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    bros2's Avatar
    bros2 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Dec 5, 2007, 11:04 AM
    How can I deal with my negative views on my wife's sexual history?
    My wife and I have been together for almost a year and we are in our early 20's. We are very honest and open with each other, including about our past sexual history. We have a great marriage and are very trusting of one another. Unfortunately, I feel very guilty making this post - I feel as though I am being untrustworthy by divulging details of our personal lives, so I am attempting to do it in the most anonymous way possible.

    My issue comes in that I am not comfortable with my wife's past sexual history. This is a topic that we've learned to avoid for the most part, although sometimes I find it easier to deal with it by asking her questions and learning more about "specifics" on what she has done. Still, I find myself often plagued with thoughts, especially thoughts that are very degrading to my wife... and sometimes, with the more I know, the more difficult it gets.

    I lost my virginity at 16 to a girl I had dated for six months by that point. After that, the next two girls I had sex with, I dated both for more than a year and a half... the second of which I lived with for 2 years and dated for a total of 3. By the age of 21, if you kept count, I had been with 3 different people, which I suspect is "low" for a 21-year-old. I don't really believe in random hook-ups, so I really only had sex with people I was in a serious relationship with. I then had a one-time only one-night stand that I felt very guilty about. I have apologized to my wife for having that in my history. I did it at the time out of insecurity when I broke up with the girl I had been with for 3 years, but I decided it was not how I wanted to conduct myself - it violated my moral code on sex and relationships. Shortly after this one-night-stand I met my wife (I was now 22), and she became my 5th (and of course, final) sex partner. All but 1 of my 5 were the result of committed, 1 year + relationships.

    With a fairly rigid Christian upbringing, my wife did not lose her virginity until she was 18 to a boyfriend of 8 months. Between the ages of 18-21 (I met her shortly after she turned 21), she had sex with 7 people, me being the 8th. Only 2 of those 7 was she in an actual relationship with (again, the first one of 8 months and 1 of just over a year). Of the remaining 5 she had sex with (if you did the math, over a course of just over 1 year), she claims to have had some feelings for all of them, but by and large, she hopped in the sack with them moments after meeting them, and the "relationship" had ended a matter of days or maybe a couple of weeks later.

    One of those remaining 5 was quite abusive to her.

    Another was the brother of her own brother-in-law (her sister's husband's brother - and no, neither her sister nor her brother-in-law know about it). Although she claims to have only "hooked up" with people she (at least on her end) wanted to develop a relationship with, it seems doubtful to me that being a smart and level-headed girl that she had any intention of developing a relationship with her sister's husband's brother, or someone abusive.

    Another one of these 5 was a one-night stand.

    And another one was with "just a friend."

    ... furthermore, she has sex with several of these males only 1 or 2 times total - meaning, she was well-aware that she was simply spreading her legs for them, not actually in any kind of committed relationship. After those 1 or 2 times, she often did not hear from them again. It's kind of like she allowed herself to be repeatedly "used."

    Also, to add to the list, she disliked one her close male friends' fiancée, so she rubbed him off in his pants to piss off the fiancée. She claims to have felt bad about this, but sometimes she jokes about it like it was no big deal.

    Her best female friend has confirmed multiple times (in open converation where all 3 of us were present) that my wife often worked very hard to appear "sexy" to others and attract guys to her, made very sexual conversation with guys just to try to stimulate them and get them to pay attention to her, and that she often had loose sexual values. She would attract the "wrong kinds" of attention to herself - she is very beautiful quite naturally, so it's fairly easy for her to do.

    Now, please understand that I am not passing judgment on people who do live very sexually active lifestyles - that is their choice - but what bothers me is as follows...

    ... despite the fact she claims to have the same sexual and relationship values as I do (which is very important to me that my wife and I feel the same way on important moral issues - and we do for the most part), she does not believe she did anything wrong at any point. She does not feel she was slutty, or that she ever had sex with someone she didn't care about, and she often refers to herself as having been very sexually repressed - she believes her sexual activity was in fact very minimal and always the result of true feelings for the male involved.

