Hi there,

I am 40, have just found out I am pregnant and as a result my boyfriend and I have decided to get married next year.

I lost my job end November so it's a big shock for him but we planned the pregnancy together although we had only know each other since May.

I really do care about him - we have the same goals and values and he will make a good father but he is really needy and clingy and has told me that I do not cuddle him enough or give him enough affection. The issue is that his father was a diplomatic so he has a very formal relationship with his parents as they were absent during his formative years.

He does not have many friends and has solitary interests like reading and travelling on his own abroad.

I am in despair - I want the relationship to work for the sake of the child but feel suffocated. I realise I can never be everything for anyone but does he? He is putting a huge amount of pressure on me and brings in back to my personality. The thing is I've never had a clingy boyfriend before and if I have I've dumped them fairly swiftly as for me there is no challenge there.

He spends all of his time analysing our relationship rather than helping me plan for the baby and the wedding.

What do I do? I want things to work but am so scared to make the wrong decision.

E

The first thing that strikes me is that this seems all bass-ackwards. First you meet someone, develop a friendship/relationship over a longer term, then you get married when you are sure you want to spend the rest of your life with them, THEN you have a baby.

You have had a short term relationship with this man, then got pregnant, and now you are thinking that he's the wrong man, and as much as you want to make things work, he is needy, clingly, immature, putting a lot of pressure on you, and you feel suffocated. You also just lost your job.

I presume he is also 40ish? What makes you think that he'll change. That is parents were diplomats has no bearing here, it is only a wishy washy excuse for who he is. He is who he is now.

While I sympathize somewhat, particularly having a baby at 40 with a man you are unsure of, and I realize this is going to be a long difficult pregnancy if you are already feeling so much pressure from him, I have to wonder if it isn't time to really sit and figure out what you want to do.

You say you want things to work, and you aren't sure if you are making the right decision. Which decision is that- having a baby? Marrying this man?

Not saying things can't work, but I would suggest couples counselling, and see if there aren't some ways that both of you could change your expectations somewhat, and find even ground to base a life long relationship on.

Have you tried sitting down and talking with him about the relationship and your concerns?

How far along is the pregnancy? Is it still more of a 'concept' than a 'reality' to him? I ask because for some men the reality of having a child doesn't fully kick in until the baby is large enough to be seen or felt moving. At that point, he may pay more attention to the pregnancy.

Couple's counseling might give you both a chance to work through any issues before the child arrives. Parenting classes may also help give him a firmer foundation for both raising a child and being in a long-term relationship.

Oh No, how do you presume to know someone in a few months to be planning on having a child and getting married. Come on what part of getting to know someone before you enter into life changing decisions do you not understand.

Maybe you can't change your being pregnant, but you can take the time to see if he is marriage material, and just my opinion, that takes a couple of years to figure out. Slowdown, and do a lot more thinking before you start planning anything.

Better to take the time to solve your issues through honest communications than later after you have a new child and husband to deal with.

I just can't believe you planned a child, before you checked to see if he was a man ready to be a husband and father.

Hi there,

Many thanks for all of the great replies.

I totally agree with each of you. Ideally we would both have wanted to get to know each other better, settle down into a more stable relationship, get married and then have children.

The issue was is that he is 37 and I am 40 and we both agreed that whilst we could wait to get married we had little time to have a child.

I think the fact that I am pregnant, have lost my job has sent him into deep shock at the fear of this potential responsibility.

I am 100% convinced that I want this child but really concerned as I feel like he wants me to be his mother and fulfil this need rather than his friend and partner. My fear is to have the child on my own and face a huge responsibility or to stay with him and feel repressed for the rest of my life by a needy man.

He has been increasingly clingy and the fun that we had at the beginning of the relationship has been replaced by him constantly worrying and some pretty heavy arguments because he feels lonely and as though I do not give him enough affection.

I personally feel sick, quite depressed and exasperated by questioning all of this rather than us just planning for the baby and getting on with our lives. I want the relationship to work but do agree that counselling might help him realize that I can't be everything for him and that he needs friends (of which he has none) and interests too apart from me.

Re - marriage - this was his idea - I told him we can wait but as he is very traditional he feels it's the best thing to do. To be frank if it wasn't for the potential child I really think that we would not be getting married.

Why not put the marriage on hold until after the baby is born. Give the coming months time with a counsellor, and gather all the insight you can before you make this decision.

He may not like the idea, but if he seriously wants to marry you for all the right reasons, he will attend. Both of you need a solid footing, and I don't see any other way to get it except through counselling.

Regardless of when the wedding takes place, you may find yourself in the position of not wanting to marry this man, but be prepared to have him in your life anyway, for at least the next 18 years.

I can understand the urgency to have a child at age 40 with that clock ticking, but to bring a baby into this world, and into an unhappy marriage or relationship, is really not fair to anybody. A baby will not make the relationship any better, in fact, it will probably be much worse, especially if he isn't willing to change.

Do you love him?

Hi there Jake,

That's a good idea and maybe one I should suggest as we both wanted the child but are marrying for the wrong reason and I really feel that we should slow down a little and take one step at a time.

You are totally correct to spot the age issue. If I was 30 there would have been no hurry at all and I guess I have panicked myself into feeling that the big clock is ticking and that he is the only suitable person who has come along over the past two years so agreed to go along with this show on these grounds.

In the past I have been passionately in love with men and been hurt badly by two guys one of whom dropped me at the last minute because he did not want kids and because I wasn't Jewish despite initially saying that this was not an issue. I've been engaged before but always got cold feet as I felt that the guys I was in a relationship with did not have both the same goals or values as me. Maybe I fell in love purely because of attraction and then realized that these relationships had little foundation and future because either these goals or values were wrong.

I love and care for this guy but maybe not in an obsessive, romantic way - i.e. I am not "in love" with him because he is not the sort of guy I would normally go out with although he does have the same background, values and goals as me. I am very sociable, have a lot of friends and interests and have in the past had several serious boyfriends. My O/H is an introvert, very kind, loyal, sensitive type but with very few friends and not many interests which involve being in a group or community.

I think you should trust your instincts, and think hard about marrying a man that you are not sure if there is a compatible foundation.

It sounds more like his goal is to marry before the baby comes, but if you need to put the brakes on that, then you should. Be sure before you take that step.

I'm not saying that opposites don't attract, me and my husband were dubbed 'the odd couple' many years ago, different as night and day. But, the foundation was there, and still is.

It sounds like you have a lot of insight into past relationships, and although this man may be different, draw on that experience now, and really critique him. That may not sound nice, but even if you have to draw up a list, pros and cons.

Then do another list of what characteristics you could have, if you could have anything you want.

Then compare the two. See where he fits on the bell curve. I'm curious! If you do this and it gives any insight, let me know.

The last thing you need is making another bad choice because of your age, or that ticking clock.

You really should take the time to give any decisions an awful lot of thought, an awful lot, before you take action, as you already are discovering facts about this guy you really don't like and will learn more as time goes on.

You rushed into this, and now you have choices to make.