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    chocolat_hitman's Avatar
    chocolat_hitman Posts: 15, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    Oct 31, 2008, 12:43 PM
    How can my husband get over my semi-sordid past (previous to meeting him)?
    We have been married for 4 years. We have 2 children together. We waited until we were married before having sex with each other. He was a virgin. I was not. However, I told him about my past. I told him more than I would have liked to have shared because he asked. When I told him, he did not seem to be bothered much and some of the things I said he already knew/figured about me. He did not want to marry a virgin. He wanted to marry a woman with some sexual experience.

    Well, it appears that over time, these issues have haunted him. He has never talked about them, until recently. He is very affected by them. The latest issue is that I had sex with a black man before I ever met him--one black man 2 times. Now, I don't recall talking to him about this issue (or others), but it seems that his memory has made the event worse over time. He says that I said some choice words about the mans twig being *nice and thick*. This sounds cruel and outrageous. I can't believe I would ever have said such a thing, not only because it is cruel, but because his member was normal; 'twas neither thick nor thin, nor short or long... it was normal. Therefore, I know I didn't say it.

    I know that I was hard on him when we dated, but I am not now. I am way different. He says that he loves me, but he can't get over some stuff from my past. He misremembers things, and he makes them way worse then they were. Another example: I tried acid ONE time. He says that I said that I tripped all the time. I bragged about it. Again, I know I never told him that because it is untrue, but his memory has changed it.

    I no longer try to correct my husbands account of my past, I find that my truth upsets him more... it seems patronizing.

    What do I do? We have not had sex in over 23 days.

    I am shameful of my past, but it is no longer who I am. I did not treat my husband well when we dated, but I do now. I have been the best wife I can possibly be, but my past afflicts my marriage. He has said stuff like "how could he have ever married me?" or "I regretted marrying you for a long time". This past really irritates me. Our marriage will seem fine, then he brings up this poop. It hurts me and it pains me to see him so bothered by me. I didn't feel like crying last night when he started to talk to me about these things; So, I told him that he either has to get over this stuff or divorce me. I don't throw around the D word. I am not an advocate of divorce at all, but I wanted him to just stop thinking about these issues. How can my husband get over my semi-sordid past? What can I do?

    (We have both agreed to marriage counseling, but our church neglects us. We are functioning and appear happy--apparently, we don't seems to be at risk. So, please don't suggest marriage counseling. It is something that we will get--eventually.)

    I want to air all this out. I want for him to just let it go and move on. I want to have a solid marriage. I want him to think positively about me. How do I do this? I reaffirm to my husband all the things that are wonderful about him. I tend to forget bad stuff. I have told him how I admire him and his parts--they are by far my favorites. I don't know if he believes me. I know that I am telling the truth. I have doting love and affection for my husband. I often have to stifle it because he is lost in thought. Sometimes about me sometimes about work. I just want to make him happy. Happy and happy with me, happy with the kids. I don't know what to do. Please offer up your best suggestions and solutions.
    ZoeMarie's Avatar
    ZoeMarie Posts: 2,049, Reputation: 468
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    #2

    Oct 31, 2008, 01:20 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by chocolat_hitman View Post
    (We have both agreed to marriage counseling, but our church neglects us. We are functioning and appear happy--apparently, we don't seems to be at risk. So, please don't suggest marriage counseling. It is something that we will get--eventually.)
    OK. I won't. But if it were me, that's what I would do. It doesn't have to be marriage counseling within the church.
    450donn's Avatar
    450donn Posts: 1,821, Reputation: 239
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    #3

    Oct 31, 2008, 01:59 PM

    Don't know where you are located or what "church' you are affiliated with, but if you cannot get the help you need in your church, then maybe you are in the wrong church. Please don't get me wrong when I say that. I am trying to tell you to search out a good counsellor in church out of church it does not matter, what matters is that you need to deal with this problem before it explodes in your faces. It sounds like your husband has some insecurity issues that he needs to address. I know for a fact that our church has many highly qualified counsellors and also offers group sessions for couples and singles as well. Just know this, if you have asked for forgiveness for your past, God has forgiven you, your past sins are no longer remembered.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 53,859, Reputation: 10852
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    #4

    Nov 1, 2008, 11:19 AM
    I think that you made a good move when you blasted him for bringing it up, and maybe that's what it will take.

    Don't be ashamed of your past, because he can't handle the truth.

    Don't take this the wrong way but a private counselor, maybe one referred to you by your family doctor, will serve you better than your church.

    An objective trained third party, can guide you better than our opinions, I believe.

    He has issues.
    chocolat_hitman's Avatar
    chocolat_hitman Posts: 15, Reputation: 3
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    #5

    Nov 3, 2008, 09:59 AM

    I know that we need a counselor. I know that I have been forgiven of my sins. I know that our church caters to the squeaky wheels, and my husband and I are not visibly (or audibly) 'squeaky'. He is over the current issue, and we have had sex. He says his low sex drive was from exposure to Potassium Nitrate (fertilizer), but that is only rumored to be an anaphrodisiac; it is not a confirmed libido reducer. He has said sorry, but it is only a matter of time before something else from the past comes back to haunt our marriage.

    I guess I was just hoping for some techniques that can aid in reforming negative behavior.
    WoundedKnee's Avatar
    WoundedKnee Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jan 18, 2009, 11:31 PM
    I am a husband in your husband's situation--that is how I can came across this discussion.

    Unless you're ready and willing to walk away from the marriage and all, giving him ultimatums and telling him "to get over it" are not going to work. If my wife had said those things to me...

    Your husband's feelings are not going to go away. After almost a year of knowing, mine are still as painful and creep up often. Only your husband can tell you, but I see it (think about it) every day and almost every moment that my mind isn't occupied with something else. I doesn't diminish my love for my wife but it hurts to high heaven.

    I've thought of "getting even" and have searched and have almost followed through, but the only thing that holds me back is the realization that "getting even" isn't going to make the pain go away.

    Seek counseling. Meanwhile there is a great article by Dr. Joseph M Carver, PhD that might help. He writes about how the brain works and stores memory. And how to manage memories. Of all the "Dear So-and-So" I've read, his is a non-judgmental look at this. Here is the link to this article: Emotional Memory Management: Positive Control Over Your Memory.

    If the link is not shown in my response, perform a search for Dr. Joseph M Carver. His article is titled, "Thinking About My Girlfriend’s Sexual Past Hurts My Stomach."

    Like your husband, I, too, am trying to move passed this.

    Good luck to the both of you.

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