    Often, if I try to verbalize my thoughts and issues, my wife is quite defensive - naturally so, I often say exactly what I am thinking, and unfortunately, those thoughts can be hurtful. Nobody wants to hear their husband say, "When you tell me about your history, it sounds like you were a slut." Although her best friend and I strongly believe that my wife grew up very insecure, and as a result, she was rather promiscuous - she totally denies it and believes she was a "good girl" at all points and made good decisions.

    I, at this point, have no trust issues and do not suspect that my wife would ever cheat on me - so for those of you who might be thinking that maybe I am insecure because I'm afraid she will hook up with someone else, that isn't the case. I know my wife and I are 100% loyal to each other. That really is what both her and I want.

    Sometimes I think all I want to hear is that she believes now, based on the sexual and relationship values that she has, that she was in fact rather "slutty," regrets it, and can acknowledge that her behavior was not really in line with her true moral code... I also want to hear her tell me that she really did not only have sex with people she cared about, and that she was at points kind of "easy"... but, my wife will never go so far as admitting she may have been (at one point) a slut or whore-ish. I also get concerned in case we have a daughter one day - how is my wife going to teach her own daughter how to be self-respecting when she was seldom so herself? She basically had sex with anyone who would pay a little bit of attention to her or fake a little affection.

    Please understand I love my wife very much. When I have these thoughts, I try to push them out of my head. I don't want to think bad things about her, and any time I do, it definitely shows and I feel so guilty for it. I've learned to control my thoughts so that it doesn't affect our relationship very often or at all.

    My wife's past is in the past - what's important is that her and I are together and happy now. But again, sometimes it is so hard for me. It's like I can't let go of her past until I hear her say, "Most of my sexual history was a mistake and I acted inappropriately," much as I was able to admit with my own one-night stand. If I could hear those words, I think it would help a lot. If she looked back on her promiscuous activity with regret, I would feel like it would be easier to forgive her in my mind - as though she repented for her wrongdoing. But since it never seems to phase her, I have difficulty putting it aside... and I really can't accomplish getting her to admit that without me making her feel bad and telling her she has done something wrong... which, of course, I know will be met with a lot of resistance. Again, no one wants to hear their partner put them down - especially for something in the past that can't be changed and has no relevance today.

    So, my questions are as follows:

    a) I know this is a fairly typical feeling for men (to get uncomfortable with their wives/girlfriends sexual history), but can any of you relate to what I am saying? If so, do you have any personal stories that may help?
    b) Do you have any suggestions for how I may be able to deal with this?
    c) Do you feel I am wrong for challenging my wifes' values (and hence, how those values are applied to her own sexual history)?
    d) Why is it important for me to hear her admit to being "easy" at some points in her life? Why is it that I just want to hear her say, "I know I used to be a whore, and I am so glad I changed. I regret it."
    e) Do you have any other thoughts or feedback for me?

    Thank you for reading this very long post. Your replies are greatly appreciated.
    excon's Avatar
    excon Posts: 21,482, Reputation: 2992
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    #2

    Dec 5, 2007, 11:39 AM
    Hello bros:

    Don't thank me. I didn't read it... If I wanted soap opera, I'd watch TV.

    Dude. We ALL have a past. You too. It's what makes us who we are today. You love her today, don't you? It's her past that's shaped what you love. Cherish it, because without it, you'd be alone. And, if you keep hocking her about it, you're going to be alone again.

    excon
    bros2's Avatar
    bros2 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Dec 5, 2007, 12:31 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by excon
    Hello bros:

    Don't thank me. I didn't read it..... If I wanted soap opera, I'd watch TV.

    Dude. We ALL have a past. You too. It's what makes us who we are today. You love her today, don't you? It's her past that's shaped what you love. Cherish it, because without it, you'd be alone. And, if you keep hocking her about it, you're going to be alone again.

    excon

    I appreciate that you took the time to reply, but your post wasn't all that helpful. I was looking for more constructive answers to my questions that may actually help the situation. Simply telling me "cherish it" does not do that.

