My husband has made a nasty habit out of disappearing for no reason on occasion. He will sometimes call and say: "im on my way home from work" or not call at all, and just not come home. Most of the time he will stay out until very late, but there has been a few times that he has stayed out all night, and didn't come home until morning. When he doesen't show up, I will call and text him, but he never responds. And of course, I go in to worried wife mode, and think maybe something bad happened? Like an accident or went to jail? I even called the local hospitals and jail before looking for him. But when he does finally come home, he is usually drunk, and says he was just hanging out with friends, and that he didn't want to hear me nag so he avoided my calls. Then we fight about it, I cry, he apologizes, says it won't happen again, and we make up... Until he does it again a few months later.. It always happens this way.

Well, it happened again two nights ago. When I got home from work, he was not here and wouldn't answer my calls. He came home at about midnight, and as usual was very smug and acted like he was mad at me, as if I did something wrong.. I did not speak to him that night because it does no good when he's been drinking, but the next day I confronted him and asked him why he is STILL doing this? We fought about it, and then he says: " I dont want to hurt you anymore, I want to change but if I havent changed in 6 years I dont know if I ever can. I will leave so that I can't hurt you anymore." and he left. Now I feel like somehow this is my fault, or maybe he is just trying to put the blame on me, I don't know.. But I love my husband very much, we never fight unless it is about this.. I don't want him to leave, but at the same time I want to send the message that I will not tolerate him doing this to me. When he disappears I feel as though he is abandoning me, and that he doesen't want me or at least doesent respect my feelings.. Ive told him this a million times, but it never changes anything. I know that if I ask him to come back, he will, but Im afraid by doing that I will send the message that his behavior is okay, and its not. I don't want to have to beg him to come home, but I think that's what he wants me to do..

Is there any way I can convince him to come home and work on our problems while still letting him know that I won't tolerate this behavior anymore?

I know he is not cheating on me, we have mutual friends that always tell me where he is and who he's with. He says he wants to keep his freedom, and that's why he does it, but he doesent want me to go with him to hang out and doesent give me any heads up or warning that he will be going out, he just disappears. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks guys!

First, do not accept blame or guilt because of his actions. He makes the choice to stay out and 'disappear'. You don't.

Second, look into a support group for family and friends of alcoholics like Al-Anon (Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen). I am not saying he is an alcoholic, but he doesn't seem to be able to control himself and his drinking. Wanting his 'freedom' is an excuse and rationalization for his actions. So is 'not wanting to hurt you anymore'. He is looking to continue the behavior not get help.

Third, do not accept him back into the house until he is sober and getting help. Make it a condition of his return that you both attend marriage counseling and work through the issues together. Understand that until he decides he wants to change, he won't.

You have spent six years trying to change him. He has spent six years trying not be responsible husband and partner. Stop trying to change him and change how you react. No more calls, no more checking up on him, no more letting him back in the house drunk. I have a feeling that he wants the 'nagging' as an excuse to behave badly and as proof you care about him. There are more productive and healthy ways to show you love and care about someone. Unfortunately, letting them hit rock bottom is one of those ways that hurts as much as it helps.

Perhaps, when he hits the bottom, he will remember the line from Me and Bobby McGee: Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

Stay strong. Get help. Take care of yourself.

He is not going to change since he likes this and you allow him to do it ( by staying) it is not your fault he is doing this, it is his own selfish and childish behavior.

Personally if I did that, I would come home to changed locks.
Or she would be packed and moved out.

Which is what I suggest, either move out or kick him out the next time, if he wants freedom give it, and before he ever gets to come back, make him go for help with his drinking problem and marriage counseling also. And I am talking about months of it, not a couple meetings.

If not, just expect it, and know you will just put up with it, and just stop fighting about it, since it is not doing any good

Have a younger brother who is on his third DWI, oh and third wife, same excuses, same lines, but comes down to SAME PROBLEM--He is an alcoholic. No he doesn't drink everyday, in fact he may go as long as a month or more, but when he does start drinking he can't stop until he is wasted period. He has lost jobs,wife's, and he hasn't changed, because he doesn't see himself has a drunk. He still claims that he only drinks 2, of course he believes his own lies.
You can't change him. He can only WANT to make those changes in his life. To recognize that he has a drinking problem and find help.
You need to make your own decisions with what you can tolerate in your life. Once you have made that choice then you need to sit down with your husband let him know those choices. Then its up to him, does he WANT his family enough to make changes in his life or not.
If he does choose to get help, you might want to go with him, this an illness that with knowledge can be controlled. Good luck

Why can't you let him have his freedom and time out with the boys if that is what he wants. Outside of this does he make you happy and fel loved? Fifty percent of marriages fail and I think it's because couples smother each other. As a husband and a father, I say let him enjoy himself.

dralph01, I strongly disagree with your advice. His actions go beyond a need to have some 'me' time. This 'man' is lying to his wife (if he tells her anything) and then ignoring her calls and messages. He is disrespecting her and their marriage.

Put yourself in her position. Her husband calls saying he is 'on his way home' or doesn't even bother to tell her that. Hours later he has not called to let her know he is alive or what his plans are. He stays out late or even overnight with no word to his wife or answering her calls. She doesn't know if he is at the bar or if this is the night that the police will show up on her doorstep telling her there has been an accident. He is obviously driving drunk. Putting himself and others at risk physically. Putting his family at risk financially. He is not being responsible. He is not 'making plans to hang out'. He acting without thinking.

'Smothering' is not a part of this relationship unless it the fear she has been living with because of him.