go and then go on with your life.