    I think it would be tough to give a fair and honest response to my questions since you admit that you did not read the post.
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #4

    Dec 5, 2007, 01:37 PM
    Bros,

    You stated that you are over 21, if that is true it is time for you to start acting like it!

    Regardless of what I or anyone else can say to you, you have no right intruding into your wife's history for whatever reason. This situation started innocently enough but now look at the misery you have on your hands. Why in Heaven's did you even start down this road.

    Your focus must be on the here and now. There is absolutley nothing you can do to erase the past. It is history! And by the way, it is her history not yours and there is nothing you can do about it. So leave it alone, now.

    Is your wife exhibiting any type of behavior that leads you to believe that she is unfaithful to you? If not, then when you get a chance, take the lady in your arms and apologize to her for your temporany insanity and then give her a hug.
    mjl's Avatar
    mjl Posts: 486, Reputation: 26
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    #5

    Dec 5, 2007, 01:42 PM
    I am also married, (7 months today actually) and also in my early 20's. I can relate to how you are feeling because I had a similar experience with my husband.

    The only person I have ever slept with is my husband(and I'm not embarrassed to say that I only had 1). However, I am my husbands 4th. It was very hurtful for me to here it. I cried when he told me actually. The first of his was with a girl he had dated for a while. The second was with a girl he dated for a very short time. The third was a one-night stand, which happened to be with my best friend a week before he and I started dating. Of course, as you can imagine that was the hardest to hear. He only did it once with each girl, but it still hurt very bad to me.

    I can relate to you how you said you wanted to hear everything, but the more you know the more it hurt. Believe me, I went through it too. Before we got married we went for a long drive in the country so I could get all my feeling out about it. I balled the whole time. It hurt that I was gave him the best gift I could give any man (my virginity). I shared something with him that I had shared with no one else, yet what I wanted him to share with me, other women have gotten.

    I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, after all, I felt the same way, and to tell you the truth it still bothers me. But I have come to realize that I can't change the past, and neither can he.

    My husband has told me over and over that if he could go back, he would change his past, and would have waited for me. I am assuming from your post that, that is not what you want from your wife, but you want her to admit that she has done wrong. She can't change the past. She can come to terms with it and so can you. I have. I have moved on. I have come to terms with the fact that other women have experienced what I wanted to be the only one to experience with him.

    It hurts, and it will always probably hurt (I have realized that) but you have to move on. Calling her past slutty or whore-ish will only make things worse. She is your wife, and she doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

    I think you should try marriage counselling. If she thinks that she doesn't want to attend marriage counselling, go by yourself. You have to come to terms with the fact that you can't change the past.

    Getting her to admit that what she did in the past was slutty won't change it either. That's not the way to go.

    Just know that you are not wrong in feeling the way you do, however, she is not a bad person for what she had done in the past. People make mistakes. What was done was done, so move on.

    Please let me know if I have helped in any way.
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    mjl Posts: 486, Reputation: 26
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    #6

    Dec 5, 2007, 01:59 PM
    And by the way, I don't believe you are intuding by wanting to know your wife's sexual history. I believe a married couple should be 100% honest with each other. Not telling your spouse something as crutal as this is lying by ommition. That is my opinion.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,285, Reputation: 10853
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    #7

    Dec 5, 2007, 02:27 PM
    a) I know this is a fairly typical feeling for men (to get uncomfortable with their wives/girlfriends sexual history), but can any of you relate to what I am saying? If so, do you have any personal stories that may help?
    While its typical to have your feelings, after you realise the past cannot be changed, you move on. Sorry, but I honestly can't relate very well. Maybe I don't think her past is important as compared to what a great wife she has been for all these years.
    b) Do you have any suggestions for how I may be able to deal with this?
    Balance your own morality with reality
    c) Do you feel I am wrong for challenging my wifes' values (and hence, how those values are applied to her own sexual history)?
    Yes, you are very wrong to expect her morality to be yours, thats to judgemental and maybe a bit controlling, after your addmission as to how great thes relationship is. After all you married her for who she is, not what she was.
    d) Why is it important for me to hear her admit to being "easy" at some points in her life? Why is it that I just want to hear her say, "I know I used to be a whore, and I am so glad I changed. I regret it."
    I think you want to salve your wounded ego, because she may be more experienced sexually than you. This is so unfair and speaks to your own problem, which is not hers.
    e) Do you have any other thoughts or feedback for me?
    Let this go, and stop asking for things you can't handle. Accept her for the woman she is, and stop trying to put your values on others. Your past made you who you are, and your okay with your own admitted mistakes, she should have the same freedom, whether you agree or not. Deal with your own feelings positively, and do not project them on others in a negative way. She has dealt with her past, leave it at that.
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #8

