I have been married 8 years... two wonderful sons with my husband... helped raise his two kids from previous marriage. For the first 6 years I feel I gave 110 percent... ran his kids wherever they needed to be... went to their school things... took care if them 80 percent of the time while my husband and his ex wife worked... went out... hunting or whatever... when I had my first son... premature... I gave up normal bedtimes for him... alone time w him as a baby to tend to my step kids... their mom chose to be involved when she wanted to but was rude verbally to me if I didn't pick up her slack. I found out that my husband was giving her money behind my back... she would always make comments to me that he was different in a good way when I wasn't around. Which explained why they never had conversations in front of me. He never stood up for me.

Then his daughter who lives with us started being extremely disrespectful to me for almost three years... sometimes in front of my husband... he never defended me or more importantly taught her it's not right to treat anyone that way. After the second time she hit me I demanded she move to her moms. He did make her do that. My husband is controlling... I haven't taken girls trips w my friends of 12 years. He questioned my every move when I would go to dinner w friends which was not very often. He takes two week hunting trips every year... I keep his two kids during that time. Two years ago I caught him having a very nasty online affair which they did make plans to see each other... don't know if they ever did.

Last may I told him I was done... wanted a divorce... I started counseling... and an affair. Sounds like weird timing I know. I felt very alone and this person I had the affair with was sweet, caring, we laughed together and he has solid beliefs of life and relationships that I respect. My husband found out about my affair and he immediately said he wanted to go to counseling. So he and I have been going for six months... he has made changes to be around more and help more with the kids.

But here is my dilemma... I am afraid after so many years of us not tending to our marriage I have pulled away so far from him I can't get back... I have felt this way for five years... way before my affair. He calls me a worthless whore, no good mother piece of trash now when I have told him I don't think I love him anymore. I don't trust him. And I cringe if he wants to touch me. The other added problem is we have a beautiful life... outside looking in it looks great. So I struggle w do I take this unity of secureness from my boys? And then some days I say... I know that they have to feel the tension from me due to my severe unhappiness... wats the lesser of the two evils.

I am a good person... so is my husband... I don't hate him... but I am a loving compassionate person that he has never been able to make me completely happy... since day one. So I sit here everyday wondering what should I do... we see two counselors... one has hope we can work through it if he can reach a place where he respects me... the other says sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge. I want my boys to have a happy healthy childhood and I don't know what direction to go.

Wow...
While I have been down a similar road trying to make that same decision but for different reasons, I come to one question for you. Do you want your boys to grow up and be like their father? My two cents worth is if they live in and grow up with that type of behavior (the way their father treats their mother) they think that that type of behavior is acceptable. Personally, I think it is totally WRONG. (your husbands mistreatment and lack of respect for you)

I was raised in a fairly strict home however I was raised to respect women, period.

For what its worth...

Thank you michael48073 for your response... I agree and feel strongly about raising my boys respecting people in general and in a loving atmosphere... this is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with... my husband makes me feel guilty because he feels and to his defense is making changes... but I am struggling because forbone I fear he is only making the changes because I threatened divorce and because of that he may not be able to stick to these changes and more so I learned to adapt tobthe kind of marriage I have had for so many years that I have nothing left in my heart to give him, changed or not... why do I feel guilty for that!?

We here can't replace two counselors and years of details that you can't fit into a few paragraphs, so we have to read between the lines to see if we can figure out what YOU want. And it sounds to me that the cringing and misery outweigh the outward appearance of a happy home, and you should start a planned and methodical divorce, which can often be far less painful than a sudden one. 'Boys, your father and I are getting divorced because we just can't get along, but it doesn't change our love for you.' It doesn't have to be detrimental to them. It doesn't even have to mean one of you has to go live elsewhere right away.
It struck me that after your affair he became more helpful but is now calling you a worthless whore? How is that making things better? Is he the sort of man who thinks men who cheat are studs and women are whores? Then he's got far too much to learn. I am giving him credit for going to counseling after finding out about the affair of yours, but not much. And now you both have all this resentment seething, it would take a lot of work to get through that.