    Dec 5, 2007, 02:48 PM
    MJL,

    You are off point in this instance. The time for him to raise this as an issue was before the marriage vows, not after them.

    At this time they are married and baring any STDs that may have been accquired by the lady, he does not need to know. She was not being unfaithful to him. Heck, she may not even known him. So at this time with the vows exchanged there is basically a new stake in the ground to build a history with. It is the same for him.The long term goal of both these individuals is to remain faithful to each other.

    For the record, I married at 18. My wife was also 18. The single most used word in her vocabulary was "No". And this lady knew exactly what she meant by that as well as how to enforce it. Neither one of us had experienced the pleasures of sex when we married.

    Should I now say because she dated other boys I'm suspect that she may have decided to have sex with them and not me? I would not insult her integrity in that manner.
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    mjl Posts: 486, Reputation: 26
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    #9

    Dec 5, 2007, 02:56 PM
    I wouldn't have "insulted her integrity" either. I'm sure since you married her she is a lovely lady.
    I never said she was being unfaithful to him like you said. I don't believe she was.
    Every relationship is different, obviously mine is different from yours. In my relationship I prefer to know what had happened in my husbands past, he also prefers to know mine. In your relationship you prefer to not. There is nothing wrong with either, every relationship is different.
    mjl's Avatar
    mjl Posts: 486, Reputation: 26
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    #10

    Dec 5, 2007, 03:00 PM
    Just because you have a different opinion than me doesn't make mine wrong.
    I don't understand why my answer is wrong. I stated many times that I agree that he should just move on because he can't change the past, just like you guys wrote. The only thing I added any differently from your posts were that I could relate to him for similar reasons.
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    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #11

    Dec 5, 2007, 03:08 PM
    You know she had 'a past' that is enough and if the details are going to get to you then you need to quit asking about them. You need to accept that she married you and wants a relationship with you and unless or until she proves unfaithful you need to appreciate what you have with her and build on that. Pursuing her past as a problem between you will only lead to problems in your marriage and you could end up losing her unnecessarily.
    You say you have a past too what if she suddenly decided to hold that against you. Don't look for the details.
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    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
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    #12

    Dec 5, 2007, 03:20 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by bros2
    she does not believe she did anything wrong at any point. She does not feel she was slutty, or that she ever had sex with someone she didn't care about, and she often refers to herself as having been very sexually repressed - she believes her sexual activity was in fact very minimal and always the result of true feelings for the male involved.
    But you, being an expert judge of sluttyness, know better than she does why she had sex with who she had sex with before you even knew her?

    Quote Originally Posted by bros2
    Sometimes I think all I want to hear is that she believes now, based on the sexual and relationship values that she has, that she was in fact rather "slutty," regrets it, and can acknowledge that her behavior was not really in line with her true moral code... I also want to hear her tell me that she really did not only have sex with people she cared about, and that she was at points kind of "easy"... but, my wife will never go so far as admitting she may have been (at one point) a slut or whore-ish. It's like I can't let go of her past until I hear her say, "Most of my sexual history was a mistake and I acted inappropriately,"
    She doesn't feel guilty about her past sexual behavior and your insistence that she should will destroy your marriage if you don't get over it.
    Quote Originally Posted by bros2
    I really can't accomplish getting her to admit that without me making her feel bad and telling her she has done something wrong... which, of course, I know will be met with a lot of resistance. Again, no one wants to hear their partner put them down - especially for something in the past that can't be changed and has no relevance today.
    Well, Duh!!

    b) Do you have any suggestions for how I may be able to deal with this?
    Change your point of view.
    c) Do you feel I am wrong for challenging my wifes' values (and hence, how those values are applied to her own sexual history)?
    Yes.
    d) Why is it important for me to hear her admit to being "easy" at some points in her life? Why is it that I just want to hear her say, "I know I used to be a whore, and I am so glad I changed. I regret it."
    She was never a whore and your insistence that she must label herself as one is just sick, man. You need to get a grip, and fast, before you ruin your marriage.
    e) Do you have any other thoughts or feedback for me?
    No, that about covers it, I think.
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    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,305, Reputation: 7692
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    #13

    Dec 5, 2007, 03:43 PM
    First you have some issue with her past and you are not letting her past be her past by asking about it and by caring. She is who she was when you meet, if she had been a hooker and a XXX dancer but decided to leave all of that, you knew and made your choice and her past should not even matter.

    To your questions.

    a) I know this is a fairly typical feeling for men (to get uncomfortable with their wives/girlfriends sexual history), but can any of you relate to what I am saying? If so, do you have any personal stories that may help?

    Yes, no it is not common for men to be concerned except maybe for the most recent for the first bit, or be afraind they are not big enough or good enough in bed, but this is the mans problem from not being secure in the relastionship


    b) Do you have any suggestions for how I may be able to deal with this?
    Well letting her past be her past like you said you were doing, ( but of course you are not doing) if you can't do this, you will need professional counseling, since you keep dragging it up and she will soon tire of talking about her past a lot if she is trying to move on

    c) Do you feel I am wrong for challenging my wifes' values (and hence, how those values are applied to her own sexual history)?
    yes it is not your place to challenge her values, her values are hers, not yours. You choice her because you loved her and accepted her past, if you are challenging her past, that means you are not accepting her.

    d) Why is it important for me to hear her admit to being "easy" at some points in her life? Why is it that I just want to hear her say, "I know I used to be a whore, and I am so glad I changed. I regret it."

    Well first she was not a whore by any means, and this is a problem you are having, and should be ashamed of yourself. You have some problems with your moral values of accepting her, she does not have to regret anything to you, and she does not have to say she was easy, if she was easy she would have had 8 or nine guys a month maybe,
    one man a year while not your standards, many girls have that many just during college. You had and have no right to except her to be sorry for just being her during those years.

    e) Do you have any other thoughts or feedback for me?

    yes you need to get a life and your wife deserves someone better than you, it is you that should say that you are sorry to her.

    you need serious counseling to learn to accept your wife and love her properly
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    mamabear45 Posts: 2, Reputation: 4
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    #14

    Dec 5, 2007, 04:02 PM
    First off, you should know that I’m answering this post as someone who has been more in your wife’s situation than yours. I’d like to try to give you another perspective.

    a) I know this is a fairly typical feeling for men (to get uncomfortable with their wives/girlfriends sexual history), but can any of you relate to what I am saying? If so, do you have any personal stories that may help?
    I can relate to your discomfort, because it is never pleasant to hear the details of a partner’s sexual past. It sounds to me like she’s shared too much with you, and those details, such as “rubbing a guy off” do nothing for you other than to rot in your mind, poisoning the loving vision you have of your wife. My husband is aware of too much of my sexual history as well, and I know that negatively affects our marriage, yet I am powerless to do anything to change what he knows. I have sincerely apologized to him on multiple occasions, but it doesn’t make anything better because the apology doesn’t make the knowledge go away.

    b) Do you have any suggestions for how I may be able to deal with this?
    Seek counseling, (and/or pray, since you seem to be religious). Be realistic about life, be confident that her past is no reflection on you, be understanding about the role her insecurities had to play in her decisions, and be accepting of her actions even if they are other than you would have wished. You can’t change them anyway. Realize, however, that she does not need your forgiveness – her actions took place prior to your relationship, therefore she owes you nothing. Ultimately, if she is in need of forgiveness, she should take the issue up with God. Recognize also that whatever issues you have from growing up or whatever (we all have them) could be contributing to the problem you have with her past.