He doesn't call me that unless I start talking about divorce as an option for us... then he gets defensive and the ugliness comes out... overall we don't argue a ton... but we also don't talk about much either other than day to day surface stuff... where I am struggling is trying to answer my own question of has too much happened for me to ever feel love or the kind of love that I want or to ever respect him after everything that he allowed to happen for so many years... then there is always the question how long before he starts behaving this way again... I care for him but when I look at him and when he touches, hugs or kisses me I don't feel an attraction... connection... bond... nothing... I would rather him not touch me...

Here I am in ambivalence not knowing what to do and my husband doesn't understand why because in his eyes even though it took 6 years to make the changes he should have forever ago, I just don't know if I respect him or have enough in me to continue...

I have to say that in your mind you have already left this marriage and started a new relationship with a stranger, and I don't think any amount of counseling will compete with this side distract or make you want to take a chance on your husband again.

Now if you were to leave the other guy alone, and get rededicated that's a different story, you would at least be trying. I doubt you are even willing to give the other guy up, and take a risk with your husband. So I think your path is clear, and that's just get your divorce and start the healing process.

I mean from what you have written, its really to late, and you are but going through the motions, but don't want to do any more work on behalf of this marriage right? The only one stopping this show from going on the road is YOU. When you decide what you want to happen, then your path forward will appear.

But you must recognize getting a divorce may relieve you of this fellows ways and stresses, but I really doubt that the extra guy is a permanent solution to your own unhappiness in the long run, and for now he is but a quick fix feel good distraction for your own misery.

Talaniman... thank you for your insight... I am no longer having relations with the man I had the affair with... but yes up to about a year ago I was going through the motions as I got used to the kind of marriage we had... but then I just hit a point where I knew we had to seek help to make it work and we did... it's a difficult decision to make... we are both good people, parents but have made mistakes and never built a marriage and now I feel as if I don't have the desire to stay married to him but struggle because we have two wonderful boys...

I think one of the ways the wife and I have stayed together through thick and thin was working through the mistakes and bad times, and been willing to keep working when we hated each other. Yes at times we do hated each other, and the agreement has been to shut up, and step back and let the dust settle.

You would be surprised what can be accomplished when two people go at things with calm heads and open minds instead of fear, resentment, and anger. A marriage is an ongoing process of adjustments and negotiations, through honest communications. And if you see it as some cure all cut in stone fantasy way its supposed to be I do not think it works so well.

Seldom does a marriage, or a relationship fail because of the actions of one partner, as the injured party SELDOM takes responsibility in the failure. They are either to hurt, or in denial, or unwilling in some way to keep making adjustments that work, and let me be very clear, going along with a program that hurts but keeps the peace is just as bad as cheating in terms of what's the right thing to do.

Don't think for a minute its not obvious that your own fears and resentments have you paralyzed, and unable to be firm and honest with your own husband. Give yourself the RIGHT to make demands and rules to identify boundaries that work for you both. You both are unhappy, and already living apart, and while separate counseling is a step. I insist you both have to eventually face each other and talk to each other. Or what's the point??

Talaniman... you feedback is great... thank you... especially your comment about marriages seldom end because of something the other one does... they may say that's why... I did that forvseveral years... I have learned a ton in individual counseling as well as joint counseling with my husband... that being one of the bigger things... I had to dig deep to find out what I was unhappy about... yes the years of lies... inappropriate relations w his ex wife... not supporting me while I raised his kids... were all symptoms... it is very hard to come to terms that I just don't think I am in love with him... and looking back I wonder if I married because I thought it was what I should do at that point of my life... he was a good person... ect... pains me and I feel shallow in saying I don't know if I had the love I should have had when two people committ to each other... so now after almost nine years and two kids I am asking myself do I stay in a marriage where I am not in love for the sake of vows (which don't get me wrong... means something to me) and for the sake of my kids and for the sake of not hurting my husband... all big burdens to carry...

I don't think those love feelings of youth and story should ever be committed to. You commit to an individual, but what gets in the way is you are not feeling as committed to by your husband as you need to feel. You are looking for feelings that are long gone, and have changed and you have to deal with what has replaced them, what they have changed into.

You may never know when things changed, but I bet you know when things stopped working. It was when you stopped talking to each other, and talked at each other. I respectfully submit, the communications broke down when you moved in together. It just took a few years to realize it, and nobody knew how to get it back. You may have functioned, but you didn't grow together.

This marriage/relationship will not survive until you both recommit to the marriage, and start talking so your minds can meet. I didn't find out why I got married either, and not knowing what to do, and how to do it, bit me in the butt. But you are learning, and that's a great sign. He is trying, that's a great sign too. Keep working. If you both get fully committed, this will work, when you learn how much you love yourself, and what you are doing. Neither of you loves what you are doing anymore, so you share misery, and NOT love of the commitment.

But it can change, if you keep working. Good Luck.

Your insight is a lot of what has been in my head as my reasons that I have stayed... done counseling... read books... soul searched to try and save my marriage. I just somehow need to get some peace around that he will be able to provide me a happiness that I want and deserve. And not the fireworks... first start of love feeling... just a peace that I trust him... respect him and like him as a person... I know it's very personal to ask but talaniman during your hate times you referenced did you still have a feeling of love... I guess I wonder is that the missing part that gets you through the rough times... gives you the faith and strength to work harder to make it better... I somehow have lost the confidence over the 6-7 years that he can be who I want as a person...

WE both had confidence we would get through those storms and yes fire works. WE accept each others faults and limitations, and step in when the other falters.

My turn for questions though,

How long between his divorce and getting with you?

Why have you allowed yourself to be stifled, and disappointed?

Why do you allow yourself to be isolated, and alone?

You need a week off with no stress, and if finances permit, do so, and start being good to yourself. Two unemployed people with 4 kids is a lot of pent up frustration. You have lost confidence in YOURSELF, and need to renew it. Lack of confidence produces FEAR, and resentments, and false expectations. That is what keeps you from weathering this storm you find yourself in.

I can imagine your conversations are about blaming each other for unhappiness by what the other is not doing, or should be doing, and its telling you didn't share the information about the co worker. Have you no girl friends, or family? No outlets to vent and rant?

I am a stay at home mom but very involved in three schools... committees and what not... he is the breadwinner... does very well and provides very well for all of us. We started dating within a few months of his divorce... I actually feel like I have grown as a person over the last year... I am confident in myself as a person I just allow myself to put others first to a fault... hence why I allowed the behavior from my husband for so many years... but after the incidents with his daughter calling me degrading things, not respecting me, being physically abusive with me... all in front of my children... and no reaction or support from him... then it just really hit me... do I want to continue to subject my kids to this dysfunction. My husband has made changes but it is in his makeup to take theceasy way to avoid conflict... to not always be truthful... that worries me. I am by no means perfect... him and I have had several conversations about us... trust... respect... our mistakes... but only until I mentioned divorce did he even show an ounce of consideration to try and make things better and believe me I was hurt for several years as to his not being a supportive husband and communicated this to him... for years. I do have a sister... mom and girlfriend that I talk to and that are very supportive. Does that give you more insight to your questions? I hope so. Look forward to your input.

Talaniman... answers to your questions... I am a stay at home mom but very involved in three schools... committees and what not... he is the breadwinner... does very well and provides very well for all of us. We started dating within a few months of his divorce... I actually feel like I have grown as a person over the last year... I am confident in myself as a person I just allow myself to put others first to a fault... hence why I allowed the behavior from my husband for so many years... but after the incidents with his daughter calling me degrading things, not respecting me, being physically abusive with me... all in front of my children... and no reaction or support from him... then it just really hit me... do I want to continue to subject my kids to this dysfunction. My husband has made changes but it is in his makeup to take theceasy way to avoid conflict... to not always be truthful... that worries me. I am by no means perfect... him and I have had several conversations about us... trust... respect... our mistakes... but only until I mentioned divorce did he even show an ounce of consideration to try and make things better and believe me I was hurt for several years as to his not being a supportive husband and communicated this to him... for years. I do have a sister... mom and girlfriend that I talk to and that are very supportive. Does that give you more insight to your questions? I hope so. Look forward to your input.