    c) Do you feel I am wrong for challenging my wifes' values (and hence, how those values are applied to her own sexual history)?
    Yes, I do think you are wrong, but that's not to say I don't understand where you are coming from. Unfortunately, you are focusing on who your wife was, not who she is. And, you are not truly taking into account “why” your wife may have acted the way she did, which might actually make you feel better. Maybe she was insecure, maybe she didn’t understand boundaries, maybe she thought that’s what love was all about, maybe she was naïve…who knows? Women these days are given so many mixed messages about how to be, especially in regard to sexuality. She may have just been trying to figure it all out, and made some mistakes along the way. Certainly, she’s not going to apologize to you. She didn’t do anything TO you – she made choices for herself, and probably learned from them. To apologize might also require her to come to terms with behavior that she is ashamed of – many times it’s easier to defend a wrong action than to suffer your ego and admit fault. I must say, as much as you love her, it is quite arrogant and egotistical of you to expect an apology or explanation from her regarding her past behavior. It had nothing to do with you. Her behavior now is all you should be concerned with. Realistically, you will have a lot of work to do to deal with your thoughts, not just to forget them.

    d) Why is it important for me to hear her admit to being "easy" at some points in her life? Why is it that I just want to hear her say, "I know I used to be a whore, and I am so glad I changed. I regret it."
    I think that you are putting too much weight on hearing her grovel. You say you have high moral standards, so why do you wish to act “holier than thou”? Do not place yourself above your wife in regard to moral standing – it’s not fair, since you are not in a place to judge, and it’s not very Christian. And you know, “whore” is an exceptionally strong and very degrading word. How can you say you love your wife and in the same breath judge her in such a way? If you recall, Mary Magdalene was a “woman of ill repute” and lived to redeem herself quite well. Your wife’s actions, regretted or not, do not make her a bad person or someone worthy of such a title. You probably want to hear these words because you are hurt, and you mistakenly believe that these words will erase the pain. Either that or you take pleasure in lording power over your wife, but I don’t assume this is the case.

    e) Do you have any other thoughts or feedback for me?
    As for having a daughter, if your wife is a good and faithful wife to you now, your daughter will learn by example. Also, having a child has a way of giving many mothers a bit of a moral kick – I know it did for me. Speaking from my own example, my “naughty” past will only help me guide my daughter to making better choices, because I know and have experienced the bad that is out there. I hope my unfortunate knowledge will give me a positive edge when it comes to providing the right path for my children.

    This is a situation that really can’t be “resolved”, since you can’t travel to the past and change anything. “Accept the things you can’t change”. Have the strength to take responsibility for your own actions, in this case, your response to the situation. Put your emotions, your pain, and your efforts into healing, and let your wife worry for herself about her past actions.

    Best of luck to you and your wife.
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    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #15

    Dec 5, 2007, 08:20 PM
    MJL,

    I do not have any problem about your having a different point of view. To me, that's the beauty of this type of forum.

    What I'm saying is that the time to be concerned about her past activities was befrore the marriage, not afterwards.

    In the example you gave concerning your personal experience, the conversation took place before you married your husband, not afterwards.

    And thanks for making me reread your responses. Once I slowed down and thought through your answers I have a slighty different view of them.

    By the way, I did not mean to imply that my wife was not a virgin when I married her. She was.
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    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #16

    Dec 5, 2007, 08:58 PM
    OK... I'm going to be really brutally honest here.

    I couldn't make it through the whole post... and usually I CREAM people for posting without taking the time to piece things apart. If I'm off base, so be it.

    My partner has some great skills in the bedroom. There are some things she does that are The Best I've ever had. Guess how she got to be that good? On guys before me.

    Do I say "please dont do that little trick thing you do baby unless it was in last months Cosmo Sex Tips section"?. no.

    I suck it up and take great sex like the understanding, supportive guy I am.

    My wife had a wild history. Somehow, someway she managed to raise a wonderful daughter who is a lot more grounded than most at her age... certainly better than we were.

    Having a child and being committed in a marriage has, hopefully, the effect of making you a better person. You are no longer in it for just you... you have other people to answer to.

    My wife is beautiful. She gets hit on all the time. She travels internationally and could EASILY have an affair if she wanted. I sleep well at night cause I believe in her. That means I also accept her past as her past and that is that.

    I can't tell you the magic words. You have to believe in your heart that she's there for you... and if you had problems with her past... that's your issue. You never, ever should have married a person you couldn't forgive for their past.

    Something is wrong here. You are letting head games get in the way of what appears to be a good marriage. I had a fraction of the partners my wife had. She did more reckless things on a weekend than I would have in a year.

    I'm not with that girl. I'm with the woman who married me and is honoring her vows. And you shouldn't be living with that girl... the one in her past.

    If you cannot enjoy the great opportunity you have for love right in front of you... if you need to find some excuse to drive a mental wedge in there... there is something else going on that I don't understand.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
    Uber Member
     
    #17

    Dec 6, 2007, 02:02 PM
    Also wanted to add since your question was basically why would she have had that behavior

    Sometimes, especially when a girl is in her teens, they

    Are emotional and therefore think with their emotions

    Feel they 'need' a guy for security

    Think they can 'change' a guy

    Think they can make someone love them

    Have an unrealistic romanticized idea of love

    And remember Love can be blind
    BMI's Avatar
    BMI Posts: 892, Reputation: 270
    Senior Member
     
    #18

    Dec 6, 2007, 02:40 PM
    Hey Bros,

    This situation sucks and I know EXACTLY how you feel. AS a whole, everyone telling you now is more important than then, is bang on. I mean we all have made mistakes and who are we to judge anothers reasons for doing what they have done. Also, in terms of making you feel better, what's done is done and you know you can't change a damn thing about it, only try ashard as you can to release it from your thinking. When it enters your mind counter it with a positive idea about her.

    In saying all of this, I truly do know how it eats at you. We don't like it when our girl has acted "slutty" in the past. My ex-girl did the exact thing you described in your situation, liked them and slept with them, they just sat back and waited for her to come over. What bothered me was them getting what I worked hard at for free!! Does not seem right.

    My answer to why we care is because we care about them and cannot imagine someone like them EVER having to act that way. Nobody want their girl to have to resort to sex because of self confidence issues, they look AMAZING! I could never understand why my ex ever needed to do that, but her reasons are her own, sometimes people cannot see what it is they are lacking and so they turn to "comforts", be it drugs, alcohol, or even men/women.

    I'll tell you the madness over it ruined our relationship and I can tell you looking back... I should not have made an issue of it, she was who she was. I find myself thinking back about the things I liked and lost rather than what number of men she slept with. DO NOT let that happen to you!

    Hope it helps:)
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
    Dating & Teen Expert
     
    #19

    Dec 6, 2007, 03:04 PM
    You married this woman knowing her history, why are you in to this now? You both made vows to each other. Your having second thoughts now and digging in her past is your problem, not hers. She told you things, you accepted them and married her anyway. If you are questioning her morals, you not only had sex with her, but you married her, so what does that say about you?
    You should have dealt with this before you married her, now you need to deal with YOUR problems.
    Perhaps you should get some counseling to help you deal with this before you ruin your marriage.
    bigblock_impala's Avatar
    bigblock_impala Posts: 1, Reputation: 4
    New Member
     
    #20

    Dec 6, 2007, 09:55 PM
    Your past and your wife's past are exactly the same, she is no worse, her relationships might have been shorter and more frequent, but still no diff. If your past decisions are so much better why are'nt you with the first girl you had sex with... Your wife just has the respect to not bring yours up.. Im sure she doesn't like to think about the things you've done in your past.. grow up... forget about her past and keep working on your future, a marriage is hard enough with out having to constantly deal with the past mistakes in your life.. good luck

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